what to do about my ex

LegacyUser

Hello

I was on this a while ago. Short story. Couldn't make a long distance relationship work so we decided to break up before the girlfriend went traveling for the summer. We were very fond of each other and a few days before she left the country she told me that she got a job only five miles from me. We didn't really get a chance to talk before she left but I always text every few days to make sure she was safe and she would send pictures of her travels. This fizzled out over the 2 months she was away and I thought it was because of the break up.

Randomly saw her in town one day and she told messhe met someone traveling and I said I was happt for her and wished her the best. She said she tried to make it work with me but because I wasn't texting her much after the break up that she moved on.

Well we met again this week and decided to get a drink. She told me about her travels and the new job and then told me how she really thought we would get back together when the job had come along. I said that I left it because I didn't think it was right to go into it over the phone while she was away and since she was only gone a month that we would talk when she returned. I said I just didn't think she would move on so quick SShe told me that if it was me who had moved on in 3 weeks that she would have been so hurt.

She told me that the new lad who is foreign is coming to Ireland to be with her and they are getting a place together. I was a little shocked because when she applied for the job I said that there was always a place for her at my house if she needed it but she said she didn't think we were there yet.

All that I can get but then she told me that the new lad isn't mad about Ireland and she doesn't know how long it will last. I told her that I really hope she is happy what ever happens but I said to keep my number because "you never know".

When I thought about it more though I question if I would get back together with her. Even though I'm still mad about her I wonder if she felt the same considering she moved on so quick and this new lad seems poler opposite to me in so many ways. For instance I wouldn't be into fashion but wear shirts and jeans and she would ask me to wear a more fitted shirt as my others look sloppy whereas he seems to dress like a hippie with baggy pants and facial hair..

I'm wondering if I should cut all ties with her which I hate to do because when we went for the drink I really enjoyed her company and I missed her all summer but if it doesn't work out for her and the new lad then I wonder if we get back together then will I just be the second choice or just the good old reliable.

Any thoughts are welcome.

PirateShampoo

Sounds to me like your the back up if her other relationship goes south.

CaraMay

She sounds like a muppet and I recall your post from before. What kind of person would bring someone here to live, with them, knowing it don't last. On too of that she is stringing you along. She has serious issues - run!

LegacyUser

I was on this before but I don't want any one that knows me to link it to me in real life. I asked the moderators and they said it was grand to do this.

I still don't think she is a Muppet or anything like that but I still like her so much that I'm sure my vision is clouded.when we were together she was so good to me and I like to think I was good to her but only she could say that for sure. When we had the drink together and she told me that if the roles were reversed and I met someone so soon that she would have been hurt. I told her the truth. That I tried to hate her when I found out she moved on but I couldn't. Thats still the truth. I know you will say I had no reason to hate her but if I did then it would have been easier to move on for me is all.

I don't know the ins and outs of him coming to Ireland but he seems to come from money so it doesn't seem a big deal for him to come over him and she has told him that she will not be moving away from Ireland. He seems to be happy to move over. She just said to me that he seems to be very outdoorsy and very used to the good weather of his home country so thinks he will struggle in our climate. Also he has enough money that he can basically not really worry about a living having ti be made.I don't think she is with him because of GIS money either because she never seemed like that as I had no major amount of money.

She also never said that we would get back together but just that if I had asked before she met him then she would have. My questions come into play about how she can move on so quick while still claiming that if it was me then she would be so upset about it. Also if it would kill her so much then how is she so willing to strive foreword at such a pace with the new lad.

Maybe I just thought I ment more to her like she did to ne and although it doesn't sound like it. I am happy for her ans do hope she is happy but I'm just feeling low. I realise that I need to get a grip and move on. I also know that if she asked me back I would be delighted but I would really have to think so hard about it and we would have ti ait down for a major heart to heart.

To be honest I'm the same as this post. All over the place. I'm basically just getting my thoughts out their and appreciate any insight that can be given. Thank you.

CaraMay

Op you aren't getting it. She is keeping you both dangling while not committing to either. This guy is moving abroad for her. He is moving in with her and yet she is saying she would have chosen you if you had asked in time. Wtf?

She doesn't really want either if ye but she doesn't want to be alone either. He is coming and she will be with him so cut all contact or you will only end up getting more hurt.

Buona Fortuna

I agree with Cara and Shampoo.

I've met people like this. They just have to be in a relationship.

She lives with someone and has you as first reserve. If she meets someone else do you all slot down a position?

Break all contact, FB everything - its the healthiest thing to do.

LegacyUser

Hello. Ya I get what your telling me. And I know your right. I'm just surprised how it worked out. We got on so well and were always on the same page for thinking. We also got on really well with each other's friends and they often commented that we just complimented each other so well. I'm just conflicted about it.

We had talked about the future and she told me that she realised that due to the nature of my work she knew she would have to move to me. I said that I realised that if this happened then I wouldn't expect her to forget about her old life and said that we could travel back to her home place every weekend or so.

From the moment we met we got on so well and I believe we would have done anything for each other and on both sides family and friends commented about how happy and content we seemed to be. We even felt it ourselves from going on a weekend away to just having a bottle of wine and a few veers while watching crap on tv. Even just lying in bed late into the day on Sunday.

The only time we would have a bad word to say was because we would both be very opinionated and I'm not great with authority and I hate when my opinion is dismissed but she is a teacher and is used to having control of a situation so we might have had a few sharp exchanges from time to time but never anything bad

I know I need to move on but I'm finding it hard and there will always be a bit of me that will miss the good times. Also because we clicked so well I wonder will I do so again with someone else or will they become my second best which would not be fair. Maybe im over thinking the situation.

Thanks for listening and any thoughts are welcome.

CaraMay

You have to try with new people til you meet someone it does clock with. Not being smart but if ye were that suited you would still be an item.

LegacyUser

Hello. Me again.

Just a heads up on the ex girlfriend situation and looking for some constructive criticism.

I tried to take your advice and move on but with the girl living so close and with the now boyfriend arriving last week I had a wobble. Something that I never mentioned before was that over the last 2years I have been struggling with depression and even though the ex knew I was having problems I never told her that it was depression nor how much it was affecting me. I didn't even completely admit it to myself until we broke up and I questioned why I was so unhappy with myself.

Even though the long distance was hard. I made it worse because I was in such a rut. We would make plans like I would call out to her home town or bring her to the airport and a few days before I would make excuses for not being able to do it. Usually saying that I think I would have to much to do on the farm. I can understand why she got the hump.

I told her a few weeks back that I realised I was depressed and was working on it finally.I text her recently saying that I wanted to meet but she was understandably apprehensive. I ended up texting her. Telling her how I felt about her and that I realised she was with someone but asked that if that wasn't always the case that she might consider giving me a second chance.

I know it wasn't fair of me but I told her how I thought breaking up was a big mistake for me and said how I wish I had been stronger at the time and asked her to not hate me for saying all this at such a bad time.

Her reply was that she had waited for me and didn't hear from me for a few weeks so decided to leave it after she text me from abroad saying that she missed me. I didn't realise that she was open to taking me back at the time and I was in a bit of a state anyway. She said she struggled with getting feelings for someone else. She told me that when It comes to getting back together then she doesn't know what the future holds but she is happy with the new lad even though it's still early days and she didn't want me waiting around and that my timing is way off.

I said how I was all over the place with the farm and everything and felt I wasn't good enough for her so that's why I broke it off. She was mad that I chose now to say all this and said that we had problems that didn't involve the farm and she believed she couldn't depend on me.

I know she was great for putting up with me and my crap for so long and I wish I realised it sooner. Before I hit the bottom.

She wished me all the best in the future and said she hopes I keep progressing and that im happy. I thanked her and wished her the same. I am happy that she found someone to treat her well but im so sorry for the way I treated her in the end and pushing her away because I had so many issues and hate in me at the time and never realised the good thing I had.

The question I have is that froma womans view will she think that I am trying to start trouble. I hate the fact that I couldn't keep it all in but realise that the reason we broke up was a lack of communication. At the very least now she knows how I feel and felt about her. But she is not happy with the way it came out and it's timing.

When she told me how she was hurt I didn't contact her and how she felt I couldn't be depended on and how I couldn't blame the farm for all our problems it killed me. I would love to sit her down and explain what my mind was like at the time and how I can barely remember them as my mind was so tangled and dark. I know I can't do this however. I respect she is with someone else and even though it hurts I am happy for her but I wish to god she understood what I was going through.

Was I completely unjustified and greedy to say all this to her now and is it unforgivable. Would she hate me for it. I told her I wasn't trying to break them up but just wanted to know that in the future. If circumstances allowed would she considered giving me a second chance.

I already hate the fact that I said all this so im asking for people not to scold me to much. Any opinions are appreciated though. I still miss her so much but I have realised that boat may be after leaving port and all I can do is watch it sail away but a little part of me lives in hope that she doesn't hate me so much that I will never get a second chance under any circumstances. With my issues I also realise im probably not the best catch in the sea.

CaraMay

I don't see anything wrong with what you did. You laud your cards on the table in a respectful manner and unfortunately it was too late for you. There is no harm done. Don't beat yourself up about it. The time nay have come for you to go to some counselling sessions to help conquer your dark thoughts and move forward. Good luck op

DoYouEvenLift

This is legitimately my honest advice and I'm not trolling or making fun, so mods please don't take it as something bad.


Have a 'tactical' **** and rethink it all, every detail about her and your relationship and the new situation and relationship, and choose whatever options are best for you. You should then try to get the entire thing off your mind either way for a little while and then see how you feel.


Edit: and why is it up to you to be the one to make contact all the time, if it was how it seems from your last post? If she was unhappy that you weren't contacting her then it's up to her to contact you and communicate that. Phones and messages work both ways. Sounds like she's just trying to find any bit of blame to flip on you to validate her decisions and cope.

catonthewire

anonymous2014 wrote: »

I tried to take your advice and move on but with the girl living so close and with the now boyfriend arriving last week I had a wobble. Something that I never mentioned before was that over the last 2years I have been struggling with depression and even though the ex knew I was having problems I never told her that it was depression nor how much it was affecting me. I didn't even completely admit it to myself until we broke up and I questioned why I was so unhappy with myself.

Even though the long distance was hard. I made it worse because I was in such a rut. We would make plans like I would call out to her home town or bring her to the airport and a few days before I would make excuses for not being able to do it. Usually saying that I think I would have to much to do on the farm. I can understand why she got the hump.

I told her a few weeks back that I realised I was depressed and was working on it finally.I text her recently saying that I wanted to meet but she was understandably apprehensive. I ended up texting her. Telling her how I felt about her and that I realised she was with someone but asked that if that wasn't always the case that she might consider giving me a second chance.

I know it wasn't fair of me but I told her how I thought breaking up was a big mistake for me and said how I wish I had been stronger at the time and asked her to not hate me for saying all this at such a bad time.

Her reply was that she had waited for me and didn't hear from me for a few weeks so decided to leave it after she text me from abroad saying that she missed me. I didn't realise that she was open to taking me back at the time and I was in a bit of a state anyway. She said she struggled with getting feelings for someone else. She told me that when It comes to getting back together then she doesn't know what the future holds but she is happy with the new lad even though it's still early days and she didn't want me waiting around and that my timing is way off.

I said how I was all over the place with the farm and everything and felt I wasn't good enough for her so that's why I broke it off. She was mad that I chose now to say all this and said that we had problems that didn't involve the farm and she believed she couldn't depend on me.

I know she was great for putting up with me and my crap for so long and I wish I realised it sooner. Before I hit the bottom.







I already hate the fact that I said all this so im asking for people not to scold me to much. Any opinions are appreciated though. I still miss her so much but I have realised that boat may be after leaving port and all I can do is watch it sail away but a little part of me lives in hope that she doesn't hate me so much that I will never get a second chance under any circumstances. With my issues I also realise im probably not the best catch in the sea.

Hi,


I read your posts a few times and throughout the feeling that SHE appears to be dictating how your relationship will pan out in the future....
From your comments above it would honestly appear that you feel because of depression and your issues, somehow unworthy of love??..
Hence your need to cling onto a girl, who as in your own on words put up with your problems.

Life is too short to be in a relationship with someone who you imagine is only putting up with you , because they may feel sorry for you..
It's quite obvious from what you have told us that this girl does not have the courage to tell you that SHE has moved on...
Read back over your comments, she is in a new relationship, one which she claims she struggled with??????..
Yet is happy to set up with??????
Alarm bells!!!!!!!!

Please, Please think of your future, have you considered counseling for your own issues, your depression and how it effects your life...
You may be surprised to find that these could be clouding your rosy view of this girl...

LegacyUser

Hello

I am taking in what your saying about her but I feel that I have painted a bad picture of her. When we were together she was very good to me. When we started seeing each other I traveled to see her which was a 2 hour drive. That was because I knew that if she came to me then I would constantly thinking about the farm. She did start coming down on weekends and I would give her every free moment I had which was everything bar maybe 2-3 hours a day. I don't think that she just putting up with me as we were genuinely content in each others company.I will say that in the good times our communication was intense. We text all day and would usually talk for an hour before going to bed.I enjoyed it but admit it was a bit much for me sometimes. She would be angry if I didn't contact her once a day and when I would say I was busy. She would always tellme that it only takes a minute to send a text. I agree but when your in full swing then it's hard to stop and you end up loosing track of time.

I believe she genuinely liked me and I know I liked her and it was more than liked but I never told her. She is a teacher so had plenty time off while im a farmer and it's bred into me that there is always something else needs doing. Couple this with my feeling down and I left it hold me to the farm. I tried to get up every second weekend and she would come down every third weekend. If I went up during the week then I would finish about 5 and be up with her about 7.30 but she would usually fall asleep by 10.30 and I would be going again by 6am so I found it hard going.

What I'm trying to say is that she wasn't just putting up with me or me with her. We felt very strongly about each other. We actually sat down and chatted through our break up and then had dinner and went back through the good times and then I left for home. I thought that since we had broke up that I shouldn't be always texting so I stopped and only replied when she text me. Then she got the job and text me saying that she couldn't pass it up as she had very few other options and came down to it the day before she left on her travels and when we met she seemed in such a hurry to get away to pack. Later she told me how she thought we would get back together that day but I never said anything. I wanted to say that she didn't say anything either. I text her when she was abroad just for piece of mind she was ok and she said she was missing me but I never put 2+2 together and since she never said anything about getting back together I never took it any further. Also she was with friends and I didn't want to spoil her good time or bring her down especially not over the phone.

She ended up meeting this new boyfriend about a month after our breakup and traveled with him for 5 weeks during which time they became an item. I didn't know this until I saw her crossing the street infront of me oneday after she returned home. I was texting her all this time to make sure she was ok and I never knew she had moved on. Which I do think that during all my texts she should have dropped some sort of hint. All I ever got was one time I told her I was missing her and she replied that I should have spoke up sooner and that she was hurt that I broke contact even though we seperated.

Some times I wonder if she would ever told me about the new lad if I didn't randomly pass her on the street.

LegacyUser

OP, if you were the one who broke up with her then you really don't have the right to ever expect her to get back with you,(sorry to sound harsh) that puts it up to you to be making most of the effort now if you want to get back with her. However, you have to know that if you broke her heart she will probably not be likely to get back with you again, as presumably she wouldn't want to go through that again. Also, there appears to be no concrete, satisfying reason why you broke up with her. It just sounds like a bunch of silly reasons, at least from her point of view, id imagine. Now I am sure that in your own mind those reasons were valid, but perhaps you did not articulate them well enough, I don't know. At this point I would say that all you can really do is learn from the situation and not let the same thing happen again with the next person down the line, as I would doubt this woman could ever truly trust you to not break up with her again. She is only human, too. Also , regarding her not telling you about her new boyfriend, again, you had broken up with her, and so she had no reason to tell you anything about her personal life after that. you had made your decision. Of course, if im wrong and she was the one who had broken up with you then none of this would apply

catonthewire

There is no doubt that this girl liked you,but surely she could have appreciated that you are a farmer, this is not a job it's a way of life....
You were not lying about how busy your life was, and in many ways it would appear that you made of heck of an effort via the long hours getting to her home ect...


Seriously to me it appears she does want to lay the blame at your door,she had gone off to a new life, how could you have known that she wanted you?..
Did she ever phone? Text to let you know how she was feeling?...
It would appear not, so you.must stop blaming yourself...
If she was hurt, then she could have conveyed this as a adult should...

Are you hoping this new relationship will fail so you may get back together?..

HiGlo

I think the signals from both sides weren’t the best…
On your part, while you guys were together you would cancel plans or arrangements with little or no apparent reason (I understand you were struggling with things, but she wasn’t aware of this), you would blank her from time to time – now I certainly don’t believe that it’s necessary to be texting people every day, but that’s obviously how things were between you two, so when she inexplicably doesn’t hear from you one day she has no idea why, or what’s going on…….. Ok, maybe she finds out after but she’s still spent the whole day wondering “why doesn’t he text me?”

From her part, she left you to take the lead on a lot of things, and doesn’t seem to have given any indication that she would like to give serious considering to getting back together after she got back from travelling.

Unfortunately, I do think in this instance your ship has sailed here…. She has had a couple of opportunities now to cool things with the guy and focus on rebuilding with you a little more, but hasn’t taken them… Maybe things won’t work out for them, but I’m not sure if she’d turn back in your direction.

I think you’ve learned some very valuable lessons here in terms of opening up and letting people in before its too late and also in terms of fighting for what you want. Pay heed to these lessons, you’ll need them for the future.
I wish you the very best and as someone else mentioned would recommend counseling to help you deal with your depression and to help you get over this girl too.

LegacyUser

Hello

When we broke up I was at hers for the weekend and we had a nice time. It was about a month since I had finished calving and just before I had finished she went abroad for 2 weeks. While I was calving I found it hard to see her as it's hard to be away from the farm when you have pregnant cows ready to calf and your checking them every 6 hours or so. So that is the window but you don't know much more in advance so I wasn't able to say that in a week's time at a certain time I would be free and if you want to spend the day together and get dropped to the airport then I was not the ideal candidate. What led to the trouble was that I had two sports events on simultaneously days in the same city which was half an hour from her home town. I planned on going down the first day and coming home and doing the same the second day. She was angry that I could give so much time to sport but not her so I said that I would spend the night with her but that was a sleepless night with me terrified about what was going on with the cows.

She still held this against me and said that I didn't seem to have time in my life for her but when I said I would give up the sport then she said she didn't want that either. This went on and before she went away for the two weeks she told me that I would have to make more of an effort and she believed the time apart would be good for us. When she returned she was distant and I walked on egg shells for a month. So on the day of the break up we had a chat. I told her that at calving time between long nights and sick animals and everything else I would forget my own name and that calving becomes my life. I said that I always thought she was angry at me and was wondering where we were going. She said that she was hurt and had put up walls. Her words were that before she went away that she was besotted with me but wondered how many things came in my life before her. She said that it seems to be the farm then macra then her. I told her I would leave macra and she said not to. I told her I was always tied to the farm but was always trying to improve it. When I said how I felt so sorry about everything but I felt she was distant she said she was sorry for treating me that way. Then we both decided that since she was going away for the summer that we should break up and review it when she returned. I did say that I wasn't a person who could do the break up and be back together every second week.

I didn't text to often for a few days then she text saying she got the job near me a week later and how she couldn't pass it up as she had very few options. I told her I was delighted. A week later we met as she needed to see the job before she left. I told her to call out after but she wouldn't. I said then we will get dinner in townbyr she was in a hurry and then I met her for a quick sandwich but she was basically running out the door. I know she had to pack but I thought she was trying to get away. I asked if I could text her every so oftento make sure she was ok and she said yes.

I text her every 3 days or so and due to time zones I might not hear back for a day. Then one time I didn't hear back for nearly a week and I worried and started texting every day wondering what was up. I tried ringing but only got voice mail. She text back saying she was on a camping trip so that was grand. I text saying that I missed her and hoped she was ok. That's when she said I should have spoke up sooner and how she was so hurt when we broke up and thought that when she got the new job that I would have asked to get back together. From then on I started thinking that when she returned that we might work it out but her replies got fewer and when I text to ask when she was home she told me she had returned the day before for a funeral. I asked if she was ok and should I call down but she said no. I told her if there was anything I coulddo then say so and it would be done. She thanked me but said it was grand.

Then I bumped into her in my home town and she told me that she had to come about the job then told me about the new boyfriend. How she was hurt and when she didn't hear from me that she moved on. This all came out in a 5 min convention standing beside her car along with commiserating her for her loss. Her mother was there also so I didn't really want to react badly so just wished her well. That's basically the whole story there folks. Sorry about the length.

CaraMay

Op this has turned into your blog.... I think she just isn't suited to being in a relationship with a farmer. It doesn't suit everyone. You need to move on op.

Matteroffact

She was annoyed that she didn't get more attention from you, so then she met someone new and now she is flaunting all of this in your face. You are putting her on a pedestal more and more now because she is unavailable. The best thing to do is cut all ties. You have told her how you feel, and there is nothing left to say to her, so stop contacting her. That is your best line of action. The more you contact her the more she will keep you at arms length because she is getting more attention from you now than she ever got. Take control of yourself now and whatever will be will be. I do sense that you two could get back together in the future but you don't want to be running after her all the time as that will put her off. Let this new relationship take its course. My guess is that it will fizzle out. You will get more respect from her if you take control now and leave her alone. Let her be the one to contact you in the future but don't put your life on hold waiting for this to happen. You never know you might be the one to find someone new soon.

LegacyUser

hi OP, in one post you said you had been the one who broke it off with her, and in others you are saying it was 'mutual'...? Anyway I think it is wrong for you to be so angry with her, as she didn't do anything wrong by moving on. You were not together at the time. If you don't want her leading you on or whatnot, then just stay away from her, I think you are giving her far more attention than she is giving you, also it looks as though you think she is not a nice person, going by comments here. If she is so bad, then why would you want her back anyway? Also, regarding the whole farming lifestyle, does this mean that all farmers are single? Surely they must find time for people somewhere along the line? Maybe someone a little closer to home might work out better.

LegacyUser

Hello again.

Im sorry. I realise that I have left this tread get away on me. My vocabulary and ability to express myself leave a lot to be desired.It was a mutual decision to break up although I was the one who said the words first. As in I said where do we stand and do you think we can work it out or should we call it a day. She said she just didn't know anymore but we agreed that if circumstances were different then it might have been great. Then we decided to go our separate ways but said we will never say never.

I have read back through the tread and I cannot find anything to say that I am angry at her or think she is a bad person so im sorry if it came across like that. It was not intentional. I will always be very fond of her as she is probably one of the best people I have ever met and I told her that often when we were together.

I know that I can't contact her again but I only contacted her 3 times in 2 months since she returned and one of those was a chance meeting on the street and we got a drink. I didn't think that was overkill because of the way we had left the break up open ended and I suppose I wanted closure since the circumstances had changed but so had her relationship circumstances.

Basically im just wondering that because she kept saying that she thought I would have asked her back and when I didn't while she was abroad she was hurt but I stayed in contact while not knowing about the new relationship. when she returned and we met on the street im asking if it's fair that I should shoulder the complete blame for not saying anything. Surely I believe that she should have voiced her ideas with me also. Instead of just telling me that if I had said this or said that at an earlier stage then we would still be together.I tried to respect the fact that we had broken up even though it was open ended. She still text and sent pictures of her traveling and I would reply but she was traveling with her girlfriends and we're oit partying every night. And I think they were right to do so but I still had to get up and do my jobs in the morning so I couldn't keep texting all through the night due to the time difference. Then her texts got fewer and all but stopped. Then she text to say she was staying on while her friends were going home and I really worried about this girl that im so fond of traveling on her own in a foreign county where she doesn't have the language. That's the only reason I wish she she told me she met someone. Because she stopped texting me back and I always thought maybe something had happened especially when she wouldn't answer her phone. It was none of my business about the new relationship but I still worried because I didn't know what was going on at all with her over there. For all I new she might have been killed.

When it comes to farmers being single then I can't speak for all as all situations are different but im only saying what it's like to me at calving. Different people have different skills and management routines like every walk of life

LegacyUser

i see now that the negative comments towards the woman were more from other commenters than your own comments here, OP, and i understand the frustration of someone just going AWOL like that. In the days before facebook it happened to me and sometimes you would honestly be worried that something terrible may have happened to them, but with online social networks we can now see if someone is in a new relationship (sometimes) and we can see that they are ok if they keep updating statuses (not saying you should take this up necessarily but it does help to provide information/closure at times). To be honest I don't think there is any 'blame' in this situation, it looks like neither of you were being needlessly cruel or anything, I suppose if it were meant to be then you would have not cancelled meeting with her on those occasions (i have been on the receiving end of someone who did that and it does indeed make you feel that they just don't care about you), and she would not have moved on in 3 weeks. 3 weeks is nothing. If she was that into you there's no way she could be over it in 3 weeks, in my humble opinion, at least. In my opinion, you have two options. 1. Say that if it were meant to be it would have been, and slowly forget all bout it, or 2. Make your thoughts clear to her, for example by showing her this thread, and then you will have done your best and if she doesn't want to know then, then at least you will have given it your best shot.
Im saying this from the point of view of someone who has been on the receiving end of being rejected by someone who kept cancelling on me, had depression and gave me a lot of the same reasons etc...From my point of view if I were ever to be with said person again it would probably end in disaster as I would never be able to fully trust him with my feelings ever again, id be always waiting for the same withdrawing behaviour to happen again. Sometimes OP you can love a guy like this but not be able to be with him because it is too painful. (sorry if im generalising a tad here, i just feel like to an extend i know what its like to be on the other side of this, although the difference being i would never be able to move on in 3 weeks if i was really emotionally invested in the person). Sorry this went on and on :P

Matteroffact

How could she expect you to ask her back while she was abroad? You were texting her and she stopped replying. You tried to phone her and she didn't answer, so what more could you have done. It would appear to me now that this woman is feeling guilty that she has hurt you but she is trying to blame you for this. This is just not on. Had she felt as strongly as you in the first place she would not have picked this new guy to replace you. Do not beat yourself up over this. If things were going to work out they would have and something as trivial as you not asking her back while she was away has nothing to do with it. This is just an excuse she is latching on to because she is reluctant to say that she changed her mind about the relationship. Getting things clear in your head after a breakup is very very difficult and all the confusion adds to the pain, but just be clear on one thing if this woman wanted you back nothing would stand in her way, nothing you said or didn't say for that matter. You are not to blame for this breakup and whatever will be will be.

Wompa1

Same thing happened to me when I was younger. She went off for the summer, it was less than 2 months. We were talking the first month she was gone and then she cut off all contact.

I came to find out that she hooked up with a guy from the same town as us who was visiting a friend of a friend.

She also then proceeded to use me as a backup in the future..as did a couple of girls.

My advice is cut the chord, you don't need to carry around that dead weight. It sucks and it hurts, unfortunately from my experience, it's something that's likely to happen to you a few times with girls in their 20's. It's tough not to take it personally but I'd just try to move on

LegacyUser

Hello

I know I treated her badly and I hate that. I also hate that I left depression take such a hold over me. As was said above I don't know that even with the best intentions in the world will I not fall back into it sometimes but I am taking steps to counteract it. I can't tell anyone as I know I'll be seen as someone who has "nerves".

I often told her that I wished I had met her at a different time in my life but sure I didn't. She was only supposed to be gone a month and that was two weeks after we separated. We had Garth Brooks tickets and she told me to consider still going and seeing her there. I worried so much when I thought she was on her own and it stirred up such feelings in me. When I didn't hear from her for a week with no explanation I even considered driving down to see her father. It sounds crazy but I had considered selling land if there was some sort of a ransom situation. I know I really lost the plot and am embarrassed by that. I remember thinking that I would do anything as long as she was safe.

Then when we met on the street she said in the same sentence that she met someone but if I had acted sooner then she would have taken me back and how she was hurt I didn't say anything. I still have such a fear that she will show up on the doorstep some day and I still won't be able to make it work. And I hate that I told her about my depression because she may feel sorry for me or think of me as weak and like said in another post that she wouldn't be able ti trust me with her heart again. This makes me wonder can I be trusted with anyones heart again. I have looked herself and the boyfriend up on fb and see how easy it can be when it's done right.

I am happy for her even though my actions may seem to be to the contrary. She gave me 100% and I know she will do the same with the new lad. I hope it goes well for them because I hate to think of her being hurt. Im just surprised she moved on so quick and so completely. but I realise you can't control who your heart falls for despite circumstances hence why we got together despite our circumstances.

I can understand all this but the one thing that will always get me is that if I had acted sooner that she maintains we would be together. Is it fair that I have to hold the burden on my own or should it not be between us as she never said it either. I don't think it's fair that she told me how hard she tried as I tried too.

One time she text and told me she was looking for accommodation for the new job and I told her that if she was stuck then she was always welcome at mine and I would set up the spare room for her. I told her that offer was there and I had no perceived notions. She said she couldn't put herself in that situation of moving in with her ex. I said that I would leave the option open anyway. I often think that would have been a good time to say she was after meeting someone new. Again I know it was none of my business but when I was checking up on her so much she must have known there was something going on in me for her.

She told me over after returning that after she met the new lad that I started texting her a lot but this was also when her girlfriends left her and I believe she was traveling alone. That's why I was texting so much she also said that she never mentioned him because there was nothing to tell and they didn't know what was going to happen between them. I know she didn't lead me on but would it have been out of the question to text me and tell me ti stop worrying. Im asking for opinions because I realise we were broke up but with contact still open and she had already told me how much she missed me only weeks beforehand.

Thanks again and sorry about the length.

kylith

What to do about your ex? Nothing. Do nothing. Say nothing.

She knows how you feel, now leave her alone and she knows there you are if she wants you.

Cut contact. Get on with your life.

LegacyUser

OP why is it so important who is to blame? If you had not neglected her when you were with her you may still be together. To my mind this is what went wrong, because once you broke up nothing she did or did not do was any of your business any more. I think that you would prefer to blame her, but it honestly was not her fault if you did not want her when you had her. I know other commenters here seem to agree with you that she is to blame (?) but all I can see is a woman who, as you say, gave you her all, got nothing in return, you dumped her, and she got on with her life, as anybody should. The only thing i would say is that she should prob now cut contact with you as you seem to be getting false hope. I really hate to be a foresayer of doom but reckon the ship has sailed on this one. OP it is nobody' s fault, what destroyed the relationship was Depression. It is not fair to try to lay the blame on her shoulders. Think its just time to let go and move on. Forget about placing blame, as it was more the neglect in the relationship that ended things than anything else, id imagine. You can definitelty not write off being in relationships in the future, but i'd mention the depression early to her though. To be honest I still dont understand why one would keep cancelling on someone and pushing them away if they truly had strong feelings for that person. Ive been struggling to understand that myself and it just doesn't make sense to me, depression or no, i just don't get it....this is turning into my blog too sorry!

LegacyUser

I understand what your saying about blame. I Know it doesn't matter but she was so adamant that I was completely to blame for not getting back together. I have wrecked my head wondering for so long if that is true. im not even trying to blame her and to be honest im not sure why I started this tread. I suppose I just wanted to talk about it to some one.

A few things in my defense though. I don't think I completely neglected her. I traveled up to see her twice as much as she came to see me but I didn't mind.doing that. She only stayed with me mid week on a couple of occasions and told me how much she hated it because of the early start to get back for work while I was doing it every second week. I know I'm my own boss but the work still has to be done and I have no one to cover for me at short notice. For all her teachers holidays she went traveling which were two 2 week excursions and a weeks one at holoween. I admired her for it and she was great at getting cheap flights. I couldn't call up on Mondays or Wednesday as she gave grinds and traveled home and back every second weekend o that ruled out every second Friday and Monday. The other weekends we usually spent together.

On canceling on her. That happened 3 times in a 10 month period and two of them were during calving when I was expecting a cow to give birth and the other was when I couldn't get anyone in to do the milkings for me. It wasn't that I just couldn't be bothered to see her.but the plan would have been made and then something would go wrong and I would have to cancel. The one weekend I traveled down to her home town and was staying at her parents house she told me as I was walking up the drive that she had only told her father she was seeing someone. I walked up to him and thanked him for letting me stay at his home and he looked at me and said that he didn't know I existed 5 minutes ago. I had been seeing his daughter for 7 months at this stage. What's worse is that he is a high ranking garda detective and he grilled me. One time I had a match that I couldn't get out of so I brought her to it. When ever I looked over she seemed to be having a great time with some of the other girlfriends and then we all went for lunch at a restaurant after then back to the local for a few and there was a music session. She said she had a great night but she had called down to see me. I really did think that was odd but I do understand where she was coming from

I don't want to make out she was in any way bad to me but just she takes her job very seriously and I respect that and know that if she was late for her job then she risked punishment. Also she had a fuller social life than me.she always taught of me on her travels and would bring me back something and when I went up she would always be planning things for us to do. Also she was in Dublin and there is so much ti do up there while I live in the sticks.

About the depression. Well im delighted that you don't understand it because it probably means you don't have it. I was the same once and used ti think that it was nothing a days work and a few pints won't sort out. But it is crippling and completely irrational. My mind used to go a hundred miles an hour. I just couldn't keep up with it. I can only say it was the world was laying siege to my mind. No matter how hard I pushed I was just forced back. It started with cracks in the foundation and then they spread and while im trying to fix one crack the next one is spreading. After that the walls collapsed and I felt every one had abandoned me. I went into full retreat and eventualy felt like I had barricaded myself into a tiny room where if I only looked out the window then I would be got. I felt that all I could do was brace the door and close my eyes.

It's hard to talk about it on this but seems impossible to admit it in person although I did tell her but I needed to tell someone and it felt like I had sent out a flare or some sort of life line. What im trying to say is that it's so hard to admit to it and I was so worried what people would think and I still am I felt so weak and pushed her away because I was afraid I would drag her and everyone around me down to hell with me. I know now it doesn't make my actions right but they weren't taken lightly or just for the he'll of it.they were the biggest negative emotions iv ever faced and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I don't want them to define my life either and would hat the thought of people always coming over and saying "are ye all right" I've been to see a doctor since.

Sorry to go on so much but if it's worth anything then it has helped ti talk about it. I have moved on from her a lot and I won't be bothering her any more. I still hate to think I broke her heart and don't blame her for anything but I suppose I just wish I knew( I can't find a way to finish this sentence). I still don't know what a blog is really and if this is one and if it's a bad thing then I apologise. I still feel better for getting it off my chest and getting others opinions though.

LegacyUser

Hello.

I know it doesn't matter where the blame lies even if there is any at all. She is a lovely girl and was very good to me but she seemed so adamant that it was all my fault. I have wrecked my head wondering if this is true. I never blamed her until she unloaded it on me that day.

She did give me her all and when we were together it was great but talking about it and looking back I see that through my troubles I gave it everything I had left over also. I don't think that I neglected her in any way. It was just the distance was killing me. I traveled to see her easily twice as much as she did to see me. She came down on the weekends a good few times and twice she decided to stay on Sunday night although it meant traveling up to work early the next morning but she still left an hour after I would be leaving hers wheni stayed up mid week and I did this every second week. She even complained how she hated it. hShe takes her job very seriously and I respect that but just because I'm self employed doesn't mean I take mine less seriously and I still need to get the work done.

When she got holidays at mid terms she liked to travel and was gone all xmas and Easter and I thought that was great about her that she had such a lust for life and new experiences. The times I cancelled on her were three in 10 months and 2 of those were because cows were due to calf and if I lost one because I wasn't there then I would be furious with myself. The other time was because I couldn't get someone to milk the cows for me so what else was there to do. It was never because I just wasn't bothered. One day I sent a text saying t wouldn't be up and for some reason she never got it. I had already said that it was less than 50/50 I'd be there. When I rang later she was angry and I explained I text her. I got up the next morning about 4 and got as much work done as I could and drove up to talk to her before she left for work then drove home again. I was 4 hours driving for a half hour of talking.

Another night we were staying at her parents house and when I was walking up the drive she told me that she had only told her father about me. I walked into the man and thanked him for having me in his home and he said that he didn't even know I existed 5 mins ago. We were going out 7 months at that stage and he is a garda detective and he grilled me. She gave grinds on Monday and Thursday night's so I couldn't go up those nights and went home every second weekend so that rulled out every second Friday and Sunday. She also had a much busier social life than me.

Im not saying anything bad about her except maybe the time about the father but she always had a plan that she stuck to where I seemed to always be winging it by the seat of my pants. But in fairness I know she was away from home and wanted to get back to see them when she could. But I did try hard.she would always remember me on her travels and bring me back something and would always be planning stuff for us to do when I called up. Just at calving time you have to be around in case something goes wrong because it could be life or death for the anima

I won't be contacting her again and sadly I realise that ship has sailed alright. If she wants to contact me then she knows where I am. Im sorry for going on about it so much but talking about it has helped me sort it out in my head so thank you. Im still not sure what a blog is so I apologise if this is one

Defiler Of The Coffin

anonymous2014 wrote: »

One time she text and told me she was looking for accommodation for the new job and I told her that if she was stuck then she was always welcome at mine and I would set up the spare room for her. I told her that offer was there and I had no perceived notions. She said she couldn't put herself in that situation of moving in with her ex. I said that I would leave the option open anyway. I often think that would have been a good time to say she was after meeting someone new. Again I know it was none of my business but when I was checking up on her so much she must have known there was something going on in me for her.

Offering a spare room to an ex that you are still holding a torch for? Bad idea OP. She was right to say what she said about not putting herself in what would be a very awkward situation for her. You really need to let this one go, no more contact or chat, if you see her on the street say hello and keep walking, it mightn't come across as very mannerly but really every time you talk to her she gives you a few more tidbits about her new relationship and life for her in general and all it does is lead you back to wasting more time thinking about the ifs and buts and whathaveyou. A wound isn't going to heal if you keep picking at it over and over. It'll get better in time but you need to help yourself and move on.

You come across as quite lonely, perhaps you need to get out and about more and meet more people? I know you probably have a tough time of it farming but is there some way you can make more time for yourself? Have you ever considered joining Macra na Feirme? A friend of mine joined it after breaking up with his fiance who cheated on him and it helped him immensely.

LegacyUser

Agree with all of what Defiler said their, a wound doesnt get better if you keep picking at it. Perhaps it was this type of overthinking which complicated things so much in the first place. Suppose a relationship is unfortuntely one of those things in life that none of us really has any control over, no matter how much we think it to death (i suppose thats why people say if its meant to be it will just be. No coaxing, persuading, begging, convincing. If two people are meant to be together it would happen easily and naturally, or so ive been told at least. Ive never been in a proper relationship myself, so others here might know better advice, sorry. But it strikes me as if it were a good relationship there wouldn't have been any doubts on either side, and now there are doubts on both sides. In terms of you cancelling on her, i didnt realise it was only so few times, sure thats hardly anything....looks like the relationship just wasnt a good fit, dont know what age she is but if she in her 30s then she prob just wants to get on with things and settle down and not have uncertainty any more and that could be why she stays with someone reliable. In other words, sacrificing one thing she wants (you) to get something else she wants (stability, family maybe?)....? ps i also dont know what a blog is !:P

LegacyUser

just saw in an earlier post you said this :

''Even though the long distance was hard. I made it worse because I was in such a rut. We would make plans like I would call out to her home town or bring her to the airport and a few days before I would make excuses for not being able to do it. Usually saying that I think I would have to much to do on the farm. I can understand why she got the hump.''

so maybe there were some times when you may have needlessly push her away (thought id gotten that impression from somewhere!), but anyhow it sounds as though you are reaching a point now where you are doing better, maybe a blog or a diary of some sort might be a good idea, as that way its easier to remember what it was actually like at a certain time, with no rose-tinted glasses, or whatever the expression is...?

LegacyUser

Hello again. This is off topic so moderators I apologise but im just putting it up to answer a question.

Truth be told I am very lonely in myself. When the depression hit me hardest I pushed everyone away from the ex to friends and family and burned a lot of bridges. I questioned everyone also and turned up a lot of truths about people. My best friend fell on awkward times where he and his wife had to move in with his father and they were newly wed and weren't happy about it so I said if they had ti then they could move in with me. They did move in and I didn't like the way they treated the house. Coffee rings on the furniture and the dog up on the couch and dog hair every place. Watching DVDs every night and I couldn't watch the news. Even not giving me a text when they had people over. One night I was out calving a cow and they went to work and locked the door. When I rang looking for the key as it wasn't under the mat he told me because his gun was in the house he didn't think it was safe to leave the key out so he put it in on the table. He didn't come back from work till about 4 so I was locked out all day. Then he gave out to me for "giving him attitude" that was my best friend for you.

Im heavily involved in macra but it is a small club that struggles. I try to go to most of the sports and lend a hand with most things but if there is a big thing happening and you can't get the time ti go to it or arrive late then you are the worst in the world so I just got sick of it.circumstances forced me into the farm a few years ago and im in a category of 6% of farmers who are under 35 and are farming in their own right so it's hard to find someone that is in the same boat. I also didn't grow up on the farm and only took it up in my early twenties so im missing out on a lifetime of learning about it.

I would love to meet someone again just to have something that is for me and I don't mean for that ti sound possessive. It's just that every one in the family seems to depend on me so much that it gets to me and I would like to talk and flirt with someone who isn't looking to me for help with something and I get a buzz when they call over or when their number pops up on the phone. Unfortunately with my issues I realise that it might not be a good time to start a relationship as it might go the same way as the last. To be honest I don't even know how to go about meeting new people anyway.I lost an awful amount of confidence with my depression and although I don't want to be alone I hate the prospect of having to tell someone new about it and maybe being rejected because of it. It constantly plays in my mind. Sure why would she go for someone who could crack again in the future. Why would you put someone through that.

Matteroffact

Okay, so you had depression and now you are over it, so there is no need to tell anyone about it. You didn't treat your last g/f the best but you have learnt from that so when the next girl comes along you will know what to do, so no need to keep on worrying about this. If you go out and about and go to as many social events as you can you will soon meet someone new. I am impressed with how you know where you went wrong in the past, are aware of it, so this means you will be in a much better place for your next relationship. Hope it all works out for you.