Feeling vulnerable

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Looking for some guidance here! I'm mid twenties, and started seeing a lovely guy a couple of months ago. Still very new. I've never been in a relationship before, or even dated someone for this long. I'm a really sociable friendly girl, have my own interests, an amazing job and I guess for years it just hasn't been a priority. (That's my 'I'm not a weirdo just because I haven't been in a relationship' speech!)

Things have been moving pretty slowly, in part down to me being on holidays for a few weeks, and weekends etc. away with the girls. As the title suggests, I'm struggling at the moment with feeling really vulnerable. I really like this guy, and he's possibly the most genuine guy I've met in a long time. It's the first time I've ever felt that there's no game playing going on. Having said that, I think I'm inclined to over-analyse his texts, or the gaps between texts (!), or the space of time between dates. This is nothing that I'd express to him because I do recognise that it's likely just me freaking out. But I'm getting tired of feeling this way.

I think part of it comes from past experience with guys who will just disappear out of nowhere, though again I've never gone this far or felt this sure of someone. And I think a huge part of it is the fear of how upset I'll be if it ends. I had huge self-confidence issues in my late teens and very early twenties, though you'd only know if you were close to me. I had my problems with depression and anxiety. But in the last two years I'm happier than I've ever been, actually loving life - without needing anyone. I'm so scared of giving up that independence and making myself vulnerable.

If I feel at all insecure I end up ignoring his texts for a few hours or pulling back in some way. I hate that I do it because I don't want to be the one playing games, but I'm scared and I guess I feel I'm protecting myself. None of this is helped by the fact that despite how great he is, I think he's pretty laid back and will think nothing of not seeing me for over a week (though we're in daily contact), whereas at this stage I feel I'd like to see him at least once in the week.

Any thoughts? Will this just pass or am I likely to be an insecure wreck for all eternity?! (Only somewhat joking!)

Thanks in advance!

LegacyUser

Help_appreciated wrote: »

This is nothing that I'd express to him because I do recognise that it's likely just me freaking out. But I'm getting tired of feeling this way.

This is ALL exactly what you SHOULD express to him. What are you afraid of more - Success or failure? Do you think that telling him how you feel will drive him away? From what you've said, it doesn't seem likely. More likely that it will bring you closer together really. You're entitled to tell him you feel vulnerable. There's two of you now, and to be together successfully you should be honest about when you feel afraid and uncertain. Getting some reassurance won't hurt you, that's for sure....I've been there, and have often started conversations with my fella with "I know I'm being daft and just freaking out a bit, but...."

Tell him all this below. Seriously. It's time for "the relationship talk"!!

I'm struggling at the moment with feeling really vulnerable. I really like this guy, and he's possibly the most genuine guy I've met in a long time. It's the first time I've ever felt that there's no game playing going on. Having said that, I think I'm inclined to over-analyse his texts, or the gaps between texts (!), or the space of time between dates.

I think part of it comes from past experience with guys who will just disappear out of nowhere, though again I've never gone this far or felt this sure of someone. And I think a huge part of it is the fear of how upset I'll be if it ends. I had huge self-confidence issues in my late teens and very early twenties, though you'd only know if you were close to me. I had my problems with depression and anxiety. But in the last two years I'm happier than I've ever been, actually loving life - without needing anyone. I'm so scared of giving up that independence and making myself vulnerable.

If I feel at all insecure I end up ignoring his texts for a few hours or pulling back in some way. I hate that I do it because I don't want to be the one playing games, but I'm scared and I guess I feel I'm protecting myself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your advice sminky, I'm very grateful. I guess I just don't feel we're at that stage yet. And I do realise that in order to get to that point I will need to open up more, but I'm not sure I'm ready. I am scared that saying anything will frighten him off.

gaynorvader

Help_appreciated wrote: »

Thanks for your advice sminky, I'm very grateful. I guess I just don't feel we're at that stage yet. And I do realise that in order to get to that point I will need to open up more, but I'm not sure I'm ready. I am scared that saying anything will frighten him off.

You say there's no game playing going on, but that's exactly what you're doing by hiding the extent of your feelings from him. Either sit back and enjoy a more casual relationship or be prepared to share your feelings with him. If he's as genuine as you say, he's unlikely to bolt. If you're worried it'd be too much for him to handle, try opening up a little bit at a time. It doesn't have to be all at once.

CaraMay

I think it's too soon to have the chat op. I know exactly how you feel as I used to be the same and it's so hard trusting another person with your heart. You have made a success of your life with good friends, job and happiness and that's more than most people achieve in a lifetime. So imagine you fall for him, what's the worst that can happen? Your heart MIGHT get broken for a while - fine but you will still have all the rest!!

Take it slowly with him and enjoy it. Keeping running your life as you are now and he will be a pleasant addition to it but not the be all and end all. Fall in love if that's what you feel but don't run scared from it all. Worst case scenario it doesn't work out but you have a good life already and it will hurt for a while but not forever!!! You've been through worse. Not sure if that makes sense.

Don't let fear ruin the enjoyment.

LegacyUser

OP, you say you've never gone this far or felt this sure about anyone. The equal and opposite reaction to that is that you've never been this vulnerable or felt like you had so much to lose. There will come a time when you have to put yourself on the line, and I can see you recognise this. Question is, if not now, then when? How much more game playing (and Gaynorvador is right) with second guessing his texts/motives for silences/lengths between seeing each other/deliberately trying to "get your own back" by delaying your return texts are you going to do (to yourself..)?

I've been there too. It's a messy feeling, no doubt about it, for someone so independent and strong. But essentially you'll know whether it's right to risk yourself for him - I remember saying to my fella that he was worth the risk of getting hurt over. If it didn't work out, at least I'd tried to make a go of it with someone I knew I wanted and deserved.

The game playing and the over thinking stuff will drive you mental though. Possibly, it's making you feel more vulnerable than you would feel if you were honest and said to him "I'm wrecking my head over you and I'm terrified of messing this up".

Not that I'm saying TELL HIM NOW!! but do recognise that the longer you leave it, the more emotional crap you will have built up in suspense and the more distant you may feel from saying the truth out to him - which is that you're feeling that you are investing (some hopes and fears) in him. No shame in that, even for a big girl like you.

SquareBear7

I've literally just been in an almost identical situation. I drove myself mad for weeks wondering why he was taking longer to text/what he really meant, and over-analysed everything. I was also constantly afraid of it ending.

As has been said already, do try and be honest with the guy - tell him how new the situation is to you. Texting can be terrible too, so try and reach some level that's acceptable to you both. I found that after I had a very casual conversation, I was more aware of what worked for us both. I stopped freaking out as much and just really enjoyed the time we spent together which then lead me to be less insecure when we were apart! Don't forget about your life, friends and hobbies too. Keeping busy and doing things you enjoy leaves you less time to over think things and keeps you in a better frame of mind.

And even after all that you may still get hurt and it may end, or you may be pleasantly surprised! There's no way of knowing that, so try relax and enjoy it all!