How do you fill yourself up?

LegacyUser

Am not talking about food ;-)

I have a terrible relationship with my family. I am 3rd (middle child), and was never heard as a kid.

I some how went on to lead a relatively normal life. But still things are very strange. Just looking for some honest advice. Ill be as honest as I can.

Am mid-30s, female. Am single. I am ok with this. I have a good (albeit stressful) job. I get to travel (Ive been to some wonderful places this year and again in a few weeks).

The problem is, the last few weeks, I just feel beyond empty. I have a few good friends (but they have their own lives), and I get on with most my colleagues at work. I would be known for being friendly/funny/nice.

Back to my relationship with my family (which is where I think a lot stems from). I would be the quintessential black sheep. I never married/had kids. I was always labelled a bit "different". Would just have different ideas, different opinions, also a bit quieter and sensitive. So, I felt I never got heard. Throughout my years (and few different relationships) I still felt empty. My siblings would make fun of me. They are wicked for bitching about people. By the time I was early 30s, I felt Id enough of them being in my business, so I became more assertive. I dont come from a family that talks about their feelings. But I am like this.

The problem is, I fell out with my siblings aout 4/5 months ago, over something, surprise, I had an opinion on. I felt I was being bullied, yet again, to what they wanted, and instead of backing down (like I used to), I didnt. Now, none of them will talk to me. Its made worse by my sister in law, who got involved. She is like them (always in peoples business, talking about other people, and from what I can see, very manipulative).

To make matters worse, I currently live at home. I dont have a problem with this, per se. It was my "safe place" after having so many knocks in my life. But it is not my ambition to live here for the rest of my life. And I have been looking at places. But its so hard to find somewhere suitable (living on my own would cost e800-e1000 per month. I wouldnt mind living with 1 other female, but these places are so hard to come by-each day I spend hours trawling through the internet looking). I am trying. The bottom line is, my sister in law wont stay at the house while I am here (she made the dispute all about her, of course).

So, here I am. No where to go. Dont talk to/get on with my family (my Dad views me as a failure as I never married/had kids). Am stuck. I feel terrified for my future. Everything I do have (which is little), I worked very hard to get. No luck in life for me Im afraid. Everyday I get up out of bed and hope that something good will happen me. I hope I get inspired to do something. I hope I get inspired to find a hobby I like. I hope some day my family will love me, for who I am, and not what I did/do for them (which was a lot).

I feel empty. My last thoughts as I went to bed last night were "if I get knocked down again, do I have the strength to get back up".

I have been seeing a councellor for a while now. Part of me being assertive and looking after myself. But am still dreadfully unhappy. I feel paralysed with fear.

Rubberchikken

You have a lot of good things going for you.
A good job. Travel. Good health. Smart.

The bitchiness you speak of often, imo, stems from jealousy. My advice would be to continue with your life, ignore their petty nonsense and try to find a place of your own. Everything else you wish for will follow in its own time.

bee06

OP, you sound like a very strong person. Start making a plan to move out as your family seem a bit poisonous for you at the moment. It might be easier to get along with them when you aren't living there. And as for luck, most people make their own luck through hard work.

LegacyUser

You are far luckier than you realise.

There's a saying 'nothing ventured nothing gained' and it is true. You simply must take risks in life to see change. If you are happy with the way things are then don't do anything. But nobody grows as a person if they never take a chance. I have a cousin who spent her life afraid of commitment. She is 58 now still living with her parents and is very immature. It's as though she reached 'grown-up' age and decided to opt out of that stage of life, preferring to stay safe always.
Get your skates on to move out and forge your own path in life. Meet new people, don't get stuck in ruts and see his things can be very different.

paralysedwithfear

paralysedwithfear wrote: »

I feel paralysed with fear.

This is the most important line in your post. Why are you fearful? What is scaring you?

LegacyUser

bee06 wrote: »

OP, you sound like a very strong person. Start making a plan to move out as your family seem a bit poisonous for you at the moment. It might be easier to get along with them when you aren't living there. And as for luck, most people make their own luck through hard work.

Thank you both for the replies.

bee06 I actually cried when I read that you think I sound like a strong person. For some reason, what ever is in me, I dont see that-but it made me emotional, so something in me must acknowledge it.

I have lived a life. I was always the "she'll be fine child". Yet here I am. I went through years of Uni (my siblings, no). The first to graduate. I lived abroad. My siblings, no. I spent time in places theyd never dream of going. I speak a few languages too. I care/help people (probably far too much). I could just walk into a room and start chatting with people, and get their life story-I love that. Noone would guess (except for a few close friend know) the turmoil I come from/face everyday.

Maybe I became a "yes" woman to try and fit in. Maybe am still at home because Im still trying to fit in. Maybe I feel if I go, there is no chance to a resolution. Ill feel I lost it all (which is funny because at the moment, I dont really have anything with them). I see them all together, all happy (I used to be the mute sounding board-if one sibling left the room, the other would be over to bitch about them). I know what its like to be part of their "group" and what happens, but I miss...something. I just wanted it to stop. 4/5 months ago, yet again (this isnt the first time theyve stopped talking to me), they just stopped again. Cast out, again. The black sheep. All because I want my situation to improve.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

This is the most important line in your post. Why are you fearful? What is scaring you?

I think that if/when I go, that because of how bad things are now, Ill feel lonely for them, and have lost them forever.

That I stay here, Ive still some connection to them...something along those lines. I cant quite figure it out myself.

LegacyUser

notsomanygiraffes wrote: »

There's a saying 'nothing ventured nothing gained' and it is true. You simply must take risks in life to see change.

You are 100% right.

I just havent a clue even where to start! Fundamentally, while the world sees me as bubbly and fun, am a wreck. I used to have so many interests and passions. Its like it was all sapped out of me. Now I think of a reason not to do things. And I was always first one up for craic/mishief/exploring.

You know when you need to reignite that little spark in you, but the match wont light. And you are desperately trying.

LegacyUser

Ok-I found a place this evening. A place where I think I would like to live.

The thing is, to pay the rent alone (excluding bills), is just over half my salary.

So, if I pay half my salary on rent, there isnt a lot left to live on (or to save).

I keep thinking "but what if I cant afford it in 4 months time or I take a fancy to move somewhere totally different" I would loose deposit.

My head is no, my heart is yes, try it.

freshpopcorn

paralysedwithfear wrote: »

The thing is, to pay the rent alone (excluding bills), is just over half my salary.

So, if I pay half my salary on rent, there isnt a lot left to live on (or to save).

I keep thinking "but what if I cant afford it in 4 months time or I take a fancy to move somewhere totally different" I would loose deposit.

My head is no, my heart is yes, try it.

This is the thing tough when you rent a house/room. You generally make a commitment to stick it out for a year. Without changing your mind. Do you have a stead job/with a regular wage? Most people when they start rentinging have a fair idea that they'll have work for the next year(unless something goes wrong). I know lots of people and when they first started renting. They had to cut back on holidays/going out/treats. They basically had enough to survive.
As for your siblings, do you want a relationship with them? Are you a little jealous of there happiness?
There are people out there who have brilliant educations/jobs and have travelled to loads of places and they can be miserable. Then there are people who finish school and bet a job locally and settle down and there really happy. It all depends on what you want.

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Are you a little jealous of there happiness?

I did think honestly about this before I replied. No, am not jealous at all of their life styles or their lives. Am very happy for them, for what they choose, and I love my nieces and nephews a lot.

I am frustrated at them. Frustrated at them off loading (about each other) on to me. Yet end up as "best friends". Am frustrated that Im the last person they will think of for something good, yet the first person they turn to when they need something (money, child minding, advice). Im frustrated they wont or refuse to see things from my point of view. Its the old "single supplement" story (you pay more even though youre a singleton). The most recent fallout with me was because I refused to pay a large chunk of money towards something (even though each "household" divided it by 2), I was left to pay for 2. They just, of course, demanded I pay. I tried to explain. No. Labelled as tight (yet a few months previously had loaned my sister a sizable chunk of money). I feel like its a constant battle for some understanding from them.

freshpopcorn wrote: »

There are people out there who have brilliant educations/jobs and have travelled to loads of places and they can be miserable. Then there are people who finish school and bet a job locally and settle down and there really happy. It all depends on what you want.

I am very happy with my education/travels and all the things Ive done in life. I look back and I do smile, Ive seen and done a lot of things. Thats the path I chose. I was in a relationship for over 5 years. One where I was expected to marry. But I knew he wasnt the person for me to do that with. My family dont understand that I do feel fine on my own, and let me off on my rambles and adventures. If a person is happy to settle down after school, get a job/family and all that, good for them. It is not for me to judge. Yet I do feel that people who did go along this path do judge (moreso than singletons who are quite happy!). Its a little "old ireland-ish". "Job/marry/kids or theres something wrong with you."

I do want a relationship with them, but I feel its at the cost of my self-confidence and self-esteem.