Disciplining a 13 year old

LegacyUser

Hi,

I was just looking for some advice for my sister. Her son is in 2nd year of secondary school & they have a school trip abroad coming up. He had a few issues in school last year for acting up in class & his year head called my sister in twice. They felt that he is a very capable student who has great ability but seems to be more concerned with impressing his peers, they called my sister in because they see how capable he is & felt he just needed reigning in. Due to this he was grounded for a week at a time & he seemed to settle down.

So roll on this year & the school trip is mentioned, he was told that he would be allowed to go as long as he put his head down, worked hard & that he was not to have any notes home. He agreed to this & that was fine.

Deposit is due this Friday & my sister asked to see his homework journal at the weekend gone by, he said he left it in his locker at school, she said that she wanted to see it on Monday, again he forgot it, this continued Tues & this evening. My sister thought something was going on & looked in his room for journal & found it under his mattress. Sure enough there was 4 notes from last week, 3 for no homework, 1 for misbehaving in class.

Now my sister doesn't know what to do. On one hand she feels that he was warned about this & it's not just a case of 1 note but 4, that he should of panicked after receiving one note but instead he continues to misbehave. She doesn't want to make an empty threat either so she feels that she has to put her foot down & not allow him to go on the trip. On the otherhand, the trip isn't until March next year, by punishing him now for something so far down the line would that be counterproductive? Should she just punish now by taking his phone & x box off him & ground him or is that too soft? Will he think that he can get away with such behaviour? It's the fact the deposit is due Friday & it's a lot of money, if he continues to misbehave & she decides to pull him off the trip she'll lose the deposit, something that she can't really afford to do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

hoodwinked

honestly, i think your sister needs to be more realistic about her punishments, saying things like 1 note and you can't go on the school trip will never work as it's not balanced, anyone could forget a copybook and get a note, and all it does is encourage him to lie to her and hide things from her, not something you want to encourage with a teenager,

going forward i would sit him down, explain you found his journal with the notes and you are going to re-evaluate the rules, set new fair and clear rules , encourage him to talk to her if he is having issues, if his bad behaviour continues she will remove privileges as appropriate. like 1 note no xbox for a day, 3 notes no xbox for a week...etc does he need to contact her at any point on the phone? if so threatening him with taking it is useless if she has to give it back to him 2 days later so he can ring her.

as for the trip your sister needs to ask two questions 1) can she trust he will behave appropriately on the trip? (as in will he be a drain on the teachers time) and 2) can she really afford to send him? as you say she cannot afford to lose the deposit.

if the answer to either is no, she needs to not use the trip as a threat, and explain that for her own reasons he cannot go,

Jawgap

My first instinct was 'a deal is a deal' and he didn't hold up to it, but I'd tend to support the idea of this being a learning experience!

does he get an allowance / pocket money?

If so, make him pay the deposit (or good chunk of it)- it'll get him to put some 'skin in the game.' If he can't pay, agree that the deposit will be paid but taken from his pocket money from now until Christmas - if the behaviour improves then a bit like the IMF she can opt to forgive some of the debt down the line.

Second thing, I'd do is change the WiFi password (this is my standard 'punishment' for my two teens). I'd let him keep the phone and make access to the Xbox conditional on the journal being produced every day for examination (in the mean time confiscate the power lead for the Xbox) - no notes, access for a certain amount of time to the Xbox can be permitted - no notes and good performance gets the Xbox and the WiFi password!

More than anything else I think I'd be checking the journal every day and if he claims to have forgotten it drive him back to the school to get it - or his mother / father could tell him that they're coming in with him the next morning to school to get it.

Anything else like school discos etc coming up?

BarryD

I'd be inclined to advise you to let them sort it out themselves - it's between your sister and her child, she's the parent.

LegacyUser

BarryD wrote: »

I'd be inclined to advise you to let them sort it out themselves - it's between your sister and her child, she's the parent.

While I would be inclined to agree with you she asked for my advice, it was a mutual friend who suggested we look on this site for advice as she has received some great tips before in the past & as I am not a parent myself we thought it would be great to seek help from parents who may have faced similar situations. It was me who posted here on her behalf really as she has a new born and 3 children to look after, also her husband works away from home for long periods of time & she can't contact him until Sunday morning to ask him, so I'm just trying to help out whatever little way I can but thanks for your input.

Thanks for the replies guys, really appreciated. It's not that she can't afford to spend money on the deposit, it's just with 4 children there are other ways in which it can be spent especially if her eldest isn't going to appreciate it and if his bad behaviour keeps up and not deserve it. With this boy being her eldest she also feels under pressure to set an example to her other children, that bad behaviour doesn't go unpunished.

Last year it was the same story, he was acting the jack the lad in class, so each time there was a note sent home there were certain privileges taken away from him like disco, x-box, etc. So when the trip was mentioned he was told that if there was a repeat of last year's behaviour again this year he wouldn't be allowed on the trip. She felt that this would be an incentive for him to work well & thought that he would but looking back in hindsight after seeing the notes she was worried that such a harsh punishment so early in the year would be counterproductive.

Sorry I am only replying now, just got a break in work! I showed her this thread last night & she really liked the idea of him paying the deposit himself, so if he does misbehave he'll run the risk of not going on the trip and losing his own money. So she decided he had to pay the deposit himself, if he behaves himself and there are no more major issues he will be given the deposit back at the end of the year. He isn't allowed to go the the next underage disco. She explained to him that there is still a chance that he won't be allowed on the trip just because the deposit is paid, it is all dependent on him.

Thanks again, she really appreciates the advice.

sillysmiles

Does the school have any sort of policy on behavior and trips? As in, if you don't behave you don't go?
Also, is there a reason why she isn't checking the journal daily? Especially if there was previous issue?

BarryD

Doing what's best wrote: »

He had a few issues in school last year for acting up in class & his year head called my sister in twice. They felt that he is a very capable student who has great ability but seems to be more concerned with impressing his peers, they called my sister in because they see how capable he is & felt he just needed reigning in.

Maybe your sister should have a chat with him and see why he isn't addressing the homework. If it's because he can't do it, she'll have to help him or else talk to the teachers concerned.

But it sounds above that perhaps he is a capable student? Perhaps he doesn't do the homework because he knows the stuff and it's just repetition as far he is concerned. The X Box or whatever is more attractive. There would kids in school who find the pace very slow and boring with endless repetition, so they act the maggot a bit. If this is the case, then simply persuade him to do the minimum homework to keep the teachers happy. At the end of the day, they'll look at his tests/ exams and how he participates/ answers in class etc.

If he is capable academically, get him involved in a few things outside school where he'll be challenged a bit more - e.g. Coder DoJo etc.