People = Danger

LegacyUser

Hi, the thread tittle is the simplest way I could think of explaining my issue, although it probably sounds a bit over the top. At the jist of it, I don't really trust people and have built a pretty robust defensive wall since well, forever. I'm in my twenties now, and whilst I do have friends, have had relationships and want to believe in people, I feel in perpetual conflict between nature and nurture.

I grew up in a pretty chaotic household, so got all the baggage that brings with it. I witnessed psychotic behaviour, violence and a handful of times got hit myself. Garda were involved and the HSE, although no one from either of them actually ever talked to me. I became increasingly quiet and did not bring problems home, although fell behind in school and tbh I don't think some teachers helped. I developed a minor speech impediment and got some flack from other children regularly for that. My brother, who is on the autism spectrum, got publicly bullied often by large groups of kids.

By the time I got to secondary school, things were pretty rough, I sorted the speech impairment but as I was pretty quiet, attracted some physical bullying and was randomly attacked by older students, putting me in hospital. Again teachers seemed a bit useless and I eventually learned to start fighting back instead. That worked and it all ended.

My area is a bit dodgy occasionally, got mugged a couple of times, knife/needle to the throat, punched etc, Garda were useless.

By the time I got to college, I was pretty social, had a decent amount of friends and had a relationship, although after a while that turned abusive and I got hit a few times. I also had a GF sexually assaulted by an off duty Garda known to the family, she would not report it and others she told whilst angry, did nothing. She made me swear not to take action.

I've worked with young kids professionally, while most were great, you remember the bad ones, and some were bad, as in threatening that if they did not get their way, they'd report you for hitting them (ofc I did not and was in public sight the complete time, so was safe). One even threw a kick once. As for coworkers, i've witnessed people doing wrong (including illegal acts) and no one else would seemingly act as whistleblowing would hurt their own interests.

Somewhere along the line, I developed an anxiety problem, went to a doctor, had little money at the time and so could not afford a psychiatrist, but deemed not bad enough to be afforded a public one so was prescribed some pills. Eventually I went to a psychiatrist privately, but never really trusted them and he got a promotion shortly after and left.

So now i'm in a bit of a bind, I trust a doc to analyse me perhaps, but since I don't really trust people, how can that relationship work? We got to that question with the last doc and he got a better job (fair play, but left me up a creak without a paddle). I had already took a leap of faith going as I see it, as I was brought up to believe you fend for yourself and never look for help or share your problems.

I looked for help, the public system pied me in the face and did not do much to discredit my distrust in others. Part of me thinks, maybe people are just for the most part completely self interested, this is the ral world and crap happens, good people watch on more often then not.

But a bit of me obviously still wants to believe that I don't have to be hypervigilant and that trusting, healthy relationships aren't a fabrication.

Semele

It makes complete sense that you have grown up to be mistrustful of others. Our brains are very highly attuned to threat and repeated exposure to threatening situations over time affects the way you perceive and process situations/other people, meaning that you are left with what is essentially an over-active warning response that makes you feel unsafe even now that you are not.

I think you would do well to seek therapy, ideally with a clinical psychologist. Psychiatry and medication are helpful in getting the anxiety symptoms under control, but you also need to engage in therapy in order to work out how much your experiences have affected your personality development and to be supported to take control of things in a way that feels empowering and meaningful to you. Therapy isn't a particularly comfortable experience for a lot of people, but in addition to the things you will learn about yourself, the therapeutic relationship also gives you a chance to let your guard down in a safe environment and practice being more open to letting others in. You practice the things you learn in real time.

In the meantime I'd like to recommend a book called The Compassionate Mind, by Prof. Paul Gilbert. It explains the evolutionary role of anxiety/threat and how it can come to overshadow other driving forces. The book has exercises that you can do in your own time to learn to get your anxiety back under control by strengthening the other pathways in your brain, in particular the ones that deal with social connections and feelings of safety/contentment. The book may be a good way of working up to talking to someone about your difficulties again.

Rubberchikken

i always believe the world is a good place filled with lots of good people, yet i'm still very cagey about trusting anyone.
the way i see it, a person has to look after themself, but must, in times of need, reach out and take a chance.

speak to your gp. if that doesn't get you anywhere, speak to another gp. one of them will be fine and will help you to talk to a professional that will listen and help.

you've experienced a lot of things that would naturally shake any trust you have, but it seems to me you're still holding on to enough to manage, and that's great.

it is sad to see bad things happen, and even sadder when no one is strong enough to stand up and say something, but for your sake now, you must learn to let these things go.
continue on with your life and try to get the best out of it that you can.

take care.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies and kind words, i'll check out the book suggestion as well!

I should clarify, the psychiatrist I saw was clinical and we did some CBT, then he moved up in the world mid therapy. The CBT was good for making me more self aware of some behaviors, although it is hard work as I constantly felt at odds with myself, rationally I know for my own good I need to wade through it all, crap as it may be, but another part of me, the natural defense I guess you could call it, has every klaxon siren going off, it is like challenging what got me this far in life, maybe even my identity of who I am and then taking a leap of faith.

So when the doc got a promotion mid therapy after I took the plunge again, I can rationally understand that is life, but I felt let down (again!). How many leaps of faith must one take. feck it, I want to believe and know I should do it for my own good, but this world we live in does not make it half easy. How can you trust doctors when your their business and you aren't the best judge of character?