How to bring up the idea of a timeline / biological clock??

midnight_train

Hello everyone,

I am 37 years old. I've had several long-term relationships and one (broken) engagement, but I'm happy to say that I have finally met someone absolutely wonderful, who I adore. I've been with my boyfriend now for 14 months, and I can honestly say that ever day I'm with him is better than the last. I could go on and on about him, but suffice to say, I love him very much and he loves me, too. So all good there!

He is 34. In many ways, he's very mature, in that he helps his parents out financially, owns a home/car, has a permanent job, etc., and would be very sensible in general. But in other ways, he is - not immature, exactly - but doesn't think much about the future, I guess.

Sometime I think he thinks of himself as being younger than he is, and thinks of me as being younger, too. I do look pretty young for my age, which in a lot of ways is a good thing, and I suppose my lifestyle/way of dressing, acting, etc., might be a bit younger than my biological age, but I do think that he kind of forgets how old I really am. (I am not an immature person, just honestly do get mistaken for being younger than I actually am!)

We get on great and are very happy together. Before he and I got together, he hadn't had a proper girlfriend in quite a long time, so we took things really slowly. But we have built a really strong relationship over time - it's the first relationship I've had where things really went at a natural pace, and I've enjoyed every stage of process. We don't live together, but we live quite nearby, and both of us are happy with the arrangement we have at the moment.

I really do feel that my boyfriend is the right guy for me. I can really see him as a life partner, and the person who I could grow old with. I think that he and I could make each other happy and if I got to spend the rest of my life with him, I'd consider myself very lucky indeed.

As I said, I am very happy with our relationship now, and I know he is, too. I don't want to rush things. But. I'm not that young. I would love to have a family, even just one child. I know if I want this, I need to actually do something about it. But I don't know how to bring up my 'timeline' without feeling like I'm putting pressure on him. I do honestly feel very loved, and I know he is devoted to me. But in some ways, I think he'd be happy to keep going out together for a few more years and then have a chat about things! If I were younger, this would be OK, but ... I'm not.

My mother had me when she was 40, her sister had twins at age 45. My other auntie also had both of her kids in her 40s. Growing up, I always kind of accepted this as the norm. (I know it's not!)

How can I bring up the 'where is this all going, and when??' issue with my boyfriend? When we'd been together for a year, we had a vague chat about the future - i.e., we both said we wanted marriage and kids at some point (in general), I said I didn't want to move in together until we were ready to make a really serious commitment, i.e., engagement, but it was all very general. I kind of want to get a more concrete idea of where he stands, but don't want him to feel pressured, either. But I need to take responsibility for my own life, too, and not ignore my own biological clock for fear of scaring him off.

Any advice, please, on how to broach this subject?? Thank you in advance x

Lalealynn

Just bring it up straight up. Just ask him what his plans are in the next five yrs. And tell him what yours are, see if you are compatible and if one of you can compromise if you are a not compatible. If he says he does not want to think about it then that means he has no plans.

I wouldn't be afraid I would just straight up discuss it. You need to as if he wants kids with you and you in particular you do need to start thinking about it and the sooner the better to be honest. Sorry just being honest.

Neyite

I brought it up on a night in with a bottle of wine. Started by asking him how many kids he would like us to have, he said 3, then I worked out the average time it takes to concieve, 12- 18 months per baby at least and told him it could take us 5 or more years, more if there were losses or complications along the way. I joked, that since I was 36, we'd want to get a move on soon.

It was all very lighthearted and not a Big Talk at all.

About a week later, he came back, said he'd thought about what I'd said, and hadnt really realised the time scales needed, that we should just do it. Start trying now. And we did.

LegacyUser

If you really want to have kids do not delay bringing up this issue. Lots of men have no idea whatsoever about the biological clock thing. They think 'ah sure, so-and-so had a baby at 45' and have no clue that it's much harder to conceive in the later years.

I had to discuss this with my boyfriend after we were going out nine months. It just came up in conversation. He actually didn't want kids at all at the time and we had to break up for that reason. But he changed his mind and we are now getting married and hoping to have a family. It wasn't an easy conversation to have, as up until then everything had just been lovely and laid back. However, I have no regrets. Those difficult times ended up bringing us closer together and we now know exactly what road we are taking together.

Try and keep it lighthearted as somebody else has mentioned. But make sure your boyfriend understands exactly what he is dealing with. My boyfriend took to the internet looking up information on women's fertility after 35 and it opened his eyes a lot.

Best of luck!

CaraMay

Yeah i do think you need to come at this conversation from the side (like a horse ) and do as Neyite says.

I have been in your position before and my ex lied and said he wanted kids for 2 years as he was worried I would dump him if he told the truth. I dumped him for lying. It's important that he tells you his thoughts relatively quickly and it doesn't drag on for months...

What's important is that you know whether or not it's deal breaker. If he says he doesn't want kids for 5 years what do you do? You need to have decided your own boundaries before you start the chat. Are you prepared to walk if he doesn't have the same timeline as you? Is a baby more important than him?