Predicament...Should I stay or should I go??...

Mardz

Hi everyone! So to give a quick background on my circumstances; I am a 26 year old professional working and living in Dublin. To most people, I am a happy, bubbly girl who is very much carefree. Unfortunately, old habits die hard and I am well used to telling everyone I am 'great' when I could be having a bad day. Don't get me wrong, I have good days and know I am very lucky. I have a good job(which I don't particularly enjoy), great family, nice housemates and friends and an active social life. Yet internally, I have struggled over the last ten years. In Secondary school, I was bullied and became very self conscious and struggled to concentrate on the work. My Mother thought I was going through the terrible teens as I was moody and hated school, yet had I understood at the time I experienced bouts of depression and anxiety. I scraped by on an average Leaving Certificate, not bad considering I didn't work as everyone reminded me. I was a very lost and confused 18 year old and headed off to college to do Arts. I chose my subjects and remember feeling excited as I always had an interest in pyschology. My Mother was unsure of my choices and recommended my Uncle give me advice. I went from picking Psychology and History to suddenly deciding to take Spanish and IT. I fully agree it was my decision at the time but I wish I had just trusted my own mind. The constant self doubt part of me has allowed my decisions to be made by other people. I only blame myself as you are the owner of your own destiny after all. So as you can see, the subject choices were abstract. The IT didn't turn out to be an ECDL course, rather the inside parts of a computer. I was lost and didn't know what I was doing. I could talk about feeling lost in such a large college, losing my way around college, experiencing times of real panic as I realised I was sinking instead enjoying the college experience. I dropped out after 3 months and arrived home to my parents. I tried college again two years later and it was by far a more difficult experience. I had gone back home, worked in Bank of Ireland and saved to return as I felt I had unfinished business. This time round, the anxiety had taken hold and even before I entered the course I had daily panic attacks. I was freaking out and felt very over whelmed. Nonetheless, I went for it and tried to do it. However, I was shaky, lacked concentration, and was very lost again. This was the first time I stopped and went 'Hold on, there is something off here'. I went in search of answers. My first port of call was the local gp and I tried explaining that I felt sad sometimes and things often got on top of me. I was not able to express what I was really feeling. Unlike a physical illness, the scar was not evident but I was screaming inside. Funnily enough, there were physical symptoms as I felt heavy and sad walking around and I have probably felt like that for a long time(just a little). I also called to the college counsellor who told me he could fit me in 'maybe in two weeks'. When you go to someone for help feeling as bad as I did, I needed even a chat at that time. I filled out a form, answered standard questions and left feeling like more of an alien than I did when I called in. So moral of the story, I dropped out the day after with a heavy heart and feeling as lost as ever. There is no doubt that I have had dark moments and I won't go into the nitty gritty as they say. It has however involved a trip to A&E and a stint in a psychiatric hospital. Anyway, it's not all sad and no pun intended 'depressing'. I have always gotten on with it. I got a job in the bank and moved to Dublin three years ago. There have been good days and I have worked hard to stay well. This has meant me taking up exercise and I am now very fit, no alcohol, good diet and proper medication and follow ups with my doctor. So fast forward to today. I am in my current job for two years and to be honest it has been a tough ride. It is a job I can do, which I am good at but I have been very restless. Part of me knows that restlessness will always be with me as a sufferer of an anxiety disorder....it's very common and I also have a frustrated ambition to go to college and finish it. The college thing for me is a tough subject. A lot of people have seen me drop out and obviously have little faith or doubts about me actually doing it. I would however mention that I have dropped out of college both times as a result of my anxiety and this is something which I didn't understand or able to control at the time. The other part of me puts her hands up and accepts I have a well paid job and I should stay in it. However, I feel in my heart of hearts I could be happier, even just to feel content in myself would be a bonus. I work in an office and this work does not suit me. It's a very busy, pressurised job and I'd be better on my feet and working in a smaller more relaxed office if I had to continue the office work. The dream is still there, to find a job/life where I would feel a lil happier and content. That would be great. Mental health is the pain in my side, the thing that has stopped me from doing what I wanted. It is also my excuse to allow failure become acceptable. So I tried to be constructive and handed in my notice in my current job. I am due to start a similar yet less stressful job in the coming weeks. This unleashed a very strange sequence of events. The minute I handed in my notice the relief was huge, the weight reduced. However the realisation that I was moving for a similar job and that I am staying in another office job hit me hard. I started getting bad panic attacks again, and that was two weeks ago. I am home as I write this as this is what I always do; run home for a bit and then rise up again. My question is this peeps.... Should I stay or should I go? Should I stay at home, get illness benefit and sort out this head of mine once and for all. Bear in mind I have never claimed anything and don't do it lightly but I have a gut feeling that I will be glad in ten years that I made the change. I'm not looking at a long term amount of time off but maybe I should take the time to sort this finally(YOLO comes to mind) OR should I take the new job and chance my arm as they say and see if it was just the last job?....Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.