No spark, what can I do?

LegacyUser

Myself and my partner are in our late fifties, we love each other but the sex is poor. There's lots of warmth, lots of hugging which is wonderful, but I can feel no spark and can't get aroused. How he touches me shuts me down, it's too mechanical for me, and he can't seem to learn to do it differently. And when I try to increase variety and positions, he goes soft.

So now we have missionary sex that does very little for me. The one-sidedness of it does bother him and I'm sure he'd love it if I was more enthusiastic. I don't know if maybe he thinks I just have no libido.

My problem is that I feel unable to speak, like I've been struck dumb. I don't know how to talk about it, what to say or what to do without being a lot more direct which will surely hurt and insult him. And it may still not improve anything, only leave us so much worse off. How do you deliberately try to improve sex without creating embarrassment and awkwardness that might just finish it off altogether?

catonthewire

Hi OP...

Firstly, there is a spark hence the love, warmth and affection you mention in your post.....
This is vitaly important in any relationship.....
The key is good communication, could you arrange a night or few days away too a location that you both love, here you can relax together and you may then feel able to raise your concerns.....

Be gentle, not demanding, simply chat about your shared love for eachother and how you still find him irresistible in bed, this will give his ego a huge boost!
There are lots of websites that provide tons of information on this subject, have a look and use the advice to broach the subject...

Perhaps your husband feels exactly as you do, and is also afraid to raise his concerns....

LegacyUser

You're right, there is huge warmth and affection between us but it's the physical mismatch that's the problem. And I'm a bit afraid that you might be right here too, that maybe he "feels exactly as you do, and is also afraid to raise his concerns....". What kind of websites do you mean, ones about technique or ones on how to approach improve bad sex - do these latter ones even exist? I know that good communication is the key but I have no idea how to achieve this in this situation. Maybe we're just not sexually compatible but surely there's some way to improve what we have.

KatarinaSage21

Hi OP,

It seems as though you are trying so hard to make things work sexually. (Correct me if I'm wrong) You seem to be putting a lot of pressure and stress on yourselves to have sex. I know this may seem easier said than done, but why not try to take a step back, make things feel effortless again. For example, going on dates, enjoying the cuddling (as you said) without having the knowledge in the back of your mind that you're going to have to try sex. Everything should fall into place if you feel comfortable and less stressed out.

As for talking to your husband about it, if it is bothering you, which it clearly is, then you should really try to talk to him about it. Maybe you will find that he is feeling as frustrated as you and it could relieve a lot of tension on both parts. Sex is a natural thing and shouldn't be forced. I think that you should be doing everything you can to make it feel natural again and not "deliberately try to improve sex"

Since you have said that you have tried to improve your sex life with varied positions and it hasn't worked, maybe the problem is more psychological rather than physical. Talking to your husband could make things a lot better.

I hope everything works out for you, OP.

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP

Could I recommend this book, it was recommended to us by our GP:

Becoming Orgasmic: A sexual and personal growth programme for women by Julia Heyman & Joseph LoPiccolo

ISBN 978-0749929138


Maybe use it to inform yourself and then maybe leave it lying around to get a conversation started.


I wish you well.

LegacyUser

KatarinaSage21 wrote: »

Hi OP,

It seems as though you are trying so hard to make things work sexually. (Correct me if I'm wrong) You seem to be putting a lot of pressure and stress on yourselves to have sex. I know this may seem easier said than done, but why not try to take a step back, make things feel effortless again. For example, going on dates, enjoying the cuddling (as you said) without having the knowledge in the back of your mind that you're going to have to try sex. Everything should fall into place if you feel comfortable and less stressed out.

Yes, the fun has certainly gone out of it. But we're not putting pressure on ourselves to have sex, the opposite in fact. Nothing is going to 'fall into place' though, I know that at this stage.

Since you have said that you have tried to improve your sex life with varied positions and it hasn't worked, maybe the problem is more psychological rather than physical. Talking to your husband could make things a lot better.

Maybe there is something psychological there. I think if we weren't so invested in each other that it might be easier. If it was just a fling, for example, it would be easier to be forthright.

LegacyUser

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Hi OP

Could I recommend this book, it was recommended to us by our GP:

Becoming Orgasmic: A sexual and personal growth programme for women by Julia Heyman & Joseph LoPiccolo

ISBN 978-0749929138


Maybe use it to inform yourself and then maybe leave it lying around to get a conversation started.


I wish you well.

Thanks, I'll look it up online. From the title, I'm not sure though. It sounds like it's for women who have difficulty having orgasms - that's not me. I was pretty good at having orgasms before this relationship and I loved sex. I will check it though.

Buona Fortuna

Dumbstruck wrote: »

Thanks, I'll look it up online. From the title, I'm not sure though. It sounds like it's for women who have difficulty having orgasms - that's not me. I was pretty good at having orgasms before this relationship and I loved sex. I will check it though.

Hi Dumbstruck

So maybe its more about how to have the conversation than the mechanics?

They sell the book on Amazon btw and its one of those you can read a few extracts.

If you left the browser open say on that book and your OH saw it, would that be enough to spark a conversation?

Buona Fortuna

Hi Dumbstruck

In the light of your comment above I rechecked the books index, some of these topics may be of help:

• importance of trust and communication
• ways to avoid putting pressure on yourself or your partner
• how to encourage and support each other
• becoming less inhibited in front of your partner
• dealing with negative feelings about male genitals
• expectations and apprehensions about sharing your changes with your partner
• concerns from woman's pov
• concerns from man's pov
• new approaches to initiating and refusing sex

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your input, Buona Fortuna. I don't know if books are the right way to approach this but you've made me think. I've been focussing on the negatives on his side but maybe I should do what I can from my side (maybe to check out how to deal with the effects of the menopause) and this could lead into improvement with no blame/guilt implications on either side. It's just that I've never come across this before - someone who is so clumsy in the bedroom that it makes me freeze. Romantic it is not. But this relationship has so much going for it that we'll both stay in it anyway and I really want him to feel loved.