College work, family work, and grief

My dad passed on August 30th, he was ill but the end was very quick. He was mowing the lawn on his prized new ride on mower when he hurt his back, when into the hospital for scans, they discussed another round of chemo, then said it was hospice or home care. He died within four days.

I started college a week later and didn't really make it known. But I have to spend a lot of time helping my mother out with her legal stuff, and just plain being with her. I am getting worn out. Travel too, up and down from hers to mine, and my social life is over, every second spent travelling, studying, or sleeping.

It's six weeks now and I feel I'm about to break down and burn out.

Does anyone have any advice how to approach my tutors without looking like I expect special favours for what is after all a very normal berevemant? No one really bats an eyelid when you lose a parent, and I don't expect them to. But it's tough work and I am exhausted. I can't even eat or sleep properly.

HelgaWard

Starting college is a difficult time for a lot of people, check out Personal Issues and you'll see numerous posts from new students finding it difficult to settle into a new phase in their life. You'll will also find numerous posts of people struggling following the loss of a parent. Unfortunately you have had to cope with both of these things at once. This would be difficult for anyone to deal with. I am sorry for your loss. All I can say is don't be hard on yourself, don't criticise yourself, you are doing the best you can, coping the best way you can. It sounds like you are being of great assistance to your mother, you should be proud of that fact. I would say talking to your college might be a good idea, maybe there is a student welfare officer in the Student Union who might be able to advise you. In the meantime take care of yourself, get as much rest as you can, don't introduce any extra stress to your life, eat well and stay active.
Wishing you all the best.

greengirl31

I’m sorry for your loss OP … Loosing a parent is very traumatic and everyone deals with grief differently. You don’t say what age you are but I’ll assume if you’ve just started college you’re late teens early 20’s so perhaps not many of your friends have experianced this which might lead you to think that they don’t bat an eyelid … I’d say it’s more that they have no idea what to say to you so try to get support from them if you can.

In terms of college, speak to your course co-ordinator … they have loads of experiances of how to help students in different situations … They will give you advice on how to deal with your deadlines and how not to fall behind …. your college may even have a councelling service you can tap into. Let people help you because if you’re only starting, if fall behind it will seem to hard to catch up.

In relation to your mum, is there any other family that can pop in to visit … You should encourage your mum to try to get out and about again…. To see her friends and try to get some sort of routine back in her life… In the gentlest way possible, try to explain that you have a lot of deadlines to keep and you won’t be able to pop round till the weekend (or whenever). But look after yourself … Try to get more rest and a little fresh air and exercise and go easy on yourself – there’s only so much one person can do – let people help:-)

kerry4sam

Deleted User wrote: »

My dad passed on August 30th, he was ill but the end was very quick. He was mowing the lawn on his prized new ride on mower when he hurt his back, when into the hospital for scans, they discussed another round of chemo, then said it was hospice or home care. He died within four days.

I started college a week later and didn't really make it known. But I have to spend a lot of time helping my mother out with her legal stuff, and just plain being with her. I am getting worn out. Travel too, up and down from hers to mine, and my social life is over, every second spent travelling, studying, or sleeping.

It's six weeks now and I feel I'm about to break down and burn out.

Does anyone have any advice how to approach my tutors without looking like I expect special favours for what is after all a very normal berevemant? No one really bats an eyelid when you lose a parent, and I don't expect them to. But it's tough work and I am exhausted. I can't even eat or sleep properly.

Ah I am sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. My own Late Loving Dad passed away on December 20th just gone and it still hurts like hell some days. Just take every passing day as best you can.

You should arrange a meeting with one main tutor and explain to them, maybe in more detail, what you've said in your opening post here. I can assure you that people truly do care when you lose a loved parent. You see kindness and warmth in people you even least expect.
Explain to them; and follow their guidance from there. You both will arrange a plan and that's what I think you need right now - a plan and some guidance.

You're one step ahead of where I was at that point in that you're seeking assistance. My mind went-90; thinking of everything and everyone and never thought of myself. I went back into my full-time work after 11-days and ploughed on full-time til Sept just gone when I took about 12-consecutive-days that were more needed that I actually knew. Huge Well Done to you there

Try and think of it this way:
24hours in any day
give yourself 5+hours sleep => 19-hours left

That's min of 19-hours in a day to assist your mom; some you-time; time to re-focus your mind on your studies that WILL be easier when you formulate a plan with assistance from your tutor; maybe another hr or two where you just feel like you need to close your eyes and rest them, but not sleep - processing time perhaps?!

It's about time-management. You're still at very early stages of bereavement. I can't tell you go easy on yourself as I never gave myself a break for over 9-months assisting and thinking of others.

~ Keep your chin up.
~ Keep your mind focused.
~ Stay strong. You don't realise how people rely on your strength eventhough you're hurting beyond words.
~ Formulate a study/lecture-plan with your main tutor and ask them to pass onto your others perhaps? Doubt you have the time to speak with all. You might need assistance with that.
~ People truly do care that you've lost a loved one. I've people angry with me as I never told them, but I couldn't deal with what I'm dealing with now had they all known.

Hope you can take something positive from the above
Let me know if you need assistance/feel I could help with anything,

Thinking of you,
kerry4sam

Hey guys, thanks for the support. I realised after missing a whole week of college that I am physically burned out, between things in my own home, things in my parents' home, travelling, trying to keep up with my friends too (I am determined to keep my social life despite everything). I'm actually a mature student, I'm 33 - which is possibly why people think "So what? You're in your 30s. Everyone loses parents". I feel I should be adopting the same attitude and in a way I am - but being so physically and mentally worn out, haven't even had time to sit down and deal with it.

Unfortunately my course coordinator is not approachable at all. I think I may approach one of my tutors and hope that word sort of filters through. I am falling behind massively, but at the same time, I can't really tell my mother that I have other things to be doing.

But I need my social life, even if it's only one night every month, I have to hang out with my friends and just let everything go.

It's difficult, because I have been told by some people "You're in your 30s, losing a parent is something everyone deals with" - true, but right now, quite unhelpful. I don't want to look for sympathy or special favour, I just need people to understand that perhaps I'm not functioning at full throttle.

Thank you all of you for your support.

kerry4sam

Deleted User wrote: »

Hey guys, thanks for the support. I realised after missing a whole week of college that I am physically burned out, between things in my own home, things in my parents' home, travelling, trying to keep up with my friends too (I am determined to keep my social life despite everything). I'm actually a mature student, I'm 33 - which is possibly why people think "So what? You're in your 30s. Everyone loses parents". I feel I should be adopting the same attitude and in a way I am - but being so physically and mentally worn out, haven't even had time to sit down and deal with it.

Unfortunately my course coordinator is not approachable at all. I think I may approach one of my tutors and hope that word sort of filters through. I am falling behind massively, but at the same time, I can't really tell my mother that I have other things to be doing.

But I need my social life, even if it's only one night every month, I have to hang out with my friends and just let everything go.

It's difficult, because I have been told by some people "You're in your 30s, losing a parent is something everyone deals with" - true, but right now, quite unhelpful. I don't want to look for sympathy or special favour, I just need people to understand that perhaps I'm not functioning at full throttle.

Thank you all of you for your support.

Lovin' your signature

Loosing a parent at any age is seriously difficult to take. Anyone could understand that if they wanted to. Some people can be pure and simple, simpletons & hurtful while you're grieving! Best give those a wide berth when you can, for your own sake.
Your age is not the issue here, it's finding a way to cope and manage everything that needs managing. Just when you think you're on top of everything, you're thrown a curve-ball. It happens people of that ages.

You need to speak with someone from your college ASAP! Needless to say. You need to inform them of the work you need to catch up on & now focus on and you could well end up studying through some nights to put some extra work in. Otherwise you could well end up falling too far behind, it'd just be far too difficult to catch up, and you'd be looking at postponing. Is that something you would consider? Would that be something you could ? It might 'buy' you some much needed breathing space for a short while - postponing.
Someone from your class might send you on notes that you could be working on, so next year then you'd almost be ahead of the others just starting.

Just another suggestion,

Anywhoo, "One by one the penguins steal my sanity" , is there a story behind that
Thanks,
kerry4sam

Diane Selwyn

Really sorry for your loss OP. I note that you refer to it as 'a very normal bereavement' in a way that makes me wonder if you are trying to dismiss your own grief a bit - perhaps keeping yourself so busy might be preventing you from confronting your feelings? I don't know if there is actually such a thing as a 'normal' experience of losing a loved one as we all have different relationships with our mothers/fathers/siblings/grandparents and etc. In any case there are going to be very few more stressful experiences in your life and you should absolutely be entitled to special consideration from your tutors - anyone who has experienced grief knows how it can affect your ability to focus or concentrate. Maybe you should try speaking to the college counsellor for advice on how to approach your tutor?

Tramps Like Us

Go see your Student Union Welfare officer.

Just want to say thanks everyone, and I will come back and reply when I have the energy, threw myself into asignments these last two weeks, burning midnight oil, but they are actually being done.

Btw I'm in a plc college (if they're still called that) - not a "real" university or college. I tend to find these places struggle to organise p*ss-ups in breweries. But I have a meeting with my head of course tomorrow, and hopefully eventually the guidance officer, who in my previous experience tend to be well appointed people.

kerry4sam

Deleted User wrote: »

Just want to say thanks everyone, and I will come back and reply when I have the energy, threw myself into asignments these last two weeks, burning midnight oil, but they are actually being done.

Btw I'm in a plc college (if they're still called that) - not a "real" university or college. I tend to find these places struggle to organise p*ss-ups in breweries. But I have a meeting with my head of course tomorrow, and hopefully eventually the guidance officer, who in my previous experience tend to be well appointed people.

Hope the meeting went okay for you