Girlfriend secretive with phone

LegacyUser

Hi Boardsers,

My girlfriend is very protective of her phone I have noticed recently. Also shielding her phone or laptop away from me sometimes whereas before, she wouldn't have. We have been going out for the bones of four years, and in that time we have covered a lot of rough ground. More than most couples would go through in that space of time.

Today really set me off. She was in the house and her phone rang (vibrated, was on silent) and she looked startled and took her phone out of the bag and silenced it and said nothing of it. It was noisy vibrating off other things in her bag and hence I heard. She would say sometimes that she wasn't in the mood for phone calls, but she never suggested anything like that today so why reject the call? If private, could she not take it upstairs or something?

I didn't comment on it, but I am very observant (when wearing my glasses)!

I have noticed sometimes that her phone is on complete silent (Android phone just like mine). So if it was in her hand while doing other stuff, I would have no knowledge of it.

Today after her phone went off in her bag and all that, she decided to go upstairs to get changed while I was sorting dinner downstairs. I observed that she took her phone upstairs with her even though she was only getting changed quickly and she hadn't been using her phone or expecting a phone call that I knew of. When she took the phone I could tell she tried to do it discretely.

She ended up waiting upstairs until dinner was ready. This eve I noticed that she had her phone on total silent when she showed me something, and often she would have the phone on airplane mode while on her wifi.

She is the last person I would expect to cheat on me, and even before anybody says to me "Oh it sounds dodgy alright" or at the other end of the spectrum"Ah here, cop on and stop being so paranoid!", I must say that the signs are peculiar to say the least.

We have been through lots of tough times. Over the years I have become intertwined with her family, especially as I am not from the same part of the country as her, which is coincidentally where she's from.

I wonder if she was bored in the relationship would she have the nerve to end it, considering the way our relationships are with each other's families -i.e. very healthy.

I don't know what to think but I am rankled. I am a strong believer in gut instinct, as is she ironically!

Any advice would be appreciated

Bemused

JMSC

indigo twist

Reading that post, I was thinking that almost everything you said about your girlfriend could equally apply to me.

My phone is on silent 90% of the time. Reason - force of habit - I spend a lot of time on work or on public transport, and don't want it ringing or beeping at those times, and I often simply forget to turn it off silent unless I'm actually expecting a call.

The airport mode - it's not something I use myself, but again this could be force of habit - if she doesn't want to use data when out and about, etc.

I'll very often choose not to answer a call from a friend or family member if I'm in my boyfriend's company (or in anyone else's company, for that matter.) Firstly, it's rude. Secondly, if someone close to me is ringing for a chat, they're entitled to privacy - I'd hate to think that, if I rang a friend, their boyfriend was present at the other end of the phone (even though they're only hearing a one-sided conversation.) So I'd likely just silence the call and ring back at a better time, when I'm alone.

I regularly use my boyfriend's computer (we live together), and I almost always use the "incognito" browser. Purely because it's his computer, we use some of the same sites (e.g. Facebook and Boards) and he leaves himself logged in all the time ... so I don't want him to have to log in again each time he goes to use it. But as regards shielding it from him - I don't do this, but I don't really use the computer when he's in the room - purely because it's fecking awkward if you're writing or reading something and someone is reading or commenting over your shoulder! I'm not secretive about it - if he's in the room, I'll simply log out of whatever website I'm using and just use my phone to read/post instead. Now I can see why that might seem a bit dodgy - but to the best of my knowledge, he doesn't see it that way - it's not like I'm trying to hide anything; if I'm posting on Boards or Facebook, he'll see it eventually anyways!

I almost always take my phone with me rather than leaving it lying around the house. I'm pretty much certain that my boyfriend would never go snooping through it - and he'd find nothing suspicious there even if he did! But again, it's force of habit (from hanging around with immature people in school/college who were fans of "fraping".)

And as for waiting upstairs until dinner was ready - again I see nothing odd at all about that; all couples need their own bit of individual space, it seems pretty normal to me.

If all of this is completely new behaviour for her, then maybe you're right to be questioning it, and like you said gut instinct is important. But objectively speaking, I really didn't read any obvious "warning signs" in anything you mentioned. To be honest, my advice would be not to say anything for now, unless you notice any other uncharacteristic behaviour. It could really shake your relationship to even imply that you don't trust her and that you suspect she might be up to something, and it could be all for nothing.

nc19

Ask her about it


Tell her if she is cheating just to tell you and you'll walk away no problem.

Simple

indigo twist

nc19 wrote: »

Ask her about it


Tell her if she is cheating just to tell you and you'll walk away no problem.

Simple

If she's not cheating, he could be damaging the relationship irrevocably.

Not so simple.

skallywag

I can see why you may be suspicious OP. I agree with Indigo Twist though that one's own behaviour could also definitely be looked on with suspicion by others, e.g. I regularly delete my FB messages and text messages on my phone, plus I will never leave emails hanging around in my inbox. I also regularly delete browsing history. I do these things out of force of habit, just a mixture between being data security conscious and also keeping things clean. I'm pretty sure many would look on this as a reason to think I was having a fling with someone though ;-)

LegacyUser

All very good advice, but why would she be so shifty in the process of taking her phone upstairs? This is what I thought really odd. It was her entitlement to do it especially in her own house but to try and to it discretely and smoothly is very curious.

I kinda pursued a line of questioning with her yesterday, asking if she was happy, if everything was OK with her. She got emotional but more from the daft notion I wasn't happy. Then again, if I asked her "Are you happy?" and she responded yes, then she wouldn't be lying, because if she's cheating or seeing or thinking of someone else, then she IS HAPPY NOW. She is satisfying a niggling itch.

To cut to the chase guys things in the bedroom are not so hot at the moment. Patchy to non-existent or almost apologetic kinda useless attempts at intimacy every so often.

A few months ago she flew off the handle at me in a place where I would have preferred she didn't. In the protracted argument that followed, she got hysterical but knew I was right to be angry, and in a considerable position of power. In the argument she suggested that maybe I'd be better off without her, but I said no, that it was a drastic measure. I would never have seen her to be in favour of a break from the relationship, so it came as a big surprise to me.

In the meantime over the intervening months, things have changed. The way we kiss is different, almost frigid. I noticed that she isn't as keen on us eating together. We live separately and she nearly encourages me to go home midweek so I will get up early and make it to work in good time (my work is flexible but getting up early is ideal). She seems more inclined to being shifty with her phone in the midst of all this and I don't know what to do. I clear my browser history when giving her my laptop to use, and she never did it before. But the last time she gave me her laptop, she went to pains to delete history.

She seems distant, slightly less interested in dealing with my family. Almost too generous sometimes in her praise for me and then other times not so much. "I love you, where would I be without you etc....". But to me it seems disingenuous in the extreme compared to what went before, as if it's an exercise in keeping things together and stringing me along. I get on extremely well with her family and some of her nephews adore me to be honest. If she was unhappy, I know she wouldn't like to be responsible for a break up because I think her family would drag her over the coals.

Cornering her with questions will result in denial really, I know it will.

I honestly feel she would never chose to end things with me but there are days I wonder if she's hoping I might end it.

Thanks for all the advice, I know though that confronting her is probably not going to improve things or get me far.

IvyTheTerrible

I'm 100% faithful to my partner, but I'm very private with my phone and computer, as is he. The idea of someone else (even him) reading my mails or texts would drive me nuts. I have nothing to hide but I like my privacy as well. Maybe she's the same and she's noticed your interest in her phone?

bee06

To be honest it sounds like ye have bigger problems to deal with than how she is with her phone.

ItsHoggie

If it bothers you that much just ask her,
You never know she could be booking you a holiday away or something lol

LegacyUser

I believe we are all entitled to privacy with our phones. I keep my phone to myself and always have done. I might leave it out on occasion but I wouldn't fear it being read, it's just a habit. However, it's the change in habit that I'm observing with SO.

@ bee06, I get what you are saying. I know it sounds shocking behaviour. One thing I should point out to all watching this thread is that I would never consider checking her phone. She has it well password protected anyway and I wouldn't dare even try to check it anyway.

The way she ignored the phone call yesterday is still the stand out event for me, I don't know why she wouldn't take it, or why someone who was ringing her would deserve to be cut off. And then to whisk off upstairs within 10 minutes of rejecting the call. I knocked off the radio when she went upstairs to see if I could hear anything but I heard very little activity. If anything less movement than usual.

I suppose what I really want to know is:

Is gut instinct always right? Mine is telling me something is badly wrong at the moment.

kiffer

I'm always surprised at how many people just leave their phones all over the place.
If mine is not in use, or on charge then it is in my pocket.
I walk around the building here in work and I see lots of people leave their iPhone out on the desk while they go for meetings and stuff... it's crazy.
I maintain a strong habit of keeping my phone with me so I am always amazed when people say they were suspicious because their partner took their phone with them when they left the room.

That said!
Major changes in behaviour are red flags.
going from leaving phone on the coffee table while going to make a cup of tea to never letting it out of sight.
Acting embarrassed about getting texts and so on...
I would say don't confront her, but do start a bit of a relationship check up...

LegacyUser

I think you're right kiffer, I need a relationship check up. I have been doing some checking since we had the massive argument and she suggested that maybe I would be better off without her.

I am always watching when in her company, it's true I never really switch off. Observing is one of my strong points but possibly a weakness too.

It also seems lately that she is not interested in accompanying me home, as if not wanting to visit my family and then guilty after my return (misplaced guilt about what she was doing whilst I was away?), saying that she wishes she went in hindsight. Also, always going on about "Tell your family I was asking for them". She also seems unhappy at the prospect of my sister visiting us in a couple of weeks. She's potentially ruled out the possibility of meeting her at all by the look of things, saying she'll have so many things on.

She is busier over the next few weeks than she has been in a long time. All things that will keep her from me. Her friend is visiting town this weekend and she already suggested me going home while her friend visits.

bp

I leave my phone wherever and my husband knows all my passwords etc but I would be shocked if he ever read my personal stuff and visa versa - I could read any of his of I wanted but wouldn't.

Change behaviour is odd, but are you happy in the relationship at present yourself

LegacyUser

I was happy until I started to suspect something was up, over the last few months. The doubts have probably damaged how I see the relationship though. Wondering if everything is OK does hinder how every encounter goes.

shalalala

I think it is the change rather than the actions. Also the loss of sex drive. I would tend to always so trust your gut OP. Something doesn't seem right, it is not something big, it is more little things that add up.

I would say you really need to trust the gut and I would say that if you just go outright and say it she will deny everything so possibly try and figure out what she is doing when you are away?

LegacyUser

I am so confused

skallywag

Mouldy_Nuns wrote: »

It also seems lately that she is not interested in accompanying me home, as if not wanting to visit my family and then guilty after my return (misplaced guilt about what she was doing whilst I was away?), saying that she wishes she went in hindsight. Also, always going on about "Tell your family I was asking for them". She also seems unhappy at the prospect of my sister visiting us in a couple of weeks. She's potentially ruled out the possibility of meeting her at all by the look of things, saying she'll have so many things on...

I would also find this alarming OP. Your gut instincts may well be, unfortunately, correct on this occasion.

Colser

Mouldy_Nuns wrote: »

I am so confused

For what its worth OP I am going through a break up at the moment (20plus years together).After having suspicions I did some digging and turns out gut instinct was correct(Im a huge believer also).All revolved around the phone which is always in hand/pocket and under the pillow at night.When I eventually got my hands on it I had no idea of password yet it was reported stolen immediately by him (while I was in the house and he knew I had it).

I wont go into more detail other than to say that we are finished(which is so painful/difficult) and she is very welcome to him now. i think the giveaway is the change of habits (also phone bills going elsewhere).
I really hope you are wrong OP but I would be very wary and vigilant if i were you. Good Luck

kiffer

Not wanting to visit family isn't really a big thing in my opinion... but the you leave town while her friend visits is a bit odd.
What do you know about the friend?

tinz18

Mouldy_Nuns wrote: »

The way she ignored the phone call yesterday is still the stand out event for me, I don't know why she wouldn't take it, or why someone who was ringing her would deserve to be cut off. And then to whisk off upstairs within 10 minutes of rejecting the call. I knocked off the radio when she went upstairs to see if I could hear anything but I heard very little activity. If anything less movement than usual.

Is it a case of you've been reading too much into how off shes been and how your sex life is suffering? She could be picking up on you observing and judging every little thing she does and being stand offish with you in return- some people are really sensitive to other peoples moods.

As regards the above and how innocent it could be... I always answer my phone when a call comes in- my friend rang yday evening and I just knocked it off (she's using me as an agony aunt constantly and there's only so much ignored advice you can give before giving up). Although I never ignore a call, I didn't say anything to my boyfriend, although I'm pretty sure he noticed, as he already thinks she's crazy and overly dependent on me so I don't want to reinforce that. 5 minutes later I went upstairs for a shower, plugged my phone into the upstairs charger then decided to do a bit of tidying in the room until he called me down to dinner.
You need to weigh up how much is paranoia on your part due to the other (possibly only perceived by you) problems in the relationship and figure out whether its all in your head or not. Have you discussed the issues with her?

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone for your advice and perspectives. I think I am going to have to sit on this one for the moment, keep quiet and keep an eye out for more suspicious behaviour from gf. The only thing to really do is stay quiet and keep observant.

We have had some discussion since the thread started but I think I need to reserve final judgement, after some hysterics in the conversation that ensued.

I am a big believer in the gut instinct. Very sorry to hear of your grief @Colser, sounds like a lot of misery but you are getting through it, fair play to you. It can't be easy.

@kiffer, the friend is a girl, they don't meet often. It does seem though that over the coming weeks, she has a lot of things keeping her away and busy.

We'll see. Can the moderator keep this open? I will hopefully keep this thread updated if anything new happens.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

SnitchingBubs

So let me get this straight,4 year relationship all things going good. She suddenly becomes secretive with her phone and laptop,deletes internet history for first time ever. Very suspicious behaviour. At the same time your love life is going downhill for a while now. She has no interest in seeing/dealing with your family and actively encourages you to go home during the week when she never did before.

Im sorry but all the evidence is only pointing to one thing. It's as clear as day. Im in a 5 year relationship and if all this was happening to me I would think the same thing. I think you know exactly what is going on but you don't want to believe it. Im really sorry OP but it really does sound like she is cheating on you.

LegacyUser

I was in the same situation, change in behaviour and the way she was sexually/kissing me. Left it for a while and one night after her being totally cold with me I read her phone while she was asleep. Turned out there was another fella. All I can say is go with your gut instinct. Four years is a long time so any change in behaviour means something is up.

LegacyUser

Mouldy_Nuns wrote: »

I believe we are all entitled to privacy with our phones. I keep my phone to myself and always have done. I might leave it out on occasion but I wouldn't fear it being read, it's just a habit. However, it's the change in habit that I'm observing with SO.

@ bee06, I get what you are saying. I know it sounds shocking behaviour. One thing I should point out to all watching this thread is that I would never consider checking her phone. She has it well password protected anyway and I wouldn't dare even try to check it anyway.

The way she ignored the phone call yesterday is still the stand out event for me, I don't know why she wouldn't take it, or why someone who was ringing her would deserve to be cut off. And then to whisk off upstairs within 10 minutes of rejecting the call. I knocked off the radio when she went upstairs to see if I could hear anything but I heard very little activity. If anything less movement than usual.

I suppose what I really want to know is:

Is gut instinct always right? Mine is telling me something is badly wrong at the moment.

Just in relation to gut instinct....Its not always right regarding relationship...I know from experience.....For the most part its a thought inside your head, however valid , don't trust your gut instinct when someone else is involved so closely......

Rubberchikken

just talk to her.
it sounds like she is either seeing someone else or interested in seeing someone else, but does not want to hurt you.

December2012

It doesn't seem to me like she's cheating, but it does seem like she is hiding something from you.

Did anything happen to her a few months ago?

What do you think she does online? Any gambling problems or internet addiction?

dixiefly

I think that you should try and stay around when the friend comes and try and actually determine if your gf is happy for you to be there.

Nothwithstanding that I would be trying to put in place some little tests to get some answers to this. You cannot be going on with this doubt too long, it will stress you out and could have a negative effect on the relationship even if she is totally blameless.

I was wondering, if you did go home at the weekend could you call her a few times and ask where she is etc in a general, interested way. See how open she is. I think if it was me I would say that I am going home and go somewhere else and drive by a few times over the weekend and try and get an answer either way. This stuff isnt good for the stress levels and consequently your general health.

Have you a really good close friend that could help check on her movements while you are away?

indigo twist

dixiefly wrote: »

Have you a really good close friend that could help check on her movements while you are away?

I really, really hope that's not a serious suggestion ... :eek:

dixiefly

indigo twist wrote: »

I really, really hope that's not a serious suggestion ... :eek:

Well it is a serious suggestion and I am surprised at your level of surprise at it.

The OP has a pretty strong hunch that there is something going on and, just because you are secretive about your phone and don't cheat doesn't mean that the Op's hunch is wrong.

I am married over 20 years and my phone and my wife's phone are both left around and we often look over each other shoulders at texts, Whatapp messages etc. the changes in behaviour are concerning.

In my opinion the OP will drive himself sick with worry and stress if this continues and his gf seems clever in how she is working things. It doesn't seem appropriate to make an accusation as it is unlikely to get a truthful answer if she is cheating.

My suggestion was just to get some help from a friend if the OP, if he is away I see nothing wrong with a friend driving by to see the lie of the land, car outside etc. Of course it is up to the OP to do whatever he wants.

Stavro Mueller

Mouldy_Nuns wrote: »

Thank you to everyone for your advice and perspectives. I think I am going to have to sit on this one for the moment, keep quiet and keep an eye out for more suspicious behaviour from gf. The only thing to really do is stay quiet and keep observant.

We have had some discussion since the thread started but I think I need to reserve final judgement, after some hysterics in the conversation that ensued.

Regardless of what happens next, I've a feeling your relationship's doomed. Not necessarily because of the phone but all the other stuff you've told us. I think wait and see is the best strategy.

indigo twist

dixiefly wrote: »

I am married over 20 years and my phone and my wife's phone are both left around and we often look over each other shoulders at texts, Whatapp messages etc. the changes in behaviour are concerning.

As a matter of interest, are your friends and your wife's friends aware of this?

If your wife's friend messages her in confidence about a personal problem, looking for advice, don't you think that she'd have copied in your phone number too if she actually wanted you to see it?

You know, it's actually quite healthy and normal and natural to maintain close private friendships even while in relationships. Just because your wife is close friends with someone, it doesn't mean you should be privy to their conversations.

If her friend wants to share something with you - they'll contact you themselves - otherwise, please stop creeping over your wife's shoulder - it's really not fair on her unsuspecting friends.

Witcher

indigo twist wrote: »

As a matter of interest, are your friends and your wife's friends aware of this?

If your wife's friend messages her in confidence about a personal problem, looking for advice, don't you think that she'd have copied in your phone number too if she actually wanted you to see it?

You know, it's actually quite healthy and normal and natural to maintain close private friendships even while in relationships. Just because your wife is close friends with someone, it doesn't mean you should be privy to their conversations.

If her friend wants to share something with you - they'll contact you themselves - otherwise, please stop creeping over your wife's shoulder - it's really not fair on her unsuspecting friends.

'over each other's shoulders'...so it's not just him doing it.

skallywag

In general I would never put something into a text message which I really did not want the recipient's OH to see. A lot of phones these days will flash the message up on the screen as it comes in, so it could easily be intercepted without any malice.

dixiefly

indigo twist wrote: »

As a matter of interest, are your friends and your wife's friends aware of this?

If your wife's friend messages her in confidence about a personal problem, looking for advice, don't you think that she'd have copied in your phone number too if she actually wanted you to see it?

You know, it's actually quite healthy and normal and natural to maintain close private friendships even while in relationships. Just because your wife is close friends with someone, it doesn't mean you should be privy to their conversations.

If her friend wants to share something with you - they'll contact you themselves - otherwise, please stop creeping over your wife's shoulder - it's really not fair on her unsuspecting friends.

My wife shares personal information over the phone or directly with the person, same with me. I dont read her messages or her mine but there is no concealing going on either. What I was saying is that sometimes she shows me messages and I her. There is an openness there, no deliberate concealing.

And, no, I dont go "creeping" over her or her friends message though you do seem to be itching for an argument with me here.

The point I am making is that in some relationshps people are easy going about this stuff. It would be a concern to me if my wife suddenly changed her behaviour in this regard unles she was up front and gave some explanation.

The change in behaviour is as much the issue as opposed to the concealing in the first place.

dixiefly

Blay wrote: »

'over each other's shoulders'...so it's not just him doing it.

I am really struggling to see what your point is here, I said we are both easy going about our phones etc. Why are you trying to repeat it. Are you trying to have a go at me?

I don't think anyone is having a go at you, and this isn't helping the OP, so let's move on please

santana75

Op it sounds like your intuition is screaming at you here. I'd listen to that. Forget about whats deemed normal behavior in relation to phones or laptops, something is up and you know it. She may not be cheating on you though, it could be that the relationship has just run its course and she wants out but is too scared to break it off. You say you've tried to talk to her and she got hysterical..........thats not so good. Thats somebody who cant communicate in a mature way. You deserve better than that surely? If it was me I'd remove myself from that situation.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear that. I know that some people have a basic level of paranoia and I get that but from what you describe here, the fact here has been a sudden change I hate to say it but it does sound like something is up.

Gut instinct is usually right. I was in a similar situation and the lengths I went to, to get the truth were not easy. I found out what I expected was right all along.

You can know the person so well and love them that you might feel so secure you wouldn't even question them or have any doubt.

Also some people have said ask her out straight, what makes you think she will tell the truth, people who cheat would sell their soul, if it suits them to have two people or more on the go they will say mass to keep them all on side.

So it can be tough but you will have to be smart and sit it out and think and do what you have to do to get your proof.

Is she is cheating surely she will have to go see the other person at some stage. Anyway keep us posted and lets know how you get on.

Beaner1

She's cheating on you. You know it. We know it.

All that is left is confirmation. You could ask her but that can result in denial and some self denial from you happy not to have to accept the reality.

Your best bet is to get into her phone or computer. Crap option but its the best one if you want the truth and the truth will set you free.

Est28

Mouldy_Nuns wrote: »

Thank you to everyone for your advice and perspectives. I think I am going to have to sit on this one for the moment, keep quiet and keep an eye out for more suspicious behaviour from gf. The only thing to really do is stay quiet and keep observant.

We have had some discussion since the thread started but I think I need to reserve final judgement, after some hysterics in the conversation that ensued.

OP, You sound either very young, very naive or both. Sitting on it is NOT going to fix anything. All the little tiny details and things you list out, you sound like you are way too sensitive. She's probably bored of you doting on her.

I keep my phone fairly private too but its not that act, it's that she CHANGED how she acts. There's obviously something going on, either she's cheating, thinking about it, wants out of the relationship, whatever... she's going through the motions right now, avoiding you, avoiding your family, seeming to have "so much going on" that her boyfriend of 4 years isn't involved?

Dude, please open your eyes for your own sake. Walk away before she does it to you to save at least a little bit of the pain. You're clinging right now "sitting on it" in the hope it will all go away.

Man, if you've had a couple of relationships in your life, you've probably gone through this, sounds like it's your first time. We've all been there, it sucked, but when it happens once, you know the signs and don't get sucked in a 2nd time.