Sociopathic Behaviour

LegacyUser

Hey,

All people are unique and a beautiful veneer covers what goes on beneath.

People who don't know me well think I'm honorable, quiet or fun depending on the occasion. People who know me find me very distant, but again think I'm funny, clever and decent company from time to time. The truth is I have an extreme dislike of closeness to anyone and will not allow it. Dating is just a game for me, nothing to do with building future relationships, I know I've hurt quite a few people and just let it happen much longer than it needs to.

I have a fairly healthy social circle (I'm a mid twenties guy), will go out for drinks on average almost every week with a different group of friends or on a date, however I'm willingly not close to any of these people, but I enjoy a laugh with them and also enjoy looking at the social dynamics of whats going on.

I exercise regularly and am an obscenely health conscious individual. Very successful academically and career-wise. Mentally I am quite stable and have never been on mind-altering substances.

I believe the reason I don't allow or invite closeness with anyone is due to upbringing. I was the youngest by my parents and siblings were very cold people physically and emotionally. I do not have a real relationship with my siblings or father now, I will occasionally respond to my mothers attempts to contact me. This part really worries me, I have always been like this and this could cause major problems in later life.

I believe the lack of desire for a relationship but willingness to lead girls on repeatedly without remorse stems from the first girl I seriously dated after college. I was such a nice guy, would have loved a close relationship. She more or less ****ed me over, out of nowhere told me she cheated repeatedly and was just a very sexual person so nonchalantly, we tried being friends (I really loved her) and she was so disrespectful and treated me like ****. Fortunately I escaped that quickly. Looking back she played games all the time, particularly at the start of the relationship and I know this is where it started. What has made it worse is that these sort of games work. I have become what she was, and done to others what she did to me and it seems to only be getting worse. I've developed an enormous distrust of girls and am unwilling to get emotionally close which naturally had already been difficult for me. The upside is that I find my dating life much better, which I know is kind of sick.

I would like to be able to develop normal, healthy relationships and I am currently heading in the complete opposite direction, while this is fun right now I know it is not a long term strategy. What can I do to change this?

Thanks.

LegacyUser

I am in a similar position. I have lots of friends but most of them I'm not very close to. In fact a lot of the time I have contempt for them. They get on my nerves and I feel like I would be better off without them, then I remember without them I would probably be very lonely.

I also have a very low opinion of women, likely stemming from my teenage years. Thing is even though I can be very cold, I can also be very charming. As a result I regularly attract women but the only part of the process I enjoy is the seduction, its gives me a rush. Afterwards I feel nothing for these women.

I know I am messed up and will probably consider therapy as I get older.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

tinz18

Have you tried cognitive behavior therapy OP? It sounds like you're willing to do anything to function a bit better- it may help you! I grew up in a similar family and it left me with emotional issues that therapy was able to deal with and now I'd consider myself semi-functional.

unintentional_sociopath_06/10/14 wrote: »

I believe the lack of desire for a relationship but willingness to lead girls on repeatedly without remorse stems from the first girl I seriously dated after college. I was such a nice guy, would have loved a close relationship. She more or less ****ed me over, out of nowhere told me she cheated repeatedly and was just a very sexual person so nonchalantly, we tried being friends (I really loved her) and she was so disrespectful and treated me like ****. Fortunately I escaped that quickly. Looking back she played games all the time, particularly at the start of the relationship and I know this is where it started. What has made it worse is that these sort of games work. I have become what she was, and done to others what she did to me and it seems to only be getting worse. I've developed an enormous distrust of girls and am unwilling to get emotionally close which naturally had already been difficult for me. The upside is that I find my dating life much better, which I know is kind of sick.

This really needs to be addressed- I've been on the receiving end of behavior like this and the damage it can cause especially with vulnerable people. I remember feeling helpless, hopeless and like I was nothing because I couldn't figure out what I had done to deserve to be treated so badly- it actually led a breakdown. There's no excuse for treating girls (or guys) like crap because of another girls/guys' past actions- it can create a perpetuating loop where the innocent goes on and treats another guy badly and on and on it goes.

Could you opt to stay away from girls for a while until you get yourself sorted? The fact you acknowledge that its bad behavior suggests that you should be able to exercise some self-control in this area.

Lalealynn

I think there is a partial genetic component. You don't empathize or feel compassion sociopaths lack the full range of emotions. Remove all emotions from human interaction what does it become about? Winning or gaming that's what. That's why you feel nothing after you have won. You don't really understand people you understand dynamics and that is very different.

The thing is you might not actually be built for them. You are able to easily hurt people without remorse it's not a good sign. The kindest things might be to keep to yourself until you get sorted.

I have encountered a few people like you and been on dates with them. It's a very dull grey inner world. I think it's why they need the entertainment of others emotions they don't really feel things deeply and so a lot of stimulus is needed. And usually when you try to get away from these people they need to have one last (or many) vindictive digs.

It does not stem from an experience but rather your brains inability to make the correct hormones that create feeling and recognize feelings in others and create feelings that either mirror or empathize with them. It's like the urge to smile back at a baby because it's so cute. You are not like that. I really think it's innate. Most agree the prognosis is not good. Cognitive therapy has been suggested. I really think opening up honestly to a professional would be best and let them suggest where you go.

I agree with the idea for therapy. More for your own self nurturing rather than relationships. Life can be very fulfilling without relationships and if you lack empathy it's possibly best for others if you don't enter into one. Life can be fullfilling but you are missing out unless you allow the color of feeling in. It will get very monotonous. I notice with people like this they tend to make the same mistakes over and over without learning. They never develop anything but a surface understanding of people. As if people where automatons to play with.


I think you need to feel trust again. That's hard. Also letting it go and not feeling so it so hard if you do get hurt. Learning to forgive. Trust means having a beautiful image in your mind of what the world looks like. It means believing in the beauty of life. And forgiving the faults you see. It's tough if you have been hurt. But learning generosity of spirit is a worthwhile thing. Your own experience as a person will be much more joyous.



Forgiving the ones who hurt you sets you free. Otherwise you give them too much importance.

Would you like that girl to know that she shaped you and had this much power to make you become this? If she was who she was I think she would only be smug. The best revenge is to be kind and not become bitter. She probably wanted that so she could ruin you and your potential joy. Joy not in relationships but in simply feeling and being. Don't give her that victory.

I wish you much happiness and I hope you learn to nurture yourself better and be kinder to you and others.

And also yourself. It can't be nice to have this knowledge of yourself. But well done for admitting it.

May you know and enjoy what it is like to love someone selflessly. I truly wish you that. If more people like you wanted to change the world would be a much more beautiful place :-)

Lalealynn

By the way OP I just wanted to add it was very wrong of that girl to do that to you and you have the right to feel injury but not the right to inflict the same. I am sorry it happened to you but I am also sorry at what you are doing now. I think in a way you need to forgive yourself for letting your guard down the first time. It was not your fault then and you had a right to trust her. These things happen. Forgive yourself for trusting her and realize you can't protect yourself not even if you lose yourself to the shape she carved out of you. To continue the pattern is really to praise the type of suffering she did on you. And you deserve to be your own champion and defender. Stand up and say what she did was wrong by pointing out how humans SHOULD treat one another by being kind. Show her your disgust at her by being her opposite and remedy. Win and beat her that way. And just remember most of us people are really just nice. :-)

...__...

God I could have wrote that about me except i did push my friends away im early 30's now and almost desperate for a relationship of some kind to stem the lonliness, I did have an affair with a married woman treated her like crap at the start then wanted her to be with me but then she changed didnt want to leave her husband out of fear for the future was in contact with other guys etc etc there is countless other issues but basically i have been cheated on a number of times to the point where Im paranoid now about the next girl.

dellas1979

I dont think what you describe is sociopathic behaviour. But, correct me if Im wrong, it sounds like youd almost like to display this, rather than face up to what might have happened you.

A sociopath would certainly never post here. Or question, anything, about themselves.

You actively/consciously say "I have an extreme dislike of closeness to anyone and will not allow it" this is not sociopathic. If you were sociopath, you certainly would allow it. You wouldnt even think about "not" allowing it. You show awareness of your situation and who you are now. A sociopath doesnt even know they are sociopath.

From what you have described, it could be like a lot of your behaviour is learned. Deflective. And commitment issues. Maybe due to some sort of trauma(s) - in your childhood/early adulthood.
And it can be changed.

It requires you to, yes, more than likely, see a therapist, to peel back the layers, but it requires you to work at it (if you want to change).

Maybe look into this (before actually believing you are sociopathic).

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

I dont think what you describe is sociopathic behaviour. But, correct me if Im wrong, it sounds like youd almost like to display this, rather than face up to what might have happened you.

A sociopath would certainly never post here. Or question, anything, about themselves.

You actively/consciously say "I have an extreme dislike of closeness to anyone and will not allow it" this is not sociopathic. If you were sociopath, you certainly would allow it. You wouldnt even think about "not" allowing it. You show awareness of your situation and who you are now. A sociopath doesnt even know they are sociopath.

From what you have described, it could be like a lot of your behaviour is learned. Deflective. And commitment issues. Maybe due to some sort of trauma(s) - in your childhood/early adulthood.
And it can be changed.

It requires you to, yes, more than likely, see a therapist, to peel back the layers, but it requires you to work at it (if you want to change).

Maybe look into this (before actually believing you are sociopathic).

OP here. I'm on the phone so apologies if this laid out weirdly. I don't believe I am a sociopath, in fact I know I'm not as I had been a sensitive guy in the past. The fact i was sensitive and had my trust taken advantage by people i cared for probably caused the problems i have now. I do not believe it has any genetic component, for me anyway, as another user had said.

It's the best word I can use to describe these two behaviours. Which I agree are subconsciously learned.

I did try therapy for almost a year when I was in my early twenties to deal with my issues with distance. I don't think it had much impact and was quite costly.

dellas1979

unintentional_sociopath wrote: »

I did try therapy for almost a year when I was in my early twenties to deal with my issues with distance. I don't think it had much impact and was quite costly.

Well, you are also older now. So, maybe its worth trying again. But youll never know unless you try.

I think its a good sign already that you are aware of what is going on with you (I bet youve been very aware since you were a child). Not an understanding, but an awareness.

Self awareness usually comes with being sensitive also. Especially to trust and respect. A genuinely, kind gentle spirit, thats gotton mixed up along the way. Usually because the signals are mixed (I am/was good, so everyone else must be too-and, unfortunately, a lot of people are not).

Broken trust and respect can impact hugely. Some people cope by being "Feck this" and move on. Off they go again. Others not as easy. To cope, its internalized. And it manifests in "I cant trust/respect others" = literally feeling cold.

You got to change the idea of yourself first. (If you look internally) your perception of yourself.

tinz18

Therapy varies for everyone. My advice would be to not settle on who's nearest/cheapest but someone you actually click with- someone you can trust and who you'll value their opinion. For me that person would be 5-10 years older than me and female- the big sister type. Everyone has their own ideal- my friends therapist is the motherly type. For another male friend it was a lad a few years older than him. If you get the right therapist it can work wonders, the wrong one can set you back worse- especially when you have trust issues. Also if you are in Dublin or Galway, there's the Tivoli Institute that offer a reduced rate of counselling depending on your income. I went in Galway and by far they helped me through the bulk of my problems.

Lalealynn

I agree with Tinz you need to find a therapist right for you and keep doing the work until you find one. Also part of this is learning to understand that YOU did nothing wrong. You were not to blame for what happened to you it was misfortune. And there was nothing you could do to prevent it and and now you must not hold yourself responsible by trying to be 'hard'. It's pointless. It's almost punishing yourself for being sensitive. Nurture yourself and realize you are stronger than you think. Of course you must never allow people to abuse you or leech from you. I can understand the ambivalence.

Also beware of people (girls) who claim that they are the balm to your wound. The answer is not in a woman it's IN YOU. IT'S ALL IN YOU. If you can't find it within you, you will never find it in a relationship. Many girls/guys out there try to pose as the savior maybe even genuinely. Hoping you meet a nice girl who will change your mind etc. The amazing dream girl. Well she is out there. But you are the balm for yourself. The nice girl will be humble enough to be honest and say 'I am not the answer to you, you are the answer to you'. Real love is not 'look how amazingly nice I am look what a special person I am, it's I see something special in you do you see that in you?'

You say you were sensitive before. Be true to you. You could go to a therapist but how can they restore you to yourself not knowing what your true self is.

It sounds like you are struggling between two parts of yourself. You will work it out. Don't do it for anyone but you. It sounds like you are an accomplished person.

Become reacquainted with your sense of self and your soul. :-) I know it's very beautiful.

eviltwin

You can't use this one woman as an excuse to treat all women you encounter like crap OP, you know its wrong, you probably know on some level its doing you harm so you know what you need to do, get help, talk to someone and sort it out.

My own family background is quite similar, a very cold parent who has refused to talk to me for years. Its not easy but you can't let the past continue to drain you. You couldn't control your parents attitude to you or this girls behaviour but you can control how its impacting on your life.

I hope you do make the effort to find a therapist. What you are doing makes you just as bad as the women who mistreated you. Break the cycle. Good luck OP.

CaraMay

The girl who treated you like crap is still winning because you are still dancing like a puppet to her tune. You may not be in contact with her but you are still behaving as you do under her influence. Toying with people like you do is plain nasty and you have only yourself to blame. Grown adults take responsibility for their behaviour and don't use the blame game but then again you are so clever you must know this, right?

Lalealynn

Hi OP,

I had some thoughts about your original post and it’s all been percolating until I reached a sort of Copernican turn or revolution. I really think we have been focusing on entirely the wrong thing well not entirely but partially. You mentioned an ex being the provocation for some undesirable behaviours on your part. But earlier you mentioned your familial ties being not as supportive as perhaps you might have needed particularly at a time of relationship strife. And I wondered could this actually be the bigger source of your distress.

You say that your family may not have been as warm or affectionate as you might have needed or at least that there is some distance there. And I thought that sometimes when there is a wound that goes unnamed during childhood it is added to something in adulthood that we can name. Perhaps if you had a great support network of emotionally intelligent people with a natural knack for being warm and empathic around you during the bad relationship it would have been of some comfort and not have taken the toll it did. And perhaps if they had seen you acting out as you had they would have been able to correct you gently with love.

I know you say only your mother contacts you. I wonder if actually what might be best for your long-term happiness is to build a better connection with family and ask them for the support that they owe you. You are their kin. Perhaps they don’t know how to do this. But I really feel the unresolved situation is actually a potential for a lot of emotional reserves for you. They say family is the crowd last to leave etc etc. Well you did not have that support when you went through that ex scenario. If you had that love and beauty in your life perhaps it would not have made you as vindictive as it did. I really feel the future for you is a happy one. I can see though certain patterns of behaviour are a self replicating virus. The ex passes it on to you. But also the family atmosphere of not knowing how to build an emotionally sustaining home is also passed on through you. And you know perhaps they got it from your grandparents. I was once told by a wise lady that you have seven generations of your family sometimes to heal. That work is imperative. Seek out good people that you like trust and love and build healthy relationships. And there is really a deep desire for this in you I think. But partially a lot of it is a deep desire for connection with family.

You see it’s all too easy to say ....simply be nice to women etc etc etc but that is not the bulk of what is best for you. You require emotional sustenance and healing. And part of that I assume you deep down seek from family. And I think if that is answered you will be happier.

Perhaps write a letter or an email ...it can be as emotional or not ...saying you love them and require support and perhaps the relationship is colder than you had wished. I understand emotional outpourings can be tiring and difficult for some people. So you can also tell them that although this is a process you don’t really want too much fuss about it. But you are just checking in. Break into this slowly if you are new to it ;-)

I think if you have a happy circle of love around you it will help. I think we and perhaps you are focusing too much on relationships and women for your happiness. Infact the whole revenge thing kind of proves this. Revenge will not heal.

If you in the coming years choose to have your own children I am sure you don’t want to make the same mistakes that your parents made and be the worst of them. Be the BEST of them. :-) And create a new cycle of love. Find people who embody that.

Stop absorbing the worst of people. Learn wisdom not bitterness. And I know its easy to say and hard to do and none get it perfect. I am certainly far from perfect.

I think I will leave you with this. The ex I bet a part of you wants her to say sorry etc....and I think you should know the better higher part of her does probably feel sorry. I think anyway. And I think you may know perhaps there was an ex for her or she had some issues etc. This does not excuse her behaviour. But you too demonstrated her behaviour and perhaps you can empathize. It’s not acceptable what she did to you. And what you have done is not either.

I have had terrible experiences but it’s not fuelled me to hurt others. The great thing is you can choose to change any moment. It will be hard and difficult to unlearn things and learn new things but I hope you can and it will make you so much happier.

I don’t know if you will think any of this helps but it’s well meant. All of this waiting for a sweet girl to ease it all , well it’s sort of a love story but i think what I have written is a higher sort of love. Or I have tried to bring it from a higher place.

The higher part of the ex is sorry. As I know you must be remorseful too. I know you have not written that. And in fact there seems to be little remorse for the women you mocked. But I will trust and hope that you do feel that and empathize with them. And I know they will forgive you. I hope you can accept their forgiveness that perhaps is the most difficult part for you. Because its hurtful to sensitive people to realize that they have hurt others and they care. Anyway you are not a very bad person at all. I don’t think so.

And yes there are nice girls out there. They can’t prove women are this or that....some women are nasty. Meh...some men are too and you were one of them in a tiny way for a while. You can in acknowledging your faults understand the weakness of others. And in forgiving others forgive yourself. The ex parents etc they are just mortal ...like you ...but now you have a choice about which way you want to go. And you will make mistakes we all do . HUGS

Dunno where all this mushy stuff came from but there you hope it helps :-)

And of course when you are ready you will find love. :-) And you will be ready to create a new cycle. It might be weird especially if you are used to a colder or more sedate environment you might feel out of your comfort zone or like an alien in warmer climates but you will find your circle :-)
Love and light,
Lalealynn. :-)

tinz18

Hi Lalealynn,
While I agree with most of what you said, there's a flipside to that coin. In my situation, when breaking up with my super-manipulative mind-messing ex I received the buck up and tough love type of support (i.e. no support) from my family- in the same time my longtime friends pulled a disappearing act and the sole person I had to talk to was a friend I met here on boards. As a result when I went to therapy I was told to cut my family and my old friends off temporarily to build myself up alone- it worked and since then things have changed within my family dynamic too. While it does help to have a supportive family, in the end we only have ourselves to rely on and we need to be happy alone and in our own skins before we can have a meaningful relationship with anyone else. I know plenty of people with close families who exhibit the same behavior as the OP (my ex being one of them).