Should I meet up with my father after 13 years?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Going Anon for this one.

I haven't seen my father in 13 years by choice. I am moving to another country for good in 8 days and I heard from him asking to meet up. I'm not sure whether to meet him or not or what to say to him really.

Some background:
He physically abused my mom and we were all scared to say anything. Growing up he was emotionally abusive to me and my brothers. We weren't allowed to speak are minds which led to issues in our personalities to this day. He had terrible anger issues, if you said the slightest thing wrong he would go mental. He used to call me fat(I was 5 years old) and that I was so stupid I would never get a good job or find a boyfriend.

I can't recall the amount of times the police were called to our house. One of the last times I ever saw him he was going after my mother and I stood up to him and he came after me. That was the end for my mom, she finally got out and got her job back. She's been paying the mortgage herself ever since, bills etc he never gave maintenance and wouldn't get a separation from her unless he got 100% of the house. Needless to say it wasn't pleasant.

Now I know a person like him can't change he still thinks he never did anything wrong and that my mom drove him to hit her. He has never really bothered to see me because he knows I don't want to see him. This is the second time he has gotten in contact with me this week because he knows I'm going(my oldest brother still sees him). I just don't know if I should or not, I know I will never see him again and i'm afraid i'll regret it if he died and such. However at the same time I hated him, he made my family and I's life's hell and I'd be afraid i'll revert back to those feelings if I met him.

Any advice would be great.

LeeD1502

Sorry to hear that you were emotionally abused.

My father was also emotionally abused by his own sisters and he taught it was normal which led to him doing it to me but thankfully we went to theraphy together and sorted it quick and quite early in my life (im 15). Its 50/50 really but I think you should meet up with him and tell him how you felt/feel.Explain to him what you are going to do this first though to not create argument and further tension in relationship.

My therapist told me to speak out about problems in your mind as you are releasing it this way and if you do it then it might possibly not affect your personality? After 2 therapy sessions I FLIPPED at my dad and told him everything that was in my head and from that day on we have built a pretty good and WAY better relationship than before all in 3 months.

And also as you said you might regret it when he passes away so it probs better to give it a shot! By doing this you may get an apology to you and also maybe your family? Good luck

Neyite

I think that if you have things you want to say to him, then think about meeting, saying what you have to say and then leave. If its that you are hoping to hear something different or an apology from him, don't hold your breath. For someone like him, someone else will always be to blame for his flaws not him. He is toxic and has done nothing to entitle him to share a happy relationship with his child.

I think it's really up to whether or not you want a relationship with your dad.
If you love him and you think things could be different, then maybe yes.
If you're not really bothered about having a relationship with him, then what's the point?

In case you never see him again and he dies? Would that really make any difference to your life?
You haven't seen him for years, by your own choice, do you think things/he will be different now?
If you do, maybe you should.

My own experience, I have seen my dad about 3 times in the last 20 years or so, he contacts me now and again, when he dries out, but I'm happy with my decision not to bother. I know if he dies, I'll be fine with it.

I guess it all depends how much love you have left for him.

RoscommonTom

Thats very sad, if it was me id give him one more chance and see what he has to say for himself, best of luck

Rubberchikken

if you go to meet him, go for your sake. say what you need to say and leave it at that.
i'm sorry your relationship with your dad was what it was, he sounds like a damaged individual. i realise he is your dad and things could have been so different, and it's these things you need to mourn and then move on with your life.

good luck with your decision and with your move abroad.

woodchuck

If you decided not to see him and he dropped dead the following week, would you regret not having seen him?

Either answer is perfectly valid btw, but I think asking yourself this might help sort out whether or not you actually want to see him.

LegacyUser

The attitude of "people like him" is astonishing and unhelpful. People change ALL THE TIME.

Everything you talk about was 13 years ago. You have no idea who or what he is like now.

If you don't meet him and choose never to see him again, then that will be on you. He is taking a risk too by reaching out.

These changes don't happen in one meeting, or two meetings. Such a big absence will take a long long time to repair so don't expect magic overnight.

ANd yes your feelings might regress, there is always that chance.

Neyite

anon2014 wrote: »

The attitude of "people like him" is astonishing and unhelpful. People change ALL THE TIME.

Everything you talk about was 13 years ago. You have no idea who or what he is like now.

If you don't meet him and choose never to see him again, then that will be on you. He is taking a risk too by reaching out.

These changes don't happen in one meeting, or two meetings. Such a big absence will take a long long time to repair so don't expect magic overnight.

ANd yes your feelings might regress, there is always that chance.

The man to this day still blames the OP's mother for "making him hit her". Doesn't sound like much soul searching or personality changes went on in the last 13 years there tbh. I'd give different advice if there was remorse for his actions but there isn't any, the opposite in fact.

JJJJNR

You shouldn't hold your dad solely responsible for his actions within a relationship 13 years ago, you were a young kid then don't forget. You need to get your dad's side of the story on what happened and why he left, and if it answers your questions what made him lash out. You don't know the facts. Was there money issues, other relationships etc. Emotional abuse can work both ways and some people are very quick to demonise as one person being toxic etc without knowing any details.

I wish you well, but I think you shouldn't judge your dad so harshly he did move out of the house when the trouble started which has to be commended as at least then you didn't have any more tension.

LegacyUser

JJJJNR wrote: »

You shouldn't hold your dad solely responsible for his actions within a relationship 13 years ago, you were a young kid then don't forget. You need to get your dad's side of the story on what happened and why he left, and if it answers your questions what made him lash out. You don't know the facts. Was there money issues, other relationships etc. Emotional abuse can work both ways and some people are very quick to demonise as one person being toxic etc without knowing any details.

I wish you well, but I think you shouldn't judge your dad so harshly he did move out of the house when the trouble started which has to be commended as at least then you didn't have any more tension.

Thanks for the different views everyone.

To comment on this particular view. My father always was and still is a manipulative emotionally abusive man. He would hit my mother because he had a bad day and if someone called to the house would act all nice to them and once the door was closed go back to it.

I don't believe anyone like him can change and I have heard from him a bundle of times throughout the years, all of which was very very negative even though I have done very well in my life. I did try to meet him before a few years back but he was seeing a women so had no time for his only daughter.

I know why he left(he certainly didn't want to), we pushed him from the house because he came after me with a knife for standing up for myself and my mom. I know the facts, I remember everything very well. I grew up very quickly and it was soul destroying house to live in.

So no, I don't want to meet him for a relationship but I guess for answers to stuff I will probably never get from him. I'm 70(not bothering)/30(bothering) to see him but right now I really can't see any other reason to then to make sure I won't regret it if I never saw him again.

SkyBlueClouds

Neyite wrote: »

I think that if you have things you want to say to him, then think about meeting, saying what you have to say and then leave. If its that you are hoping to hear something different or an apology from him, don't hold your breath. For someone like him, someone else will always be to blame for his flaws not him. He is toxic and has done nothing to entitle him to share a happy relationship with his child.

This. Meet him on YOUR terms. If he doesn't comply don't hesitate to walk away.

CaraMay

I personally wouldn't. What can he add to your life? It's not like he will ever be a positive figure in your life and his nasty comments over the years have proven this. You don't need his crap in your life when you are going so well.

LegacyUser

shouldimeetmyfather wrote: »

Thanks for the different views everyone.

To comment on this particular view. My father always was and still is a manipulative emotionally abusive man. He would hit my mother because he had a bad day and if someone called to the house would act all nice to them and once the door was closed go back to it.

I don't believe anyone like him can change and I have heard from him a bundle of times throughout the years, all of which was very very negative even though I have done very well in my life. I did try to meet him before a few years back but he was seeing a women so had no time for his only daughter.

I know why he left(he certainly didn't want to), we pushed him from the house because he came after me with a knife for standing up for myself and my mom. I know the facts, I remember everything very well. I grew up very quickly and it was soul destroying house to live in.

So no, I don't want to meet him for a relationship but I guess for answers to stuff I will probably never get from him. I'm 70(not bothering)/30(bothering) to see him but right now I really can't see any other reason to then to make sure I won't regret it if I never saw him again.

Whatever you decide OP, do understand now that you're the one leaving the country in a week who will be left dealing with whatever comes out of meeting/not meeting your Dad.
And potentially (I don't know your situation) you'll have no family or friends who know your situation to be there for support.

I think you should weigh up how angry you are. What I mean is, if you say some well deserved comments to your Dad's face and get the same ol sh1te in return, and then leave the country....will you be more angry or less angry than you are now? Will it bring more unwanted feelings to the surface that you then have to deal with on your own? Potentially more than if he died without you seeing him again?

Or if your anger (well justified, btw) is such that you really don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing you, and you leave (possibly never seeing him again), will your regret at saying nothing to his face outweigh your anger?

To my mind, this could be equally a manipulative try at having a go at you, or it could be an apology. If it's an apology, do you think it's worth hearing? He could always write an apology y'know....you don't have to bend your knee to hear it. If it's to have a go at you, why would you need that just before leaving the country? TBH, it smacks of manipulation to me that he'd send this message just now. What was wrong with last year? Last month?

Whatever you decide hon, don't forget this is a mess not of your making, and your Mum was properly strong for you and your bros/sis to leave him. You don't have to put yourself back there for anyone except yourself. Best of luck with your future abroad, and whatever decision you take right now should be about prioritising YOURSELF and nobody else.

Merkin

Have you asked him why exactly he wants you to meet him? I'd be inclined not to but I would be inclined to ask him what his reasons are. If he was to hint at the possibility that he is remorseful or ashamed then Id perhaps give him a chance but if he can't give any reason then I don't think I'd bother, not when you've come this far without having him in your life.

shalalala

I have no relationship with my father and I wouldn't class the things that he has done to be half as bad as your father!

Only you know if you will regret it. I personally wouldn't want to see him. He hasn't changed at all, he has shown you that. Good luck OP, it is such a hard decision to make.