Fiancé won't commit to marriage..but wants a baby

Moonriver99 · 30-09-2014 1:26pm #1

Ok, so I've had a few bad times with my fiancé, although we work through our difficulties. At the moment, the excuse for no marriage is he wants to he secure and he has to pay off a few debts. He said when I get a job we can talk about wedding stuff but until then don't talk about it.
Now, I got a job, he still won't talk about it but what's annoying me now is he says how much he would love a baby like in th next year or two? Am I missing something? isn't a baby more of a commitment and while I so want a baby I don't understand why you'd be ok with a huge commitment like that but not marriage. I know marriage is so much money but even if we sit down and say five years from now in 2019 or something yet he says I'm putting way to much pressure on him. I'm not, but personally I'd like to be married before I have kids. And I can't wait so long I'm nearly 30 so I'd be 3 6 before I had kids.
Is he being unfair? all I wanna do is talk so I have an idea what to save for!I'm not droning on about wedding dresses or being annoying I'm just being honest. I told him I'd wait ten years if he just talked about it. And I mean honestly, isn't a baby going to uproot your life rather then a wedding, I even said why don't we have a very low key wedding intimate fifty people in a few years.....NO, I've to wait til he wants to talk despite him using excuses. Btw, been together for six years..engaged one year.

Tilly · 30-09-2014 1:31pm

Do you have the money to get married if you've only just got a job?

dudara · 30-09-2014 1:37pm

Getting married can be done quite cheaply. Unfortunately, there's no cheap way to have a child. Has he looked at the idea of having a child purely as an expense?

Some men are just really resistant to marriage. Bizarrely, it doesn't mean that they don't want a committed relationship with a family.

The challenge here will be to talk to him about this.

skallywag · 30-09-2014 1:51pm

dudara wrote: »

Some men are just really resistant to marriage. Bizarrely, it doesn't mean that they don't want a committed relationship with a family

I'm in this category myself, been with the OH for 10 year plus, have a kid and house together, but have no interest whatsoever in getting married. If she was pushed about it I would probably go along with it just to keep her happy though.

Penny Tration · 30-09-2014 1:52pm

OP, did he propose to you?

If he did (you say he's your fiance), why did he propose if he has no intention of getting married?

strandroad · 30-09-2014 2:00pm

Or is he just not keen on a big wedding, in which case surely you can agree on something more modest? If he has debt and you've just started work anything else than a modest ceremony would be madness anyway.

Tasden · 30-09-2014 2:03pm

When you discuss wanting to get married with him is it the wedding you're talking about? Or literally just being a married couple?

Maybe he realises you want the big day with all the expenses and knows that ye can't afford it, rather than him being opposed to marriage itself.

Neyite · 30-09-2014 2:07pm

mhge wrote: »

Or is he just not keen on a big wedding, in which case surely you can agree on something more modest? If he has debt and you've just started work anything else than a modest ceremony would be madness anyway.

I got the impression that it was the other way around - that the OP is not too fussed on a big day but that might have been why he is stalling on setting a date, that he does want the big day. Surprisingly I've known a few couples like that where the bride is happy doing something small but is talked into a big day by the groom because he wants a big party.

Could it be that he wants the big wedding OP?

strandroad · 30-09-2014 3:08pm

Neyite wrote: »

I got the impression that it was the other way around - that the OP is not too fussed on a big day but that might have been why he is stalling on setting a date, that he does want the big day. Surprisingly I've known a few couples like that where the bride is happy doing something small but is talked into a big day by the groom because he wants a big party.

Could it be that he wants the big wedding OP?

If he wants a big day, having a baby os a sure way of pushing it back even more...

Moonriver99 · 30-09-2014 3:41pm

He does have money, like inheritance, I understand he doesn't want to spend it all on a wedding, and as I said I just want to know when even a rough estimate. He is using all his money to go on holiday to Australia for a month. I have neve pushed him into asking me but now tht he has everyone constantly asks me about it and I say to them it will be a long engagement. Which I agreed to, but not forever. We are engaged a year now so even another three four five I'd be happy with as long as I know where I stand. I sound pushy but like as I said, I want to have kids but in my opinion I think it's sensible to be married. Just me, I'm not against people having babies without marriage as I know loads but that doesn't suit me. He says once this years over we have a child. In reply to one person, I'd be happy with fifty guests less even. I don't like the glitz and glam of a wedding and just act like a bride it actually unnerves me having everyone look at me, I'm easy going, he wants the big day. Yet he won't even talk about it and logically if he wants to spend thousands on it shouldn't be talking about it now so we can save for a few years.

Moonriver99 · 30-09-2014 3:45pm

Neyite wrote: »

I got the impression that it was the other way around - that the OP is not too fussed on a big day but that might have been why he is stalling on setting a date, that he does want the big day. Surprisingly I've known a few couples like that where the bride is happy doing something small but is talked into a big day by the groom because he wants a big party.

Could it be that he wants the big wedding OP?

It's not me that wants the big wedding. :)And I know that's surprising to most of you but I'd get married, just me and him cos I love him, or with ten twenty of our closest. And I mean that sincerely. I never ask for much, then I feel he makes it sound like I'm being pushy when I rarely ask about it.

Moonriver99 · 30-09-2014 3:53pm

green_screen wrote: »

OP, did he propose to you?

If he did (you say he's your fiance), why did he propose if he has no intention of getting married?

I've no idea. I agreed with him it would be a long engagement. A couple of years. But I'm sure that wouldn't stop me talking about it after a year. Any time his friends say 'when is the big day?' He always rolls his eyes and laughs and says 'don't get her started' when I NEVER mention it to anybody except him and when I do talk about it, it's rare for fear he will get pissed off. I'm not trying to drag the guy to the altar or push him into something, but he's making me feel like I can't even mention it

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 4:19pm

I'm going to say something contraversial here - but I would put good money on you two living together.

In seemingly every case where the woman wants to get married but the guy doesn't - they're already living together. Often have a mortgage together.

Sometimes the woman does get an engagement ring - often after 5 or 6 years when the comments from friends and parents are starting to really bug the guy. So he gets her a ring and does the whole proposal thing - and basks in the subsequent approval.

And the ring is meant to be an end to all the chat. Its to make people leave them alone. But to his annoyance, it isn't. And now Herself is getting stroppy about naming a day.

He wants kids cos he wants kids. He does not, however, want to marry you first. At all.

If you ask me, he wants the kids more than he wants you. Oh, and by the way, he's betting hard on your biological clock. If he keeps stalling, you'll end up agreeing to kids anyway just cos you'll be in your thirties. And lets be honest, you're not gonna dump him over his stalling - you've been with him since you were 24. He knows that too. He'll get his kids in the end. And he'll have everything that he wanted. A family.....without a wedding ring.

cletus van damme · 30-09-2014 4:21pm

skallywag wrote: »

I'm in this category myself, been with the OH for 10 year plus, have a kid and house together, but have no interest whatsoever in getting married. If she was pushed about it I would probably go along with it just to keep her happy though.

Gonna say I'm in the same boat. 4 kids and zero interest in marriage.
However if my gf really wanted it I'd go with it for her sake but low down my list of things to do.

Lux23 · 01-10-2014 1:10pm

Op, are you after a big wedding or do you just want to get married?

How about a compromise? Say to your fiance that you will be happy to start trying for a baby if he will commit to you by having a small, family wedding.

If it is just the big, giant Irish wedding you're after then I don't blame the guy, he probably sees it like a lot of people as an unnecessary expense.

anncoates · 01-10-2014 1:12pm

You're allowed to buy houses and have kids without being married these days.

miamee · 01-10-2014 1:17pm

Lux23 wrote: »

Op, are you after a big wedding or do you just want to get married?

How about a compromise? Say to your fiance that you will be happy to start trying for a baby if he will commit to you by having a small, family wedding.

If it is just the big, giant Irish wedding you're after then I don't blame the guy, he probably sees it like a lot of people as an unnecessary expense.

She already said in previous posts and to her fiance that she'd be happy with a small, intimate wedding, no fuss.

Matteroffact · 01-10-2014 1:43pm

I just think it is a worrying sign that you have to go by what he says.

strandroad · 01-10-2014 2:11pm

miamee wrote: »

She already said in previous posts and to her fiance that she'd be happy with a small, intimate wedding, no fuss.

It really feels as if the big wedding is just an excuse for him to keep putting it off then. He spends his money for trips, has debt to pay off, they'll have a baby... there will never be a big wedding and so he'll never have to deliver on the promise he made with the engagement. It's kind of clever if true; also dishonest and manipulative.

sunshine and showers · 01-10-2014 6:27pm

anncoates wrote: »

You're allowed to buy houses and have kids without being married these days.

Yeah, but you're still allowed to want to be married first - especially when you've been asked.

OP, I'd worry about having a baby with a man who won't commit to discussing even a vague and basic timeline for a marriage he proposed!

CaraMay · 01-10-2014 6:44pm

Say no wedding, no baby. It's that simple. You will know then if he does want to marry you. If not then take off your engagement ring because it's used to signify a promise to marry. If he can't do it then there is no point bring engaged. You need to take back control of your own future op. It seems like you are a bystander in your own life here. If he doesn't want what you want then there is no future.

Addle · 01-10-2014 8:37pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Say no wedding, no baby. It's that simple. You will know then if he does want to marry you. If not then take off your engagement ring because it's used to signify a promise to marry. If he can't do it then there is no point bring engaged. You need to take back control of your own future op. It seems like you are a bystander in your own life here. If he doesn't want what you want then there is no future.

But she doesn't want what he wants?
Is that not a bit unfair?
Can a compromise be made on this kind of thing?

CaraMay · 01-10-2014 8:44pm

Addle wrote: »

But she doesn't want what he wants?
Is that not a bit unfair?
Can a compromise be made on this kind of thing?

How can you compromise on getting pregnant? He took it to stage 1 by proposing...

MistyCheese · 01-10-2014 9:23pm

You can un-do a marriage, you can't un-do a baby. And marriage doesn't cost money, a wedding does.

It doesn't make sense that he says he wants to have some more money behind him before you two organise a wedding but he wants to go full steam ahead on having a child. A wedding is just a one-time cost whether you have a big one or a small one - a baby is an ongoing cost. The baby that needs nappies becomes a toddler that needs shoes then becomes a child that needs schoolbooks and so on.

If you really want to be married before starting a family then you need to reiterate this to him. Tell him that it's very important to you and if he'll come with you to the registry office and marry you in a simple, inexpensive ceremony then you two will get to baby-making. He wants a big do, you two can do that later, a vow renewal.

What does he say he wants? Babies now and big wedding later? If so then this seems like a good compromise. Do you think he'd agree to this? Or would he say that he wants to wait and just do the big wedding later? If so you'll have to tell him that he needs to compromise somewhere. He can have the big wedding that he wants, and you can have the marriage before the babies.

Teyla Emmagan · 01-10-2014 9:43pm

Am I in a time warp?

Tokyo · 01-10-2014 11:21pm

Teyla Emmagan - if you can't post constructively toward the OP's issue, please consider not posting at all. This style of backhanded comment adds nothing to the thread and is in breach of the forum charter.

Regards,
Mike

Teyla Emmagan · 02-10-2014 9:32am

Sorry Mike. I thought this was a boards glitch and that I was reading a thread from several months ago that was showing up with yesterday's dates. Obviously, it's just a similar one! Apologies.

Semele · 02-10-2014 9:47am

OP did you post this same issue a while ago? I also seem to remember a thread in which the couples difficulties seemed identical to these. If so, then it doesn't sound like much has changed despite the similar advice you were given then. There really isn't a magic solution that will solve things and it is a crap situation to be in, but in the end it will come down to a decision on your part about whether you want to pursue marriage and babies, with someone else if necessary, or if you are happy to stay in your relationship the way it is until you are past the point where you can have those things. Would your boyfriend on his own be enough to outweigh a husband and family? No right answer, but equally it can't be anyone else's answer. You do have to decide this for yourself.

themissymoo · 02-10-2014 9:59am

Remind him that he is the one who proposed marriage. If this was me, I would ask him why he would suggest getting married and then be opposed to planning to get married. As another poster said, remove your engagement ring. It's meaningless if you are not going to get married. An engagement ring is a sign of a promise made between a couple to wed, and at the moment he's not interested in keeping that promise.

Jamaican Me Crazy · 03-10-2014 11:01am

Moonriver99 wrote: »

I've no idea. I agreed with him it would be a long engagement. A couple of years. But I'm sure that wouldn't stop me talking about it after a year. Any time his friends say 'when is the big day?' He always rolls his eyes and laughs and says 'don't get her started' when I NEVER mention it to anybody except him and when I do talk about it, it's rare for fear he will get pissed off. I'm not trying to drag the guy to the altar or push him into something, but he's making me feel like I can't even mention it

That's kind of the bit that stood out for me. You fear his reaction. You can't openly discuss a topic that means so much to you.

OP - I notice you never mention you are madly in love with the guy. If you feel strongly that you want to be married before having a child then he needs to meet you in the middle here.

A big flashy wedding does not guarantee anything. I had it all, big, traditional Irish wedding with all the bells and whistles (what he wanted, not me) and it didn't stop him going off with someone else after less than 2 years married.

You are a young woman, you have many choices. Don't always go along with what he wants. If you truly love each other then you need to communicate openly and come to a compromise.

ash23 · 03-10-2014 1:28pm

Ok, so you want to have a wedding and then a baby. You're worried that if you don't get married soon then you'll be late 30s having a child.

On the reverse, perhaps he is worried that spending your savings on a wedding now will mean having to build up savings for a child and that it'll be a good few years before you can have a baby.

I can understand you wanting to be married before having a child but you need to explain to him that it's being married that you want, not the wedding. Perhaps agree a small budget with him for the wedding and that might appease him that it's not going to wipe his savings and mean that ye end up struggling when you do start a family.

If he still is dragging his heels about getting married then you've a choice. Carry on with him as you are (assuming you don't doubt his commitment to you aside from getting married) and accept that marriage might never happen. Or decide marriage is something you really do want and end it with him so you are free to find someone who feels the same.

He wouldn't be the only person who doesn't agree with, or want to get married but he should be honest with you if that is how he feels so you can make your mind up.

Fiancé won't commit to marriage..but wants a baby

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