partners and children

celineos

I've a one year and so far I've done majority of night feeds most of the time the baby dosent sleep at night then goes asleep during the day for an hour or so. I do everything during the day too even when my partner has days off. When I say I'm knackered his answer is cop on do you think other women who have kids go on like this.
Is it just me or is it men just like the idea of making kids then when the baby comes they don't do anything I thought in a relationship your suppose to meet half way support and help each other not just one person in the relationship dose everything im at my wicks end

indigo twist

It depends, really. Are you both working? When I was on maternity leave and my partner was working, I did pretty much all the night feeds (although I did get the odd night off.) I'd have also done the majority of housework and cooking. Now that we're both working, everything is (theoretically) shared equally, all child-related duties and housework and cooking etc. Of course, there are days when one of us does more than the other, but I think it balances out overall.

His attitude to you, telling you to cop on etc, does sound quite disrespectful. It's not something I'd tolerate myself. But, if it's a case that you're a stay-at-home mother and he goes out to work every day, in fairness it's reasonable to expect you to do more than him around the house. Including the majority of night feeds.

Similarly if the mother was working full-time and the father was a stay-at-home parent, I'd expect them to take on the bulk of household chores, in addition to childcare. It's nothing to do with gender, or it shouldn't be at least.

celineos

indigo twist wrote: »

It depends, really. Are you both working? When I was on maternity leave and my partner was working, I did pretty much all the night feeds (although I did get the odd night off.) I'd have also done the majority of housework and cooking. Now that we're both working, everything is (theoretically) shared equally, all child-related duties and housework and cooking etc. Of course, there are days when one of us does more than the other, but I think it balances out overall.

His attitude to you, telling you to cop on etc, does sound quite disrespectful. It's not something I'd tolerate myself. But, if it's a case that you're a stay-at-home mother and he goes out to work every day, in fairness it's reasonable to expect you to do more than him around the house. Including the majority of night feeds.

Similarly if the mother was working full-time and the father was a stay-at-home parent, I'd expect them to take on the bulk of household chores, in addition to childcare. It's nothing to do with gender, or it shouldn't be at least.

He works 2 and a half days a week. When he's off work he plays ps4 and then moans if he has to pick the child up if they go over to him. There was a point were I'd get one night off a week but that has disappeared I do all night feeds even day feeds when he's off and cater for dinner and do house chores. If I fall asleep in the evenings after the baby is put to bed and the oldest child is dealt with from being knackered he wakes me up. If the baby is due a bath on his days off he tells me he dosent bath her.I just feel like I'm doing everything and getting nothing back only the comments grow up or cop on because I'm so tired I end up breaking down and crying and he then says I'm unbelievable when this happen. Am I being rediculous??

indigo twist

Well I wouldn't blame it on men being like that, I'd blame it on him being like that. It would be unfair to tarnish an entire gender with the same brush. There are plenty of wonderful fathers out there who are happy to do their share.

It sounds like you're really struggling with the bulk of all the chores, and that's really not on, if he's only working part-time.

To me, a fair compromise would be that he doesn't have to do any housework or night feeds on the three days that he's working. He has one full day off with no work or housework. And he has three days when you both split everything evenly.

In return, you do the bulk of everything around the house for the three days that he's working. For three days you split everything evenly. And you have one set day a week, a full 24 hours, where he does everything - all of the housework and cooking and childcare.

Of course, you'd have to tweak this to suit your own situation and relationship.

If you suggest this to him and he disagrees, ask him exactly why he considers it unfair? Your relationship should be an equal partnership. There is no logical reason why you should be doing everything on all of his days off work.

CelticRambler

Not being ridiculous at all. When my children were at the "waking in the night" stage, my wife would do feeds up to about 2am, then I'd do anything from then till 7 or 8. It was simple logic - I could get back to sleep quite easily, she couldn't. We were both up at about 7, me to take the school-age ones to school, then go to work, she to take the others to play-group/shopping/whatever.

I was working for myself at that point and took two half days off a week, to mind the children and give my wife a break. If he prefers playing PS4 to playing with his own child he's a feckineejit. :mad:

celineos

indigo twist wrote: »

Well I wouldn't blame it on men being like that, I'd blame it on him being like that. It would be unfair to tarnish an entire gender with the same brush. There are plenty of wonderful fathers out there who are happy to do their share.

It sounds like you're really struggling with the bulk of all the chores, and that's really not on, if he's only working part-time.

To me, a fair compromise would be that he doesn't have to do any housework or night feeds on the three days that he's working. He has one full day off with no work or housework. And he has three days when you both split everything evenly.

In return, you do the bulk of everything around the house for the three days that he's working. For three days you split everything evenly. And you have one set day a week, a full 24 hours, where he does everything - all of the housework and cooking and childcare.

Of course, you'd have to tweak this to suit your own situation and relationship.

If you suggest this to him and he disagrees, ask him exactly why he considers it unfair? Your relationship should be an equal partnership. There is no logical reason why you should be doing everything on all of his days off work.

I do everything dinners chores night feeds bath the baby the days he works and the days he's off he just plays ps4 does the odd dinner drinks, even drank the duration of my pregnancy. Could be his age he thinks men do f all and women do everything I do have to remind him were not in the 1960s era now. I've to cater for two kids before I can relax where as on his days off I still do dinners and normal chores as if he were in work. If I mention it to him I know he'd have a disagreement about it usual words out of him.

hoodwinked

honestly it's not all men, in my case when our daughter was night feeding my husband was in his final year of college and i was working full time, as it turned out i would sleep through anything where as when she so much as gurgled he would shoot up and check on her, as a result he used do most of the night feeds, i would try as much as i could to wake up to give him a full nights sleep however.

as for bottles/nappies/baths it was pretty much 50/50,

i would wash the clothes he would wash the dishes....

we both tried to give each other breaks but i noticed he couldn't relax at home always watching her, always waiting for her, so i sent him off with his friends for a weekend surfing/drinking/relaxing..etc. he felt a million times better after it.

you sound like my husband, could you organise a weekend away with friends just to give yourself a break? or even do you have a relative who could help mind the children to even give you a few hours by yourself? you'd be surprised of what a half day off from the children can do for you.

Slicemeister

He needs a good wake up call OP. Try not making the dinner/ doing the wash up/ his washing til he gets the message. If my Oh is cooking, ill mind the baby-she does the bath, ill do the pjs- she does the morning I do the evening. We both work so it's not half as challenging (wrong word where kids are involved) when the workload is halved at home.

Every second Sunday is a sleep in, which never happens anyway....

celineos

CelticRambler wrote: »

Not being ridiculous at all. When my children were at the "waking in the night" stage, my wife would do feeds up to about 2am, then I'd do anything from then till 7 or 8. It was simple logic - I could get back to sleep quite easily, she couldn't. We were both up at about 7, me to take the school-age ones to school, then go to work, she to take the others to play-group/shopping/whatever.

I was working for myself at that point and took two half days off a week, to mind the children and give my wife a break. If he prefers playing PS4 to playing with his own child he's a feckineejit. :mad:

He'd drop my child to school during the week even when he's not working and when he sees I'm knackered on his days off there'd be one or two morns max he'd take the baby out of the room so I could try and go back asleep. Being not able I'd just lie there. When I do the night feeds I can't go back asleep I'm either playing games on my phone or on the internet its hard for me to get back to sleep then if I end up getting back asleep the alarm then goes for me to get up with eldest child to get ready for school also the baby then gets up at same time. I just don't know what to say to him in a way that he doesn't tell me to grow up or cop on. I cry on my own from being knackered

celineos

hoodwinked wrote: »

honestly it's not all men, in my case when our daughter was night feeding my husband was in his final year of college and i was working full time, as it turned out i would sleep through anything where as when she so much as gurgled he would shoot up and check on her, as a result he used do most of the night feeds, i would try as much as i could to wake up to give him a full nights sleep however.

as for bottles/nappies/baths it was pretty much 50/50,

i would wash the clothes he would wash the dishes....

we both tried to give each other breaks but i noticed he couldn't relax at home always watching her, always waiting for her, so i sent him off with his friends for a weekend surfing/drinking/relaxing..etc. he felt a million times better after it.

you sound like my husband, could you organise a weekend away with friends just to give yourself a break? or even do you have a relative who could help mind the children to even give you a few hours by yourself? you'd be surprised of what a half day off from the children can do for you.

I've no relatives around me I've the kids 24/7. I dont really have friends either i keep to myself.I do bottles give baby her food I'm the one that baths the baby I call him to hold the towel when I'm getting him out. I just have the kids all the time even in the evenings the baby has bedtime if they wake up I have to deal with him Bootle or nappy. I don't mean this in a bad sense but all I see is the baby 24/7 I don't get a break at all.

indigo twist

I really feel for you, you're clearly exhausted. I'm the same as you in that if I'm woken during the night, I'll rarely get back to sleep. And sleep is SO important for your mental and physical health.

I don't feel that it's appropriate for him to be telling you to grow up or cop on. You are both adults, in an adult relationship. He should not be speaking to you like you're a bold child. It is completely reasonable that you would expect him to act as a responsible father to your children, and an equal partner to you.

Do you think it might help to put your feelings in writing, e.g. a letter or an e-mail to him? If he lashes out when you say it, and if you find it hard to put across your points, this might be a solution? Or even show him this thread?

celineos

indigo twist wrote: »

I really feel for you, you're clearly exhausted. I'm the same as you in that if I'm woken during the night, I'll rarely get back to sleep. And sleep is SO important for your mental and physical health.

I don't feel that it's appropriate for him to be telling you to grow up or cop on. You are both adults, in an adult relationship. He should not be speaking to you like you're a bold child. It is completely reasonable that you would expect him to act as a responsible father to your children, and an equal partner to you.

Do you think it might help to put your feelings in writing, e.g. a letter or an e-mail to him? If he lashes out when you say it, and if you find it hard to put across your points, this might be a solution? Or even show him this thread?

Im sick of trying to talk to

celineos

indigo twist wrote: »

I really feel for you, you're clearly exhausted. I'm the same as you in that if I'm woken during the night, I'll rarely get back to sleep. And sleep is SO important for your mental and physical health.

I don't feel that it's appropriate for him to be telling you to grow up or cop on. You are both adults, in an adult relationship. He should not be speaking to you like you're a bold child. It is completely reasonable that you would expect him to act as a responsible father to your children, and an equal partner to you.

Do you think it might help to put your feelings in writing, e.g. a letter or an e-mail to him? If he lashes out when you say it, and if you find it hard to put across your points, this might be a solution? Or even show him this thread?

Im sick of trying to talk to

celineos

indigo twist wrote: »

I really feel for you, you're clearly exhausted. I'm the same as you in that if I'm woken during the night, I'll rarely get back to sleep. And sleep is SO important for your mental and physical health.

I don't feel that it's appropriate for him to be telling you to grow up or cop on. You are both adults, in an adult relationship. He should not be speaking to you like you're a bold child. It is completely reasonable that you would expect him to act as a responsible father to your children, and an equal partner to you.

Do you think it might help to put your feelings in writing, e.g. a letter or an e-mail to him? If he lashes out when you say it, and if you find it hard to put across your points, this might be a solution? Or even show him this thread?

I've tried talking to him so many times it just dosent work just feels like I'm on my own doing everything usual quote from him so ur telling me u can't cope I'll just take the child then or I'll stay at home and u work ur just like my ex. Staying at home is easy u go out and work then.

pwurple

My husband did all night feeds. Even when I was breastfeeding, I'd express one for nighttime. Feck that, it's WAY easier to go to work all day than it is to mind children all day. I know, I work as well!


My dad also did all nightfeeds for us as babies, so I kinda expected it to be honest. It wasn't even up for discussion at the start.


I see a lot of families ending up with "learned helplessness" in the father, where he either doesn't attempt it, or isn't given the chance. It gets worse and worse until they can barely cook for themselves, and doesn't even know where the childrens clothes are stored.

Don't enable it... you get run into the ground, and he ends up feeling completely useless.

implausible

celineos wrote: »

I've tried talking to him so many times it just dosent work just feels like I'm on my own doing everything usual quote from him so ur telling me u can't cope I'll just take the child then or I'll stay at home and u work ur just like my ex. Staying at home is easy u go out and work then.

That is no way for someone to speak to his partner and the mother of his child!

The only way he is going to see how exhausting your day is if he does it himself for a while. Why don't you go away for a weekend or even a day? You need to get out of the house as problems will seem far worse when you're sitting in the house brooding and exhausted. You could join a club, take up a sport or even get some part-time or voluntary work. This would make him step up to the plate and give you something else to do and focus on.

Tbh, he sounds quite immature and not willing to accept the responsibilities of fatherhood. He needs a kick up the a*se to cop on.

celineos

pwurple wrote: »

My husband did all night feeds. Even when I was breastfeeding, I'd express one for nighttime. Feck that, it's WAY easier to go to work all day than it is to mind children all day. I know, I work as well!


My dad also did all nightfeeds for us as babies, so I kinda expected it to be honest. It wasn't even up for discussion at the start.


I see a lot of families ending up with "learned helplessness" in the father, where he either doesn't attempt it, or isn't given the chance. It gets worse and worse until they can barely cook for themselves, and doesn't even know where the childrens clothes are stored.

Don't enable it... you get run into the ground, and he ends up feeling completely useless.

I think at this stage I'm run into the ground already don't know how I'm surviving the day I get headaches from lack of sleep and at the minute I'm on tablets for possible rheumatoid arthritis in my joint.
I'd just like a bit of help off him now again when he sees that I'm tired help me out. I put the baby to bed every night he could at least share that with me when he's off

pwurple

indigo twist wrote: »

Including the majority of night feeds.

I agree with most of your post, except this part.

I find it much easier to get up during the night since I went back to work. I think it's simpler for the working person to do it, because they have a shorter, less stressful day, not filled with puke, nappies and screaming. It's much more tiring being on maternity leave.

OP. If I were you, I'd get a job or go away on hols for a week. Let him look after the baby on his own and see how he gets on.

pwurple

celineos wrote: »

I think at this stage I'm run into the ground already don't know how I'm surviving the day I get headaches from lack of sleep and at the minute I'm on tablets for possible rheumatoid arthritis in my joint.
I'd just like a bit of help off him now again when he sees that I'm tired help me out. I put the baby to bed every night he could at least share that with me when he's off

This is brutal. Unhappy mammy is good for no-one, you'll hit PND like a brick wall.

Organise some stuff for yourself in the evenings. Go out. Even for a walk. When he's home, baby is all his.

celineos

implausible wrote: »

That is no way for someone to speak to his partner and the mother of his child!

The only way he is going to see how exhausting your day is if he does it himself for a while. Why don't you go away for a weekend or even a day? You need to get out of the house as problems will seem far worse when you're sitting in the house brooding and exhausted. You could join a club, take up a sport or even get some part-time or voluntary work. This would make him step up to the plate and give you something else to do and focus on.

Tbh, he sounds quite immature and not willing to accept the responsibilities of fatherhood. He needs a kick up the a*se to cop on.

I can't really do that either he does chores for his elderly parents and then I've no time to give myself. I know myself he would say its easy if he did take over what I do all the time he'sstubborn like that. II'd just like me time for once

pwurple

celineos wrote: »

I can't really do that either he does chores for his elderly parents and then I've no time to give myself. I know myself he would say its easy if he did take over what I do all the time he'sstubborn like that. II'd just like me time for once

You really sound like you are depressed as well. Crying, isolated, and fighting with husband are all alarm bells for me.

Have you seen a doctor about PND?

Slicemeister

Would you consider just faking illness for a day or two while he's around? I know it's a bit immature but it might make him realise what you're going through...

Can you speak to any family members about what's going on? I know if it was my sister I'd be upset and would try to help.

Sounds to me like he needs a kick start. Jesus Christ I thought this type of carry on was dead and gone.

celineos

pwurple wrote: »

This is brutal. Unhappy mammy is good for no-one, you'll hit PND like a brick wall.

Organise some stuff for yourself in the evenings. Go out. Even for a walk. When he's home, baby is all his.

He dosent believe in post natal depression he calls it issues I was suffering crying all the time not being able to cope when the baby woke during the night and didn't go back asleep I'd mention it to him or try to tell him and he said go talk to someone keep your issues to yourself. I was diagnosed with pnd but decided not to take the medication that would be another bullet for him. He doesn't know that I have been diagnosed and won't be told either. I just don't need him moaning at me

implausible

celineos wrote: »

I'd just like a bit of help off him now again when he sees that I'm tired help me out. I put the baby to bed every night he could at least share that with me when he's off

It took me a fair while with my own partner to figure out that often he does not notice things or sees them as normal. I had to learn to say "I'm tired/fed up/pissed off, can you please change the baby/put him to bed/sweep the floor for me?" Say it, don't wait for him to notice.

celineos wrote: »

I can't really do that either he does chores for his elderly parents and then I've no time to give myself. I know myself he would say its easy if he did take over what I do all the time he's stubborn like that. II'd just like me time for once

If he's doing chores, he can throw the kids in the car and bring them with him. Kids love doing the most mundane of things with their dad. I'm sure the grandparents like seeing their grandkids. Let him off doing it and saying it's easy. You don't want confirmation that your job is exhausting, what you need is a break!

pwurple

celineos wrote: »

He dosent believe in post natal depression he calls it issues I was suffering crying all the time not being able to cope when the baby woke during the night and didn't go back asleep I'd mention it to him or try to tell him and he said go talk to someone keep your issues to yourself. I was diagnosed with pnd but decided not to take the medication that would be another bullet for him. He doesn't know that I have been diagnosed and won't be told either. I just don't need him moaning at me

Another bullet for him? You need to look after yourself and your health firstly. Never mind what he thinks about it.

Please take your medication, it's very hard to make decisions when you have PND. Every tiny thing feels worse x 1000.

pwurple

Also, I've talked to men about this. One guy said he didn't realise his wife had PND, he thought she had suddenly turned into, in his words "a whining btch." It's really tough to live with someone with PND too.

celineos

implausible wrote: »

It took me a fair while with my own partner to figure out that often he does not notice things or sees them as normal. I had to learn to say "I'm tired/fed up/pissed off, can you please change the baby/put him to bed/sweep the floor for me?" Say it, don't wait for him to notice.



If he's doing chores, he can throw the kids in the car and bring them with him. Kids love doing the most mundane of things with their dad. I'm sure the grandparents like seeing their grandkids. Let him off doing it and saying it's easy. You don't want confirmation that your job is exhausting, what you need is a break!

My eldest isn't his and the baby is only 11 months. His answer to that would be if the baby needed a bottle while he's driving how's he suppose to do it. Sometimes he brings the baby with him to the shops or when he's collecting his other kids.

loalae

What was he like before baby came along? Did he ever help out at home? If he has an idea in his head that he shouldn't have to help out in the home or with the baby I'm not so sure that it'll be an easy task to convince him. I'm sorry to be so blunt here but to me he sounds incrediblyselfish, callous and indifferent to your needs.

Is there anyone else who could help you out?

implausible

celineos wrote: »

My eldest isn't his and the baby is only 11 months. His answer to that would be if the baby needed a bottle while he's driving how's he suppose to do it. Sometimes he brings the baby with him to the shops or when he's collecting his other kids.

Well, it's time someone stopped making excuses. Time the visit, an 11 month old is eating food and shouldn't be looking for a bottle 24/7.

You seem to not want to take any action because you are predicting what he is going to say and your outlook is "so what's the point?" You are setting far too much store by what he says, does and thinks.

With PND, nothing is going to improve until you start dealing with it. Everything is going to seem crap and there will never seem to be any point in bringing things up with him, unless you start taking your medication. If he doesn't 'believe' in PND (what utter sh*t), either ignore him or drag him along to the GP with you. Either way, you are not going to have the energy or will to change things unless you get better.

You have PND, you are alone in a house with kids most of the time and your other half is acting the pr*ck. You have control over two of those things, take it back. Start by taking your medication, go for a walk and ignore him for a while.

eviltwin

She shouldn't have to expect other people to help, its his child!!! He needs to step up to the plate, his attitude and the way he is talking to her is disgusting. And now he says PND doesn't exist? :eek: Why are you with the man?

loalae

It's his child but if he isn't helping then the OP May have to look for other options. If someone refuses to help you can't force them and in the meantime OP still needs support!

Sweet Rose

I agree with what another poster said, I would feign illness for a few days and stay in bed. He sounds so unreasonable, ignorant and goddamn lazy. You poor thing! I couldn't and wouldn't put up with a man like that. He needs a good bolt to wake him up. To be honest, I would use some tough love with him. I would have to sit him down and I would be extremely firm with him. I would give him a certain amount of time to pull up his socks or I'd be out of there like a bat out of hell. I know a few women who put up with 'men' like your partner. I really don't know why. I'd rather be on my own or look for a better partner to be quite honest.

Tordelback

OP, that is a very rough situation. When ours were at that stage I did the night-stuff, because I worked long hours and my wife had to do it all bloody day - also, it was really the only time I got to spend with the kid during the week.

However I was pretty negligent with the rest of the household chores, reasoning that I was doing my bit and while my wife was on maternity leave she had the time to do all the rest. I was wrong, and the burden of squally baby plus adventurous toddler plus hungry work-stressed husband took a pretty terrible toll on my largely isolated partner (one afternoon a week visit to her parents, and that was about it) until I eventually had to cop myself on.

How you could be expected to cope with nights and two kids all day on your own I can't imagine. You need to assert your right to some time away, even if it's just going out for a drive or a walk or a coffee, and see how himself copes - men aren't as useless as they sometimes like to let on in pursuit of an easy life. Sometimes all they need is a dose of reality.

But get some time away as a couple too, if you can find some way of doing it. Easier to talk these things through when there isn't a messy living room and a dirty nappy and a persistent wail in the background.

pwurple

Also, it's not a battleground. If he thinks looking after the baby is easy, then I'd be delighted, as that means he can do loads more of this easy peasy stuff.

It's when they find it really hard that you've got to start fighting about who does it (yucky bins!)

Alf Veedersane

Ours is 3 weeks old. I'm back at work this week so when I come home, I'll make the dinner more often than not. As soon as that's done, I'll look after the baby and my wife goes to bed for a few hours. I'll stay up as close to midnight as I can to let her get some rest and then I'll bring the baby up and go to bed. I'm up and out the door at 7. I may need to start getting up for an hour or so if the baby is awake in the middle of the night. At the weekend I try and do as much as I can to give my wife a break to go out for a walk or go to town and do something 'normal'.

The long and short of it is regardless of who's working, you're a partnership. Having a job isn't an excuse to throw the "you're on maternity leave" line out and expect to have no responsibility for looking after your child when you're not working.

celineos

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Ours is 3 weeks old. I'm back at work this week so when I come home, I'll make the dinner more often than not. As soon as that's done, I'll look after the baby and my wife goes to bed for a few hours. I'll stay up as close to midnight as I can to let her get some rest and then I'll bring the baby up and go to bed. I'm up and out the door at 7. I may need to start getting up for an hour or so if the baby is awake in the middle of the night. At the weekend I try and do as much as I can to give my wife a break to go out for a walk or go to town and do something 'normal'.

The long and short of it is regardless of who's working, you're a partnership. Having a job isn't an excuse to throw the "you're on maternity leave" line out and expect to have no responsibility for looking after your child when you're not working.

Thanks for the comment I just feel its all one way in this relationship

LegacyUser

What was he like before you had the baby? Sounds like he has been mothered his whole life. If you are constantly doing everything for them then he will expect things to stay the same. Its his kid too and and its not as if he is working full time. 2.5 days a week working and then pi$$ing around on computer games on his days off.
I've a friend whose partner will not do any cleaning / chores around the house so she hired somebody to come in once a week and he has to pay for it. So if he is not going to help out with cleaning and chores around the house then he suggest he pay somebody to do it. When it hits him in the pocket he may change his ways.
Seriously you need to to leave the baby with him and just get out of the house or else kick him out! It sounds like he has no interest in being a father to his own child!

Alf Veedersane

celineos wrote: »

Thanks for the comment I just feel its all one way in this relationship

Sounds like it. He needs a rude awakening, to be honest.

I don't know if it's because he's lazy or he just doesn't understand how difficult looking after children all day actually is.

Possibly the latter if he spends his days off sitting around playing computer games.

He needs a dose of doing the work himself to get an appreciation.

Orion

celineos wrote: »

He dosent believe in post natal depression he calls it issues I was suffering crying all the time not being able to cope when the baby woke during the night and didn't go back asleep I'd mention it to him or try to tell him and he said go talk to someone keep your issues to yourself. I was diagnosed with pnd but decided not to take the medication that would be another bullet for him. He doesn't know that I have been diagnosed and won't be told either. I just don't need him moaning at me

Thankfully it doesn't actually matter whether he believes in it or not - unless he's a doctor. You've been diagnosed by a professional. Take your medication for your own health. You don't need to tell him that you're taking it.

ForestFire

Quick post:- There are some supports available that may help you and if your partner also here:-

http://nurturepnd.org/

Sweet Rose

Is there any way you could put the younger baby in the crèche while the older child is at school, even if it was for one day per week. Even to get out of the house and go for a coffee or have a pop around the shops. You need to feel human again. I've been in your shoes but I was on my own. Having an unsupportive and from what I've read emotionally abusive partner would have made the situation even the more frustrating. Hopefully things will things will get better for you, he really needs to step up though.

celineos

Sweet Rose wrote: »

Is there any way you could put the younger baby in the crèche while the older child is at school, even if it was for one day per week. Even to get out of the house and go for a coffee or have a pop around the shops. You need to feel human again. I've been in your shoes but I was on my own. Having an unsupportive and from what I've read emotionally abusive partner would have made the situation even the more frustrating. Hopefully things will things will get better for you, he really needs to step up though.

We don't have the money on payments I'm under him so its difficult

Merkin

Orion wrote: »

Thankfully it doesn't actually matter whether he believes in it or not - unless he's a doctor. You've been diagnosed by a professional. Take your medication for your own health. You don't need to tell him that you're taking it.

Totally agree with this. PND is not something that should just be ignored OP. You've enough on your plate with solely managing all this responsibility without also ignoring your mental health. Take your medication as prescribed, you don't need to tell your partner but take it for yourself and for the sake of your kids as you'll be able to cope better if you address that there is an issue rather than just hoping it will go away.

Tbh I think the dynamic of this relationship is not just down to him being bone lazy, there seems to be an inherent lack of support and kindness from him. Are you actually happy with him? Do you still love him? Because I'd be taking stock of the entire relationship rather than just focussing on his abject unwillingness to get involved in any way.

pwurple

I wouldn't make any large relationship decisions with PND to be honest. It's very hard to see clearly what's going on when in the middle of it, every word or gesture from everyone else feels like an attack. And it's hard going living with someone with it also... Everything he does will be wrong. Not that what he said was right, but he may be trying to stay out of the way and getting very frustrated with the negativity.

Very Best for everyone in the family would be to start the treatment (because it takes a while), and see how it goes.

celineos

Merkin wrote: »

Totally agree with this. PND is not something that should just be ignored OP. You've enough on your plate with solely managing all this responsibility without also ignoring your mental health. Take your medication as prescribed, you don't need to tell your partner but take it for yourself and for the sake of your kids as you'll be able to cope better if you address that there is an issue rather than just hoping it will go away.

Tbh I think the dynamic of this relationship is not just down to him being bone lazy, there seems to be an inherent lack of support and kindness from him. Are you actually happy with him? Do you still love him? Because I'd be taking stock of the entire relationship rather than just focussing on his abject unwillingness to get involved in any way.

When he's not being a dick I'm happy but when he tells me to cop on or grow up I go right off him. There was in instance last night were the baby wouldn't settle fed changed everything so I let her wings for few mins both of us took turns in and out giving the dummy and I said to him don't take the baby out I just got them back into a routine his reply was **** off iI'll do what I want. In the end he didn't take the baby out I just got fed up and went to bed usual then I was up all night with the baby.

Pablodreamsofnew

Go out for the day when it's your partners day off and leave him with the children. Let him see all the work you do.

it's not normal behaviour on your partners side. My husband does so much and doesn't complain. Every man is different. I think your partner is being so selfish!
As far as housework I do all of it but my husband does a lot of cooking so i'm happy.

Rachineire

Things are pertty much 50/50 between my partner and I. In fact he probably does more than I do right now in terms of cooking dinners and minding our little one while I do more cleaning and running of the house and errands type stuff. he usually gets up with him in the morning, gets up at night if needs be. We are both working and take turns. but even then when I was only working part time or when I was on maternity leave he helped out as much as he could when he was home.

He knows that taking care of a baby is much harder than working and also its his son. he loves him and wants to spend time with him and bond. tbh your partner doesn't sound like he is bothered at all. and sounds like a burden more than anything. I had PND and I needed TONS of support from my partner emotionally and physically with the baby and house.
No one can do it all themselves, everyone needs help from time to time. I would tell him to cop on big time!

mapaca

He works 2 and a half days a week you say? Well you are working 24/7! How is that fair?

For your own sake, please reconsider taking the PND medication. You don't have to tell him about it straight away if you think he will give you grief about it. It may take a while to start working, but it will help you.

Have you support from anyone else nearby, family or friends? Is there a local mum and baby group you could join, something like that? Someone to talk it all out with. Or just someone who could take the kids for an hour and give you a break?

helimachoptor

Our baby is 11 weeks old,

I get 2 weeks paternity leave and have taken 2*1 weeks holidays.

Wife was breast feeding so she did night feeds for the first 2 weeks.
The other 2 weeks I was on holidays I did night feeds (bottles) and most of the day feeds.

Wife did night feeds Sunday to Thursday, I did Friday and Saturday, baby is sleeping from 9-7am for the last 3 weeks and I'm an early bird so I would probably do 2/3 of these morning feeds during the week and then Saturday and Sunday .

I play football every Tuesday so I normally don't see the baby as she's asleep, but when I get home in the evenings I do try and give my wife a break, weekends are the same I try to either get out of the house with the baby for a couple of hours or have my wife go off.

For what it's worth I'm also a gamer, I play In a league, I have conceded many games because the baby has woken up and my wife is asleep.

Frankly he sounds pretty damn immature op, you say he has other kids, how many? Just wondering if a pattern is there that he sticks ariund until the gf "nags" him that little too much and then moves on

Not wanting to spend time with your child is inconceivable and tbh 11 month olds are really interactive, he's really missing out

wolfpawnat

Some men can be pains, my fella has never changed our younger childs nappy, not once. And he did two bottle feeds, that is the grand total in 14 months. He is in college and is coming up to his finals so he is under pressure with that, but like your guy, he seems to think

A) raising kids is easy "Sure you do nothing but raise them" (not as easy to do as it is to type.

it is somewhat automatically easy for women.

C) When he has time off, he should not have to even deal with them outside his own terms. "I should have stayed in college, the kids are wrecking my head, I just want to read a book." I have not read a book in months, I haven't got the damn time.

I think our problem (because we both seem to have the same issue) is that we do way too much and don't kick up enough stink about their lackadaisical behaviour. I cook, clean and raise the kids, but that is nothing to him apparently. I keep swearing I am going to go off for a few hours and leave his sorry behind with two kids and housework some day soon and see how he likes it. (yet I never get the balls to do it)

pwurple

Wolfpawnat, how is the relationship between him and the children? Seems so odd to me that he wouldn't want to bond with them. Myself and my husband bicker over who GETS to feed the baby.

Does he put them to bed, read them stories etc? If he doesn't even want to spend time with them when he is off, I'd be worried about that for the future. I have it in my head that teenagers are more likely to respect their parents when they know eachover very well, and have built up a solid relationship as children.