Can the relationship be saved?

LegacyUser

Hopefully getting all this down in writing and getting some opinions will help...

I've been with my OH for six years, living together for three years. He has never been a particularly emotional kind of guy but he has told me he loved me from time to time and I always felt like he did through his actions. I'm not overly emotional myself but I would like a little more affection (which he has made some effort with) but ultimately I love him for who he is.

Whenever we talked about marriage I knew it wasn't a priority for him but he always said he saw it in our future and that it would happen. This is important to me; we agreed not to have kids, so essentially I see us as a family of two in the future, and I want the security of being his wife and not just his girlfriend.

As more and more friends have been getting engaged and married, the subject has come up a few times recently and he said 'trust me, I have a plan' so I believed that he was planning to propose. Then last week he had a freakout and asked how can we be certain that we're doing the right thing and that we're meant for each other. I told him that nothing is certain in life and that you choose to make a commitment based on your feelings for the person and the history you have, and how you see you future life together.

Anyway after a lot of soul-searching on both our parts, we both want to be together and make the relationship work. It seems his issues stem from him repressing his emotions and finding it hard to open up and trust someone completely. I'm just feeling really insecure at the moment because he told me that he doesn't know what love is but that he cares deeply about me, misses me when I'm not around and thinks about me a lot. He also can't even say that he loves his mother even though I know he does very much.

He says he needs to work on himself and has agreed to see a counsellor, which is something I never thought he would be willing to do. He says he still wants to be with me and that he believes our relationship is solid, and has asked that I give him some time to work through his issues and figure out why he's so afraid. He told me that the fact that he's hurting me, and the thought of me potentially leaving him over this, are making him feel physically sick.

I'm now worried that I could be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me and that we're doomed. There's a part of me telling me to run away now, but I don't want to throw away everything we had. Is this something that can be fixed?

LegacyUser

This is a a tough one. I was in a similar situation at one time myself. Long term relationship, it was at a standstill etc. I gave him a chance to work on our relationship and unfortunately he didnt make the effort so to speak and we ended up splitting up. I never regret giving him a second chance because otherwise I wouldnt have known if we both had tried everything to make it work.
I believe everyone deserves a second and I believe you should give him a chance to fix what's wrong if he lets you down or doesn't make the effort I would cut your losses. He may surprise you and really benefit from therapy but from personal experiences, he would want to go in with an open mind or no amount of therapy will help. Hope it works out for you

LegacyUser

I would give him a chance to improve things. I would ask him where he is going to counselling or ask can you bring him to it one day?
If he does not want to tell you who he is going to or for you to bring him there I would tell him that it is over. I am not saying that he is lying about going to counselling but you deserve to know that he is doing this.
I have known men in the past who say things to there girlfriends to keep them happy but they have no intention of marrying them or making changes to improve there relationships.

You mentioned in your post that you agreed not to have kids. Was this something that you were happy with or did you agree to this to keep him in your life?
If children are something you want I would be very honest with him.
After 6 years together you should be making long term plans. I would give him 6 months to move things on and unless things have changed by then I would tell him it is over.

LegacyUser

Thanks, I actually couldn't handle being in the same house with this hanging over us. I feel so insecure and he's not giving me any reassurance. So I told him we're on a break and I'm staying with a friend for a few days. I want this to work bit I deserve better treatment than this. It's just breaking my heart

Greenduck

I think that the best thing to do at the moment would be to put a little distance between the two of you. If you have somewhere where you can stay, go there for a couple of weeks and think about yourself for a change. It can be quite easy to get caught up in someone elses issues and in turn ignore yourself and what you want.

With a bit of distance it might then become a reality of what life would be like without you. He clearly loves you but seems to have problems expressing that and thats not your fault...or his probably. Going to counselling is the best thing for him at the moment but its a long process and he wont change overnight.

The next part of your relationship might take some patience and understanding from both sides. Communication is key.

best of luck OP

doubter

OP,
keep in mind that almost everyone defines Love in a different way, even as we age, the definition of Love changes.
So the next time he says to you he does not know what Love means or is, tell him what Love means or is to you. Open up to him, and show how much he means to you. It is risky, and you could get hurt.But, sin't it better to know now than later?
Also, looking at your statement that you 2 really want to be together, and that he's seeking counselling, gives me hope that this is certainly not a lost case.
Keep your heart open and try and gather the courage to open up yourself to him.Trust instigates trust.
Good luck.:-)

LegacyUser

doubter wrote: »

OP,
keep in mind that almost everyone defines Love in a different way, even as we age, the definition of Love changes.
So the next time he says to you he does not know what Love means or is, tell him what Love means or is to you. Open up to him, and show how much he means to you. It is risky, and you could get hurt.But, sin't it better to know now than later?
Also, looking at your statement that you 2 really want to be together, and that he's seeking counselling, gives me hope that this is certainly not a lost case.
Keep your heart open and try and gather the courage to open up yourself to him.Trust instigates trust.
Good luck.:-)

Totally this.

I'm in a relationship (both of us middle aged, me with 2 kids and 2 LTR's under my belt, him with no kids and no LTR's over 18 months till me) and the "love" word has never been said to me. And that took some getting over, as normally (expectedly!) the word goes with the territory of a significant and lasting relationship when commitments and a certain amount of mutual reassurance as to your future are in place.

OP, I believe from what you've said that you have a man who's actions speak louder than words. Who can't imagine a life without you. Who (like my man) is PETRIFIED by the word love, in case he tells a lie......Ooo-Oooooh! It's hard being with an honest man, but so rewarding eh?

I remember asking my man what love means to him, because to me, it means a companion to share the special times, intimacy (physically and emotionally attracted and able to show this), trust, respect and friendship. Turned out he could agree I was the woman for all that, but had some ideal wrapped up in the word "love" that was more of a teenage head-over-heels honeymoon class of thing (you know - the first part of most relationships) and when that settled down to a more established situation, he assumed he wasn't "in love" any more. Hmmm. I disagreed. And we're still happily together.

Don't be too hasty with the word "love" OP, or too hung up on your interpretation of it (or his). Essentially what you have must feel ENOUGH and RIGHT for you both, no matter what name you call it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, the last few especially really encouraged me.

However, this morning I had a brief chat with my OH where he told me that it feels weird without me and he feels sick for hurting me, but that he doesn’t feel hurt that I’m gone. And that he doesn’t think he can be in a relationship with me because I have stronger feelings than he does. He still acknowledges his issues and that “it’s not me, it’s him”.

We’ve agreed to stay on a break until the weekend and have a discussion then but I think I know where this is heading. I’m just in bits at the moment, I didn’t see it coming and I can’t believe the person who became my best friend and who I shared my life with will be gone. We live in his house which means I’ll have to move out, I can’t even face the thought of it.

LegacyUser

Feeling unsure wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, the last few especially really encouraged me.

However, this morning I had a brief chat with my OH where he told me that it feels weird without me and he feels sick for hurting me, but that he doesn’t feel hurt that I’m gone. And that he doesn’t think he can be in a relationship with me because I have stronger feelings than he does. He still acknowledges his issues and that “it’s not me, it’s him”.

We’ve agreed to stay on a break until the weekend and have a discussion then but I think I know where this is heading. I’m just in bits at the moment, I didn’t see it coming and I can’t believe the person who became my best friend and who I shared my life with will be gone. We live in his house which means I’ll have to move out, I can’t even face the thought of it.

Oh dear. Have you tried telling him he's full of sh1t?! And I'm not joking. After six years together without looking at the extent of his feelings for you, and now freaking out that you feel more strongly than he does....how does that hurt him/change things for him exactly?? The only thing up for question here is whether he wants to be in a relationship with you or out of one, because you are very clear about wanting to be with him.

Also, ok he's trying hard to analyse his feelings and is coming up with "he doesn't feel hurt that you're gone". Reality has not struck home for him OP - you're only gone out of each other's presence a few days and you're constantly having long soul searching talks. That's not "gone" at all. While you're still interacting this way, he hasn't faced up to his potential loss here. He'll need a push to go to a counsellor, and that may mean you not letting him use you as a sounding board.

OP, I feel very sorry for what you're going through. It's time for him to sh1t or get off the pot though and he needs a dose of reality, ie. TELL HIM "I can’t believe the person who became my best friend and who I shared my life with will be gone". Regardless of marriage, that's the bottom line here and he's stringing you along (possibly unintentionally) by putting the onus on you, ie. he doesn't feel he can be in a relationship where you feel stronger than him. Well, he has been. For the last six years. Ask him what has changed, and tell him you can take your own risks on that, thank you very much. His cold feet are down to him, not you.

Best of luck hon. Stay strong Xx

doubter

Sweetie,

I have always noticed that it takes a guy longer to miss someone.
There's a saying: you don't know what you've got til it's gone.
Give it time. X

Dial Hard

Feeling unsure wrote: »

However, this morning I had a brief chat with my OH where he told me that it feels weird without me and he feels sick for hurting me, but that he doesn’t feel hurt that I’m gone. And that he doesn’t think he can be in a relationship with me because I have stronger feelings than he does. He still acknowledges his issues and that “it’s not me, it’s him”.

This is going to sound harsh, but almost all of the time "It's not you, it's me" means "It is you". Nothing your boyfriend has said or done since his freakout last week suggests a person who is trying to work his way back into the relationship, I'm sorry to say.

I think you need to hope for the best but prepare for the worst, OP.

Wompa1

I could be your boyfriend going by that description. Even down to the seeing a counsellor. You know he loves you, that's obvious. The whole not knowing what love is, I say dumb sh1t like that too. I once told a girl I wasn't happy, I was content and that's fine with me..She also didn't take it well but I was speaking in a general sense. I'm fine with being content, I don't need to be a millionaire with a Ferrari but I'm dumb and speak what's on my mind.

But aside from that. It sounds like you're not getting what you want out of this relationship. He obviously is, he wants to be with you, he misses you when you're not there and he wants a future with you. If all of that isn't enough for you, then maybe it's time to move on.

From what you describe, he's always been the way he is and you fell in love with that. Now you want change....that means you no longer love who he is. I'd say move on.

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

I could be your boyfriend going by that description. Even down to the seeing a counsellor. You know he loves you, that's obvious. The whole not knowing what love is, I say dumb sh1t like that too. I once told a girl I wasn't happy, I was content and that's fine with me..She also didn't take it well but I was speaking in a general sense. I'm fine with being content, I don't need to be a millionaire with a Ferrari but I'm dumb and speak what's on my mind.

But aside from that. It sounds like you're not getting what you want out of this relationship. He obviously is, he wants to be with you, he misses you when you're not there and he wants a future with you. If all of that isn't enough for you, then maybe it's time to move on.

From what you describe, he's always been the way he is and you fell in love with that. Now you want change....that means you no longer love who he is. I'd say move on.

He's always been the way he is, and I was happy in our relationship. But he has always said that marriage was on the cards and that we had a future together, and now that's been thrown up in the air.

I don't want this to end but I know I deserve better.

Colser

Feeling unsure wrote: »

He's always been the way he is, and I was happy in our relationship. But he has always said that marriage was on the cards and that we had a future together, and now that's been thrown up in the air.

I don't want this to end but I know I deserve better.

...

Hi OP...I really feel for you as this is a really horrible situation to be in...He is breaking your heart and I know what pain and hurt this can cause....
I really think you are going to have to stick to your guns here as to continue as you were will leave you wondering what his real feelings are and that is very unfair on you.
From my experience (for what its worth) I went to absolute pieces for a long time BUT I eventually turned a corner and picked myself up and I think this totally surprised him.Now we were still living in the same house but there was a definite shift in power(hard to describe ).
We are in the early days for getting back together and the break up issue was different to yours but I think your guy may need a wake up call as to what he will lose if you leave him...sometimes people get so used to each other that they definitely start taking each other for granted and it can take a major step such as moving out(and keeping your distance on phone ect.) to make them appreciate what you mean to them.

If this isnt the case with your guy then at least you will have found out now rather later.It is a horrible thing to go through when you love him and it takes a long time to get over but you have to sort it out now QP or it will wreck your head and you deserve better than that.Take Care..

okiss

You are right you deserve better.
He told you that he want marriage but now he decides that he is not sure about how he feels about you - he will go to counselling but what does he expect you to do?
Does he expect you to wait for him to grow up or until he makes up his mind in regards to what he wants?

At this stage I would move out of his house. I know that this won't be easy for you but staying in his house is only making things harder for you.
The reality is that he needs to see that you are going to move on with with own life without him. I know several woman who ended long relationships because they wanted marriage/children and there boyfriends were quite happy to have a girlfriend/live together but were totally unwilling to make a long term commitment.

One of my friends was involved with a man like yours. Eventually he proposed to her. A few weeks before the wedding he told her he was not ready to get married. At this stage he had a good job, a nice place to live ect and a lot of this was due to the help she give him over a few years.
My friend went back out with him about 2 months after this but soon realised that nothing had changed. She moved on with her own life. She met up with friends, went on holidays, went on nights out ect.
She met a man later who wanted the same as her. She is now married with 2 children. I told you her story to show it is possible to move on and have the life you want. If this man can't realise what he has it is his loss not yours.
You deserve to have the life you want. I would not waste any more time with this man as he is unwilling/unable to change.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. We had the talk last night and it's over. I know it's for the best but it feels very very strange. I go from feeling like an idiot for being strung along for years, to being happy that I gave it my all.

tara73

you poor thing, you must feel horrible. virtual hug from here:)

I know it's hard to think in such ways when it's all very raw, but see the positive things in it, he admitted to it and in a way took responsibility because you are not getting married to a man now who doesn't really love you.
the road is open to find a partner who really loves you, who you can marry and have a happy marriage. you will find that:)

LegacyUser

OP here, sorry to dig up an old thread but i'm really struggling. It has been two months since the break up and I don't think things are getting any better. I'm still in total shock and disbelief that someone I loved and trusted, and who I felt so safe and secure with could do this to me.

I cry every day, I feel so much pain and I can't imagine a time when I won't feel it. I haven't got any proper answers. I ended up having a long chat with him last weekend to try to get some sort of closure and all he told me was "I wasn't in it anymore" and "I just didn't see a future" but I get nothing when I ask why, what changed? We were abroad for a wedding at the start of September and everything seemed great then, I asked him last weekend if he had any doubts at that point or if had any thoughts of doing this, and he said no. It wasn't something that was building for a while, he just suddenly realised there was no future.

I just don't understand how he could throw away a seven year relationship seemingly on a whim.

I haven't had a proper night's sleep since this happened. I get to sleep ok but always wake up really early in a panic with this stuff going round and round in my head. I am seeing a counsellor and it has helped a little but I still just feel so awful. I have college part time and I work with him which really doesn't help either. I just feel like I'm under so much pressure, my heart is broken and I don't know how I'm going to get through it.

beks101

Oh OP you poor pet. So sorry for what you're going through.

Rest assured you're not the first and you won't be the last to feel this way. Heartbreak is a particularly ugly beast, I liken it to a bereavement - except instead of the finality of death, you've lost this incredibly important person from your life and yet they're still right there, in the office, getting on with theirs.

It's horribly hurtful, painful and you can't cheat your way out of it - you just have to acknowledge it is there and the gamut of crazy emotions and highs and lows need to be sat through patiently and tolerated until you're in a place where you're ready to forge a new life for yourself that doesn't centre around this person. I promise you will get there - everyone always does.

The way I look at it is, if someone isn't capable of loving you the way you need to be loved, then there's no point them loving you at all. It's of no value, comfort or solace to you and will always have you on edge - does he feel anything for me? Am I a priority? Will we have a future together? Someone who really loves you won't let you doubt these things. Relationships are always hard work, filled with peaks and troughs, but they have to be built on a bedrock of love and respect or else they'll crumble at the first bend in the road.

How or why or when your ex's feelings changed is irrelevant: the only thing that matters now is that that bedrock did not exist and building a life without him now is saving you from the insecurity, pain, headfcuk and disappointment that such a relationship would have brought.

Take care of yourself, watch your physical health with a good diet and lots of exercise, keep visiting your counsellor and don't be afraid to confide in good friends and family too. You'll be grand, I can guarantee it x

Ann84

Sorry to read your story op...
A lot of us, me included just assume our relationship is just gonna keep on going and its a definite shock when it doesn't, but it is for the best, you deserve better!

Anyway, a friend of mine was in a very similar boat around 5 years ago...
And she freaked out (in a good way!)...
She moved to oz, packed everything up, job, college course, house the whole thing and is now married, in Perth!

Maybe this is a chance for you to do something you had never thought possible, start a completely new life,new hobbies, things you always wanted to do...
There is a big wide world of fun out there, we just have to get out there you know, I hope you get your mojo back soon... And hopefully one day you'll look back on this and think, this was the best thing that could have happened...

Tasden

Aw op I'm so sorry.
I know exactly how you're feeling, and its a lot more difficult to move on when you feel you haven't got closure or a reason. But thing is, you're probably not going to get that. He's told you basically that he just wasn't in it anymore. Its tough, I've been there, begging for just honesty and some kind of reasoning but sometimes there just is none. Its just that they felt that way and cant explain exactly why or when.

As for feeling better- I cried/howled/KNEW I wouldn't find anyone else because I'd only ever love him, i didn't want anyone else. Now, in the end this guy became pretty nasty and other stuff went on as there was house/child involved and we didn't get a clean break so I eventually saw his real colours which cured all that for me BUT I did fall in love again. Didn't think I ever would. But even before falling in love I got better on my own. Took baby steps. Couldn't even go to our local shop for weeks cause it reminded me of him, looking back i can only laugh but at the time it was horrible, i know how you feel! But eventually you do start getting on with things and then you look back at stuff and it doesn't feel so raw. And you start feeling excited about things in your future even if it doesn't involve him. And your life will feel complete again without him.

And then when the time does come for your next relationship everything you learned from this one will stand to your advantage. You'll know what you do and don't accept. Like I said, i fell in love again, and for reasons I wont go into, I ended up calling it a day because I had learned from my previous relationships what I wanted and what I didn't, and yeah it sucks but this time I can look back and know I got through a lot worse so this is nothing and I'll be fine, and you will too. That's actually one thing i remember when in your position, everyone would say "you'll be ok, you'll get over him" etc and i knew this logically but I wanted to be ok at that time, not in the future, but unfortunately there's no way to speed up the process, its something you just have to go through and you will be all the better for it I promise.

Look after yourself and talk to whoever will listen. Beks was spot on in her post so read that back and let it all sink in. You'll be grand

LegacyUser

Thank you beks101, Ann84 and Tasden for your replies and for sharing your experiences. You all speak a lot of sense. I know in my head that it will get better with time, but I’m just wondering how much time it’s going to take.

I think it’s hard because it was such a long relationship, we were so settled and happy (or so I thought) and then all of a sudden I get this bomb dropped on me out of nowhere. Even reading back over my initial post… I remember the afternoon I wrote it, sitting on the couch in the house which I thought was my home, our cat (which my then OH got for me after I moved in) curled up next to me… I had no idea that night would be the last night I would ever spend there. Why would I when he was still telling me he wanted to be with me, saw his future with me and was scared to lose me? I honestly thought we would get through it. Even reading some of the earlier replies saying he obviously loves me but can’t express it, and to give him time… I really did believe he loved me but clearly I was wrong. I thought time and space would bring him back but I was wrong there too.

I don’t have a great relationship with my parents (one has a mental illness and the other is in denial about it – my whole life I’ve felt like I was the one looking after two children) and I can’t stay with them even if I wanted to, so for the last couple of months I’ve actually been staying with a family member of my ex who I’m very close to. I know that probably sounds like a weird situation and I’m not sure how healthy it is for me in terms of trying to move on, but this person has been an absolute lifesaver to me in the last two months. I know I should probably move soon but I just don’t know where to go, I feel so lost. My ex was my support when I was dealing with all my family issues and we had always talked about how the two of us would be family. I just can’t understand what happened.

I know I need to stop thinking about him and his reasons and just focus on myself, but it’s so hard when it makes no sense.

Sorry for all these long posts and thank you to anyone who has replied or will reply, I really appreciate it. I think posting here just helps me to get it all out and hopefully not go crazy.

I'm sorry OP, it's a horrible thing to go through. It sounds like he just freaked out and maybe he does have issues but you can't worry about that now. You deserve more.

I'm not sure about your living situation. On the one hand it's good to have someone supportive around, especially given your family situation. But will it make it harder to move on? It's a tough one.

I know it feels horrendous at the moment but you will get through it. Take care of yourself.

Pomplamousse

Sorry to hear what you're going through OP.
Re your living situation, would you look into moving into a house share? I don't think it's healthy to be living with your ex's family member but it would be good to still have people around you at home.

Greenduck

Ugh god how I remember that ache, that sickness that wont go away. You have a moment when you wake up where you cant remember the pain and before you know it, it's there again. Like a dull ache through your heart.

OP, I've been there as many others. I tried my best in the relationship and gave it 100% but got back nothing. I read forum after forum hoping I would find some miracle answer to help me get over him or something that would at least make me feel better. Nothing did and the weeks went on as I got lonelier and more desperate to hear from him. I did hear from him and he regretted his decision but I knew in my heart I couldnt be with someone who had put me through so much. Someone who had torn my heart in two..he had, in my eyes, broken me and our relationship. I couldnt look at him in the same way.

Now is the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidentally. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow)

So how did I get over him? A lot of walks, talks, tea, holidays and chats with Mam. I have an amazing group of friends and family who basically nursed me back to emotional and physical health. It took bloody ages but as the months went on the hurt started to ease. To really move on is like giving up smoking. You need no contact, a complete detox of him from your life. No phone calls, texts, facebook friends the lot. A holiday helps if you can. Talk to other men, even if it makes you feel sick. Laugh with whoever you can. Plan things, buy new clothes, get a haircut. ANYTHING to keep your mind occupied. It took me an entire year to get over him and try to start dating again, even at that point it was still difficult.

All of a sudden, one day,you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your phone for a text or a call. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

Try and remember the person you were before your ex and try your best to get her back. Best of luck OP x

LegacyUser

Greenduck thank you so much for your reply, you're right it's like an ache that's always with you. I'm glad you're doing so well now. Well done on being strong when your ex came back, if that was to happen to me (which I'm not expecting) I really don't know what I'd do.

I stupidly started looking over old texts today, and reading over them just reminded me how happy we were. I honestly do believe that he loved me (right up until very recently) so it just feels like such a shame and such a waste. It really is like a switch went off or something.

LegacyUser

OP, think how much worse this could have been if you hadn't found out the truth now. It might have dragged on for another 6 years or more. You might have progressed to marriage & now you'd be asking about the ins& outs of divorce. You might have had children together.
So be grateful for the opportunity to start afresh, on a clean slate as it were, with nothing to tie you to this man for the rest of your life.