Have I made the right choice?

SEANoftheDEAD

This week was the toughest week in my life and now I'm starting to doubt the decisions I have made...

I've been with my Fiancé, 7 & a half years... We've been engaged for 2 of em.
We finally moved into together 4 weeks ago, we have planned our wedding for next year and started saving for it and our house. But this week I broke up with her.

Reasons been: On Tuesday evening, I was helping her reset a password for one of her online things and while in her Gmail waiting for the reset password mail I stumbled across some WhatsApp messages in the drafts section...

In the messages, she was chatting to her ex from 8 years ago... well it started out as chatting and then quickly turned into some graphic sex talk.
My heart sank and I left the house. After visiting a friend, he advised me to confront her about the contents of the messages. And so I did...

I asked her to show me the messages. She refused. When she asked why? I said cause I know you have been texting your ex.
Her faced dropped and all she could say is "I've nothing to say and I don't know why I have been texting him". She left the house that night and went to her mothers. All I said was I needed time to think about things.

The next day, She came up and collected her things and moved out. There was a tearful goodbye. I asked her how did they get texting. She said "He text me first" cause he still had her number from 8 years ago. This is a lie, because when we were two years together, she was texting her other ex, and when that came out, apart of the make-up, was for her to change her number.

So since Wednesday, I have been bombarded with texts basically grovelling for forgiveness and promising me the world. Today, she admitted to how they got texting... She bumped into him on a work night out 4 weeks ago and swapped numbers and that's how it began. Apparently things had gone stale between us and he was given her attention. This is the same 4 weeks, were we moved in together and also had a 5 day trip to Rome.

My parents & friends reckon, walking away is the best thing to do as the trust is broken between us and it'd never be the same again.

I honestly dunno what to do... A huge part of me, wants to forget the whole week and try pick-up where left off... but the other part of me is saying that it is damaged beyond all repair and will never be the same again...

Have I made the right choice?

Betty Bloggs

She seems to have a track record with this behavior, consistently lies, and doesn't apologise unless caught.

You've made the right choice imo.

SEANoftheDEAD

You reckon so?

I did not see this coming. She never said anything to me about been unhappy.
So to see the messages really broke me.

My family and friends have given me the same advise but I wanted to get some neutral opinions on my situation

deckycoop

So after 7&hAlf years together she in the last 4 weeks has bein havin a little bit of sly sexy time txting. She has totally disrespected the last few years. Totally made a whore out of herself. And the killer wud be for me is who else mite she have tx in the last few years because she has the history to back it up.

Awkward Customer

Playing devil's advocate here. All this girl has done as far as I can tell is to send some naughty texts right? Admittedly it is to an ex so believe me I can understand what your feeling atm but at the end of the day she has not betrayed you imo.

She's unhappy, her real error was not confiding in you and trusting in the two of yous to be able to find a way to resolve her issues.

Anyway, while I understand you don't want to be taken for a chump, people make mistakes. The only person who can tell you if you've made the right decision is yourself. Not us, your friends or family.

You obviously love(d) this girl as you've spent almost 8 years together. To find your answer ask yourself 3 questions.
Do you think she loves you? Do you still love her? Can you forgive her for a second time?

If yes to all 3 then you know what to do and you will get past this together.

Pat Mustard

SEANoftheDEAD wrote: »

In the messages, she was chatting to her ex from 8 years ago... well it started out as chatting and then quickly turned into some graphic sex talk.

"I've nothing to say and I don't know why I have been texting him". She left the house that night and went to her mothers. All I said was I needed time to think about things.

The next day, She came up and collected her things and moved out. There was a tearful goodbye. I asked her how did they get texting. She said "He text me first" cause he still had her number from 8 years ago. This is a lie, because when we were two years together, she was texting her other ex, and when that came out, apart of the make-up, was for her to change her number.

Have I made the right choice?

People make mistakes, and it's good to forgive people to repair the damage that can happen in relationships.

In this case, it's hard for an outsider to tell for sure, but this seems like a there is lie upon lie.

I'd be very hard to convince that an assurance that it would never happen again, wasn't just an empty promise.

As I say, hard to know, but I'd be sceptical.

better call saul

Awkward Customer wrote: »

Playing devil's advocate here. All this girl has done as far as I can tell is to send some naughty texts right? Admittedly it is to an ex so believe me I can understand what your feeling atm but at the end of the day she has not betrayed you imo.

She's unhappy, her real error was not confiding in you and trusting in the two of yous to be able to find a way to resolve her issues.

Anyway, while I understand you don't want to be taken for a chump, people make mistakes. The only person who can tell you if you've made the right decision is yourself. Not us, your friends or family.

You obviously love(d) this girl as you've spent almost 8 years together. To find your answer ask yourself 3 questions.
Do you think she loves you? Do you still love her? Can you forgive her for a second time?

If yes to all 3 then you know what to do and you will get past this together.

Do you want OP to get shafted again? Because this is how hell get shafted again

SEANoftheDEAD

@ - Awkward Customer

Of course I love her. That's why I want to forgive her so badly.

The sex-texts hurt cause they are to a previous boyfriend (who is married now by the way) and this is the 2nd time this has happened. I really couldn't allow myself to have it done a 3rd time.

Your right in what your saying that, as far as I been told, it has only been texts... but who knows what else she has been up too...

Maybe I'm been too paranoid

Witcher

deckycoop wrote: »

And the killer wud be for me is who else mite she have tx in the last few years because she has the history to back it up.

+1

That would be a concern for me too. She was doing it two years in and now seven years in. It's unlikely imo that she wasn't doing the same thing in the intervening 5 years too, only you didn't find out.

Look at it this way, she lied to you once and did the same thing on you when you were much deeper into the relationship...you're planning your wedding and she's doing this to you. Do you really want to forgive her a second time, marry her, and find out down the road that she lied to your face again and has been texting other guys or worse?

I'd have kicked her to the kerb the first time but that's just me.

DukeOfTheSharp

Do yourself a favour, forget about her. And I'm saying that in the nicest way possible.

Honestly, that's all you can do. If this was the first time she did this, I'd have a completely different opinion, but she clearly doesn't have the mentality for a committed relationship, especially when 'stale' to her is going on a trip to Rome and moving in together. I mean, you could put it down to the stupid, pre-marriage commitment freak-out people have, maybe once, but not twice. If her reaction was 'I'm going to sext my married ex' because she was 'getting attention' (that's quite immature really) from him, when her mentality changed - not yours - then she's not consistent in her thinking, and that could spiral into something much, much worse down the road. In fact, the very issue of getting so easily distracted and deterred from her relationship is, in itself, a big red flag. And the fact that she didn't confide in you, instead looking for outside gratification, shows a level of emotional instability and immaturity that's worrying on many different levels.

I strive to give a new perspective on these situations, but sometimes you've just got to call it like it is: you don't trust her, she clearly doesn't believe you'd be able to support her and her respect towards your relationship is nonexistent. I'm truly sorry, but there's nothing you can do in the face of that kind of behaviour, she is who she is and it's better this happened before you got married, as opposed to after when things would be a great deal messier for the both of you.

Addle

You've made her actions public, there's usually no going back from that OP.

CaraMay

Op I'm sorry but it sounds like she is the type of girl who just wants to get married to the extent that she may be willing to marry the wrong person. The reason I say the wrong person is that you would not need (repeated) kicks like this from other men if it's the right person.

She obviously has no respect for the institution of marriage if she is doing this with a married man. She also needs serious attention and maybe more than one man can give her. How dare she say it was gone stale given you were moving in together and going to Rome. Sorry op but this one will never be happy with one man.

I know you love her but she is messed up and will only drag you down with her again.

SEANoftheDEAD

Thanks for all the advise regardíng this, people!

It is a tough time for myself. The feedback on my decision in this thread has given me some confirmation in making the right choice.

nc19

Whats going to happen when you forgive her and get married and after kid number 2 she gets bored and does it again??

Finish it now and move on

hoodwinked

i'm under the whole everyone can make a mistake, i know i have made a few over my life and forgiveness is key to moving on.

BUT she continued this behind your back for weeks? she made a continuous choice to sext (or be emotionally unfaithful to you) with this guy for weeks, that would have me saying by all means forgive her but i would if i were you move on and find someone who respects you more and is willing to give you what you are looking for (a monogamous relationship) because at this moment in time this girl is unable to do so.

SEANoftheDEAD

hoodwinked wrote: »

i'm under the whole everyone can make a mistake, i know i have made a few over my life and forgiveness is key to moving on.

BUT she continued this behind your back for weeks? she made a continuous choice to sext (or be emotionally unfaithful to you) with this guy for weeks, that would have me saying by all means forgive her but i would if i were you move on and find someone who respects you more and is willing to give you what you are looking for (a monogamous relationship) because at this moment in time this girl is unable to do so.

Your username is how I feel

I managed to get her ex's number and address. I called him this morning and he pretty much confirmed everything she said... My paranoid head is telling me he was prepped for such a call.

What is annoying me now is... they both seem to think "sexting" is okay to do... even they are both in relationships and are ex partners....

hoodwinked

SEANoftheDEAD wrote: »

Your username is how I feel

I managed to get her ex's number and address. I called him this morning and he pretty much confirmed everything she said... My paranoid head is telling me he was prepped for such a call.

What is annoying me now is... they both seem to think "sexting" is okay to do... even they are both in relationships and are ex partners....

best advice i ever got from an ex, walk away, have absolutely no contact for 4 weeks (set an exact timeframe), no viewing her facebook/twitter/whatever page, no texts, absolutely nothing to do with one another, tell her you want to do this and to respect your descion, you'll then see if she respects you enough.

in 4 weeks see how you feel, if you at that point want to see her meet for a coffee no strings attached and see how you get on,

right now you are too involved in the hurt/love cycle, and only time apart can heal that, every text, every view of her social media will set you back.

eyescreamcone

She gotta go
She gotta go

sadie06

As far I can see, this girl has already had her second chance many years ago, so if you forgive her again you are sending out a message that it's OK to mess you around, and the most it will ever cost her is a couple of weeks of uncertainty and worry.

I strongly advise you to walk away. It is a painful move, but your dignity will be intact. A happy future is almost impossible with this level of distrust in the mix, and if you put another couple of unhappy years into this relationship before it fails, you will regret it deeply.

Best of luck, and keep talking to family and friends.

SnitchingBubs

With the history of lies from your partner I would be very suspicious about this work night out, where they met and swapped numbers. I don't know your partner but theres generally no smoke without fire. If it was me I would be very paranoid over whether or not it had gone beyond texting or swapping numbers.

But imho you made the correct choice, the trust has been broken.

LegacyUser

Op you have made the right decision, move on its over. Time to cut all contact , fb, whatsapp, twitter, emails etc with her.

<Modsnip - we dont link to other PI for discussion>

Relationships have ups and downs, you have to wonder if everytime you don't give her enough attention or you have a row is she gonna go off on one and hook up with her ex or somebody that will give her the attention she seems to crave. Sexting with an ex when is she about to get married next year...sorry thats not on.

EireGreg

No way never take her back, she got her chance before and did not respect you enough to learn from it, this isn't your fault its hers and its her lose to, they reckon the police only find 10 percent of the drugs been brought into this country, i like to think that about relationships to, so going on this you have only seen 10 percent of what she has done in the years you have been with her and that 10 percent is sexting i wonder what the rest is, you usually find the girls/boys that are been faithful have nothing to hide from the get go, thats how i see it anyway, best of luck plenty out there and i know the feeling.

SEANoftheDEAD

Just want to give an update on this...

It's been about 4 months since my break-up and I have to say the advice in this thread has been top notch. I've gone cold turkey in regards to contact with the ex and have made a clean break. In this experience, that was best thing to do!

The 1st 2-3 weeks were the hardest, no question. But I can honestly say now a couple of months on from that I am a happier person and feel excellent. Family and friends played the biggest part and have been beyond amazing!
That chapter of my life has closed and I am now ready to move on into 2015 with fresh hope and endeavour.
I'm even in a place now that I am not angry or upset anymore. If I saw my ex, I'd say hi and continue on about my business.

Just want thank the users in this thread for the advice. Hope you have a great Christmas and even better new year!!

IlmoNT4

Getting stale for her is moving in together, going to Rome and planning a wedding.... thats crazy OP

It doesnt say much for her commitment to the relationship or to you. If she wasnt getting enough attention after holidays, moving in together etc and wasnt able to talk to you about it, then I'd seriously question her ability to be in an adult relationship that involves marriage, commitment and potentially kids... What happens if you had kids and she wasnt getting enough attention?

There are loads of women out there who would love to be with a guy who wants to live with them, go on holidays and plan a wedding....

Crappyghost

And just for all us concerned boardsies..... How did she take your decision? What became of her?

Tokyo

Crappyghost wrote: »

And just for all us concerned boardsies..... How did she take your decision? What became of her?

Crappyghost - welcome to the PI/RI forum. However, please take the time to read the forum charter before posting in Personal Issues again. Asking the OP for updates is frowned upon here, for reasons laid out in the charter, and can result in an infraction or ban.

Regards,
Mike

Crappyghost

Gotcha Mike

ABajaninCork

I'm happy to know it's worked out for you OP. Keep reaching for the stars!

Good luck!

whiskeyman

I only started reading this thread this morning, and hoped you'd make the right decision.
Thanks for the update.
What you've done took balls, but you made sure you looked after No.1 = yourself.
How you've got to this point now proves that you've made the right choice, and I wish you continued happiness, fun and so much to look forward to.

Young_gunner

Exactky the right call Sean, short term pain- long term gain. Well done pal

SEANoftheDEAD

Young_gunner wrote: »

Exactky the right call Sean, short term pain- long term gain. Well done pal

Thanks mate.

Crappyghost wrote: »

And just for all us concerned boardsies..... How did she take your decision? What became of her?

I know there was a mod warning - But I don't mind answering this.

She wasn't happy about the decision. She really wanted another chance, and as much as I wanted to do it, my sister and mother really weighed in and talked sense into me about given the whole thing time.
I blocked her number on my phone and broke away from the online presence. Time was big thing, the first couple of weeks, my head was in the clouds... Didn't know what to do. But as it went on, it became clearer that I did the right thing for me.

To be honest, I have no idea what became of her. But as I said I'm not angry or upset anymore, so where ever she is, I hope she learned from her mistake and is getting on with life. I'll probably always have a bit of love for her so I wish her well. But that'll never be enough to get back involved again.