What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own

LegacyUser

Me and my boyfriend live together and I look after the finances. I have an account that we use for bills rent etc. every month my boyfriend gives his half. At the start we decided to include 50 p/w each for the weekend.

Anyway this just turned into a way for him to budget. He takes back his 50 every week and it's a way for him to be sure he has something at the weekend which is fine.

This weekend we planned to go out to a restaurant. I suggested we spend that weekend money and split it after. (I'm slightly broke at the moment so wanted to know what way we'd do it).

Anyway he has a problem with this! He still wants his half and then to each pay separate at the meal.

I'm just really fed up now that something so small is an issue. I'm really annoyed because I'm always making sure things are fair for him because he earns less than me.

Recently he had to pay for something with his car so we had modest weekends an all the leftover money was given to him for his car.

I give him the odd 50 too because I don't drive and there are plenty of other ways that I help him out if needed.

I hate him acting like I'm trying to shaft him it's making me very down.

m'lady

Fedup1990 wrote: »

Me and my boyfriend live together and I look after the finances. I have an account that we use for bills rent etc. every month my boyfriend gives his half. At the start we decided to include 50 p/w each for the weekend.

Anyway this just turned into a way for him to budget. He takes back his 50 every week and it's a way for him to be sure he has something at the weekend which is fine.

This weekend we planned to go out to a restaurant. I suggested we spend that weekend money and split it after. (I'm slightly broke at the moment so wanted to know what way we'd do it).

Anyway he has a problem with this! He still wants his half and then to each pay separate at the meal.

I'm just really fed up now that something so small is an issue. I'm really annoyed because I'm always making sure things are fair for him because he earns less than me.

Recently he had to pay for something with his car so we had modest weekends an all the leftover money was given to him for his car.

I give him the odd 50 too because I don't drive and there are plenty of other ways that I help him out if needed.

I hate him acting like I'm trying to shaft him it's making me very down.

Can you both not use your own half to pay for the meal? Slightly confused on what the problem is OP?

LegacyUser

m'lady wrote: »

Can you both not use your own half to pay for the meal? Slightly confused on what the problem is OP?

I think he's worried I might order lobster and caviar or something.

kylith

Is he suggesting that you divide the bill based on who ate what? If so I'd find that very strange for a couple to do. How long are ye together?

greengirl31

So does the €100 get spent every weekend or does your boyfriend take his out regardless of whether you’re going anywhere (because it’s HIS money)??

Personally, I can’t stand when people are tight with money – be it disappearing to the loo when it’s their round or having the “mine and your’s” attitude to shared expenses. I always worry about couples who view their finances as mine and yours especially when they share mortgages/rent/bills. Don’t get me wrong, I believe each person should retain some element of financial independence but the “I paid for this so you pay for that” attitude disturbs me. It sounds to me like he’s happy for you to take control of the finances when he’s a bit strapped for cash and you’re doling out his allowance every week but when the tables are turned, he’s not so keen.

m'lady

Fedup1990 wrote: »

I think he's worried I might order lobster and caviar or something.

Can you explain what the issue is though? Is he as another poster suggested wanting you to pay exactly what you have eaten or is it splitting the bill? If your both putting in money each week for weekends and your going out for a meal then can you not use that money? I'm confused!!

Just reread you first post, you guys are using the weekend money and then whatever balance there is he wants to split it, and you feel he should offer to pay this time- is that right? Well if I'm correct then yes I can understand your frustration especially if you 'sub' him at times but maybe he simply hasn't got it?

As you pointed out you don't drive so he is keeping a car on the road and possibly giving you lifts/both of you going out in car .. A car can be expensive to keep OP ( fuel/tax/maintenance) and I don't think people realise how much until they have one, he's on less money that you also which makes that difference in income even bigger when you factor that in.

LegacyUser

OP this is how I'm reading it - you each put in €50 each week so you have a budget of 100 between you for going out at the weekend. This not a savings account for a holiday or anything, this is just weekend spending money, correct?

He takes out 50 every week from the account, you don't always spend the 50 you put in for the weekend so whatever is left stays in the joint account, is that right or do you spend it all as well?

You planned to do something at the weekend, you wanted to use the 100 that had already been put aside for that weekend activities but he wanted to take his 50euro to spend himself and for you to split the cost of the meal 50/50 between you? But do you not have 50 left from the savings to cover your half or was he expecting to get his 50 back and have you pay for the whole meal?

To be honest it sounds like you both have a different understanding of the weekend money use. I think he sees it at as money put away to spend at the weekend while you see it as money put away for only joint couple weekend activities. Are you seriously spending 100 on activities every weekend for the two of you? Or did you think some of it would work like savings and build up for the odd weekend away or bigger activity?

How much use do you get out of the car? If he is driving you both a lot, picking up shopping/items for the house etc etc If that is the case then I would view the car as a joint expense even if only one of you drives it. I wouldn't be paying for him to bling the car out but road tax and fuel and maintenance I would see as a joint cost.

To me weekend activities is every day money spending unless it's a big event on like going away, a festival, wedding etc etc Maybe consider having a different savings account that you each pay a small amount in weekly that's to be used for holidays/festival/events etc etc and keep weekend money in your own accounts.

Betty Bloggs

I am reading it that sometimes there is leftover money left that remains in the account from you but that he never leaves anything leftover and withdraws his 50 euro every week without fail for himself.

You have less than usual or were unable to add your 50 in the weekend account this week, but instead of just sharing what is still left in the account for a meal, he wants to just take his 50 as usual for himself, and for you to pay your share of the meal with whatever little leftovers still remain in the account?

If correct, that is unbelievably tight.

Especially considering you give him all your leftover weekend money for his car and throw him the odd 50 euro extra too and help him out in other ways.

You remind me of myself, and he reminds me of someone I know.
Some people are just selfish and I don't think they ever change unfortunately.

750X

You're probably a great girl; and him a great guy - but every man needs to have a couple of euro in his pocket.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response guys,

Maybe he is just confused too. What usually happens is we each take 50 for ourselves.

Then I might treat him to a meal/cinema whatever or he might.

I'm quicker to offer to pay for something though but I do earn more so it's OK.

Because I'm broke at the moment I wanted to be sure that we would go halfsies for this meal.

So I suggested we split what was left of the money after we'd paid for the meal.

I was just annoyed that he nit-picked over it. But maybe he just thought his way was simpler.

We probably just had our wires crossed.

jimd2

To be honest I couldnt stay long term in a relationship with someone hat I believe to be mean.

LegacyUser

We've been going out for 5 years since I was 18 and I can't handle separating I don't know who I am without him.

chillywilly

Your joint budgeting plan doesn't seem to be working. Stop it and look after your own finances.

Typer Monkey

I don't really understand either why you are putting in 50 each to just take it out again at the weekend. Why don't you stick to managing your own respective money and then when you go out either take turns to treat each other or go halves. I think you're making this unnecessarily complicated

Penny Tration

Let him look after his own money, and you look after yours.

If you're broke though, why are ye going out for meals!? Spend a tenner each on a takeaway, and watch a dvd. Then ye still have 40 each.

bee06

Fedup1990 wrote: »

We've been going out for 5 years since I was 18 and I can't handle separating I don't know who I am without him.

I don't think anyone is saying you should break up! But talk to him about why it bothers you and maybe reassess how you manage your finances.

fergiesfolly

In my own opinion, part of committing fully to a relationship is having a responsible, trustworthy and open, joint financial situation, but I realise not everyone would agree.
In the meantime, have a joint account for bills/utilities/rent that you both put an equal amount into, adding 10% for emergencies and keep the money you use for personal use( including his car) in your own accounts. Split night out and holidays etc equally. This is a fair and equitable solution for two people living together who are not ready to completely combine their financial lives.
Put this to him. If he's not happy with it I'd seriously question him about what he's willing to give and what he expects to take from your relationship.

LegacyUser

Fedup1990 wrote: »

We've been going out for 5 years since I was 18 and I can't handle separating I don't know who I am without him.

No one has told you to separate OP. People have just said the system your using with saving the money is clearly not working for you and it's making you upset so you should consider changing it. There have been loads of threads on here about couples and money and while some people seem to think if your a couple all your money should go into one big pot and you should be able to live in wonderful couple bliss like that and there must be something wrong with the relationship if you can't, the reality is this - every relationship is different and you find what works for you.

My parents when they got married did the one bank account for everything at the start but my mum noticed that they never seemed to have any money even though they both had good jobs. Turned out my dad couldn't budget for **** so they went back to having their own accounts and a joint account for all their bills. It did not mean they didn't love each other.

Consider stopping this weekend money system and instead in a savings or credit union account put a much smaller amount....maybe 10 or 20 euro a week each and let that build up towards something nice for the two of like a a trip or a concert/festival.

I do think you need to re-look at joint expenses like the car. Even if you not the one doing the driving if your being driven regularly in it or it's being used regularly for things effecting both of you like he goes and picks up the shopping for example then you should be paying some of the cost. Things like road tax should be split 50/50 and depending how much time you spend in the car vs how much time he drives by himself you should pay something towards petrol. I wouldn't be offering to back pay for anything only going forward from here. Now only you know if that feels fair...if you feel you only go in the car once in a blue moon and it's his baby then it's not something you should be paying for.