20 years and gone stale

LegacyUser · 24-09-2014 7:57pm #1

i will try to keep this as short as possible

i will start with myself. i have anger issues, currently well under control,i apparenly have emotional problems, according to my wife. I only see things in black and white. you are either going to do something or not, go somewhere or not, buy something or not. i dont do this fannying around making your mind up. I dont do sympathy.

i work my nuts off to bring in a very good wage and hand in every penny, i have never been violent, i have never been unfaithful, i dont go out apart from work.

wife on the other hand, doesnt work but does keep the house and feeds us well(3 grown up children), goes to her voluntary group 2-3 times a week, saves the phone bill cause when she is home she is texting at them, constantly nags me that i dont do enough about the house, despite helping with the housework every night and making dinner the odd night, same name in this group is popping up too often,she has told me that this guy in her words "a chancer"
there is virtually no intimacy, sex 3-5 times a year and getting less and less often

so much in this that i have not covered but i would appreciate any questions .

i really like what we had but dont like what we have
how do i move forward either with or without her,
have considered moving out but havent got the balls to make that step

Neyite · 25-09-2014 9:53am

Would you consider yourself emotionally distant? If you are unsympathetic then you may be equally distant in other areas - affection, compliments, emotional support, and this is what your wife feels is lacking? That could also tie in with the lack of physical intimacy. If I feel emotionally close to my partner, then physical closeness follows, if there is an emotional distance, then physical distancing from the partner can result -this is true for a lot of women.

While you may have your anger issues under control, they are still there under the surface, resulting in a tense household when you are angry - not pleasant to live with. And I dont think that you need any pats on the back for not being violent or unfaithful - you can still kill off feelings of love and respect that someone has for you without ever lifting a finger or eyeing up a potential bit on the side. It seems from your post that you have the attitude that "this is the way I am, take it or leave it" - would this be the case?

It may be that this man is providing something to your wife in the form of an emotional affair - providing someone to listen to her, flirt with her, sympathise with her problems, etc. Are you loving and respectful to her?

So, what do you want here, OP. Do you want advice to work on your marriage, or advice to leave it?

Potatoeman · 25-09-2014 11:31am

bad bad boy wrote: »

i will try to keep this as short as possible

i will start with myself. i have anger issues, currently well under control,i apparenly have emotional problems, according to my wife. I only see things in black and white. you are either going to do something or not, go somewhere or not, buy something or not. i dont do this fannying around making your mind up. I dont do sympathy.

i work my nuts off to bring in a very good wage and hand in every penny, i have never been violent, i have never been unfaithful, i dont go out apart from work.

wife on the other hand, doesnt work but does keep the house and feeds us well(3 grown up children), goes to her voluntary group 2-3 times a week, saves the phone bill cause when she is home she is texting at them, constantly nags me that i dont do enough about the house, despite helping with the housework every night and making dinner the odd night, same name in this group is popping up too often,she has told me that this guy in her words "a chancer"
there is virtually no intimacy, sex 3-5 times a year and getting less and less often

so much in this that i have not covered but i would appreciate any questions .

i really like what we had but dont like what we have
how do i move forward either with or without her,
have considered moving out but havent got the balls to make that step

I think it would bug me working five days a week and sharing the income then being expected to do more house duties when my partner is doing two/three days volunteer work. She benefits financially from your job but you get nothing from hers.

LegacyUser · 25-09-2014 12:25pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

She benefits financially from your job but you get nothing from hers.

Oh, I don't know. What he gets is someone who has been tolerant enough to live with this man who self-confesses to anger issues (currently well under control), who only see things in black and white, who doesn't do sympathy and who's wife apparently feels he has emotional problems.

Seems he gets a lot from her. Perhaps her tolerance is reaching it's limit?

OP, you are here asking a question as if it's the first time (in a long relationship) that you've been shaken enough to question yourself and how you are to live with. My advice to you (if you would like to continue being in this relationship) is to continue questioning yourself. Perhaps get some assistance (from a counsellor, say...) with questioning yourself if it doesn't come naturally to you. If you are not used to self-examination, a counsellor will help reflect back to you the things you are saying so that you can more easily see how your patterns of behaviour are effecting yourself and others.

It really doesn't come naturally for some people, especially those with no "grey areas", where everything is clearly one way or another and who are impatient of other's not seeing things the same way. Somebody who is as particularly inflexible as you are admitting to being, and who has underlying anger when things don't go how they'd expect or want, is extremely hard to live with.

It may not be something you were born with, but it is worth looking at how you could intellectually (if not emotionally) further your understanding of other people's needs and circumstances. That wouldn't be sympathy, it would be empathy and it definitely doesn't come naturally to some. That's not a criticism - just an observation.

The Princess Bride · 25-09-2014 1:10pm

bad bad boy wrote: »

I work my nuts off to bring in a very good wage and hand in every penny, i have never been violent, i have never been unfaithful, i dont go out apart from work.

wife on the other hand, doesnt work but does keep the house and feeds us well(3 grown up children), goes to her voluntary group 2-3 times a week, saves the phone bill cause when she is home she is texting at them, constantly nags me that i dont do enough about the house, despite helping with the housework every night and making dinner the odd night,
same name in this group is popping up too often,she has told me that this guy in her words "a chancer there is virtually no intimacy, sex 3-5 times a year and getting less and less often

Loads of questions-sorry OP.
Why do you hand over every penny you earn? Surely an allowance would suffice?

Why don't you have a life outside of work?Is it that you don't want one, or you think you shouldn't have one?

How much "keeping " does your house require-your children are grown up-do they live at home?If so, they should be doing their share of the housework.

This "chancer"- am not sure what you're implying here?

Regarding the intimacy- do you still fancy her?Does she you, do you think?
Is it always you initiating it?
I feel sorry for you-you sound miserable and it looks like you need to start thinking about yourself for a change.

Could it be that your wife sees you as the provider rather than a partner?

Potatoeman · 25-09-2014 2:21pm

-sminky- wrote: »

Oh, I don't know. What he gets is someone who has been tolerant enough to live with this man who self-confesses to anger issues (currently well under control), who only see things in black and white, who doesn't do sympathy and who's wife apparently feels he has emotional problems.

Seems he gets a lot from her. Perhaps her tolerance is reaching it's limit?

.

Im not sure what he means by that it was very vague. If its part of their give and take relationship maybe it evens out. I was pointing out I would personally not be very happy with that.

LegacyUser · 25-09-2014 2:59pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

Im not sure what he means by that it was very vague. If its part of their give and take relationship maybe it evens out. I was pointing out I would personally not be very happy with that.

Well, in fairness we have little enough to go on. However, he has said himself that his wife keeps the house and everyone in it fed and we can presume that if he works full-time, he was enabled to do that by a wife who did the child care. Their relationship is more up for question here to my mind than who goes out to work and who stays in to work.....

Saralee4 · 25-09-2014 5:20pm

'i will start with myself. i have anger issues, currently well under control, I apparently have emotional problems, according to my wife. I only see things in black and white. you are either going to do something or not, go somewhere or not, buy something or not. i dont do this fannying around making your mind up. I dont do sympathy.'

op you seem to admit to the 'anger issues' but you say you 'apparently' have emotional problems, see things in black and white , and don't do sympathy.

these things that are 'apparent' to your wife but do you think she has a point?

To be intimate with someone, you need to show your emotions and you need to feel empathy and be able to put yourself in their shoes. If she feels that you are not emotionally connected to her and you don't empathise with her then they are very important fundamental parts of a relationship.

do you feel that she is emotionally open with you? does she thank you for working hard but just need a little help at home too? do you thank her for all the work she does at home? do you talk to her about her needs and wants? helping out at home is part of life also. its part of having a family.

Raising 3 kids is not easy and the volunteer work that your wife does is probably a way for her to keep her sanity and have some adult interaction especially if she doesn't have any emotional feedback or help from you.

I think the fact that she has pointed those issues out to you, is her reaching out to you for change.

'i really like what we had but dont like what we have
how do i move forward either with or without her,
have considered moving out but havent got the balls to make that step'

In fairness this statement does seem rather cold.

LegacyUser · 25-09-2014 8:55pm

so many questions raised, i will answer as may as possible

hand in every penny?
she can work out how many hours i work and knows what to expect in the pay packet. if my wages are short, there can be an inquest as to why. i dont really give a **** about money but it would be nice to have a few quid in my pocket,

life outside my work?
if i have to go somewhere that is to take an hour, my phone rings at 1 hour 10 mins. so why ****ing bother.

grown ups at home?
not allowed to lift a hand, they do nothing. turn on every light and tv and turn nothing off, i am sure i am not the only man with this problem

chancer?
this would only be the third chancer in the course of our relationship, first 2 were admitted at the time, dont know that this one will come out as quick,(if anything is even going on) just talking from experience

intimacy?
i never initiate it, not allowed to

great questions princess bride thank you

sminkey, your turn.

self examination?
have attended counselling a number of years ago and learned an awful lot from it, i have a few self help books that i was given at the time, i keep them at hand and if i feel im going wrong i pick them up and remind myself.

relationship?
i have asked her to attend counselling. i was told that i am the only one in our house who needs counselling. i had an appointment made with a relationship counsellor and asked again during a very bad spell, and got the same answer.

neyite

pats on the back?
i definitely do not want a pat on the back but i have seen posts on here where the question was asked and i just wanted it out there, but while we are on the subject i have been hit, spat on and had all sorts of ****. long time ago, and i believe that the tongue wounds deeper than the sword

The Princess Bride · 26-09-2014 7:27am

Ouch.

You are being controlled.Bullied & abused also.
Your wife calls the shots- doesn't see her faults,therefore is unlikely to ever change.
If she genuinely will not discuss matters with you, your only choices are to put up with this - or leave.
If you don't leave, you'll be looking back on your life in another 20 years & regretting not having acted.

Perhaps see a counsellor again?
They'll help with self confidence issues - you need strength to get through this- whatever your decision.
Best of luck- you get one chance to live your life, so it's important to be happy.

m'lady · 26-09-2014 8:08am

From you last post OP I would take from it that you are in fact a victim of emotional,physical and financial abuse, and have no advice other that you should contact 'AMEN'- they should be able to offer you good advice on where to go from here.

I hope it works out for you.

Neyite · 26-09-2014 9:04am

Your second post gives me more detail - I didnt realise that when you said that you'd never been abusive towards her, that what you were saying was that you never retaliated.

That changes things. You have my apology for the misunderstanding.

So far I can seem markers of emotional and financial abuse, not to mention the occasional physical abuse. I'd suspect you close down emotionally due to self protection. As for your anger issues? I'd bet money they would improve away from a toxic relationship. Have a read of this website.

I'd just mention that for abusive or controlling relationships, joint counselling is not recommended. By opening up in a safe space about your thoughts, it gives an abuser more ammunition to twist to their own advantage and use against you. But I would strongly recommend counselling for you. Contact Amen - you'll get a lot of support and understanding there. While you are doing that though, do keep it quiet or the abuse could escalate.

LegacyUser · 26-09-2014 9:47am

My apologies too OP. I read into what you said about yourself that your wife must be tolerant, but clearly she has in fact been abusing you and your relationship and using your work ethic to fund this. So I'd say again keep questioning yourself, but with the question "Why do I put up with this? Why do I not value myself and my life enough to leave someone who treats me this way?"

I second the counselling, and I wish you peace and strength to do right for yourself.

LegacyUser · 26-09-2014 6:12pm

thanks for your replies
physical stuff was years ago, stopped,

verbal crapp still goes on.

i will contact amen.

please dont anyone apologise, my first post was quite vague and scattered but the second post was more focused.

by the way folks, i am not ready for the bridge and not lying about in self pity.
i have great craic and try to enjoy every day, just this one aspect of life that i would change

Payton · 27-09-2014 11:24am

I could have written this a number of years ago....so surreal!!
Like you i worked day and night to keep our heads above water and doing door security at the weekends so "we" could have a decent life. Our kids wanted for nothing but weren't spoiled.
Sex life, emotional life, intimacy, even as far as making a bit of time for me and herself just to go out...cinema...meal was 90% rejected and met with "too tired....Not in the humor....maybe some other time" and eventually it wore me down and I had it in my head that I was the problem, I was pushing her too much and I'd leave off for a while hopeing that things would improve and it never did.
I had heard whispers that she was fooling around but when i did ask her she would rebuff it with "That one never liked me and she is just causing sh1t between us"...again I fell for it until 3 years ago she left he facebook page open and I went in to snoop and there was all the messages to other guys she was making arrangements to meet up....when confronted she swore on our childrens lives nothing happened and 3 days later she confessed to everything and blamed it on me that I was controlling!!
I have had a lot of counselling and my god when you strip everything back and anilize everything i see how manipulating and bulling she was throughout all our married lives. We are going through a separation at the moment but she did and still is trying everything to discredit me from putting a slimmer womans items of clothing into the wash and accusing me of being with someone to unspeakable acts that a man could be accused of, to drunken abuse and rude comments......sad really what people are capable of to mask their own lies.
I see now she is more to be pitied than anything else, and things were never going to get better and call it faith that she left her Facebook page open but I am where I am and I in a hell of a lot happier place mentally and physically, I contacted Amen and have found them to be amazing and so so helpful...Please reach out to them if its possible.
Sh1t happens in peoples lives but only YOU can change it, its only when you step back and look at everything that's going on can you start to rebuild your life and come to see that yeah that life is about YOU...there are plenty of people in your shoes out there and are still facing the same routine day in day out, be proud of yourself that you have taken the courage to address this problem and have started to act on it.
Best of luck.

20 years and gone stale

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