Should I tell him?

Ave Sodalis

Hi,
This is a bit of a silly one compared to some things on here but I would really appreciate advice. Growing up for me was a bit bumpy, I've been through a thing or two, most of which I've bottled. I'm terrible for bottling things, and the more traumatic it is, the more I bottle. I've always been terrible at talking about things and hated admitting anything. I'm incredibly good at pretending everything is okay, so good that now, when things happen, it completely bypasses my consciousness and goes straight to my subconscious so I don't notice whether or not it affects me. However, there were a few cracks starting to show. I'm fairly self aware so I noticed the cracks early on and decided to go to a councillor which was a huge thing for me and because of my strong reluctance to talk about stuff, it's not even getting very far.

However my question is, do I tell my boyfriend? The reason I'm going is mainly so anything that may crop up from the past doesn't affect my relationship. My boyfriend knows very little about whats happened, bar a few things and even them, he doesn't know how it affected me because I automatically, without thinking about it, act as though it doesn't affect me. It even doesn't, on a conscious level. I wasn't planning on telling anyone I was going but pretending to go to class at that time will only work until he mentions it to one of my friends from my course and realizes that I don't have a class then and given the frequency him and my friends are in contact, I don't see that lasting too long. Also, if I have a particularly difficult session at some stage and feel off for the day, he's going to wonder what's wrong.
I would feel very uncomfortable telling him, but at the same time, I don't want him to feel as though I am lying to him or that I don't trust him. I do, I recognise that it's entirely my issues preventing me from wanting to tell people. So can I keep this to myself or does he have a right to know? I know this is a really silly question but I just haven't got the answer right now.

keane2097

How long are ye going out?

Ave Sodalis

keane2097 wrote: »

How long are ye going out?

Nearly a year

Buona Fortuna

I'd say yes tell him.

If as you say you have a difficult session and you are a little off - it would be nicer to know beforehand and maybe be a little prepared.

Do you think he will take it well?

Are there things that you are not ready / dont want to tell him?

All the best Sup

Ave Sodalis

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

I'd say yes tell him.

If as you say you have a difficult session and you are a little off - it would be nicer to know beforehand and maybe be a little prepared.

Do you think he will take it well?

Are there things that you are not ready / dont want to tell him?

All the best Sup

I don't think he would take it badly. He's very supportive in every other way, like my financial difficulties at the moment. I'm still waiting on a grant for college which should be due any day now but I've to refuse money from him on a daily basis because I know he wouldn't want me to pay him back. So I'm fairly confident he will take it well.

There's a lot of things that I don't feel ready to tell anyone, not him specifically as such. It's incredibly difficult for me to talk but I will make myself if it's the right thing to do, I just feel horrid after admitting something about myself to people.

Thank you

bee06

You could tell him you are going to counselling to deal with things that you aren't ready to talk to him about yet but hopefully you will be at some stage.

If he's a good guy he'll respect this.

Buona Fortuna

So would he accept a curtailed version?

Can you say I'm telling you X, but I don't want to go into Y and Z right now, maybe some day. Will he accept that?

Otherwise I don't think there's a downside to telling him.

Good Luck

Edit: Sorry croosed with Bee's post

Hannibal Smith

Id say do what's more comfortable for you. If you want to tell him do but dont feel like you have to.

Like you say you're Fairly self aware and seem quite responsible in looking for help when you need it so its not as if you're bottling things up and your relationship is suffering because of it.

There's no pressure or law that says you have to disclose what happened on your past. ..so in your own time, if you're ready maybe then do it?

westernlad4x

OP - I am in a situation where my DW of 15+ years may have bottled up something and if so it is causing strains on our relationship since about 2-3 yrs into the marriage.
Obviously I have some hunches that there may be something and it is based on what could be hints but may not be.
All I can say is that it would seem that as time goes on it must be increasingly difficult for my DW to say anything.
Interestingly, recently a TV trailer came on while we were at home one evening and there was some tagline like "a long held secret will, in time come to explode".
My OH actually parrotted it back and said "that is so true... "
Since we have grown up kids who were in the room I couldn't say anything and I feel tongue tied about asking (in case I am wide of the mark).

I am not sure if that perspective helps but I do think you are very brave and going to counselling sounds like a very good thing to do.
In my case (and I still don't know *if* anything happened) I would have much preferred if my OH had told me even in small steps earlier in our relationship as perhaps less misunderstandings may have happened.

tinz18

I was in the same situation OP. In my case, my boyfriend was aware I had a rough year before we started dating as I had used it as a pushing-away mechanism. I told him that I was going to counselling because I was worried that cracks would show again so i had decided to get in there before they surfaced. You don't need to elaborate anything else- most people understand counselling is private.
I did add that it had nothing to do with him, that I loved him and that he was probably the reason the cracks stayed hidden so long because he treated me so well...he was happy with that and there was no more made of it.

padser

It's just a personal opinion and others may feel differently but I'd expect to be told if a long term GF was seeing a shrink.

Obviously people are entitled to a level of privacy within a relationship but as the other half I'd feel that there was a realisably high level of deceit going on if my partner was doing this and I didn't know about it.

But, as with everything it depends on the type of relationship you have, some relationships are a lot less "open" and hence a lot more private than others. Only you can judge where your relationship falls on that scale

amdublin

I think Bee06 has summed up perfectly some good advice

westernlad4x wrote: »

OP - I am in a situation where my DW of 15+ years may have bottled up something and if so it is causing strains on our relationship since about 2-3 yrs into the marriage.
Obviously I have some hunches that there may be something and it is based on what could be hints but may not be.
All I can say is that it would seem that as time goes on it must be increasingly difficult for my DW to say anything.
Interestingly, recently a TV trailer came on while we were at home one evening and there was some tagline like "a long held secret will, in time .....

What's a DW???

tinz18

I guessed it was "Dear Wife"? May be wrong!

Lalealynn

If you feel you can trust him to keep it completely confidential and he is able to deal with it and won't feel burdened etc. I can't stress the confidentiality thing enough. People don't mean to but they let things slip and sometimes to the wrong people and it hurts.

I don't think you have to tell him but if you want to then I guess it's up to you. I am possibly more cagey than most though.