do I leave my boyfriend???

monday10

Ok here I go!! I think my boyfriend is depressed. He works 7 days a week( farmer) has lost interest is all the things he used to love even sex. He is so unhappy but point blank refuses to admit that he has a problem. If I mention his unhappiness he gets very angry and will then ignore me for days. He then turns it back on me and tells me I'm the one who is depressed.
It has gotten to the point where he will only go from bed to work nothing else. He will tell me ( when he is drinking) that he feels trapped by the family and the farm and his big dream would be to move away with me where we can have a normal life. When he is drinking ( once a week at home) is the only time he will talk to me, the rest of the time he ignores me.
He is a wonderful kind gentle man and I love him with all my heart.
The problem for me is I now feel trapped, I think he might be thinking about killing him self. He won't get help at all no matter how I incurrage him...... it has been like this for the last 3 years. Do I stay and just keep trying to help???

Buona Fortuna

Oh Dear Monday I do feel for you.

I can appreciate, to some extent, how the land and farm could seem like a noose round someone's neck.

• There are some stickies at the beginning of this forum with organisations that might be able to help.
• Take a look at the Farming and Forestry forum which also has some stickies at the top
• Any chance of the two of you getting away for a few days, maybe abroad?

All I have for now, but I do wish you well.

monday10

Thanks, I did manage to convince him to go to wexford during the summer. He did try his best to improve his mood, he even came for a 20 minute walk with me, but he just spent the weekend in bed.
He is dieing. I know he is. He has lost stones in weigh, I cook for him every day but refuses to eat( he says I can't cook probably, I'm a chef!!) He is so angry all the time. The only word that comes out of his mouth is hate. He hates everything and everyone.
I have done personal development courses, I have done some training in counselling, spoken to aware, taken a suicide prevention corse. I also go to yoga once a week and meditation once a week. I also see a councillor every second week to help me cope.
I don't know what else to do. He won't help himself!!

Tokyo

OP, to be blunt, it sounds like you BOTH need counselling and support as soon as possible - he is obviously going through serious depression and needs professional help, and the current situation is incredibly damaging to you as you have been living with this on a daily basis for three years now, taking on the burden of responsibility.

The first thing to note is that this is NOT your fault - we get many threads here from partners of those suffering from depression and it's important to remember that there is only so much that you can do for him - you can't MAKE him get help - that has to be his choice. Depression is incredibly difficult at times, and many people who suffer from depression don't see that it is also difficult for those living around them. So you need to talk to him honestly about the effect that his depression is having on you, and you may need to be cruel to be kind - that it's depressing you too and that you are not sure how much longer you can stay with him like this if he doesn't seek help. I think that you may also need to involve his family in this too and let them know - if it has gotten to the point where you are genuinely concerned that he may be in suicidal distress, then that supersedes everything else. and it's a burden that you should not be bearing alone.

Regarding your concerns about what he might be contemplating - our Useful Links section contains information on depression support groups and seeking counselling, but it also contains links to support organisations who are not only available to those in suicidal distress, but also available to somebody such as yourself who is worried about a loved one or friend. Please take teh time to call. In addition we have a collaboration here with turn2me.org - an online mental health community providing peer and professional support to people in distress. They have a representative on Boards.ie contactable at turn2me.org - you can drop them a PM directly with your concerns (you will have to log in to do so) and it will be dealt with discreetly and anonymously.

I wish you both well.

monday10

I get your point mike and thanks for your advice.
I know he needs help but I can't get him to go to the shop for a pint of milk let alone to go to the gp. I have spoken to his family they know my concerns. They feel the best thing for him is to keep working that will"keep his mind off things". I feel that I have gone above and beyond to try to help him. I have contacted all of the links that you gave me at one point or other over the last 3 years.
The point that I'm at now is do I leave. I feel that I have done all I can do. Is it selfish to leave? Will my leaving be the straw the breaks the camels back? I want my life back!! Its like living in hell.

Penny Tration

monday10 wrote: »

I get your point mike and thanks for your advice.
I know he needs help but I can't get him to go to the shop for a pint of milk let alone to go to the gp. I have spoken to his family they know my concerns. They feel the best thing for him is to keep working that will"keep his mind off things". I feel that I have gone above and beyond to try to help him. I have contacted all of the links that you gave me at one point or other over the last 3 years.
The point that I'm at now is do I leave. I feel that I have done all I can do. Is it selfish to leave? Will my leaving be the straw the breaks the camels back? I want my life back!! Its like living in hell.

This is a hard thread to read, because it's horrible to hear what you're going through.

I would have done as others suggested, and recommend services to you.
However, you're saying you've contacted them all.

You're trying to help him, you're trying to look after him, you're going to counselling yourself.

I don't know what more you can do, sweetheart.

I don't generally recommend that somebody leaves a depressed partner, but it's been three years, and you've done everything you can.

The fact that you're in therapy speaks volumes. You're suffering with your mental health because of the situation.

I think for once, you need to put your own health first, and leave.

LegacyUser

Can you ring his Gp or go & see him & explain the situation with your boyfriend & that he won't go too see him (doc) but would the doctor pay him a visit & have a chat. I went through a very similar situation with my husband who was angry at everyone & everything,& was just existing. I got someone to see him & he difference is amazing. He now admits that he had a problem & says he is feeling so much better/happier now thankfully.n

dellas1979

monday10 wrote: »

I know he needs help but I can't get him to go to the shop for a pint of milk let alone to go to the gp.

OP-the penny hasnt dropped for you yet...

In as gentle way as possible, you cant get him to go or do anything, because only himself can get himself to go and do the things that might help him.

Not you. No matter how hard you try. It never will be you. I cant imagine how horrible it is to see someone in this state. But it is not your fault.

Buona Fortuna

monday10 wrote: »

The point that I'm at now is do I leave. I feel that I have done all I can do. Is it selfish to leave?

Hi again Monday, I'm glad Mike and GreenScreen have come in too. I felt a little bit lost when I replied first.

Sometimes we need to be selfish. We need to look after ourselves first or we help no one. Is it possible to leave but still be your OHs gf? What I mean is would it be possible to just move out, just to give yourself some headroom. Maybe move in with friends or relatives until the dust settles?

Will my leaving be the straw the breaks the camels back? I want my life back!! Its like living in hell.

I don't know, but that doesn't mean its your fault.

Say we're in the desert with no water and I'm carrying you. It becomes clear to both of us that we cannot make the next oasis with our rate of progress. We have a painful choice that I can leave you and bring back water, or we can stay together and both possibly perish.

I'm not sure that was the greatest analagy but I hope it gives you something.

I wish you well hun. We'll be here if you want to keep in touch.

monday10

Thanks to everyone.
My councillor has advised me to leave now. She thinks he is going to kill himself, she says all the signs are there, talking about wills, he keeps moving his gun around all sorts of things.
I know he is going to die. His family won't help me.
I know I need to go. I think the reason I came on here is to see what would a normal person ( not a mental health professional) would do. I think I am just preparing for what I think is coming and the guilt that comes with that.
I think I'm just hoping that someone here has been through this and it worked out for them, that there loved one survived. Its the despair and desperation that is killing me.

Stavro Mueller

This isn't a piece of advice but a question. Is there anyone (e.g. GP, mental health services) who can be contacted?

monday10

No not if he won't do it himself. I have spoken to gp. The only way or hope at this stage is he looks for the help himself or he attempts suicide and fails at that point his next of kin can have him sectioned.

king_of_inismac

Leave - this isn't something you can fix yourself.

As much as you care for him, this a toxic relationship. Don't forget to look after yourself also.

If possible, tell others who can support him about his condition. But first and foremost, leave!

Whispered

Op I've been through what you're going through now - although I was much younger and the relationship was a teenage one. The eventual realisation that no matter what support I gave him, it wouldn't be enough, hit me like a tonne of bricks. I still remember the dread when I realised I could do no more for him and had to decide to stay and accept things as they were or leave and try to make a life for myself. The thing that pushed me to leave was the acceptance that if my leaving was enough to push his hand then even if I stayed it was only a matter of time until something else upset him enough. I won't lie, I suffered badly from it. I now think I left that relationship with a form of ptsd. I can remember very little of my life between the ages of 15 - 18. I don't regret leaving though.

In my view, Suicide is something you will do or you won't. There will always be a "straw" if it's not you leaving, it will be something else. People live through hell and don't kill themselves, people with relatively good lives get lost in depression and they do. I truly believe the tendency is there or it isn't.

If you've done all you can and feel like you can't do more. If you've gone to his family and tried to get him to accept help. If you are happy, for your own peace of mind, that there is nothing more you can do, then your choice becomes easier.

It's a hard thing to do. I understand that.

Also op, I'm not trying to be alarmist but look after your own safety. I personally wouldn't feel secure staying in a house with a person who I know is suicidal, possibly unstable and has a gun. I'm aware the majority of suicides involve nobody else, but you do hear awful stories.

Mind yourself. Xx

tomwaterford

monday10 wrote: »

Thanks to everyone.
My councillor has advised me to leave now. She thinks he is going to kill himself, she says all the signs are there, talking about wills, he keeps moving his gun around all sorts of things.
I know he is going to die. His family won't help me.
I know I need to go. I think the reason I came on here is to see what would a normal person ( not a mental health professional) would do. I think I am just preparing for what I think is coming and the guilt that comes with that.
I think I'm just hoping that someone here has been through this and it worked out for them, that there loved one survived. Its the despair and desperation that is killing me.

well....even if leave or not (you should IMO)...take his guns and give them into the gaurds....they will accept them if you say the circumstances

I don't think there is much more you can do

Semele

I agree that you can't stay like this. You may even be in a better place to help him as a friend, with more distance, for the time being at least.

I would speak to his family again and tell them your plans- realising that you aren't going to be there to manage things anymore might be enough of a kick in the bum for them to seek other help. I would advise them to request a mental health assessment for him and perhaps put it all in a letter too, as they might be more open to thinking about things when not on the spot, so to speak. It may not do anything, but I would also copy his GP into the letter just to feel assured that I had made my position as clear as possible. It may also open lines of communication if his family are aware that the GP already knows of the issues.

I'm not sure how it works in ROI, but in the UK a mental health act assessment can also take place if someone presents to A&E, or are brought in by the police. It may seem extreme, but if there is a point where you are genuinely afraid suicide is imminent then I would call an ambulance and/or the police (especially if he is playing with his gun), fill them in and demand that he be assessed as you do not feel that you or he are safe. You might want to be off the premises at the time, or at least escorted by some male friends, as your partner might become angry once he realises what is happening.

It's a horrible situation OP, but if you have tried all these things there really is nothing more you can do and you have to look after yourself first.

Jenneke87

I would be very worried that someone who is so depressed has acess to a weapon. Not only is this a disaster waiting to happen with his level of depression but what if you say the wrong thing, he snaps and turns it on you? This man is not in a right state of mind, do not underestimate this. I don't mean to frigthen you nor am I trying to portray all men as potential violent creatures but this situation is dangerous for everyone involved. Get rid of the gun asap, if you can.

Would it be selfish to leave? I think not, you going down with him will help nobody, only he himself can make the decision to get better, but people often have to hit rock bottom for that in order to happen. Leaving does not have to mean that you end the relationship, but rather you taking a step back from what's clearly a toxic sittuation, getting your strenght back and helping him from a distance. His family needs to understand how urgent the situation is. Is there a reason they care so little or do they just not want to face the facts?

I wish you both well,

Take care, J

Rubberchikken

truthfully, you seem to have done more than enough. for your own sake, i'd suggest leaving. it can't and won't be easy but until someone is willing to help themselves, no one can do anything.
it sounds like he's reaching rock bottom, and i hope for his sake and yours, that he does reach out and get help.

his family's attitude of 'keep working etc' is unhelpful and is a serious case of head-in-the-sand mentality. but that's not your concern.

i'm sorry you have to deal with this. for your sake contact any support group mentioned in above posts, you're going to need all the support you can get.


take care

SATSUMA

Hi Op,

Can you look into getting him sectioned (put in hospital ) under the mental health acts if hes suicidal? You should go to your GP. I cant understand how no service can support you when this man is obviously unwell. Not recognising his own illness is part of it. If hes not eating.... And he has guns.... Yes he will hate you, but you might be saving his life...

Best of luck x

December2012

Eh, when you mentioned the gun I immediately thought of your safety.

If you leave, please take proper precautions for you. I know you're concerned about him, and I am not saying he is presently abusive, but I worry that something emotional could escalate quickly with a drastic outcome.

You might find this link helpful

http://www.womensaid.ie/help/informationforwomen/safetyplanning.html

Beaner1

I'd leave him. Life's too short to have somebody take you down with them for years on end.

beks101

Oh what a desperately sad situation. Your poor pet. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it must be so distressing.

You're right, he is dying. He's given up. He's clearly consumed by a very deep and very dark clinical depression, anyone who has been through this will tell you that it's got nothing to do with you and is out of your hands. It's not up to you to save him and you're not a mental health professional so not equipped to give him the support he needs.

I wish I could give you more solid advice, but all I can think of is what I would do in the same situation. I would write all of this down in a letter. How much you know he is suffering. Your pain, helplessness and absolute devastation at watching him go through this. How you have tried endlessly to help him over the years but have been left feeling so hurt and so alone. How you know that he has shut down, is giving up and it's not fair on you to sit around and watch it happen anymore. How you love him but need to put your own life and mental health first for a change.

And then I'd leave. Contact his family, tell them of your plans and move out. No-one knows what is ahead for him but as another poster said, if he decides to end it all that is a decision that is out of your hands and that would be taken at some stage one way or another anyway.

Take care of yourself love x

Emme

monday10 wrote: »

Ok here I go!! I think my boyfriend is depressed. He works 7 days a week( farmer) has lost interest is all the things he used to love even sex. He is so unhappy but point blank refuses to admit that he has a problem. If I mention his unhappiness he gets very angry and will then ignore me for days. He then turns it back on me and tells me I'm the one who is depressed.

It has gotten to the point where he will only go from bed to work nothing else. He will tell me ( when he is drinking) that he feels trapped by the family and the farm and his big dream would be to move away with me where we can have a normal life. When he is drinking ( once a week at home) is the only time he will talk to me, the rest of the time he ignores me.

He is a wonderful kind gentle man and I love him with all my heart.
The problem for me is I now feel trapped, I think he might be thinking about killing him self. He won't get help at all no matter how I incurrage him...... it has been like this for the last 3 years. Do I stay and just keep trying to help???

OP you have been very courageous to stay and help him but is he willing to help himself at all? Does his family know he is suicidal or so unhappy?

How did he get into farming? Did he get into it because it was expected of him or because he wanted to do it himself? If he feels that he was coerced into it this may be contributing to his depression. Or feeling that he wants to get away may be a symptom of his depression.

If he refuses to get help there is little more you can do. Leaving him would be difficult but if he won't change it would enable you get on with your life.

If you leave you could let him know that you are there for him if wants to leave the farm and start a new life with you doing something different. Has he any idea what he would like to do? He might need to train again and you would have to support him financially.

Many fine people have wasted their lives on farms because they stayed on account of family expectations, not because they wanted to farm. Is his family dysfunctional? Farming can be a very enmeshed situation and if a farmer is living in a dysfunctional situation 24/7 this can be very difficult and almost impossible to escape. If the farm is in your boyfriend's name he might feel that he cannot escape because the farm may be in his name, but if it has been in the family for generations it isn't really his. He may be supporting elderly parents or siblings from the farm.

The best way to escape such an enmeshed situation is to physically remove oneself from it but could he remove himself from it in other ways? Do you live on the farm with him or in a nearby town? If you are living on the farm with him would it be possible to move to the nearest town or somewhere a few miles from the farm so he can go there in the morning, leave in the evenings and be physically away from it some of the time. Maybe you have suggested this already and he didn't listen.

If you leave it might give him the impetus to leave the farm and follow his dreams but the outcome might not be so positive. Whatever happens you must think of yourself but if you leave and this is what you want let him know he is welcome to come with you. Somebody needs to take action and it will have to be you.

You might get help and support on the Farming and Forestry forum as some members there might have personal experience of such a situation. I am from a farming background myself and can understand your situation AND that of your boyfriend.

Emme

monday10 wrote: »

I get your point mike and thanks for your advice.
I know he needs help but I can't get him to go to the shop for a pint of milk let alone to go to the gp. I have spoken to his family they know my concerns. They feel the best thing for him is to keep working that will"keep his mind off things". I feel that I have gone above and beyond to try to help him. I have contacted all of the links that you gave me at one point or other over the last 3 years.
The point that I'm at now is do I leave. I feel that I have done all I can do. Is it selfish to leave? Will my leaving be the straw the breaks the camels back? I want my life back!! Its like living in hell.

They don't seem to be a very understanding family. There is your boyfriend working 24/7 on a farm he hates and wants to leave and all his family are saying is "man up, keep working, it will get your mind off things". People in rural Ireland are starting to understand depression more but there are still families who refuse to understand it or accept that it can affect them. The outcome of this can be tragic. Perhaps your boyfriend would be better off to leave the farm but it is not a decision to take lightly.

I can understand that you want your life back and I would advise you to take it back. Maybe your boyfriend will follow you and take his life back as well.

Witcher

tomwaterford wrote: »

well....even if leave or not (you should IMO)...take his guns and give them into the gaurds....they will accept them if you say the circumstances

I don't think there is much more you can do

Do not take a firearm you are not licenced for, it's illegal for you to possess it no matter what the reason. For all you know in his state of mind he might have it loaded and you could accidently fire it. Also if he saw you taking them it could get nasty so don't do it.

If you're going down that route contact the local Garda station and they will seize it if they think it's warranted.

paperclip2

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Pieta House have a specialised support specifically for farm families. Maybe they can help?

http://www.ifa.ie/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/IFA-Pieta-House-Web-Version.pdf

Aimeee

What an awful situation for you op and your bf in this dreadful place.
Is there any possibility of you going to gp explaining situation and maybe gp would do a home visit. At least then gp could refer to psychiatric services, or get cpn to visit and they could take it from there.

Alternatively he could present at a&e as was mentioned in another post, but I understand getting him there would be the problem.

I wish you the very best with this. Look after yourself. X

monday10

Thanks to everyone for there advice, he is in the hospital.
He is very upset with me and feels that I have betrayed him. I won't go into details about how I managed it as I am worried someone will realise who am on here and I don't want to cause him or his family any more embarrassment then I already have as people in the local community are already asking alot of questions about the camotion.
I don't know if I have done the right thing or not but I feel he is in the best place to try and get better.
It helped be alot to here other people's point of view, I suppose when you are dealing with a loved ones depression over a long period of time, you get to the point yourself where you can't see the wood from the trees. It was only when it was pointed out to me that my own safety was at risk that it even crossed my mind. I know to some of you that sounds stupid it even sounds stupid to me now. Its amazing how consumed and overwhelming it becomes.
I don't know where to go from here or what to do, but at the same time I feel a glimmer of hope.
Thanks again to everyone who replied it really did help.

Whispered

However you managed it, well done. He probably will be angry with you, but at least you know you have literally done everything you could.

You're right about it being hard to see the woods for the trees! Take a deep breath and relish the bit of space you have to clear your head and think about things.

Lisha

Best of luck op. You are very right to protect your identity .
I wish you all the best for the future.
Don't make any rash decisions and look after yourself first.

ilovecakes

Well done OP, that can't have been easy but at least now he's in a place where he can't hurt himself or anyone else. You should try to take a bit of time for yourself now, all that stress can't have been good for you. Best of luck

Stavro Mueller

Well done. For what it's worth you did the right thing, however it is that you achieved it. I was a little shocked to read how you couldn't have someone as obviously ill as your boyfriend sectioned unless they sought help themselves or made a suicide attempt. They're always going on about suicide prevention and how suicide's such a massive issue, yet it would appear that people's hands are tied in certain cases. So however it is that you've got him to where he is, fair fecks to ya I hope some day he and his family come to realise what a great person you are.

Your boyfriend's hospitalisation is going to be a massive wake-up call not just to him but to his family. If the penny hasn't dropped for them yet, it soon will. If he's as depressed as you've described, he's not going to be coming home for a while. Mental health issues are still a stigma for some people but they're going to have to come to terms with the reality of what has happened under their noses.

It's not surprising that he's angry and upset at you but what else could you do? Leave him to wallow in his depression and possibly commit suicide? Because of what you've done, you've given him a chance. Perhaps you've given both of you a chance. Who knows? Take every day as it comes. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. After everything you have been through, look after yourself, ok?

Emme

Well done OP, what you did took tremendous courage. I hope that your boyfriend's family wake up and see he needs help. Thankfully he is getting it now.

You need to take some time out for yourself now to rest and decide what you are going to do.

suicide_circus

Well done OP, his family need to get off their holes and get involved here I feel. You've shouldered everything and done all you could. If he has any sense at all your bf will eventually realise your "betrayal" was in fact the exact opposite. Remember to look after yourself now too and dont neglect your own mental health.

Emme

OP, here is a link to a book written by someone whose situation was similar to yours but they were married. As far as I know it's fiction but it's a situation that could happen when a son is enmeshed in a toxic family that doesn't want to know there is a problem and tries to brush his suffering under the carpet. It isn't easy reading but you might identify with some of it.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Deadly-Dilemma-CJA-James/dp/1477230238/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1360261050&sr=8-1

Remember, you have done what you can for your boyfriend but it's up to him to decide if he wants to stay in the current situation with the farm when he comes out of hospital or if he wants to leave the farm and make something else of his life.

Your priority is to look after yourself. Remember that and don't feel guilty for it.

Buona Fortuna

Good for you Monday.

Really pleased for you. I hope things start to get back on track.