Trust issues?

Hotman

Hey,

Just got back from a trip with my gf. we have a long distance relationship so don't see eachother much, but she tells me she loves me to bits.
She's a self proclaimed "Frindly" person which might be mistaken for flirting..

we went to a family member's party for 5 days.
First when we arrived we me a guy who's her sister's husband she she was gushing over saying i love love love him etc, and when he arrived she was the most excited i've ever seen her be. They were hugging jumping outta their skin,
Later in the day as the outdoor party went on, she had left me alone for alot of the time and was talking to him mostly, for like an hour they were standing really close together both with very serious faces talking for an hour.
And later she said he wasn't sure if he liked me or not yet. And a few times she was linking he's arms etc (just as a note this was my first time meeting anyone in her family, her mom and dad, sister,s brother etc were there).

Secondly, a day or 2 later, we went to an aunts house, and she heard her cousin was coming to see her, who she hadn't seen in 5 years, and she though he was hot and they had chemistry when they were younger and they didn't know they were related so they'd done "stuff" together. Her mom and aunt me and sister were there and she said this "omg before we knew we related man" and her mom said wow that could have been awkward and she totally admitted. "I'm pretty sure it is awkward haha" and she told me everything about what they did but said they didn't have sex.
Anyway he arrived and she totally left me standing there and was gushing about how many hot girls he get's and how amazing he is as everything he does and kept kissing him, touching he chest when they talked and just couldn't get away from him, she kinda introduced me for a second and went back to gushing and i've never seen her so excited in my life.

When we spoke about it she was saying "how can i be sexually attracted to my cousin? although i always thought he liked me, but i thought maybe that got lost due to us finding out we were related lol". When i told her about how crazy she was florting with him she just laughed and i said playfully "I'm lucky you 2 weren't drunk together alone, otherwise that kid would totally have been gettin laid" she started laughing and i probed her a bit and she said "i wouldn't f*ck him if thats what you're asking".

Finally when we were out she spent more time talking to me leaving me talking to ger sister, and dad most of the night. But as soon as we arrived this really tall handsome dude who every girl in the bar was oggling came straight up to her and started chatting, i said "i think you have an admirer" and she gave him the most amazing smile i've ever seen from her, and i just left her to it, a couple of times her dad had to grab her and bring her over to us etc as we barely spoke all night.

I know it sounds petty, but the 3 guys we met on this trip who were in our age range, she made me feel 2 feet tall with. Her DAD had to tell tall guy i was her boyfriend while i was in the toilet.
I'm just not sure if i invited her to meet my entire family for the first time if i'd ever leave her side you know? Like i'd stay with her all the time as it's nerve wracking.
Basically any chance she got she left me standing there with someone else and pretty much forgot about me for the night, and she really made it plainly obvious to me she had no problem getting touchy feely even with relatives. I'm just wondering if her cousin would have gotten anything if they were alone together drinking and noone was there to see them. As if she flirts and says stuff like they were together infront of her boyfriend and mom, what would she do drunk with noone else to see?

Is she disrespectful, trying to make me jealous, being normal, isn't into me at all, or just completely doesn't realise she's doing it and she loves me and im overreacting?

Thanks (from someone who's never experienced a girlfriend act like that with other men).

MsMayhem

To me it would appear you do have trust issues.

2 out of these three are family members, her brother in law and a cousin. I find it highly unlikely she would be flirting with them and if someone was so devious to go after her sisters husband it would not be done in such a public manner. It sounds to me like she is very sociable and out going. It might not be what you are used to but it doesn't mean she's given you a reason not to trust her.

In addition, I was in your shoes recently and met my boyfriends family for the first time at a family wedding. It's not fair to expect someone to stay by your side at an event like that where they also have lots of family members to catch up with.

catonthewire

Sorry , but I think she needs to learn some basic manners.....

I have no idea exactly what her reasons are, but she should have considered you, it was your first time in the company of her extended family.....

retro:electro

Hmmm ya she sounds like a weirdo to me.. The comments about her relatives and the touchy feely stuff with them that's just odd.

Hotman

Im not normally a jealous person i suppose, but the fact that she's admitting she did stuff with her cousin years ago infront of her parents and her boyfriend, and then jumping all over him and gushing over him when he shows up just threw me. And the comments about him she made to me "how can i be sexually attracted to my own cousin?" after she'd already admitted kissing him and stuff but not actually having sex. And then following it up with a "i always thought he liked me though".

I know people might say well she's friendly etc, but is it really ok to be SO forward and touchy feely with members of the opposite sex, family or not especially onfront of her man.

For me, if im with a friend and hes girlfriend is touching my chest when we're talking and gushing over me and kissing and hugging me and basically ignoring him, i'd be thinking "man this girl could get into trouble with the wrong guy". I mean if she'd be so open and do stuff like this in front of her bf and parents, What wouldn't she do if some guy she's chatting to and getting on really well with in a bar starts kissing her etc?

I sent her an email saying everything i thought and here's her reply, i know it's a bit candid but i was actually considering marrying this woman, as she claimed she ignores guys when they hit on her etc. Let me know what you think, is she being genuine? in 5 years when things arn't as exciting is it possible someone handsome dude who hits on her could get something, if she's openly flirt with one and smile at him infront of her BF and Family so much that her dad would have to tell me to go and get her away from him?

Here it is: xxxxxxxx. Im crying-thanks for that. I don't know what to say. Im sorry for making you feel like that. It was new for me to. Im sorry. I do want you and it's SO upsetting to know I made you feel that way. Maybe Im not so amazing after all.

No one makes me feel the way you do and I mean that with everything I have. I know you weren't feeling well and Im sorry I was so pushy. I just wanted to see you.

Im not really sure what to say or do right now. Im pretty numb and this is extremely upsetting.

I love you SO much xxxxxxxx. Please don't think you let me down. You were just what I thought. Perfect

X

This was after i told her she made me feel tiny in front of the other men etc

Hotman

catonthewire wrote: »

Sorry , but I think she needs to learn some basic manners.....

I have no idea exactly what her reasons are, but she should have considered you, it was your first time in the company of her extended family.....

Can you elaborrate on the manners thing?
Also, if your boyfriend was there, would you be jumping out of your skin and touching/kissing cousins etc?

I mean while me and her brother in law were talking with her mum, she came out of the kitchen while he was on the arm of the sofa and linked he's arm and cuddled into him. He was even surprised. Im just surprised because i wouldn't touch or be so close to someone like that in the presence of my woman. I feel like such an eegit.

What are your first impressions, the ONLY 3 guys we met there within our age bracket, she was touchy feely, kissings, hugging, exploding with excitement over them, and the other was a stranger and she was giving him all the signs in the world that she was open to it.
I mean if that happened to me i would have been polite, but not standing there for ages smiling and being flattered so much her dad had to get her away a couple of times.
What im asking is. Would she kiss someone who was really into her under the right circumstances, if she'd be so completely into guys when people are watching her including her own man? could she get drunk enough for someone to take advantage of her flirtiness?

catonthewire

Sorry I should have explained myself more....
Okay, firstly it would appear that this woman does love you, however her social etiquette leaves a lot to be desired in my opinion...
I can't begin to fathom how she thought her behaviour was in anyway appropriate, you were being introduced for the first-time to her family, Yet she happily left you alone whilst she appears to have openly flirted with male members of the extended family??????...

Now your question , would I have behaved this way in front of my boyfriend?
No.is the simple ans, I would have stayed by your side, introduced you as my partner, sure if you were engaged in conversation, I would have circulated, but overtly touching/kissing and flirting????
No......

Perhaps she has a bit of an ego?
Needs to be the centre of attention?..

Her reply to your mail, does appear genuinely apologetic, sit down together and discuss the issue, she does need to seriously consider her behaviour in my opinion.

DukeOfTheSharp

I had a whole thing written out but it logged me out for some reason, so here's a summary:

"Im crying-thanks for that." No. This is not the tone to start off a serious conversation about her behaviour being inappropriate. She doesn't get to shift the spotlight onto herself and make her feelings the be-all and end-all.

"Maybe Im not so amazing after all." When her father had to tell a random dude that you were her boyfriend, she should not, under any circumstances, use this sentence. Nobodies girlfriend should do what she did, act how she acted and treated someone with the level of disrespect she received.

"Please don't think you let me down. You were just what I thought. Perfect". If I had just made my SO feel like they were second/third/fourth best to other people, I would have said: 'I let you down, I never meant to make you feel like this, this is my fault'.

There's plenty more I could add, but it seems like she's incredibly inconsiderate, immature, disrespectful and in need of attention so badly that she turns what you're feeling into a situation where she's hurt. Her language, that she's 'numb' and it's 'upsetting', coupled with her use of 'you were...perfect' suggests that she's unable to take criticism and now thinks less of you because of what you've said. Again, that's not on you, this is all on her, because of her.

The point is, no, you don't have trust issues, you have a girlfriend who has a worrying disrespect for you, who doesn't understand the etiquette of relationships. She also cannot accept personal responsibility, instead creating a situation where you're made to feel bad for rightly calling out her actions, and how they made you feel. I mean, my god, I wouldn't be able to stick that out for an evening, let alone days.

A relationship is a two-way street, but it seems like this is very one-way. Everything she says seems immature, it's about her and only her, while you get platitudes and nothing of significant value. There's a lot of drama there too. I think a long-distance relationship is going to end badly with this girl. She doesn't respect you, doesn't treat you like a person, and acts in a very negative manner when challenged. That's not how you approach a situation when you're clearly in the wrong, and she really, really is in the wrong.

Tokyo

Hi Hotman,

you were specifically asked in your previous thread two weeks ago to not open new threads in Personal Issues for a while, or risk a permanent ban. There is also the issue that your threads seem somewhat at odds with each other. As such I am closing down this thread, and please consider this your final warning not to open another thread here for a while. Otherwise we will have no choice but to implement the aforementioned ban.

Regards,
Mike