Wondering should I raise this with my mother?

LegacyUser

This is a difficult situation and I don't want to put it in Bereavement because whilst it is about a family member who has passed, we are not still grieving like we were, it happened a long time ago.

About 20 years ago a very close family member killed himself. At the time we were bereft about why and his letter didn't shed very much light on it. We had our theories and moved on as a family as best as you can.

Recently, a musician friend of his has become kindof famous. He writes his own stuff. He is becoming more and more well known. He wrote a song in which we are positive is about my family member. In it, he alludes that he killed himself because he was gay. To anyone who would know who this musician is and how he is linked to my family, he would guess who he is referring to.

We have no reason to believe our family member was gay. We've no issue with it, but he had girlfriends. He had a few of them. He wasn't into GAA or football, he wasn't a guy you'd see down the pub downing pints, but there was no indication that he was gay.

This song seems to be getting more and more attention, certainly within our circles and nationally. How do we deal with this? Should I bring it up with my mother? I feel like I'm betraying her somehow by not telling her we are aware of the song and its connotations. I hate that this seems to be a theory that is being bandied about without any sort of basis that we are aware of.

I'm battling with this in my head..

750X

I think you should try and contact said musician and find out for sure. Maybe he knows/knew something others don't/didn't. If he's sound; then I'm sure he'll have no problem discussing it with you. If it is indeed about your family member; then I think you should/could raise it with with your mother. My opinion only.

December2012

What is stopping you from discussing this with your mother now? Is it worry?

LegacyUser

I think the whole thing would upset my Mum. She's not homophobic, but the allegation that your son is being out-ed by one of his friends, when we have no basis for believing its true could have a big impact on her. I'm wondering will she feel uncomfortable talking to people who she may suspect will have heard the song and put two and two together. Or questioning everthing we ever knew about him...

I have this awful guilt that I know about this and I'm not sharing it, but I have no one to talk about it to either.

December2012

One of the things about suicide is the wonder why and a feeling of not knowing the suicidal person.

You could contact this organisation http://www.console.ie to get advice on how to process this new information.

Can you contact the singer to find out who he's talking about?

Mr. Incognito

The song may not be about your family member.

And only he knew.

I would forget it and leave the past there

Merkin

Sorry for your loss. Assuming the song IS about your brother, you have to ask yourself what tangible benefit there would be for your mother to discover this information? I'm hazarding a guess a lot of soul searching, guilt and being very hard on herself would ensue as she'd consider herself the root cause of the suicude if she was considered unapproachable or homophobic in any way. I'd say leave it if at all possible but for your own sake Id contact the singer and ask them if it's about your brother so at least your own question has been answered.

Faith

I wonder why you're so sure the song is about your family member? It's been 20 years since his suicide - the singer may have known others in the intervening years who've also committed suicide. Is there a specific reason, or could you just be putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5? I think you should be 100% sure who it's about before you involve your mum, if you think it could be upsetting to her. Try and contact the singer, if you can, before doing anything.

Additionally, songwriting is not typically that factual. It may be a spin on a life event, or it may be based entirely on fiction. Unless there's something really specific in the song (like a line saying "20 years ago, my friend [family member] killed himself), I'd be cautious of jumping to conclusions about it too quickly.

indigo twist

If I were in that situation, I would choose to assume that the song is not about that family member, unless I'd been specifically told otherwise by the songwriter himself.

Songs often aren't based on factual events, but can be inspired by them. Perhaps there are specific lyrics in the song that reminded you of your family member's death, and yes, perhaps his suicide was part of the inspiration for the song. (Or perhaps the songwriter has had other similar experiences of suicides over the years.) But the homosexuality aspect might be coming from somewhere else entirely - perhaps he or someone close to him has struggled with their sexuality, and he is understanding of how this could lead to suicidal feelings.

I wouldn't even ask him about it, if I were you. It's quite possible that it never crossed his mind that you'd think the song was about your family member, and he'd probably feel awful at the idea of upsetting you and your family. The song's out there in the public now anyways, by the sounds of it, so it's not as though there's really anything he can do to change that.

I don't see the point of saying anything to your mother. I doubt anyone would be so insensitive as to bring it up with her, so it's unlikely it will become an issue. If anyone directly asks you whether the song refers to your family member (which would be a pretty rude and insensitive thing to ask you), simply reply that it's nothing to do with them, to the best of your knowledge, and leave it at that.

Stavro Mueller

If this is true, I don't see any benefit in telling your mother any of this. You could do more harm than good in my opinion. Not only would you be reopening old wounds but you'd be throwing in guilt and more questions for her to deal with. I assume at this stage she has come to terms with this person's suicide and it may have taken her quite a while to get to this stage. Why push her back to square one, especially when it's an issue she has no control over.

I also wonder are you reading more into the musician's song than you should be? I liken it to someone reading their star sign and deciding that they're a typical Libra. In more cases than you'd think, people commit suicide without leaving any clues as to why they're doing it. It's human nature to want closure but in many cases it never comes.

Faith

As it happens, I was reading an interview with Hozier today, and he said this:

"It’s funny if friends ask if a song is about someone and the answer is mainly no because elements of songs are from different times and places, a combination of loads of different ideas. It’s like working in a junk yard, combining lots of different material. You could list off everything but it’s never as simple as just one meaning or one person.”

So maybe that can help to put your mind at rest that it's very unlikely the song is exclusively, if at all, about your family member.