Family drama i should have no part of...

LegacyUser

please bare with me it is a bit of a long one,

My cousin and my sister are in the same year at school, it turns out since last year my cousin has been bullying my sister, doing things like calling her a whore because she would do things like stay in and study rather than go out bush drinking with them (they were 17) and attacking her confidence (not that she had much to begin with) using social media like snapchat facebook and twitter to verbally abuse her and alienate her from her friends (the cousin doing the bullying has some money coming her way and has promised to buy them all ipads/iphones/alcohol when she gets it)...etc,for the record i have looked up her twitter and instagram and saw these "cryptic" tweets/photo's for myself.

she hid the elderly relatives from these bullying status's but we have another cousin who could see them as she forgot to hide her, and my sister eventually showed our parents them, they have been screenshot and since removed by the bullying cousin.

the cousin who is doing the bullying (i will call her cousin "a" for recognition) had an 18th birthday party, and my mum asked me to stand by my sister and not go, my sister and i are the only cousins that cousin "a" had that were able to go anyway and for obvious reasons my sister didn't want to go,

now i didn't want to go anyway, i don't drink and usually end up playing taxi for them all, and money is so tight right now it suited me not to go. (i haven't been at her siblings 18th's nor them mine, one of her siblings didn't even go to my wedding)

my issue is, cousin "a" is now playing the victim because we didn't go and other older relatives are odd with my husband and i because we didn't go, this is uncomfortable as we would see them every week and there is just awkwardness there now, alongside an aunt (who i would have been quite close to until this happened) of both my sister and cousin "a" constantly mentioning the party and saying things like "best party ever" Cousin "a" is playing the victim and soaking up the sympathy of course and is being treated like royalty along with comments i overheard them saying about my sister "that she's just causing trouble" and she should "get on with it, like everyone has to and should have been there anyway" in the meantime the same relatives are sympathizing about my sisters situation to my mother and her, my mother doesn't know what her family are saying about her behind her back.

now i feel mad because a) i feel i was under no obligation to go,
and b) they are effectively teaching this bully that her behaviour is acceptable and it is to be rewarded?

yet i am getting the frosty fallout from all this??? how is that fair?

it just annoys me i know it shouldn't but it does. these are grown adults, and they are siding with a bully?

December2012

It would appear that they only understand your cousins side of the story.

Your parents should be supporting your sister - why do you guys see this cousin every week? If this bully was not your cousin they would have nothing to do with her, to continue the facade of appropriate family behaviour is disrespectful to your sister.

Stand by your sister, ignore those who don't know any better.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

It would appear that they only understand your cousins side of the story.

Your parents should be supporting your sister - why do you guys see this cousin every week? If this bully was not your cousin they would have nothing to do with her, to continue the facade of appropriate family behaviour is disrespectful to your sister.

Stand by your sister, ignore those who don't know any better.

i don't think they do understand only my cousin's side though, my mother has been very verbal telling them what has been going on,

my parents are supporting my sister but she see's this cousin every day in school, she's in her final year so moving her at this stage isn't possible,

how we see her is we all go to an elderly relative's house every week to visit this elderly relative help her out around the house, my aunt would call up at the same time to see this relative and our child (they have a great relationship with one another) and my other aunt (who i would be quite close to but is this bully's mother) started joining us too, it was always a fun gathering, but since this bullying has started her daughter (cousin "a") has started turning up as she's realised when she does the elderly relative slips her money so we would only see her when she needed money to be honest.

i agree with you when you say if she wasn't family they would have nothing to do with her, i think you have them spot on there,

what bother's me is now this bully is making things that used to be pleasant very awkward and with these relatives being upset with us for not attending a party? my husband said if the bullying wasn't happening our absence wouldn't have been noticed i think he is right,

so far we have dealt with it by sticking to our guns, and staying polite/civil but walking away when they have started going on about the party/how wonderful this girl is, (both my husband and i cannot stand bullying have both been bullied in different ways when we were younger)

i guess am just frustrated because i love my sister very much and this girl is making her life hell yet being rewarded for it while they brand my sister the "troublemaker".

CaraMay

You are being too passive and not protecting your sister. Change the day / time you go to visit the relative and if asked, explain why. I don't give a crap that they are family. Your no1 responsibility is to your sister and if my sister was being bullied I would shout it from the rooftops til the bully was stopped.

Stop bring so polite and start to take action. First stop is reporting her to the school and if nothing changes then threaten the police. Have you any clue how this could f up your sisters life?

Rubberchikken

When things go against bullies, they tend to play the victim card and they're very convincing to those who don't know the full story or who haven't seen the negative effects their actions have on peoples' lives.

Ignore this cousin and comments from anyone else and support your sister.

bee06

CaraMay wrote: »

You are being too passive and not protecting your sister. Change the day / time you go to visit the relative and if asked, explain why. I don't give a crap that they are family. Your no1 responsibility is to your sister and if my sister was being bullied I would shout it from the rooftops til the bully was stopped.

Stop bring so polite and start to take action. First stop is reporting her to the school and if nothing changes then threaten the police. Have you any clue how this could f up your sisters life?

This, who cares if they are giving you a hard time. If they have a problem with you supporting your sister then they are not worth your time.

LegacyUser

Did your sister ever get on with her cousin or did this bullying only being because your sister wouldn't go drinking with them? To be honest if I were you I would forget about the relatives and what they think, support your sister in this, it's not her fault her cousin is a nasty piece of work. You sister is doing her final yr in school which is stressful enough with out somebody making her life hell everyday. Is the bullying still going on or has it stopped? Bullying is awful and can really wreck a persons self esteem. If you visit this elderly relative every weekend, go at a different time.

Big Bag of Chips

To be perfectly honest, the whole carry on sounds very childish. The only thing that should matter in all of this is your sister's well-being. Who cares if you didn't go to an 18th?? Seriously??! It's an invitation, not a summons. And I'd be pretty confident you weren't the only people invited who didn't go. If they say anything again tell them that it was "the best party ever" so your absence obviously had no affect on the night, or the birthday girl's enjoyment (!)

As for the rest of it... Ignore it all. You can be 100% certain that nobody else in your family (cousins, aunts etc.) are giving as much time and thought to it as you are. They all have their own lives and problems and your sister and you & your husband are just something else to fill a few minutes chat about. Unfortunately.

Concentrate on your sister. Visit at a different time. Back off with the pleasantries and discussions, your title says you shouldn't be caught up in it... Well neither should any of the rest of them. You have to side with your sister. Your cousin's family will side with her... And the rest of them will side with whoever they are talking to at the time.

Just because you live close doesn't mean you have to live in each others pockets. I live in the same area as one set of cousins. I rarely see them. My sisters would be fairly friendly with them. I'm not. My sister invited all of them to her wedding. I didn't. I'm still polite and friendly whenever I do see them, but I'm not "friends" with any of them.. I don't like them and think they spend too much of their lives looking for unnecessary drama..... Sound familiar?

Encourage your parents to either approach the cousin's parents with the screen shots, if they're cryptic though they could be explained away, or go to the school.

Your sister needs support, not some petty arguing over an 18th!

thefeatheredcat

This elderly relative comes across to me as being told both sides from your mother and your aunt and is probably being the soundboard for both sides without really getting too involved. She probably just wants everyone to get along and go to eachother's events and support eachother and her role is to stay sympathetic to both sides when necessary and when called for. It's possible that she might have thought it went to petty lengths to not go to the cousin's party and might just brush the concept of bullying as something that you dealt with like your dirty socks, just a part of life and might see not going to the party as a means to hurt your cousin unnecessarily to put her in her place, rather than in showing solidarity with your sister and what she has experienced.

Regardless of all that though, if this relative (and others) is giving you a hard time about not going, it's not really their business that you didn't go for whatever reason. You and your husband aren't obligated to explain your absence and just as equally aren't obligated to feel guilty over not going, regardless of the reason. If the topic comes up in conversation, you have a choice to end the conversation by stating that you do not wish to discuss it again, and that this relative just has to accept that they didn't go and there is nothing to be discussed further about it and the matter is now closed.

The ideal probably for this relative is everyone plays nice and gets on with things regardless, however from what's actually going on from your perspective that isn't so easy, when you do have to support your sister.

I came across this article/part advertisement in the Irish Independent earlier today and thought it could be useful, so I bookmarked it for reference for myself, but might be of a benefit to your sister and maybe worth reading a bit further into, about tips to deal with bullying, which rather than being the usual vague stuff I've seen in articles before, actually sound more practical and helpful.

http://www.independent.ie/life/family/parenting/expert-tips-to-help-your-little-one-beat-the-schoolyard-bullies-30635539.html

LegacyUser

A very similar situation happened with a younger sibling and cousin of mine. A mutual cousin informed us of the bullying also.

The bully's parents stood by her even though there was reems of abuse on paper from her to my sister. Even though most of our mutual relatives knew what had occurred they sided with the bullys family as they tended to be very close anyway.

Even though if was their child that was the bully, they no longer speak to my parents. And thats fine. Quite frankly I would not want that bully to be part of my sisters set of friends and she is much better off not exposed to that behaviour anyway.

If thats how these people want to behave just leave them be. Some people are just awfully stupid and petty. In time your other relatives will just back off, its none of their business anyway. Side with your sister on this one and be thankful your family put a stop to it so quickly before it caused more harm to your sister.

castaway_lady

Let them off with their drama, the right thing to do is to stand by your sis. Being overly involved with relatives isn't a compulsory part of life and who needs this crew around. "the best party ever", im sure they don't have dozens to compare it to! Wallpaper the house with printouts of the bullying evidence if they persist, take your sis out for a night or a weekend and post the pics on fb captioned with "the REAL best party ever"! With distance you'll probably realise in a few weeks that relatives are not that much of a missing link in your weekly life.