Do I tell her?

LegacyUser

Just looking for some advice. I've a dilemma I'm going back and forth on for the last few hours.

About 2 years ago, I went on a work night out and ended up sleeping with a guy I was working with at the time. We were both really drunk. The horrible thing about the whole situation was that we both had partners. Not an excuse but I was going through a very rocky patch with my boyfriend at the time, we had actually broken up but hadn't started to tell people as we were waiting for a few weeks to get our own heads around it. The guy I was with (lets call him Brian) also had a girlfriend, although I wasn't totally sure they were together.

Woke up in bed together the next day and I instantly regretted it. We were casual friends outside work (friends of friends) and we decided just to agree not to be awkward about it and just carry on as friends. He didn't seem very guilty at all, whereas I felt like ass. In fact, he spent an hour trying again in the morning which I didn't remotely entertain.

I couldn't not tell my boyfriend. I ended up telling him everything, which obviously hurt him, but we agreed to work on things and are still together 2 years later and happier than ever. Brian never told his girlfriend and they are still together.

I've always felt particularly guilty when it comes to her - she has no idea this happened. We don't know each other other than to say hello on a night out but I can't even look at her. She seems like a lovely girl who is absolutely doting on Brian. To be fair, he seems very into her now as well.

They just announced they got engaged. I feel sick. She has no idea that this happened. As for Brian, maybe this was a once off for him like it was for me and he never cheated again. But his reaction the next morning, when he tried to have sex again, while sober, makes me think it's normal behaviour for him. Maybe if she knew, she'd have forgiven him like my boyfriend did for me. But my problem is that she doesn't know and I feel like I'm watching someone sign up for a life sentence, without having all the facts.

The logical part of me knows that it's not my place to tell her, and I won't. But every other part of me is screaming that if it were me, I'd want to know. Am I doing the 'right' thing by just staying out of it?

Thanks for any advice in advance.

dudara

How do you know that he hasn't told her?

In my opinion, it's absolutely none of your business. Look inwards to your own house and leave theirs be.

Idle Passerby

It's none of your business.You got everything out in the open with your partner and have put it behind you, that's all you should be worried about. Like the other poster said, you don't know that he hasn't told her and you don't know what their relationship dynamic is like. Sure from the outside it sounds unpleasant for her that she may not know this about her boyfriend but its not your relationship to meddle in.

jopax

Absolutely not, its two years ago now.
I can understand that you feel bad for her but it really is none of your business.
If you do this its only stirring up trouble.

Big Nasty

If the pair of you had that much to drink he was hardly sober the next morning. Dose of morning wood / hangover sex more like.

You both made a mistake, you've moved on (or have you?) - let him do the same.

ABajaninCork

Are you sure there isn't the teeniest bit of jealousy here, OP? What do you have to gain from telling her otherwise??

keysersoze0330

Two years! What good could possibly come of you telling her. Move on and leave them alone.

indigo twist

It's absolutely not your place to tell her.

I do think you did the right thing in telling your own boyfriend, but I'd avoid getting mixed up in someone else's relationship.

How would you feel if he'd taken it upon himself to talk to your boyfriend about what happened, before you'd had the chance to? It's just wrong.

Maybe he's told her; maybe he hasn't. But I think it would be best for you to just concentrate on your own life and on your own relationship.

cloudatlas

There are some cases that I would definitely advise telling the other partner but in this case no, from what you say they sound happy don't spoil their happiness. Just be glad that you did the right thing and your relationship is better for it.

piperh

No I don't think you should tell her. The only thing to come of it is you ease your guilt, so you would be deliberately hurting an innocent party to make yourself feel better. Does that sound like a decent thing to do?

What's past is past, focus on your relationship and let them get on with theirs.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't know the girl well enough to approach her. And she would not thank you if you did. You told your bf and you moved on and are now happy. How would he feel if you dragged all this up again?

Kidchameleon

Sounds like jealousy, you've had two years to tell her and it only occurs to you when they get engaged!

ted1

Say nothing, it's not your place and it's nothing to do with you.

CaraMay

I would want to know but I wouldn't tell her as you barely know her. I stsodct you have an element of resentment towards him as he 'got away with it' while you confessed and took the flak from your bf.

How do you know he didn't tell his fiancée?