Upset

LegacyUser

I know this topic comes up a lot on Personal Issues but I would really appreciate some advice. Sorry if it's long-winded.

I'm really struggling at the minute. I graduated from college last year and left with very few friends. Every friendship seemed to fizzle out by the end of 4th year for one reason or another. There were several arguments and everything became very bitter and toxic so I just cut those people out, my mental health suffered hugely so I felt that that was the right thing to do, I still do in fact. In those four years I grew apart from my friends from secondary school too. I would have had three close friends. We all went to different colleges and after first year we barely came home anymore, even during the summer, so it was difficult to keep those friendships fresh. I would talk to one of the girls now but it would only be a "how are you?" after a birthday text.

I got a job through work experience immediately after college finished. I enjoy it, but unfortunately the majority of people who work there are women in their late forties to retirement age. Although these women are very friendly I just feel there's no one in work I can actually befriend because there is a big age gap. I also have two housemates, they're fine but both of them seem to keep to themselves (they barely even talk to one another tbh). One of the girls is never at home, the other usually has her boyfriend over. I joined a drama group and signed up for a fitness class to get out of the house but again, I don't seem to be making friends. I feel so lonely, especially when I see groups of girls my own age out shopping or going out or even just having a coffee together.

I went home this weekend because I couldn't stand another weekend alone but when I got through the door after the train journey home I became upset. I feel like I'm the only 22 year old without any real friends. My mother rubbed salt in the wounds when she asked me why I came home, why wasn't I out with friends and that I should make more friends which was probably not meant in a hurtful way, but it did hurt. I felt like a complete loser. In all honesty, I only have one friend, but she's moved to England now so we can't even meet up or do things friends would usually do. I actually don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm wasting away.

Sorry for the depressing read, help appreciated though.

MrNoLuck

op-here wrote: »

I know this topic comes up a lot on Personal Issues but I would really appreciate some advice. Sorry if it's long-winded.

I'm really struggling at the minute. I graduated from college last year and left with very few friends. Every friendship seemed to fizzle out by the end of 4th year for one reason or another. There were several arguments and everything became very bitter and toxic so I just cut those people out, my mental health suffered hugely so I felt that that was the right thing to do, I still do in fact. In those four years I grew apart from my friends from secondary school too. I would have had three close friends. We all went to different colleges and after first year we barely came home anymore, even during the summer, so it was difficult to keep those friendships fresh. I would talk to one of the girls now but it would only be a "how are you?" after a birthday text.

I got a job through work experience immediately after college finished. I enjoy it, but unfortunately the majority of people who work there are women in their late forties to retirement age. Although these women are very friendly I just feel there's no one in work I can actually befriend because there is a big age gap. I also have two housemates, they're fine but both of them seem to keep to themselves (they barely even talk to one another tbh). One of the girls is never at home, the other usually has her boyfriend over. I joined a drama group and signed up for a fitness class to get out of the house but again, I don't seem to be making friends. I feel so lonely, especially when I see groups of girls my own age out shopping or going out or even just having a coffee together.

I went home this weekend because I couldn't stand another weekend alone but when I got through the door after the train journey home I became upset. I feel like I'm the only 22 year old without any real friends. My mother rubbed salt in the wounds when she asked me why I came home, why wasn't I out with friends and that I should make more friends which was probably not meant in a hurtful way, but it did hurt. I felt like a complete loser. In all honesty, I only have one friend, but she's moved to England now so we can't even meet up or do things friends would usually do. I actually don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm wasting away.

Sorry for the depressing read, help appreciated though.

Hi Op,

I know how you feel I've been in the same boat with the whole friends thing, although my story is a little different as I was always a shy guy and never really put myself out there, roll on to now and I've been spending the past two years changing that, I'm also in college so that's helping me to change it a bit.

I can't really give a lot of advice, I do think joining the drama group was a great idea, cause I know a few girls who were in the same situation and they made friends at a drama group, maybe put yourself out there more, or else join a different drama group and also if you see a girl on her own or guy, go up and say hi to them, cause maybe they are lonely as well and who knows they could become a friend.

Suppose the point of me posting was to say that you aren't alone in the way you feel, lots of other people are feeling like they lack friends, just stay positive and have a good think about were else you could make friends, cause there's got to be somewhere.

Lalealynn

I think your mother was more concerned and checking in with you rather than rubbing salt in the wound. I think that means she cares and wants you to know she is there if you need to talk. Maybe though she did not handle it well. And since you are feeling how she suspects I would take her up on her signal to talk if you need.

I think the drama group is an AMAZING idea. It was always social for me you will make friends trust me. And it's fun. If you get involved in shows there is a great camaraderie. Dance classes are great for meeting female friends. Craft groups. Writers groups etc. Whatever you love.

Talk to you mom too. It's good to communicate and express things to others around you. It keeps relationships warm :-)

R.D. aka MR.D

What are you actively doing to make friends at the drama group?

Are you starting conversations? Inviting people to coffee? Making small talk? Sharing common interests/ getting to know them?

When I encounter people who say they 'can't' make friends, they are usually the kind who sit back and expect others to befriend them.

Making friends is difficult and once you are out of school, you need to work at it.

Joining groups/classes is only the first step...

I find things like meet up easier to make friends in because it's usually lots of people who are looking for friends.

dellas1979

It is hard to make (true) friends OP, bottom line. I was never a "group" person (sheep as I call 'em). It took me a long time to realise that I just simply aint a sheep. Surface level (acquaintances as I call them) fine. I can get on with anyone. But I prefer to get to know people individually, who will may make a good friend. But it requires work.

But all I know is that you can make friends under the strangest circumstances and strangest places.

About 7/8 years ago, I was working in a place. And everyone was nice and things. But there was one girl, whom everyone thought was just a little odd/not cool (to their idea of cool anyways).

I was very curious, more than anything. So, one day at lunch, she was sitting on her own, and I just sat down with her.

Cue 8 years later, she is a very good friend of mine, and I couldnt imagine not knowing such a great person! What if Id never sat down with her that day.

Another one, most recently, I went travelling back in January. I met a girl around the same age. Same thing again. Someone got in my ear and was like "oh shes a bit cranky or something-definitely couldnt be friends with her". Low and behold, off I went again. Sat down with her. Et voila. Few months later, I went skiing with her! In a few weeks time, we are going travelling for a few days again.

There are lots of other people I have sat down with, and just knew I wouldnt get on with-and Im sure vice versa (as nice as people are, I just cannot stand to be around people who all they talk about is handbags and getting pissed. Thats not me. I see my friends as a reflection of me)

My point is, you have to keep yourself open. You have to keep trying. And never discount being friends with anyone. But you have to try.

limerickbound

Just want to say Im in the same boat OP, Im nearly 22 and can see its hard to keep friendships as you get older!One thing you could do is google girlcrew, there are different girlcrew groups in various cities around the country who meet up for nights out and stuff! Ive never been but think it sounds like a good way of meeting people! Are you in dublin?

Rubberchikken

Have you just joined the drama group? If it's only a bew thing, then give it time.
Be friendly, chatty but a listener too. Be willing to join in if others suggest a coffee before or after the group meet.
It's the little things that will help build frîendships.

If you can be open with your mother, then tell her what's bothering you. She probably disn't mean to have what she said taken as hurtful. Most mothers just worry about their kids no matter what age they are;)