Undecided about a girl

LegacyUser

Okay so I am in my late twenties and a few week ago I was out with a few of my friends and I got chatting to this one girl who was friend of a friend and we agreed to meet up for drinks. We have since met up 3 times, I spent one night in her place (nothing happened) and she has told me some really personal about herself which kinda scare me.

She told me she used to lead on guys just to get free stuff.
Dated not so nice guys to make her feel like better about herself.
She has had a lot of sexual partners.
I think she has had an unwanted pregnancy from stuff she had told me but I am just guessing.

She is only in her early twenties I don't know why she wanted to tell me all of the above. I do like the way she is being honest with me but still the whole sexual partners thing I actually didn't want to talk about it she kept digging for my number (very low, I'm not so good with the ladies) and when I told her she told me about her one.

She is a student and not earning any money but she has asked me how much money I earn and while I tell most of my mates from Uni and family my salary I didn't answer that question. I have also paid for everything each time we met up (not that much money) while I don't mind as she is a student but I would still like if she offered to pay.

Any time I see a photo of her I am not totally gone on her but she looks a bit better in person.

I think she wants something serious after being hurt before by other guys but TBH I am not sure if I do or not. Something casual would be something I would like but I don't think that is on the table. I have gone on the dates just to see how things develop but I wonder should I say something now before its too serious.

To add to all of this there is another girl I like as well.

Completely lost on what to do? Advice?

Tokyo

You haven't done anything wrong, but you need to be honest with her about your feelings before this goes any further. You say that you get the impression that she is looking for something serious - a commitment from you - and you say that you are not willing to enter into something like that. So you need to tell her that as soon as possible. Sure, she may be a little hurt by that, but it's far better than leading her down a path of expectation, where she sees commitment on the horizon, while you are only looking for a casual fling.

The rest of the story (her telling you personal info, you paying for the dates, not being too gone on her looks-wise) has no bearing on the above other than to highlight even more why you shouldn't lead her on.

ManOfMystery

To be fair to the girl, she has been quite honest about some things which would leave a sour taste in the mouth of most prospective partners - so she must think there is some potential between you. However that honesty is then given a kick in the teeth by her asking how much you earn, which is not only a bit rude but should have no bearing on any future relationship between you.

None of us can say for sure if she would be an amazing partner for you, or if a leopard never changes its spots and she'd end up wrecking your head - it's a risk. Personally I'd run though, she seems to be trying to be more mature about her behaviour but isn't really there yet.

tinz18

To be honest you don't seem that gone on her. I get that sometimes attraction grows once you get to know someone but if what she's telling you now scares you maybe she's not the gal for you. Generally things get deeper the longer you date someone and she could have a lot more scary details to divulge. As for the number- I wouldn't pass any heed, know plenty of girls who have very high numbers who have settled down and are in happy LTRs now.
I would say asking your earnings is a bit much- there's a thread on AH about that and its a contentious issue even between long term partners...but that's me personally- I find it a bit nosy.
If its a case that ye're on different pages, you need to put her straight and soon. If you don't want a serious relationship tell her and lay out what that entails. I have a friend who was in limbo for months because the guy was debating over whether he wanted her or his ex...not a nice situation to put someone in and the fact that you're worrying about that makes you sound like a decent enough guy.

skallywag

Lost321 wrote: »

She told me she used to lead on guys just to get free stuff

This alone would make me very wary of her, could be a good sign of her attitude and tendencies in general further down the road were ye to get together properly.

Lalealynn

Honestly it sounds as if you don't like her much and she does not sound like the nicest person. You seem to not really be too pushed anyway even if she has changed.

Ilikepickles

sounds like a complete gold digger. I'd cut her out if I were you..

deanylkl

Lost321 wrote: »

Okay so I am in my late twenties and a few week ago I was out with a few of my friends and I got chatting to this one girl who was friend of a friend and we agreed to meet up for drinks. We have since met up 3 times, I spent one night in her place (nothing happened) and she has told me some really personal about herself which kinda scare me.

She told me she used to lead on guys just to get free stuff.
Dated not so nice guys to make her feel like better about herself.
She has had a lot of sexual partners.
I think she has had an unwanted pregnancy from stuff she had told me but I am just guessing.

She is only in her early twenties I don't know why she wanted to tell me all of the above. I do like the way she is being honest with me but still the whole sexual partners thing I actually didn't want to talk about it she kept digging for my number (very low, I'm not so good with the ladies) and when I told her she told me about her one.

She is a student and not earning any money but she has asked me how much money I earn and while I tell most of my mates from Uni and family my salary I didn't answer that question. I have also paid for everything each time we met up (not that much money) while I don't mind as she is a student but I would still like if she offered to pay.

Any time I see a photo of her I am not totally gone on her but she looks a bit better in person.

I think she wants something serious after being hurt before by other guys but TBH I am not sure if I do or not. Something casual would be something I would like but I don't think that is on the table. I have gone on the dates just to see how things develop but I wonder should I say something now before its too serious.

To add to all of this there is another girl I like as well.

Completely lost on what to do? Advice?

Um, take a chance on door b.

beks101

OP, just because a woman shows you a bit of attention does not mean you are indebted to having some sort of relationship with her. Do you understand that?

I get the sense that you don't, and perhaps due to your relative lack of experience with the ladies, you think it's upon you now to forge ahead with this woman who you don't appear to like physically or personality-wise.

Any time I see a photo of her I am not totally gone on her but she looks a bit better in person

These are not the words of someone who is sexually attracted to someone else. Nor is a drop-down list of 'things that she said that scared me'. Those things just suggest you should find the nearest exit, and not play along with any further dates lest you get rail-roaded into something you are quite clearly uncomfortable with.

Tell her you're not interested in a relationship and cut contact. Do it today.

upandcumming

Stay away OP. You don't need this drama.

Yurt2

Lost321 wrote: »

She told me she used to lead on guys just to get free stuff.

Red flag, run like hell.

Lost321 wrote: »

Dated not so nice guys to make her feel like better about herself.

I suppose she's a 'nice girl'? exhibit A (above) tells me she knows precisely how to play the game. Translation: Men are a utility for her to feel good about herself.

Lost321 wrote: »

She has had a lot of sexual partners.

Not a problem in and of itself, but the fact she seems to think of men as livestock means that this woman will not be loyal and you'll end up burned.

My conclusion: Likely personality disorder. Exhibits signs of highly manipulative behavior and brags about it.

Probably ok to go out and have fun with, but not someone you should put your trust in.

MaryMay and Bobby

Go for the OTHER girl you like! Stay away from this one. She sounds like trouble. Old habits die hard so even if she does want a serious relationship after all she's been through (I don't think she does) she'll tend to gravitate to wanting to use guys for their money. Why else would she ask how much you make so soon?

And of top of everything, there's too much baggage. Not worth it! Move on, mate. Go for the girl you like. I don't know why you're even any thought to this girl.

DoYouEvenLift

Two options:

A) You're looking for a respectable partner for an actual relationship and disregard this girl as she does not fit that criteria
You find her sexually attractive and keep it strictly sexual until you move on/find a girl.

Bit of a tangeant rant here but It's funny how the high number of sexual partners works in a massive double standard but a justifiable one at that. Women who have a high number are undesirable as it shows they're easy but men who have a high number are, or at least can be desirable to some women, as it shows they're generally attractive and a lot of women can find attraction in what others find attraction alone. Also, you'll rarely find any women who have a high number open about it as obviously they're not confident about being seen as what a lot of people would describe as easy (i.e. sluts) and for this reason you wonder why they even have a high number if this is the case. But to be totally honest, the ironic part of it all are women who actually are confident and open about their high numbers are considered arrogant over something that isn't exactly hard to achieve as a woman. The reason for this can be easily summed up with a silly, but relevant analogy, "A key that can open many locks is called a master key, but a lock that can be opened by many keys is a ****ty lock." For a woman to get laid consistently, all she has to do is basically just choose whichever guy she wants and chances are, if she's ~5/10 or above, the guy will be willing. But for a man to get laid consistently he either has to be legitimately 8/10+ and charismatic and charming or else an otherwise average guy who is charismatic, charming, funny, confident, in good shape, well maintained and groomed, financially stable etc. etc...and that's most often before he even 'gets to take her out on a date', which HE'LL usually pay for.

Oh, the dating world. Funny place to be.