Guy who rejected me back on the radar...

LegacyUser

Hi,

I’ll get straight to it. Met a guy via an online dating site a few months ago. We texted and talked over the phone constantly for about two weeks before meeting up. Went on a first date, he spent the night with me (no sex, though we did kiss and spoon etc..) - he was travelling in from elsewhere to meet me so we had arranged this before meeting up.

Got on well and I really enjoyed spending time with him. He seemed to as well, v affectionate and sweet etc - until the next morning when he seemed to sort of go cold. Had an awkward goodbye and in subsequent texts I asked him if he just wasn’t feeling it…he said he wasn’t. Fine. A bit of a slap in the face and I was a bit hurt given the lead up to it, but whatever, that’s dating.

I moved on, deleted from fb and his number etc - had all but forgotten him until he popped up on my phone a few days ago. ‘Random but was reading some guy’s newspaper over his shoulder this morning and thought of you! I hope you’re well x” I wasn’t even going to reply, but eventually did out of sheer curiosity and he’s been texting constantly since. Asking how I am, what’s new, and yesterday he asked me out again.

I couldn’t ignore the complete weirdness of the situation so blatantly probed him on why he was contacting out of the blue after the way things were left last time, he said he just thought of me and didn’t have any real answer beyond that. Said he was going through some stuff when we met up, I asked him what, he said “ex stuff”. I asked him if he was just looking for a friendship here, he said “I still fancy you..” “Sorry for not texting earlier” etc.

I’m just slightly puzzled by the whole thing. Haven’t committed to anything with him. I think I felt so rejected last time that the hurt of that shut off all my feelings towards him, and I’m reluctant to get into another situation where I get invested and end up let down.

Just for context, I don’t get the feeling this guy is a total player. He was sweet, gentlemanly and seemed genuine when I met him, which made the next morning confusing when he seemed to just shut down to me. I felt there was something there, which is why the rejection stung quite a bit.

What’s he up to? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?

Tokyo

If he wasn't 'feeling it' a few months ago, then what has suddenly changed? Was it a genuine blooper on his part and he's kicking himself now for not giving you a chance, or perhaps the girl he did choose gave him the runaround and now you are good enough again? Or is it somewhere in between, and he's just lonely for company, and if so, what's to stop him from doing the same to you again?

Ultimately you know this guy - we don't. So you have to decide whether it's worth taking the chance or not. But have you asked him bluntly why he want's to get back in the picture again? And no. 'I was thinking of you' isn't an answer. I'd need something more concrete than that if I were to consider giving anybody a second chance, personally. Otherwise I'd walk away.

ManOfMystery

It's hard to say. He could be telling the truth, and there could be some future there for you guys ...................or he could be one of these people who can never decide what they want and will string you along whilst they try and work it out. If there was 'ex stuff', he may have felt it was easier to just say he wasn't feeling it than dump a load of reasons/excuses on someone he's only had one date with.

Either way, I'm of the opinion that everyone deserves a second chance, so maybe go on another date? Just go with your eyes wide open and with no expectations; it's a fun night out and if it ends up that he is still indecisive and it doesn't go anywhere, then you're no better or worse off than you were.

stargazer 68

Oh OP been there and have all those t-shirts!! I agree with MOM - go on another date with him however I would suggest a coffee in the afternoon rather than a night out - no chance of him spending the night then and you will get a better idea of what his intentions are

LegacyUser

Didn't fancy you, looked for other options, they didn't come, back to you would be my guess. One way or another, he wants to have you dangling for when he fancies it. Have some respect for yourself, tell him to jog on.

LegacyUser

Thanks Mike.ie. I did try to ask those questions last night and was a bit thrown by his complete lack of any solid answer. All I got was “Like I said, I just thought of you the other day”, “I don’t know what to say”, “should we just leave it?” “are you OK with me texting you?” and a “sorry for not texting earlier” and then of course the “ex stuff”.

Obviously there is the worry I’m the fallback girl or he’s just lonely etc, but I’m just torn on the whole thing. If I felt I had made a mistake with shooting someone down in the same way I’d have some pretty concrete thoughts on the whole thing and would make damn sure I explained myself, I just don’t get that he doesn’t. And at the same time, I don’t want to be drawn into some big emotional conversation with him, lest the feelings I had for him come back and I’m left high and dry again.

I guess at this point I’m more ‘intrigued’ than caught up in this situation as I genuinely don’t know what to make of him. And there’s actually another guy I’m interested in occupying my thoughts (though he’s overseas so every chance nothing comes of it!) Just don’t know what quite to do with this guy. Meet up with him and see how it goes? Keep my guard up and just see what he has to say for himself?

Buona Fortuna

Let me preface this by saying I'm just a guy on the internet.

He wasn't into you before. I'd be looking for some pretty darn good explanation of that before getting involved again - something a little less cliched than "Ex and stuff".

My thoughts. He has reached a gap in his social calender and while he doesn't see you as Miss Right, he's fine with Miss Rightnow.

I'd steer clear - but then you were there you know maybe I've misread it.

I do wish you well OP

Tokyo

You have legitimate concerns as to why he has suddenly appeared back on the radar. He has said nothing to assuage those concerns. That should tell you something IMO.

Merkin

Oh good Lord stay clear. You're a stop gap. I'd say he's hedging so many bets his head is in a spin. He disregarded you last time and now that he's at a loose end or needs an ego boost he figures you're a safe bet. I've so many dating stories I could write a book and I'm telling you that his behaviour is NOT the behaviour of someone who is genuinely interested. Tell him you're too busy washing your hair (which is about the same length as Repunzel's hair so should take you about a year:D)

Grandpa Hassan

Merkin wrote: »

Oh good Lord stay clear. You're a stop gap. I'd say he's hedging so many bets his head is in a spin. He disregarded you last time and now that he's at a loose end or needs an ego boost he figures you're a safe bet. I've so many dating stories I could write a book and I'm telling you that his behaviour is NOT the behaviour of someone who is genuinely interested. Tell him you're too busy washing your hair (which is about the same length as Repunzel's hair so should take you about a year:D)

Alternatively, people can make a mistake. Maybe he has realised that he messed up. A lot of assumptions being made here based presumably on people being burned in the past. My relationship with the girl I have now been with for 3 years and who I will likely marry started in a not dissimilar way to this.....we slept together drunkenly, I had some other issues, left it way too long to get back in touch.....but we ended up meeting up and the rest is history.

OP, meet him for a coffee and see what the story is in person. People text too much these days....its impossible to actually know other than in person

Dial Hard

Has he actually asked you out again? If not, I think you have your answer.

Tilly

I’d give him the benefit of doubt, people deserve second chances. Go on a date but have your wits about you and see what kind of vibe you get from him. A daytime date would be a good idea like someone suggested.

fergie24

If you want to give him a another chance then i second the the day time date as others have said. But dont end back in his place and dont end back in your place with him. You wont be long finding out if he is still interested in you after or was just interested getting the leg over so to speak.

skallywag

If the ex-stuff stuff is genuine then he may also be; i.e. if he had broken up with someone shortly before, then he could naturally have struggled to get things to click, even though he may still have found you attractive.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the advice.

Yes he asked me out again. I could see it building in the text messages, what was I up to, was I busy etc, then just outright said "would it be completely out of order if I asked you out again?"

Grandpa Hassan wrote: »

OP, meet him for a coffee and see what the story is in person. People text too much these days....its impossible to actually know other than in person

I think I'll be going with this. I think the last time I got too emotionally invested in this guy who I really had only met once because of all the texting etc. I don't feel as vulnerable this time as my feelings have dissipated and I'm more curious than anything.

I've been burnt as much as anyone else on the dating scene, I've learned some hard lessons about protecting myself etc and I'm no idiot, but I feel in this case I simply can't gauge anything via text. I need to sit in front of him and decipher the situation. And I don't feel like I have anything to lose this time.

I won't get to meet him for a week as I'm out of town with work but will update on what I find

Taltos

If you do meet him - have "plans" for say a set time - no matter what you can't break those plans... Just to avoid the drag out lets for a few drinks and then back to yours / his. Fair dues to giving him a second chance, he could have made a genuine mistake, but I doubt it, chances are there was or is someone else in the mix and right now he needs his ego stroked for want of a better term.

CaraMay

Why bother op? All you are teaching him is that he can drop you whenever he wants and he can pick up back up again. 'Ex stuff'?!?!?

Don't waste the hour out of your life meeting this guy. He won't be the love of your life.

TheBeardedLady

Guessed wrote: »

Didn't fancy you, looked for other options, they didn't come, back to you would be my guess. One way or another, he wants to have you dangling for when he fancies it. Have some respect for yourself, tell him to jog on.

You don't know that for sure though. Some people genuinely can't get into stuff because of bad timing.

I'd head on a date and see what the craic is. Sounds as if you've your head screwed on, so keep it screwed on and be careful.

Dixie Chick

To be honest it sounds like he liked you before but spooning etc was too much for him and he thought it was going to devlop into a relationship with you and he didn't want it. Chances are he still wont so by meeting him and questioning him on his disappearance...he prob will run anyway!

Stavro Mueller

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt too but don't move things on too quickly. To me it sounds naive that you brought him home and spooned after the first date. What would you have done if you'd not liked him at all? Where was he going to stay?

The risk you run now is that he's thinking spooning on a first date may lead on to sex on the second one. Be on your guard.

Katgurl

I'm surprised nobody else has mentioned you arranged for him to stay over before you met him. Or I am misunderstanding? What if you didn't like him at all - was he still going to sleep over with you?

Anyway, that's not the query here. I'd say it's not a great start but to put your mind at rest, meet him in the afternoon and see how things go - make sure to take things slowly!

Big Bag of Chips

I think you can strip all this back, and just ask yourself one question - do you want to meet him?
Forget everything else. Forget what he might have said, or might have meant, or might not be telling you, or might mean etc

Do you want to meet him?

You have a lot of control over this situation. Just because you meet him, doesn't mean that you have to end up dating/sleeping with/living with/married to him etc! You are just meeting him. If you want to walk away from that saying "lovely catching up with you. Bye now" then you have the right to do that. If he does see you as his stop-gap girl (and nobody knows what he is thinking!) then you don't have to put yourself in that role just because he wants you in it.

Nobody on here can tell you anything. We can all speculate based on our own experiences, but none of us know for certain what he is thinking and why he reacted the way he did.

Meet him if you are curious and want to. Don't if you don't want to. But just be aware that whether you meet him or not you don't have to promise anything.

Edit.... You could always make him your stop-gap

strobe

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Edit.... You could always make him your stop-gap

That would be a somewhat unpleasant thing to do to someone, I wouldn't advise it OP, can't imagine you'd feel very good about yourself after.

Big Bag of Chips

It was somewhat tongue-in-cheek, OP! (Hence the little winky face!) Just letting you know that he doesn't have to call all the shots. You can take control of the situation and only go along with what you want, rather than feeling you somehow "owe" him something or have to go along with him because you agreed to meet him.

beks101

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you want to meet him?

I think this is what it all boils down to really.

It sounds like you want to meet the guy, if only out of pure intrigue, so go and see what he says/does. See how you feel about him, if anything at all. It might all click into place for you both or you might walk away thinking, 'meh' - either way, you've spent a mere few hours with someone you probably would always wonder about otherwise.

I sometimes think there can be too much projection going on in these threads. It's either black or white, guy likes you or he doesn't and he will act accordingly. I can certainly relate to that in many ways - IME most guys won't leave you guessing when they're keen. But then there are the ones that will, for any number of reasons. Break-ups and heart break can royally feck with people's heads - as can grief, stress, depression, anxiety, poor self esteem etc.

As someone else mentioned - sometimes the timing just isn't right. I certainly have dated a few gems in the past who I let slip through my fingers because my mind was elsewhere and I wasn't in the right head space to commit to someone - that's just life sometimes.

It could be that with this fella, or it could be more sinister. Go along, have a chat, think of it as meeting a mate for a drink and then just go on your gut - you won't be long finding out the score.