Girlfriend kissed by stranger

Confused2112

Ok so you have heard something like this a thousand times but here it goes.
I found out that while my girlfriend was out drinking with her friend she got really drunk. Now while dancing some guy grabbed her and kissed her. She said she was I'm shock and it took a couple of seconds to react and pushed him away.
Her friend told him she was in a relationship but he was cocky. Now this happened a long time ago. We have been together for 10 years but she never told me. If found out off someone else. She said she didn't tell me as she thought I would leave. My question is am I overreacting has anyone else been through this?

Oryx

You are overreacting. It was:

Not her fault.
A long time ago.

Let it go.

eyescreamcone

You're overreacting.

Fat Christy

Not a big deal, let it go.

peejay1986

My opinion on this would be that, so long as it hasn't happened since then you should be inclined to believe her. She's been with you 10 years and within that time things happen. Give her the benefit of the doubt as you don't really have anything else to go on. It's only natural that she'd be nervous of telling you. It could be seen as a compliment that she was scared of losing you.

Also, I'd say this would be better placed in another forum. One relating to personal issues or relationships. Either way, hope it goes well for you.

Boards.ie: Niamh

Moved to Relationship Issues, their charter now applies.

Confused2112

Confused2112 wrote: »

My question is am I overreacting has anyone else been through this?

Impossible to say if you are over reacting because your post says nothing about what your reaction is and/or was.

How did you react when told?
How are you reacting now?
What do you feel / think about the issue?

Until we know what your reaction is - how are we to tell if it is an over or under reaction?

Confused2112

Thank you. This I my first time on here and wasn't sure where to place it.
Thanks for you advice.

Confused2112

When I found out I was angry that she didn't tell me upset for the same reason.
Now I'm not sure how I feel.
I don't want to throw the last 10 years away but it's all I think about now and it's driving me crazy.

CaraMay

She probably didn't tell you because it's a non issue. A guy forced himself on her and she pushed him away. How is it her fault?

Who told you years later anyway and why?

Confused2112

CaraMay wrote: »

She probably didn't tell you because it's a non issue. Who told you years later anyway and why?

I found out off a friend. It happened in a club I worked in.

MagicMarker

Assuming she's telling the truth then I wouldn't worry about it. The fact she wasn't truthful about it in the first place would make me question how honest she's being now though.

CaraMay

Confused2112 wrote: »

I found out off a friend. It happened in a club I worked in.

So why would they tell you years later? What's their motivation?

Initial reactions to things are natural so I would not be too upset in your position that you were initially angry. Communication is - for me - the single most important thing in my relationship and I would be less upset by my girlfriends cheating on my 5 times and telling me about it - than I would had one of them cheated on my once and never told me and I found out some other way.

But that is just me. And perhaps you too. It comes down to how much you value communication in your relationship. But I can well imagine that - despite this being ancient history and a long time ago - that it could easily fill you with thoughts of "Well if she did not tell me this - and I only found out by accident when I should not have - what ELSE is she not telling me???". And no matter how far back in history the actual event was - thoughts like that are not pretty. And only _you_ can decide now if you still trust her - or can continue to trust her going forward. No one on this forum can decide that for you.

Your choice now it seems comes down to:

1) Build a bridge and get over it and move on.
2) Talk to her about how you are feeling - make it clear to her that communication and openness is key for you above all things - explain not that you are hurt and angry and confused but -why- you are. And see if she understands where you are coming from and gives you the kind of feedback that will make you feel like you can trust her going forward again.
3) Walk away from the relationship.

I myself would go for 2 in your position. And a lot of it. And the results of it, and how I feel after it, would decide for me if I wanted to do 1 or 3.

But no I would not call any of this an "over reaction". Screaming your head off - smashing up plates - storming out of the house - that would be an over reaction. Simply having emotions - some doubts you need to work through and resolve - and wanting to know how to move forward from here - none of that is an over reaction.

But do remember - that when an experience like that happens that seems trivial to her - was not initiated by her - seems like telling you about it might simply make a mountain out of a mole hill - many people do feel moved keep silent. Her silence might not be dishonesty motivated but simply "This was nothing - but if I tell him about it it might turn into _something_ when it should not. So why risk that? It happened - lets let it go - forget it - move on". As I said above communication is key for me so I would always prefer people tell me this stuff - but I can well understand the motivations and reasons why someone might NOT talk.

Confused2112

CaraMay wrote: »

So why would they tell you years later? What's their motivation?

I'm assuming she is trying to break us up but I don't think I will ever know.

DoctorBoo

This sounds like assault. You should be comforting your girlfriend (she's been through a traumatic experience) rather than reassessing your relationship.

Confused2112

MagicMarker wrote: »

Assuming she's telling the truth then I wouldn't worry about it. The fact she wasn't truthful about it in the first place would make me question how honest she's being now though.

This is the main issue. Can I believe what she says is the truth.

CaraMay

DoctorBoo wrote: »

This sounds like assault. You should be comforting your girlfriend (she's been through a traumatic experience) rather than reassessing your relationship.

I agree. It happened to her.

Not a great friend op if they are ****stirring like this. Bottom line is she did nothing wrong yet you are blaming her. That's not the action of a good partner.

Does she ever hide stuff or lie to you? If so, why are you with her? If not, why don't you trust her?

Confused2112

DoctorBoo wrote: »

This sounds like assault. You should be comforting your girlfriend (she's been through a traumatic experience) rather than reassessing your relationship.

I wanted to find him but they both said he was a stranger and haven't seen him again

Confused2112

CaraMay wrote: »

I agree. It happened to her.

Not a great friend op if they are ****stirring like this. Bottom line is she did nothing wrong yet you are blaming her. That's not the action of a good partner.

Does she ever hide stuff or lie to you? If so, why are you with her? If not, why don't you trust her?

How am I blaming her? Have I said I have been shouting smashing things? I asked for advice. If I was blaming her then I wouldn't be asking for advice as I would be single.

Fat Christy

How early on in the relationship did this happen? If you only just began seeing each other she may not have wanted to bring it up in case she rocked the boat.

Has she lied to you before?

I don't see it as a huge issue to be honest. I would tell my bf but I tell him everything anyway, it wouldn't really be an issue. Even if the tables were turned I wouldn't be phased by it because it's not like either of us had control over the situation or could have prevented it.

DoctorBoo

Confused2112 wrote: »

How am I blaming her? Have I said I have been shouting smashing things? I asked for advice. If I was blaming her then I wouldn't be asking for advice as I would be single.

Just be aware that the victims of assault will often feel confused and ashamed. This might explain your girlfriend's behaviour.

LegacyUser

This same situation happened to me in Liverpool, some dude just landed on me and I pushed him away, really p!ssed off about it.

I never told my fella because what's to tell? It would only have angered him (not at me, the chap who threw himself at me) so yes, I think you should drop it. Not her fault!

Confused2112

Fat Christy wrote: »

How early on in the relationship did this happen? If you only just began seeing each other she may not have wanted to bring it up in case she rocked the boat.

Has she lied to you before?

I don't see it as a huge issue to be honest. I would tell my bf but I tell him everything anyway, it wouldn't really be an issue. Even if the tables were turned I wouldn't be phased by it because it's not like either of us had control over the situation or could have prevented it.

It was a year and half into our relationship. And yes she lied before. She was out drinking with her father and came home unable to stand and told me she slept with someone else. I put her to bed and waited until the next day to find out what happened. She said she lied and nothing happened and she was with her dad all night but that has stuck in my head ever since.

CaraMay

Confused2112 wrote: »

I wanted to find him but they both said he was a stranger and haven't seen him again

I ding understand why you wanted to find him? Maybe your gf suspected this would be your reaction and didn't tell you because of this?

Do you really think she scored on a night out with her dad?

Op you are coming across as very very suspicious here. Yoû are with her ten years!?!?

Confused2112

CaraMay wrote: »

I ding understand why you wanted to find him? Maybe your gf suspected this would be your reaction and didn't tell you because of this?

Do you really think she scored on a night out with her dad?

Op you are coming across as very very suspicious here. Yoû are with her ten years!?!?

Well he would get a beating for assaulting her.

Do I think she scored? I honestly don't know. Why say it if it didn't happen?

And what do you mean suspicious?

RedXIV

Confused2112 wrote: »

Well he would get a beating for assaulting her.

That's probably it in a nutshell. She doesn't want you getting into trouble over something like this. If she's been with you this long she probably knows how you will react and trying to dish out a beating is a stupid move.
You will either
A) beat the guy senseless and probably have charges brought against you
have an even fight and still get left with a couple of injuries
C) get the Crap kicked out of you because let's face it you know nothing about this guy.

You sound a tad hot-headed/insecure OP. She may have just said nothing because in her mind it was nothing. Or possibly to prevent you from going over the top

Taltos

Confused2112 wrote: »

Well he would get a beating for assaulting her.

OK OP - we are closing this thread.
With the above post we have 2 choices - infract you or close the thread. As you are a new poster here I am taking the second option.

Saying that - please ensure you read the charter of each forum you post in. Some like here have zero tolerance (or close to it) for rule breaches.

I am hoping you have the answer you need but as of now we cannot let this thread continue.