Swimming (A Poem) - feedback appreciated

Eartha Braveheart

And so from the heights of a top bunk
We plunged
Into the wet depths of a deep blue sea

As children we couldn't have understood that no lifeboats would come
That one would swim ashore, while the other threaded water endlessly
Incapable of forgetting the coloured fish and dizzying euphoric rush of salt on wet skin

Mermaids they were
Half legged and half other that no one else could understand

Yet you walked ashore and resigned me to a life as a whale

Coming back on occasional twilight eves
To swim with me in the moonlight
To dance under the waves

Water pounding against our eardrums
Eyes flooding with burning confusion
And yet it's calm

DRUM DRUM DRUM
and what is that whoosh and crash
The rushing promise of you coming home...

It's gone forever.

You crash upon that shore
Green blue turns to white
And I sing this lonely whale song

Having become woman you can't possibly understand.

So I wait.

To be harpooned,
Or to drown, to die.

floutingmaxims

Ok sure, I'll have a go :pac:

In the third line, I would say to leave out the word 'wet'. It is needless, that the sea is wet really goes without saying. It doesnt do anything for the poem rhythmically either. Its better without it. [Unless, you know, it's all metaphorical in which case I suppose it's grand ;-)]

You tread water, you don't thread it

Coming back on occasional twilight eves
To swim with me in the moonlight
To dance under the waves

Water pounding against our eardrums
Eyes flooding with burning confusion
And yet it's calm

DRUM DRUM DRUM
and what is that whoosh and crash
The rushing promise of you coming home...

It's gone forever.

^^ Those are my favourite stanzas.

Just one question. Why a whale?

Eartha Braveheart

Thanks for the feedback.

Yeah the wet was metaphorical but I note your point about rhythm and flow - I'll consider removing it.

As for the whale, it's a poem about loneliness and abandonment. And what I was envisioning was this great old blue whale who should be powerful and strong but who really just has this sea all to himself and is so isolated and tired.

Lalealea

A whale doesn't really convey loneliness to me.

How about you bring in other aspects of the sea. The lonesome fisherman or a mariner alone with his stories the tavern, dried up salty and talking in his own mind.

But I really like it.

I like the way you emphasize rhythm.

Well done! :-)

Just Janice

Good for you Eartha.
Keep at it