half brother from previous relationship

LegacyUser

I am a father to my only child a 6 year old daughter. I have had full custody since she was a little over 1 years old and have had her in my loving care 365 days each year since.

the mother is on drugs, homeless and does not see the child and has no access to.

My ex partner, my daughter's mum has a son from a previous relationship who is now 17 years old. He has has been living with his dad in pretty much the same scenario as mine above

When the boy turned 17 he wanted to find his mum and has been meeting her once a week or 2 weeks in town for a coffee or whatever. The 17 year old and the mum are wanting me to introduce my daughter to him as they are half brother and sister and play a part in my daughter's life.

My daughter has never met him and my thinking is, no. I have enough to deal with raising my daughter with schooling, childcare, afterschool, homework, activities, everything that goes along with being a lone parent whilst working full time too. I do not see the reason at this moment in time to land this on my daughter and myself to deal with too.

My thinking is , the step son should get to know his mum who he has only just started meeting again after over 16 years to get on with their relationship than bringing my daughter into it

As far as im concerned that is their life and this is our life. When my daughter is old enough (16) I can tell her she has a step brother but until then I just prefer things to remain as they are

On a side note the mother is still on drugs, homeless but is able to be presentable when this 17 year old visits in town.

As you can imagine the mother is very angry with my attitude and ranting and making threats down the phone about just turning up with the son

Am I being unreasonable, should I let the step son make this bond? Does my 6 year old need all these addtional questions to be asking me too?

I realise I am probably sounding selfish but I am just expressing my views and I am open to change if the opinion on here is that I am out of order

I have no family here or help from anyone. I raise my daughter and there for her at all times.

thanks

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like she is using her son an excuse to see your daughter.

Junkies dont get chances to play happy families.

When they are both adults let them find each other.

Until then, protect your daughter.

Explain this directly to her half brother directly.

Hollister11

Keep your daughter safe. The chap could be lovely and may try to get the mother back in the scene. Keep her out

He is not your daughter's step brother, he is her brother. Maybe a half brother, but her brother non the less.
What harm could it possibly do to your daughter to know her brother?
You don't need to have the mother involved, your daughter and her brother are entitled to a relationship.
I can't see any reason not to let them, in fact I think its wrong to keep them apart if her older brother wants to see her.

You can make the boundary, he can see her, but No mam.

You should be ready for the day when she does want to meet her mam though!

I have a brother, about 6 years younger than me, my fathers child, we are only now trying to get in touch with each other and we are in our thirties. It would have been so much easier if we had always known each other.
And even though I have nothing to do with my father, he is my brother.

December2012

I understand you're very protective of your daughter.

I'm not clear from your post - is her brother a drug user, or are you saying he has lived with his father like your girl has with you?

If he is not a drug user, and is just a normal kid, I think you should facilitate knowledge and a relationship between your child and her brother. She already has no mother. She will still need you as a father, but her brother can also be a small presence in her life,

CaraMay

I think if he is a good kid then he is to be admired for reaching out to get to know your daughter. Maybe meet with him yourself and see what you think and then take it from there. Leaving it for 10 years is too long IMHO. You don't need to involve the mother but a good brother is a handy thing for a girl to have. You can never have enough (good) family members in your life and tbh (coming from someone whose only child has a 1/2 brother and sister) I don't think you have the right (unless the brother is trouble) to keep her from him.

Stavro Mueller

I'm wondering why you're wanting to wait til your daughter's 16 to tell her? She should be well able to handle this information when she's younger I'd have thought.

Semele

I agree with other posters that 16 might not be the best time to drop the news of a brother on your daughter. It's a difficult age anyway, somewhere between childhood and maturity, and your daughter may not have the resources to process the information well.

On the other hand, younger children generally accept things and don't question them so much. It might be easier for your daughter to at least know soon that she has a brother and to grow up with this knowledge as the norm rather than it being a big surprise later. I would tell her the basics, without too much emotion, and tell her that she is welcome to ask any questions she wants. You often find that children have a few questions at first but are very adaptable. As they get older, new questions occur to them, which means that the information you can give her matches her level of understanding and maturity.

What does she understand about her mother? Does she ask questions about that situation and if so how do you manage that? Those conversations would be an obviously place to talk about family relationships more generally and to introduce the idea of a brother. Any later talk about meeting could be dependant on your daughter and how she takes to the idea.

Saipanne

I say don't do it. She is too young for all this.

shalalala

I have a half brother and sister hat I have always known about. I had no relationship with them because I didn't want a relationship with my father but recently I have started contacting them. I am 25.

I think you should tell her about her half sibling, but not let her meet the mother. Can you contact the half brothers father? You are all in an extended family and I would say it is important for your daughter to have this in her life.

If you wait until she is older I am sure she would be angry that you took knowing her brother through her childhood away from het.

nc19

Maybe you could meet this fella on your own and suss him out. See what his motives are. Explain yours.

SterlingArcher

You play the good guy Mr considerate of other people's feelings.

The son will bond with the kid. Then will be asking can he take her out its no big deal right? In which eventually it will be him and the junkie mam out with your child.

Then the son tells the mother she should have more rights see a lawyer and so forth.

Your daughter is happy. You are happy. This is just my opinion.

The less you have to do with this junkie mother or any connection to her the better this step brother will be her in. and this guy will already have been poisoned to believe you are a bad guy keeping this poor victim mother from her child. I see no good coming of this.

Stavro Mueller

Has your daughter started asking questions yet about her mother? If she's at school it's only a matter of time before the other kids in her class starting asking questions about why she has no mammy.

Just to go back to the 16 thing, I think leaving it til then to drop the bombshell about her brother is unfair on her. She may come to resent you for this, especially if he turns out to be a nice person. I can understand why you'd not want to have her mother in her life but perhaps you could allow the brother. All depending of course on what the brother's like. I think you should arrange to meet the brother a few times and figure out what sort of person he is. Or indeed what he thinks of his mother.

Chances are things may take on a momentum of their own so I think if you're proactive you can keep control of them.

miss no stars

6 seems very young to figure out having a 17 year old half-brother she's never met, who has the same mother as her but who also had no contact with the mother growing up.

But to be fair to the kid, it doesn't seem like he has had it easy and he is probably just trying to put the whole picture together for himself.

Would you consider meeting him for coffee and explaining that you understand him wanting to meet his sister, but you're just concerned because she's still so little it would be hard for her to make sense of? I'm sure you don't want to keep her from her brother and I understand your concern.

If he seems like a nice kid, maybe consider telling your daughter about him as matter of a factly as you can (maybe mention him if she talks about her friend's siblings)? You can give her time to process the idea. When she's used to that idea you could ask her if she would like to meet her brother. The thing about meeting him is that I would ask to meet him with his own dad there. He's still just a kid too.

Stavro Mueller

Also if you meet the brother separately and explain how things are for you, it might stop him showing up on your doorstep along with the mother. You don't know what she has told him or what way she may have twisted the facts. As has been suggested, she may be using him as a vehicle to get to her daughter so cutting off that avenue would be no bad thing .

P_1

OP it strikes me that you're relying on 2nd hand information from the mother. Meet the son yourself and suss out how he seems to you. Its understandable that you want to protect your daughter but to be honest this isn't the sort of thing that you should be relying on second hand information to base your decision on.

lovelyjubbly

I think waiting until she is 16 is a mistake. Your daughter may not thank you for keeping this from her. I say meet the brother and see what he's about and explain your terms. If you think it will be good for her tell her about him and see what she says. She might be very excited about a brother but then she might not.

Your daughter is going to find out before she is 16 anyway. People talk and some other child will probably tell her. It should come from you.

Alucan

If you let him see her it will eventually lead to him talking about the mother with her and vice versa which will in turn lead to heartache for your daughter. How will she feel when she finds out he sees the mother but she can't. When she is older discuss it with her but for now protect her.

January

I think you should let her meet him now. She won't thank you at 16 for keeping this info from her for so long, and believe me it will come out that you knew about it all along.

Let her meet him, but on your terms. You are always to be around at meetings (so there's no question of him even hinting at bringing her to see their mother) and there has to be no mention of the mother while he is around her. He's 17, so if he cannot agree to these terms he can lump it and wait until he can.

Big Bag of Chips

Some people are trying to paint the poor lad (half brother) as some sort of bad influence waiting to sneak the daughter off to see her mother. There is absolutely no evidence of this. The lad is just turned 17. Has only recently gotten in contact with his mother, and I'd assume only recently found out he has a little sister. Of course he would be excited/interested to meet her. He's 17, still just a young lad. He's grown up with no access to his mother so this is all new territory for him too.

I see no harm in explaining to your daughter that she has an older brother. There is no real reason to keep this from her. It will come out eventually and the longer it is left the more questions will be asked. I know of a family who recently told their 13 year old that she has a 16 year old sister... She was not impressed at everyone in her family keeping this secret from her.

What does your daughter know about her mother? It is possible for the 2 siblings to gave a relationship without the mother involved. And maybe the big brother might even be a source of comfort to her... Someone else who also grew up living just with their dad, and not seeing their mam.

She's 6. She will take her cues from you and the adults around her. If you get upset by this she'll be upset. If you handle this properly your daughter could be the very happy and content little girl she has always been, except now she has a cool older brother too!

LegacyUser

op here

yes, as I said in my original post nothing was set in concrete as to my solution

I have met the boy before, he comes from a very afluent family and is going to university the following year. It seems his family have brought him up well.

I will introduce my daughter to him in due course and take it from there

I have told the mother she will not be playing any role in my daughter's life whilst her own is so chaotic with the drug abuse, being homeless and hanging around with fellow scum

As you can imagine this has not gone down well at all as she was expecting when her son meets us she will be tagging along



I need to now explain carefully to this boy why I do not want his mother near my house or my daughter without "bad mouthing" her and for her to claim I am trying to spoil her relationship with her son

As he has only just started meeting her, he is oblivious to how she is but that is none of my business

I am only looking out for my daughter and nothing else

thanks for all the advice-I have taken onboard and agree the general opinion is what I am going to follow

CaraMay

Well done op. That's a great attitude to have. Am glad both kids are in such healthy family environments.

pc7

Does your daughter ask about her mother? It reads as if the mother might see this as an in to get to your daughter. Great to hear the brother has been as lucky as your daughter and raised in a safe and loving home. I think take it show with him and explain your daughter is only 6 but you do want them to know each other. Best of luck op do what feels right

jellyboy

hi op

above all else your duty of care is towards your daughter,if at any stage their was social workers involved i would ask to have a word and speak of your concerns

i would suggest speaking to his sober parent and explain your deep concern around the influence of her mother and maybe granting access with or through them

this is all very short term and not an effective strategy to deal with a substance abusing parent ,who in all likelihood will want to meet with the child ..

i would seek help in getting a strategy or not from the approbate services that can best support you and your daughter going forward

if you allow your pain and hurt to influence your descion making ,your daughter could resent you for it in later years ,telling her you were protecting her might not work

all she will want to know is why she couldn't/can't see mammy
best of luck with it

December2012

Would you talk to his Dad? Maybe if the three of you (him, his Dad, and you) met and spoke you could discuss your child, the mother and the parameters for your relationships going forward.

ManOfMystery

As above, your number #1 priority here is your daughter's well-being. Which I'm sure you don't need us to tell you, you have obviously been doing a sterling job of raising her alone so far.

It's a tricky situation. I think everyone agrees that it's a bad idea for her mother to have any involvement in your daughter's life again, that much is clear. However as has been pointed out above, her brother is an innocent in all this too and is only out of childhood himself. He has obviously worked hard at school to win a place in Uni and shows some degree of maturity and responsibility in setting out to find his mother (however misplaced that faith may be...) and build a relationship with a sister he has never met.

As to whether your daughter is too young, etc to meet him .............. that's really your call. I realise all children develop emotionally at different stages, but personally I think any child would need to be at least around 10yrs or older to adequately understand the situation and have some basic understanding of the implications - both good and bad - of introducing a new sibling.

Fundamentally, I think she should have to chance to know her sibling. However if you're going to do this, it has to be on your terms. At an age when you think your daughter is ready. Without the mother's involvement. I think meeting the brother in person and explaining this to him - and talking to him calmly and civil, as an adult and not a child - is the way to do it. Hopefully the maturity and responsibility evidenced by him so far will extend to this situation and he will be patient and understanding that a young child is involved, and her needs are paramount. I think it's also important that you keep your thoughts on his mother out of the situation and explain that your only interest here is your daughter's well-being, and any issues between you and her mother have no bearing on it.

It may also be an idea for you to maybe open an ongoing line of communication with him - it may be too early for you daughter to meet him, but that doesn't mean that you can't be in touch with him now and again to tell him how your daughter is progressing in school, what she's like as a person, etc. That gives him something to go on until they can meet and proves to him you're not just closing a door in his face.