Self sabotaging girlfriend

LegacyUser · 09-10-2014 10:53pm #1

We are in our me late 30's. her early 40's and I know we both love each other but if only things were so simple.

My gf has an unbelievable amount of horrible things happen to her in her life and even though she says that she is happier now (with me) than she ever was before, she is clearly very depressed. We have been seeing each other for 3 years now, with hardly a moment spent apart.

She frequently gets drunk and when she does she either gets depressed or more often, very angry. The thing is though, when she gets angry it could be about anything at all, the slightest thing and that's the whole day gone. I can get ranted at, insulted and verbally abused until all hours of the morning. I try not to feed into it because she usually burns out after a few hours, sometimes not though. There have been times where things have goten physical instigated mostly by her. I do everything to avoid that outcome no matter how bad she gets or how mush she hits me. She says she's not really angry at me though, it's just the anger and frustration from past events (prior to meeting her). Regardless of that, I know it's not just that because when she gets in one of these angry moods, particularly when she is drunk, she brings up things that happened in our relationship 2-3 years ago even when they have been done to death again and again.

When this happens I always try to say that it would be much beter to talk about these things with cooler heads the next day, i.e., sober but she never wants to know and just keeps going. After a night of this behavior I will wake up the next day before her since she is hungover in general and wait for her to wake up if she ahsn't already pissed me off enough to have left before that. When she does awake she won't menion the night before and hates if I do. She often can't remember a lot of what she said or did. To 'make up for it' she'll buy take away that evening but never explicitly says sorry for anything. She just gets angry if I try to talk about it.

She would never get out of bed if she didn't have to, nor would she ever leave the house. She tried to commit suiicide last year when I broke up with her for a while and came very close to suceeding. It doesn't take a genius to work out that she is at the very least, depressed but there is more to it than that alone.

It seems to me that because her life has been crap up to now, she believes that it always will be and in order to prove that, she is sabotaging any chance she gets of happiness.

She has had treatment for mental heath issues before we met, she was sectioned at one point but she thinks she is ok now. She's not well and I think she knows it but either doesn't want to face it and deal with it or has given up hope on resolving it. She needs help and won't get that help. I can't make her, what do I do?

Mr. Incognito · 10-10-2014 6:15am

You poor poor guy.

You are getting abused and she has brainwashed you into thinking she is the victim.

You cant fix someone if they dont want help.

I would leave her for your own sake

Merkin · 10-10-2014 7:17am

You may love her but you're in an abusive relationship. Don't let your fear of her committing suicide stop you from leaving her because she sounds so unstable this is something she could attempt again regardless. The fact is that she is violent and abusive and doesn't seem at all remorseful or ashamed when she acts like that. I'd be cutting my losses if I were you.

kylith · 10-10-2014 7:24am

You are in an abusive relationship. I would advise you to leave. If she tries to kill herself then that is her decision and her responsibility, not yours. Please contact AMEN and talk to someone.

Lillibeth · 10-10-2014 8:42am

Anger is a symptom of severe depression. You need to get help for your girlfriend. Can you speak to her parents or her gp. Please don't give up on her, help her. She is very unwell. Ring aware or st Patrick hospital and get advice. St.pat's has a helpline manned by psychiatric nurses and available for the all the public. It is a private hospital but you don't need health insurance to avail of this service. Their phone no is 012493333. Looks their website. Please get help for her and support for yourself. It would be a very sad world we live in if we all followed the advice of walk away when a loved one is suffering from depression. She's lucky to have you.

Penny Tration · 10-10-2014 8:52am

Lillibeth wrote: »

Anger is a symptom of severe depression. You need to get help for your girlfriend. Can you speak to her parents or her gp. Please don't give up on her, help her. She is very unwell. Ring aware or st Patrick hospital and get advice. St.pat's has a helpline manned by psychiatric nurses and available for the all the public. It is a private hospital but you don't need health insurance to avail of this service. Their phone no is 012493333. Looks their website. Please get help for her and support for yourself. It would be a very sad world we live in if we all followed the advice of walk away when a loved one is suffering from depression. She's lucky to have you.

I have to completely disagree with this, tbh.

Nobody is suggesting he walk away because she's depressed.

He needs to walk away because she is an abuser and is damaging the OP.

Op, you ccan't change her. She needs some intense, long term treatment for her issues. It's not your job to be her punch bag.

Please, speak to AMEN and see what they have to say.

If your sister said her boyfriend was hitting her, what would you say?

WarpAsylum · 10-10-2014 9:37am

I was compelled to reply to your post.

You have described an ex of mine to a tee.

I entered a relationship with her, hearing all these terrible things that happened to her in the past. She was angry and violent, especially when drunk, but would blame it on the things that happened to her, or on me, for apparently not caring enough.

I really believed she was a victim, and no matter how awfully she spoke to me, how often she hit me, cheated on me, disrespected me, or isolated me from my friends, I'd somehow feel sorry for her and beg her to start counselling.

She made an appointment but didn't keep it, so I went instead, thinking I could get some advice on how to help her. It was then I was told I was being abused. I was advised to consider leaving her and to look after myself....but I didn't.

....and it got worse.

The next time I returned to the counselor, the relationship had ended. She had, in a drunken rage, stabbed me! That's what it took for me to realise what a horrible place I was in.

My point is, I know how you feel. You want to help her, but you can't. And I would imagine your judgement is clouded and you don't fully realise the situation you are in. You have been brainwashed.

Get help. Get out. Never look back.

Take care of yourself.

LegacyUser · 10-10-2014 12:19pm

reallyheadwrecked wrote: »

It seems to me that because her life has been crap up to now, she believes that it always will be and in order to prove that, she is sabotaging any chance she gets of happiness.

OP, hopefully you took note of what the poster above has said about his own experiences, but this line actually jumped out at me.

Although you have told us all what your girlfriend does, you have not mentioned through your whole post how awful YOUR OWN situation feels, and your quoted line above clearly shows how you are entirely focussed on your girlfriend being the eternal victim in her life. To my mind, you have a bit of work to do so as not to be making yourself an eternal victim in your own life.

a) Her life may well have been crap, but it's not "up to now" because it's still crap. She is beating you and raging at you and nobody could say that's not crap. It is not your responsibility, nor within your power to make her happy. It is your responsibility and within your power to make YOURSELF happy.

b) So she believes it will always be crap. Ok. Now what about you? Do you feel your life will always be crap? Or is that just for now.....?

c) She sabotages any chance of happiness in her life. Ok, but so do you, because you are still in this abusive relationship.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but like the poster above illustrates, I think you can't see the wood for the trees right now. You are worth much, much more than what you are letting happen to yourself OP. Mind yourself and good luck.

LegacyUser · 10-10-2014 12:22pm

reallyheadwrecked wrote: »

I know we both love each other

Ps. Funny kind of love, that. Who are you kidding OP? Methinks it's just yourself.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-10-2014 12:26pm

Lillibeth, I know you are coming from a good place with your advice, but by trying to offer advice to the OP to help his gf, you are completely dismissing the domestic violence that he is being subjected too... Regularly. If a woman posted that her husband/bf is suffering from depression and beats her regularly, I hope you would not advise her to stay with him and get him help.

OP, lots of people suffer anxiety and depression and manage to not be violent towards their partners. All her "issues" aside, you are in an abusive relationship. She is abusing your good nature. She is physically abusing you and she is emotionally manipulating you. She needs help. But it is help that you are not qualified to give her. And being honest, you may even be causing more damage to her by facilitating her and allowing her behaviour towards you to continue you. This is now "normal" for her. She had admitted that she is not angry at you... Yet she is using you as an outlet for all that anger. That is now normal for her. Rather than deal with her anger, and deal with whatever causes it, it's just easier (for her) to take it out on you, physically, and then ignore it ever happened. And then do it all over again.

This is not normal.

I think you are now at a stage where you are accepting it. Even your title is about her, but you cannot see that you are actually sabotaging your own happiness too. You've had 3 years of this with no change. If anything things have gotten worse. So why do you think you can fix this? You can't. Only she can. It doesn't have to be the end of the road for your relationship. But she has to admit she is a problem. And she has to commit to sorting herself out. There are so many organisations that can help, and Lillibeth has given some good advice on who to contact. There are also numbers and contact details in our Charter, stickied at the top of the forum that may help.

But the key here is she needs to seek help for herself. You can't do it for her. You can seek help and support for yourself, by contacting AMEN.ie. If she doesn't want this cycle of behaviour to end, then it's not going to end. My advice would be to approach her when she is sober and try talk to her. Don't let her go quiet. Don't let her avoid you. Maybe take a voice or video recording of her next out burst and play it back to her. Then ask her to get help. If she doesn't get help then you know she doesn't value you or your relationship as much as she does drink.

You cannot be responsible for her. And she cannot make you feel responsible for her actions. I think you know this relationship is all wrong. Is there someone you can contact to keep an eye on her? Is there someone you trust to tell exactly how bad it is and what she threatens to do if you leave her.

You're a young man, you really don't need this sht! You should be happy and secure in a relationship. When is the last time you felt relaxed around her? When is the last time you went out and actually had a nice night?

You can't help her. And she can't be helped unless she looks for it. Contact some of the places listed in the charter and see if anyone else can offer further advice. I think most of them will say to get your gf to contact them.... Do you think she will?

catonthewire · 10-10-2014 12:31pm

Hi Op,

As someone who suffers from mental health issues, I can totaly understand you're situation...
Your girlfriend is clearly very unwell, however if she is capable of threatening to kill herself in a bid to get you to stay, is capable of using abuse to control the situation, then she is also capable of seeking immediate help....

You are not responsible for her problems, you met her after she became unwell, at the moment you are bearing the brunt of her anger and have no idea how serious it may become ....
Please , seriously consider leaving, you will get peace of mind and your GF will have to make a decision either seek help or continue on a path to destruction..
Many people with severe mental health problems, accept that those we love and who love us have their limitations...
We seek help , avoid abusing alcohol, never allow ourselves to reach the point that we are abusing partners ect..
Sadly she appears incapable of making the first step to change....

Speak with people who are trained to deal with your situation and begin to make plans for your future...

catonthewire · 10-10-2014 12:50pm

Lillibeth wrote: »

Anger is a symptom of severe depression. You need to get help for your girlfriend. Can you speak to her parents or her gp. Please don't give up on her, help her. She is very unwell. Ring aware or st Patrick hospital and get advice. St.pat's has a helpline manned by psychiatric nurses and available for the all the public. It is a private hospital but you don't need health insurance to avail of this service. Their phone no is 012493333. Looks their website. Please get help for her and support for yourself. It would be a very sad world we live in if we all followed the advice of walk away when a loved one is suffering from depression. She's lucky to have you.

Lillibeth...

I can truly understand your reasons for urging him to stay, however he is not walking away from a loved one suffering from depression..
He is walking away from abuse....
This man, met a woman loved her regardless of her mental health issues, recently my partner and I broke up because he couldn't be with someone who has my illness...
It broke my heart, but I had to accept his views and though loved him dearly had to move on and get on with my life......

The issue here is abuse , this woman is controling not only her partner but her life...
SHE has to take control of her illness, seek help and recognise that her behaviour is destroying two lives....

gaynorvader · 10-10-2014 2:34pm

It sounds like she needs to stop drinking as it's aggravating her depression. I think you need to put your foot down here OP, you or the drink. Unless she's abusing you sober too, then I think you'd be best taking the advice of so many of the previous posters and getting out for your own health and safety.

LegacyUser · 10-10-2014 6:52pm

Thanks to everyone for their advice and comments. Some of the things that were said made me look at things from a different perspective and that has helped me come to the conclusion that the relationship is toxic and it will never work. I have told her we are finished but I know her well enough to expect weeks or possibly months of being hounded by her so I have to try to remain strong and not give in.

Ultimately, I know she will never seek the help she needs for her problems past and present and there really is nothing I can do about it.

I'm just going to try to get my head together over the next while and decide what to do with my life from here.

LegacyUser · 10-10-2014 7:48pm

reallyheadwrecked wrote: »

I have told her we are finished but I know her well enough to expect weeks or possibly months of being hounded by her so I have to try to remain strong and not give in.

Well done. I can't "thank" your post as a guest, but I am really thankful you've taken the biggest step in looking after yourself. You poor thing....you'll have a lot of bull to wade through still, I've no doubt. And probably much blaming of you and accusations of all sorts.

From experience (and from your first post) I reckon you have probably become estranged from any friends and family that you could have told anything significant to about your life. When you're in an abusive relationship, they seem to be the first to go a) because they'd tell you to your face that your partner is no good for you (when you may have not been in a position to want to hear them and listen) and b) because being close to you made them toxic to the person abusing you, and you would have heard all about that at home any time you met them, I'm sure.

You know better than anyone what your ex is capable of and the way she will twist things - to the extent perhaps that you don't know which way is up or for the best any more. Can I suggest that you call on the one person who is in your head as a non-judgemental friend and ask to speak to them. If you can, pour it all out and let them know how it was you came to drop them, and how it is that you now are calling on them for someone to rely on. OP, I hope you have support, or can get it. By the sounds of it you may need a good friend to lean on.

Don't be afraid.....genuine friendships never die.

Lalealynn · 10-10-2014 11:57pm

You need to leave this woman she is an abuser. PLEASE CONTACT AMEN. You need to get away from this.

I see you have told her it's over. I am so pleased for you stay strong!

XX

catonthewire · 11-10-2014 10:27am

reallyheadwrecked wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for their advice and comments. Some of the things that were said made me look at things from a different perspective and that has helped me come to the conclusion that the relationship is toxic and it will never work. I have told her we are finished but I know her well enough to expect weeks or possibly months of being hounded by her so I have to try to remain strong and not give in.

Ultimately, I know she will never seek the help she needs for her problems past and present and there really is nothing I can do about it.

I'm just going to try to get my head together over the next while and decide what to do with my life from here.

Fantastic news, honestly delighted that you found the strength to make the break..
Please don't look back, or engage with your ex via phone ect....
Rely on your friends , family and support of the groups other posters have suggested.....

Perhaps you could get away for a few days?.
Completely clear your head?.....
It honestly is to your credit that you stayed with her so long, so you definately have the inner strength to get through the Next few months...

LegacyUser · 11-10-2014 2:36pm

OP, I am so glad you have ended this relationship. I couldn't read and not respond as your post really struck a chord with me.

I too was in a relationship where I was terrified of the rage that was coming. I didn't have to do much to be on the receiving end of his vitriol. One time I had a conversation with a bar man while he was standing beside me and he went mad and I mean really off the richter scale, we were on holidays (honeymoon actually) and he had control of all our money so this put me in a really bad position.

The rages could go on for hours and hours all through the night and into the next day. Slamming doors, screaming, breaking my things on one occasion he even tried to strangle me and that was scary!

Every holiday we ever had was ruined by one or more of his rages and still I stayed! I told myself it was the drink or whatever else he was doing but no it was all him. The usual arguments that couples have were usually met by his total over reaction and on more than one occasion I came home from work to find suicide notes, he would disappear for a couple of days and drink until all his money was gone. I wanted to help him, tried to get him to counselling etc but there was just no saving the marriage in the end.

I am so glad you have left her op, I wish I'd had the courage to leave sooner than I did, to say that the whole experience has damaged me is an understatement, all my self confidence is gone, every last shred! All the horrible things he said to me just float around my head. I was the person who was abused in the relationship but he always turned things around to be my fault and that he was the victim.

In the end I found out he had been cheating before the wedding and since and this was why he had been so jealous, aggressive and possessive of me. Along with the obvious mental issues he had he was also a cheater so it was easier to walk away. There was months of pained pathethic texts, accusations, suicide threats and all sorts of emotional blackmail. I set out to try and discover the truth which was virtually impossible as I was dealing with a pathological lier and a skilled manipulator. I could never get the upper hand with him in anyway and spent months looking like an absolute psycho trying to get to the bottom of horror that was my marriage. In the end I had to give up and try to move on with my life and he gave up interest in me as soon as he found another victim. Two years on Im damaged goods and terrified of ever getting into another relationship which makes me very sad.

Don't make the same mistakes as me, do not feed into her texts, phone call's or efforts to meet with you. It will just go on and on if you feed into her need for your attention.

Stay away from her altogether no matter what happens, you can not fix her you can only try to heal yourself. Good luck x

Self sabotaging girlfriend

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