Being introduced to partners child

superstepmom2b · 05-10-2014 8:24am #1

Curious to get your thoughts opinions.

I'm with my partner over a year. Hes a really good man and great father to.his child from a previous relationship.

If your familiar with my previous posts you'll know that access to his child has been a complete nightmare depending on the mood of his ex.

Anyhoo they've been to court etc all sorted. Although access is not being met and likely to always be a problem. Have met his daughter twice a year ago and when the mother got wind she cut of access for a month. We're together over a year now and I really want to be included in that part of his life. She insisted that she meet me and see where I.live first.....neither of which has happened. I know he's nervous she'll cut access but surely she has no right to who he can or can't have around his child.

He has no say over what she does and she certainly never consults him on anything.

Should he just introduce me and then.tell her. Or let her know before hand and risk the inevitable. Anyone else been in the same situation.

We're buying a house together I really want things sorted soon so his child can get used to me.

Neyite · 05-10-2014 9:11am

You'll be living in the same house that the child will be staying in, so assuming the ex has genuine reasons why not meet her like grown-ups? And she should get to meet people who are likely to be a signicant part of her child's life- I know I'd want to.

January · 05-10-2014 10:11am

Put yourself in her shoes, if this was your child meeting your ex's new partner, would you not want to meet them and suss them out a bit?

At the end of the day you're not a mate that is going to hardly be around the child, you're moving in with him so you're going to be doing the overnights with him too.

eviltwin · 05-10-2014 12:00pm

I'd take it slowly, you're in this for the long haul with this guy so no rush. Its a big step buying a place together, you're now no longer just the girlfriend, you're a serious partner. Everyone is going to have to get used to that transition and tbh I think you and your partner need the chance to get used to it yourself without the added stress of visitations, his ex etc.

Personally I would allow him the chance to have his visits with his daughter first without you, it will give him a chance to explain the new set up to her and reassure her that their relationship is still his priority. Then when everyone is a bit more at ease I would add you to the mix. Focus not on what is the best way forward in terms of the ex, focus on the child and what is best for her.

I wouldn't give in to her demands about meeting you and seeing where you live, its just control dressed up as concern. She'd no doubt find something about you and your living arrangements to use against you. As her father he should be trusted to be responsible about the kinds of people he has his daughter around, he deserves to have his daughter know and have a relationship with his partner.

LegacyUser · 07-10-2014 6:41am

It is insane that you two are setting up home together and his daughter has not met you. You are going to be her step mother and essentially one day she will have this step mother that appeared out of nowhere.

When you talk about the mother's "right" to do something... that is a tricky area. Legally no she does not, but parents do like and need to know the important figures in their children's lives. You will be the 2nd most important woman in her life, so it makes sense in cordial way or in a way of wanting to be aware of your child's influences and relationships, if it's in a "vetting" kind of way...that's not a great foot to start things on and suspicion will lead to more problems. IF there is a co parenting relationship at play then yes you should meet, especially if you will be sharing a home. There is a good chance you will be doing a lot of the childcare...step moms get landed with this all the time. And her daughter will no doubt both be intrigued and competitive with daddy's girlfriend. If you don't have the mother on board you will be making things extremely difficult for yourself.

If your partner is too scared to rock any boats at this stage, then that to me says you are not going to have much back up there up the road.

"If your familiar with my previous posts you'll know that access to his child has been a complete nightmare depending on the mood of his ex."

This makes it sound like you are full of blame and that he has no input into the outcomes of access. I am not familiar with your posts, but this attitude will not help anyone. IF I were you I would reach out to her ask her to lunch, ask for her advice on the best way to introduce yourself to her daughter, be understanding that she might be nervous about these transitions and you want to do your best to make it as smooth as possible for everyone. You are in a unique position here and you can use it to your advantage. I know of a family where the mom and the step mom do all the communicating because the husband and the moms relationship is so bad they can't talk at all.

People often make the mistake of thinking this is two separate families. It is two homes but one family system and now you are about to join this family.

BE careful of the picture you are receiving from your partner. This is undoubtedly distorted as we all know our exs in specific, usually painful contexts and they are not the way they are around their exs as they are with other people because of negative intimacy and historical trouble.

superstepmom2b · 08-10-2014 5:39pm

January wrote: »

Put yourself in her shoes, if this was your child meeting your ex's new partner, would you not want to meet them and suss them out a bit?

At the end of the day you're not a mate that is going to hardly be around the child, you're moving in with him so you're going to be doing the overnights with him too.

thanks, oh I know she has no intention of meeting me in any kind of civil setting unfortunately. She harassed and threatened me at the start of our relationship so I know if she could have her way I would never be.part of their child's life. Extremely bitter woman who has never excepted responsiblity for her awful actions which ended their relationship and can't accept he has moved on.

In a normal situation I.would never force anything and I would be all for.meeting the mother. Like you say I will be a big part of her life and I.would in normal circumstances like to.have a good and civil relationship with the.mother. Shoe on the other foot so would I

But we're living together a year now and at this stage regardless of whether we are buying a house or not it's a serious relationship. My preference would be I get introduced to her and meet her here and there until she gets used to me then gradually spend more time with them both.

But the mother will never agree to it. Unfortunately she uses her child to get to him, without ever thinking of the welfare of his child. So he is stuck in the middle so I don't push it. Dealing with the mother and actually getting to see his daughter on the agreed days is a nightmare for him as it is. I just think it would be easier if it was before we moved to the house. Not suggesting she come to where we live at the moment as I think.bringing her here and in a few weeks somewhere else would be unsettling for her

January · 08-10-2014 7:28pm

Is the access court ordered at all?

superstepmom2b · 09-10-2014 12:08pm

January wrote: »

Is the access court ordered at all?

Unfortunately not although they were legally separated through court they agreed access terms before going to court unfortunately she has never met that agreement and also breaks the previous agreement. It's a total nightmare, I would think they will end up going to.court over the access as she is never consistent. It's not good for anyone in particular for their child. Unfortunately she's blind to that.

So you see messy all around and I can see things will be as bad if not worse when we have bought the house. It's such a pity really, thankfully she is extremely young but it's bound to impact her eventually.

Gadfly Girl · 11-10-2014 11:26am

superstepmom2b wrote: »

Unfortunately not although they were legally separated through court they agreed access terms before going to court unfortunately she has never met that agreement and also breaks the previous agreement. It's a total nightmare, I would think they will end up going to.court over the access as she is never consistent. It's not good for anyone in particular for their child. Unfortunately she's blind to that.

So you see messy all around and I can see things will be as bad if not worse when we have bought the house. It's such a pity really, thankfully she is extremely young but it's bound to impact her eventually.

Hi,

I think in this case court is the way to go. It sounds like the mum will act up regardless of what actions you take. I would still offer the olive branch of meeting for a coffee and chat, if she turns you down that's her choice but at least you will have continued to try to be civil and respectful. Your partner should mention calmly that their child will be meeting you, if the mum chooses to act up about it that's out of your control. Your partner should let her known that he will formalise access through the court in the child's best interests. It may be worth waiting until after court and a set access pattern is established.

Mediation through the family court is fantastic and would be the best option for all if the parents could agree to attend. Failing that a set access arrangement and routine will benefit the child and you can be then gently introduced. I think it's important to always leave the door open for communication with the mother without of course allowing yourself to be abused. Also it's worth keeping in the back of your mind that there are indeed more than two sides to a split family and either exes version is likely to be at least slightly tainted with their own unique perception at very least.

Hope this helps, best wishes

LegacyUser · 11-10-2014 12:18pm

superstepmom2b wrote: »

Unfortunately not although they were legally separated through court they agreed access terms before going to court unfortunately she has never met that agreement and also breaks the previous agreement. It's a total nightmare, I would think they will end up going to.court over the access as she is never consistent. It's not good for anyone in particular for their child. Unfortunately she's blind to that.

So you see messy all around and I can see things will be as bad if not worse when we have bought the house. It's such a pity really, thankfully she is extremely young but it's bound to impact her eventually.

So if she has never met you, and you have been living together a year...does that mean you leave the house when she visits or that she has never been to her dad's house?

It's tempting to think court will solve your problems but it will create as many problem as it appears to solve and you will end up bankrupt.

January · 11-10-2014 3:42pm

How will court bankrupt them? In family court you do not need a solicitor so no need to pay one, you can represent yourself.

superstepmom2b · 13-10-2014 4:52pm

please clarify wrote: »

So if she has never met you, and you have been living together a year...does that mean you leave the house when she visits or that she has never been to her dad's house?

It's tempting to think court will solve your problems but it will create as many problem as it appears to solve and you will end up bankrupt.

Access is at a relatives house however as she is only allowing a few hours a day (breaching the agreed access) he tends to take her off for the day. She does not want to meet me. If she had her way I wouldn't be there full stop.

Thanks all for your comments!!!

I think.it will end up in court unfortunately as she is unreasonable and is denying her child's basic right to.access to her father never mind the rest.

I will offer her the olive branch for the sake of my partner and his child and giver her the opportunity to accept it as neither of us are going anywhere. Although I certainly do not want to be her friend we do need to be on civil terms at least. As much as I would hope she will accept it I know it will be thrown in my face. Needless to say if it dones happen I won't be meeting her on my own.

LegacyUser · 14-10-2014 6:20pm

superstepmom2b wrote: »

Access is at a relatives house however as she is only allowing a few hours a day (breaching the agreed access) he tends to take her off for the day. She does not want to meet me. If she had her way I wouldn't be there full stop.

Thanks all for your comments!!!

I think.it will end up in court unfortunately as she is unreasonable and is denying her child's basic right to.access to her father never mind the rest.

I will offer her the olive branch for the sake of my partner and his child and giver her the opportunity to accept it as neither of us are going anywhere. Although I certainly do not want to be her friend we do need to be on civil terms at least. As much as I would hope she will accept it I know it will be thrown in my face. Needless to say if it dones happen I won't be meeting her on my own.

How old is the child?

He gets access a "few hours a day." Does that mean three hours a day Sun-Saturday? That sounds like pretty ok access. And then you say the mother is denying the child's right to access? And breaking an access agreement?

Can you clarify these contradictions?

Was the agreed access made without full disclosure of the father's cohabitational status? Agreements change all the time.

Is the reason he does not have overnight access because he has been co habitating with a woman who doesn't know the child?

superstepmom2b · 07-11-2014 9:51pm

please clarify wrote: »

How old is the child?

He gets access a "few hours a day." Does that mean three hours a day Sun-Saturday? That sounds like pretty ok access. And then you say the mother is denying the child's right to access? And breaking an access agreement?

Can you clarify these contradictions?

Was the agreed access made without full disclosure of the father's cohabitational status? Agreements change all the time.

Is the reason he does not have overnight access because he has been co habitating with a woman who doesn't know the child?

The child is 4 and a half. He is the legal guardian as the child was born whlist they were married.

Regardless of where he lives the situation at the time it was agreed the child would have overnight access in.the initial setting that was agreed at a relatives house. He was happy with this, I certainly had no issue with this. It was agreeable to the mother she suggested it and they both agreed to the terms and yet she has never kept this agreement. I have no.issue with not being there whilst they get used to this arrangement but the fact is she has never followed through.

This is no more then a control issue as there is nothing further in his life she has any say or involvement in. She is bitter and that is pretty much the crux of it and that is not something I've dreamt up. As a woman I'm ashamed to say she is the stereotypical woman separated/unmarried father's refer to. The simple fact is it 100% applies here.

Access is 3/4 hours one evening and anything between 6-7 hours on a weekend day. The time and day frequently changes to suit herself often not turning up, cancellong or reducing the hours.

I'm sorry but 3-4 hours a day a week as you outline is certainly not enough access.

Do you think.it right that a father who was there 24 hrs a day up to the age of two that it is fair he only have access for a short few hours a week? Leaving out the fact that as a father he is just as entitled to introduce significant people in.his life to that of his child, do you believe he is not as entitled as the.mother to.this right? He has always considered his child
I have met the child on three occasions over a year ago. As a curtosy he should have said he was going to do this and he didn't. I was not introduced as his partner but as a friend and his family where there on all occasions. When she heard she stopped access for a month...

Do you think that was right?

That she has the right to restrict normal access to.his child and to.the child's right to have regular, consistent access to her father. I fail to see what contradictions you refer to.

Sorry but I'm not sure what point it is your making.

Perhaps you could clarify?

My post was originally due to the fact that after almost two years in a committed relationship she can dictate who he introduces his child to, yet he cannot do likewise to her.

It's not only a double standard but it's also not right!

Do you think it right that indefinitely this should be the case?

End of the day me out of the occasion....... Her child is not a barging tool to get what she wants. It's just a shame she does not see this as long term it is extremely damaging.

hoodwinked · 07-11-2014 11:10pm

with all due respect is anyone here genuinely thinking of the child?

all i hear is the mother according to you is using the child, and rather than try to give the child a stable environment, you are here banging on about the "rights" the father has?

it may not be what you want to hear but when he left, he left, what ever his reasons were, he cannot have it both ways, the only way to be there for his daughter 24/7 is to have him live with/reconcile with the ex wife OR have the daughter move in with him, yes it sucks but as relations do not seem to be good between both parents it seems understanding has gone amiss,

what is important is that the child is put first. you should remain civil at all times, and in my opinion you and him may have been dating this past year but you are a stranger to his child, until this is resolved i think he is making another mistake/mess buying a house and tying himself to yet another woman in the commitment that is joint property ownership. but that is just my opinion

what if she (the daughter) doesn't like you? what happen's then? does he dump you? or does he dump his child?

you have no way of knowing how this will play out, and yes it may be years before it is resolved with his ex playing hardball but that is between him and her to sort out, until it is, you will remain a stranger to this child unfortunately, and as one of the adult's involved in this mess you should get him to put his child first in this, someone needs to.

Being introduced to partners child

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