How to get a girlfriend

LegacyUser

Basically, I have been suffering from extreme loneliness and depression. I really think finding a girlfriend will help me hugely. I crave human contact, even just a hug or cuddling can improve my mood hugely.

I don't seem to have any luck, gone on blind dates set up by a friend, tried tindr, tried online dating but nothing seems to work. The club scene just doesn't work for me. BTW I'm 21 in college. Any suggestions apart from the usual join clubs and societies?

karaokeman

unregistered wrote: »

Any suggestions apart from the usual join clubs and societies?

Why not join clubs and socs? Through them you will, not only broaden your social network but they will give you extracurricular events to take your mind off the pain of being single.

I'm going out with a girl for the first time now (at 23) and before that I learned it wouldn't happen unless I was happy in myself.

Buona Fortuna

unregistered wrote: »

Any suggestions apart from the usual join clubs and societies?

Its the easy, no pressure way of meeting people. Some you like some you don't. Some like you, some don't.

Plus when you do meet someone you may have something slightly more unusual to talk about - that might make you interesting to the person. You may pick up different anecdotes and jokes from being in different clubs - that might make you witty.

Penny Tration

Like karaokeman said, it won't happen unless you're happy in yourself.

If you're depressed and lonely going into a relationship, the relationship is doomed already. It's not fair to expect a partner to cure how you feel.

There's nothing wrong with joining clubs and socs, but do it as a way to make FRIENDS, not girlfriends.

You shouldn't be dating until you sort your emotions out tbh.

Redser87

Totally agree with the above. Don't just join them all though, choose one that you would be really interested in. A lot have regular coffee mornings, which would give you a healthy way to socialise and get a network of friends and acquaintances. I met my OH in a university society - we had and have similar interests, but being involved in a group of people where events were organised for us and we just had to turn up was a great, no-pressure way of getting to know each other. It's also a ready-made support network for if things don't work out.

ladygirl

I would also suggest exercise. It sounds as if your very on the needy side and also lacking in confidence. Could you try - walking, running, cycling, swimming a few times a week. I always finds exercise hugely boosts my self esteem as when you get in shape you look that bit better and I find that in turn you then feel better.

Just a quick word of advise - if your not happy with yourself as you are - you will never be happy with someone else. Others shouldn't be used as a crutch for you to feel better - you should already feel good without them.

LegacyUser

When I said any ideas apart from the usual clubs & societies it's because I have already gotten involved with them in college and although I have met new people and made new friends I am still lacking what I really want

Redser87

Hope this doesn't come across as patronising - all you can do is give it time. Often, the right person comes along at the most inconvenient time! I met my OH just before I was due to go off on Erasmus, at a time where I had fully intended on staying single we made it work though. Other friends have met their SOs just after a breakup, just after starting a stressful new job where they have hardly any time, etc.... As others have said though, in the meantime you can work on making yourself the best you can be in terms of confidence and happiness in yourself, because that will then spill over in very positive ways when the right person does come along. Don't remember where I read this but I think it's very true - the best couples are those who can get along just fine apart, but choose to be together.
I can't possibly speak for all women, but of the women I know, they would rather be with a confident, happy guy who will be as supportive to them as they are to him - it's very much about mutual respect and support, rather than one party seeing the other as a solution to all of their problems. Pretty soon you'll see that those feelings don't just disappear, and you might end up wondering if there is something wrong with your partner/ relationship that has left you still feeling low. I don't think anybody could handle the pressure of being the ONLY thing that holds their partner together.

Buona Fortuna

Redser87 wrote: »

Hope this doesn't come across as patronising - all you can do is give it time. Often, the right person comes along at the most inconvenient time! I met my OH just before I was due to go off on Erasmus, at a time where I had fully intended on staying single we made it work though. Other friends have met their SOs just after a breakup, just after starting a stressful new job where they have hardly any time, etc.... As others have said though, in the meantime you can work on making yourself the best you can be in terms of confidence and happiness in yourself, because that will then spill over in very positive ways when the right person does come along. Don't remember where I read this but I think it's very true - the best couples are those who can get along just fine apart, but choose to be together.
I can't possibly speak for all women, but of the women I know, they would rather be with a confident, happy guy who will be as supportive to them as they are to him - it's very much about mutual respect and support, rather than one party seeing the other as a solution to all of their problems. Pretty soon you'll see that those feelings don't just disappear, and you might end up wondering if there is something wrong with your partner/ relationship that has left you still feeling low. I don't think anybody could handle the pressure of being the ONLY thing that holds their partner together.

I think there is a lot to be said for not looking for it. People like confident interesting people.

People looking for love or a relationship straight off the bat can appear desperate.

Beef Curtains

unregistered wrote: »

Basically, I have been suffering from extreme loneliness and depression. I really think finding a girlfriend will help me hugely. I crave human contact, even just a hug or cuddling can improve my mood hugely.

I don't seem to have any luck, gone on blind dates set up by a friend, tried tindr, tried online dating but nothing seems to work. The club scene just doesn't work for me. BTW I'm 21 in college. Any suggestions apart from the usual join clubs and societies?

There is no magic formula for getting a girlfriend. You simply have to soldier on and eventually you will meet someone (assuming you have the necessary social skills).

Take solace in the fact that even the happiest and most out going people can quite often be lonely and miserable too.

Mike747

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

I think there is a lot to be said for not looking for it. People like confident interesting people.

People looking for love or a relationship straight off the bat can appear desperate.

In my experience once you're in a relationship you become far more attractive to women. It's catch-22, you need a job to get a job, you need friends to make friends...

Rubberchikken

don't mean to be brutal, but there's a tone in your posts, and if that's coming out in real life, people will find that offputting.

you need to go to a couple of societies that you actually are interested in and enjoy. relax with people there. let them discover your perasonality and get to like ypou and you them.

i second exercise. walk, run, cycle. whatever you can fit in. it's great for clearing the head.

give it time.

unregistered

unregistered wrote: »

I really think finding a girlfriend will help me hugely.

Trying to find happiness in others when one can not find it in oneself is not something I have ever seen work. Not to say it can not work, or never has, or does not work - I just have never seen it.

What I have seen fail to work time and time again however is people who have an agenda to "get the girlfriend". People smell an agenda a mile off and it does not smell good - and if that is the agenda you work towards I fear you may scare off more potential partners than you interest.

Rather I generally tell people that getting into a relationship should not be the goal of your path in life - but an event along it. You need to find that path and start walking it yourself - and see what relationships - intimate or otherwise - are events along the way.

Clubs and societies are only one example - life is full of ways of bettering yourself - expressing yourself - exploring yourself - and being yourself. And we can not only engage in them every day - but improve upon them each day too. And they are not just personal lonesome engagements - but they all have social aspects to explore and enjoy too.

And many I give this advice to - who set off on such a path - find that relationships - including love and partners - simply come to pass on that road. And at 21 you have a long path ahead of you to do it with. I am about 15 years further down the path than you - and no where near finished walking it.

My own story was I was a college lay about - barely off the couch or the computer games or even the porn - always obsessed with girls too but never really meeting many of them let alone being with many of them intimately (some not many). Until I set off on a new path to better myself a little every day. Physically - mentally - socially - emotionally - intellectually - skills - knowledge - whatever. Each day I would aim merely to better myself slightly in one or more of those things than I was the day before.

And I tried to simply get involved socially in many things. Not just clubs and society. But for example I loved live music - so I would go on to the websites for the bands and muscians I loved and arrange "Pre gig meet ups" and the like. So I was not just being social - but a social focal point for many groups.

And through one of those impromptu pre gig meet ups I met the girls who were to become my current partners and mother of my children. I was not looking for it. I had no agenda to find someone. They just happened along their own path in life and intersected with mine.

All that said however - if you have feelings which you are referring to as depression - it would be advisable to compliment everything I have just said with some interaction with a GP or three or other medical advice on whether you may actually be suffering from a treatable depression all the same.

dgt

That train of thought never works. In the current state of mind, a relationship won't work. Going out specifically to try get a SO will only make you more frustrated coupled with the fact that people can see desperation (not to offend but I've seen this too many times). Also, you're 21, lots and lots of time to find a SO. Slow the pace down!

Start to love yourself before you decide to start loving someone else. Wake up each day and see how you can improve something to make your day a bit better.

Perhaps go out with friends just with the intention of having a good time. I did exactly this last Saturday and I never ever had as much fun in a long long time on a night out. I felt so good on returning home and still do. Best part was it was a completely unplanned night with no agenda, yet we talked to so many random people.

It's worth a try OP

Minera

Im pretty much stating the same as everyone else here but get really really busy, socially and academically and she will come along.
Speaking from personal experiance here but I think most women dont want to be held back or feel responsible for their partners entertainment all the time and if you are waiting/ looking for a girlfriend this is how you will come across, so please for your own sake get busy doing something, anything and stop idolising the " almighty relationship".

Est28

unregistered wrote: »

Basically, I have been suffering from extreme loneliness and depression. I really think finding a girlfriend will help me hugely. I crave human contact, even just a hug or cuddling can improve my mood hugely.

I don't seem to have any luck, gone on blind dates set up by a friend, tried tindr, tried online dating but nothing seems to work. The club scene just doesn't work for me. BTW I'm 21 in college. Any suggestions apart from the usual join clubs and societies?

OP, if you are not happy with yourself a GF will not fix it for you. I know it seems that way but it won't.
You'll still be unhappy in life and you'll be projecting everything onto her as if she's responsible for making you happy. Very unhealthy relationship. I had a GF like that once.

You need to find what makes you happy in life.

If you're not out there living it, you won't find a GF anyway. You don't jet "get one".