Too fat for a relationship

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

My post is more of a ramble than a question. However, I need to put what I am going through down on paper to help relieve the heavy weight that is on my shoulders.

I see myself as a single female, with no dependents, which lives with her house mate. To the outside world I am a female in a relationship, with no dependents, living in a decent suburban estate with my long term partner. Neither could be further from the truth.
Though, the latter was the case until I suggested that my partner should start seeing other women.

I was always thin person and when I met my partner I was exceptionally slim and fit. I suppose this is what attracted him to me.

Over years I began piling on the pounds and at my heaviest my weight had doubled. I was deeply depressed. There were numerous factors that aided the weight gain but are too numerous to mention. My partner began to withdraw further from me and I suspected he was seeing somebody else but I put it to the back of my mind.

The final straw came when one night we attempted to have sex and on sight of my naked body he started retching and ran to the bathroom. I have never been so humiliated in all on my life.

The following morning I told him that he should start seeing other people and I would go and get myself help. I said all this to avoid further blushes. He began seeing a woman and they have been together for almost ten years now. She is aware of my existence but knows myself and my ex is not intimate.

He still insists on taking me on holidays twice a year and does everything couples do apart from the obvious.

I have become tired of our arrangement but he is refusing to let go . . .

Tilly

Why are you staying in this relationship? Why is he staying in this relationship and not living with his other girlfriend?

m'lady

Wow OP, I'm in shock that you have stuck with this arrangement for the past 10 years.. Is there any children involved?

jdsk2006

Your situation is heartbreaking and shows no sign of improvment until you decide to do something bout it.

You absolutely must get out of this "relationship " asap. its doing you no good and is only further compacting your feelings of low self love/worth.

You need time to find yourself again and focus on the future. Major changes are required in your life op and it won't be easy, but changes to diet and activity will give you back some control and put you back in the driving seat.......you said you were fit before so I'm assuming you have a forgotten love of exercise?

Its all totally sortable outable op, but you need to enlist the help of professionals(counselor,trainer, dietician) here and turn your life around......its not too late to have a full life.

anniemay1948

letgonow wrote: »

Hi guys,

My post is more of a ramble than a question. However, I need to put what I am going through down on paper to help relieve the heavy weight that is on my shoulders.

I see myself as a single female, with no dependents, which lives with her house mate. To the outside world I am a ofemale in a relationship, with no dependents, living in a decent suburban estate with my long term partner. Neither could be further from the truth.
Though, the latter was the case until I suggested that my partner should start seeing other women.

I was always thin person and when I met my partner I was exceptionally slim and fit. I suppose this is what attracted him to me.

Over years I began piling on the pounds and at my heaviest my weight had doubled. I was deeply depressed. There were numerous factors that aided the weight gain but are too numerous to mention. My partner began to withdraw further from me and I suspected he was seeing somebody else but I put it to the back of my mind.

The final straw came when one night we attempted to have sex and on sight of my naked body he started retching and ran to the bathroom. I have never been so humiliated in all on my life.

The following morning I told him that he should start seeing other people and I would go and get myself help. I said all this to avoid further blushes. He began seeing a woman and they have been together for almost ten years now. She is aware of my existence but knows myself and my ex is not intimate.

He still insists on taking me on holidays twice a year and does everything couples do apart from the obvious.

I have become tired of our arrangement but he is refusing to let go . . .

I know I am having my own issues but this really shocked me, I feel for you, your self esteem must be very low bit like mine, I understand the weigh issues too. But that's no reason for you to allow yourself be treated this way, just because u are carrying a few pounds doesn't make you unattractive or unlovable. Bet he's no Brad Pitt?!! If your weights getting you down join unislim., its Fab!! And in the mean time tell him to f off back to his other woman and get yourself a real man!

LegacyUser

Thank you all very much for responding so quickly.

I don't have any children.

He is refusing to leave the house and move in with his other half because he says he doesn't want to leave me. I know this is nonsense but he insists he is worried about me.

I have had my head in the clouds for years and want out now.

I agree that exercise is the key. I just need to motivate myself.

Magicmatilda

I suspect this is not a case of you being a few punds overweight but rather that you are seriousely obese, I am getting that from the fact that you were at your heaviest twice your lightest. If you lightes was 8 stone the your heaviest would be 16.

I find it strange that your partner started retching and running to the bathroom, that is a very odd reaction, surely he had seen you and had some idea of what to expect. Anyway It doesn't seem to be a loving situation. Why do either of you stay?

I would recommend that you get a referral to a dietician at your nearest hospital. Your GP should be able to sort this out.Have you seen a dietician? I was referred to one earlier this year at my request and I was seen pretty quickly.

Your GP should be testing you for hormone problems and Thyroid problems also. As there may be an underlying physical issue.

I would also recommend you get yourself some counselling to deal with the emotional side of this and start building up your self esteem.

Life doesn't have to be like this but it is up to YOU to take action to change it.

LegacyUser

Hi Anniemay,

Your post put a smile on my face, I laughed out loud, which is not something I do a lot of lately. You're right he is no Brad Pitt!

anniemay1948

letgonow wrote: »

Hi Anniemay,

Your post put a smile on my face, I laughed out loud, which is not something I do a lot of lately. You're right he is no Brad Pitt!

Good I'm glad I did!! It doesn't matter a dam what someone weighs it's the person on the inside and I know that's cliche but its true. Worried about you you say? Why would he be worried about you? If he cared anything for you he'd get out of your home and life and stop holding you back. Sounds to me like he is more dependable on you than you are on him. Please get rid honey because before you know it you'll be old and grey and life will have passed you by. Can I ask have you been with anyone since you've been with him in this situation?

Potatoeman

Why did you suggest he see someone else? Was it easier than dealing with your weight issue?

Doubling your weight is a serious change and as much as some on here say inner beauty is more important I really doubt they picked their partner without their looks being a factor.

LegacyUser

Is there any chance he is only staying with you for financial reasons? Do you own the house or do you both own it? Do you earn more money than him and help him out a lot financially? Basically what else would he lose if your agreement together came to an end?
It just doesn't make sense that he would stick around for 10 long years if he is basically in a relationship with another woman and is physically repulsed by the sight of you.

It must be humiliating and a constant blow to your esteem the way this relationship is continuing. By him seeing this woman for sex but never having it with you, you are constantly being reminded and made to feel that you are not enough.

At this stage you may just believe that, and be resigned to it.
But you are good enough and you are worth so much more.
You can lose this weight and become healthy again, but do it for yourself and not for him.

If you lose the weight and he is suddenly attracted to you again. Could you be happy knowing that you are only now worth enough to him purely because you are slim and pretty again? Do you really think he would just suddenly end things with the other woman he has being seeing for the last 10 years?

This is why you need to do this for your own happiness and I think you would be better equipped to do this if you were separated from him, because the lack of confidence he makes you feel will only hinder your progress.

Believe me I know it's so much easier said than done to just leave. I am in a bad relationship myself right now that I need to leave, but it's bad for very different reasons to yours.

It's so easy to find yourself just getting used to a bad situation, it very very very slowly progresses over the years so it becomes normal and what you are used to. Until one day you look at yourself and don't even recognise yourself anymore from the strong, independent happy person you used to be.

I am just starting on that path and you can too.
I hope we both find the strength to break free soon.

Tilly

letgonow wrote: »

Thank you all very much for responding so quickly.

I don't have any children.

He is refusing to leave the house and move in with his other half because he says he doesn't want to leave me. I know this is nonsense but he insists he is worried about me.

I have had my head in the clouds for years and want out now.

I agree that exercise is the key. I just need to motivate myself.

Is the house in both your names?

The other woman is a total mug for allowing this carry on. You need to sit him down and tell him enough is enough. The sooner you do this the sooner you can move on and look after yourself. Staying in this relationship is dragging you down. You wont know yourself once you get over the first few months on your own, i promise.

stargazer 68

Tilly wrote: »

The other woman is a total mug for allowing this carry on.

Possibly or very happy with the arrangement - she gets the best of both worlds! OP pack his bags and dump them on her doorstep would be my advice.

I know that's easier said than done but it's time to look after number 1 now.

LegacyUser

You don't love someone because they are slim. Fat girls aren't unattractive, personally I am attracted to bigger girls. Something about lots of skin on skin contact during intimacy is such a turn on for me, maybe too much sometimes I was with a very physically attractive girl before but because she ended up being such a horrible person it got to the stage where I just couldn't get it up for her anymore. It really comes down to that, attraction is more to do with personality than physical attributes.

As for the retching and running to the bathroom, that just sounds like dramatics from him. If someone I loved told me to start seeing someone else if they were unable to have sex or for whatever reason, I would be hurt. The last thing I would do is go looking for another woman.

You have wasted long enough in this situation. You can find someone who will love you, everyway.

Candy_Girl

I'm sorry op but this man doesn't give a flying **** about you he is just happy with the arrangement that he has between both partners. You need to cut ties with this man and move on with your life, 10 years is way too long for this carry on. Regardless of your weight he has no business treating you like that. Why are you allowing this? you are worth more! you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be with someone who loves you and supports you. I'm sure deep down you know this, so please take the steps to move on with your life.

There are lots of people who struggle with their weight and self esteem but if you want to change your life you're going to have to start working on yourself. I'd suggest joining a group of some sort for support and learn about healthy eating, no point excising while you're still eating the wrong foods. There are lots of online groups available or maybe slimming world if that's more suited to you.I'm suggesting this as I know once you get out there and start making the change it will boost your self esteem.

I really hope you can see that you deserve more, all the best x

LegacyUser

Ok all the focus is going to be on the weight issue and telling you to be positive and get fit etc etc and theres nothing wrong with that but seriously OP there is a much deeper issue here, it's been TEN years! Why would you stay living with someone and keep up the pretense of being in a relationship? Are you just afraid to leave because you think you'll never have another relationship because of your weight?

There has to be more to this story - Why didn't you break up and go your separate ways ten years ago? Even if you owned the house together, there are plenty of people who find themselves in the same situation and have to deal with it. Why do you keep up this fake relationship for the outside world? Are you working? Is he working? You say he takes you on holidays and does other 'couples' things....are you both paying or are you paying or is he? If your supporting him financially maybe I could understand why it suits him but if he's contributing I just don't understand why either you is still there.

Plenty of couples change during their relationships and many adapt while some don't and break up or some just fall out of love but to stay in a relationship like this is toxic. If he is refusing to let go then that's his issue, you need to walk away.

kylith

letgonow wrote: »

Thank you all very much for responding so quickly.

I don't have any children.

He is refusing to leave the house and move in with his other half because he says he doesn't want to leave me. I know this is nonsense but he insists he is worried about me.

I have had my head in the clouds for years and want out now.

I suspect that he has other motives for not wanting to move out. Cheap rent, possibly, or do you do his cooking and cleaning?

If it's your house tell him you want him gone and, if necessary, start packing his bags for him. If it's his house make arrangements and pack your bags and go. If you both own the house tell him that you want to sell up and move out, and he can buy you out if he wants. One way or another you need to get out of this situation.

letgonow wrote: »

I agree that exercise is the key. I just need to motivate myself.

I suspect that that will be easier to do when you don't have him around constantly to remind you of how 'unattractive' you are. Honestly, some overweight women I know are the most stylish and sexy of my friends. There are plenty of men out there who would love you regardless of your size, you just need to get rid of this waster first.

Tilly

By kicking him out you're already losing at least 12 stone

we'llallhavetea

this is the most bizarre set up i have ever heard of in my life. ten years is just unbelievable. op, i would suggest you seek counselling asap and try and separate from this man as soon as you can. what a miserable existence
do you have a close friend or family member that knows the situation? if so are they not telling you you are mad? life will be so much better without him for you, it really will.
i think focus on separating from him for now. once that is done you can focus on yourself and losing the weight.

Kidchameleon

People are being harsh on the guy. Op sees herself as a single female, told the guy to find someone else and refers to him as her housemate. Looks to me like they broke up 10 years ago. Op time to move on and deal with the issues that led to the weight gain. You need to stop blaming this guy. If he's so awful to you why do you accept his generosity of holidays each year?

LegacyUser

Kidchameleon wrote: »

People are being harsh on the guy. Op sees herself as a single female, told the guy to find someone else and refers to him as her housemate. Looks to me like they broke up 10 years ago. Op time to move on and deal with the issues that led to the weight gain. You need to stop blaming this guy. If he's so awful to you why do you accept his generosity of holidays each year?

The OP does say she sees herself as a single female but also states to the outside world she is in a relationship with this guy. The OP needs to explain why they both have felt the need to keep up this pretense of being together. The guys GF knows about her but does anyone else know about his GF? Is the OP dependent on this guy or is the house hers? Is there a family reasons ie either of their parents, they are trying to keep happy pretending to be together. There are a lot of details left out. The notion that they are living together as couple except for sex and he has another woman for sex because she got fat for 10 year just seems like there is something important left out of this story.

Bafucin

OP he is not attracted to you. Don't internalize that.

It seems a really odd situation to me. I don't think he can be expected to be attracted to someone he isn't physically attracted to anymore.

There seems to be zero connection there. His opinion of you should not really matter to you now. I think you need to get your life back for you.

He has been seeing someone else for ten years? You call him a housemate because that is what he is.

He is not attracted to you to an extreme. If there is no desire why are you guys together?

I think it's obvious that you are afraid of never finding someone because of your body. And in a way he is keeping you fat. His behaviors I would wager keep you in this state. You are both enabling the other. Even the other woman is.

If he is not attracted to your weight it's very unhealthy for you both. I think it's much more than that though. He should have left you years ago. You seemed to only have gained weight IN this relationship.

Confused12345

letgonow wrote: »

Hi guys,

My post is more of a ramble than a question. However, I need to put what I am going through down on paper to help relieve the heavy weight that is on my shoulders.

I see myself as a single female, with no dependents, which lives with her house mate. To the outside world I am a female in a relationship, with no dependents, living in a decent suburban estate with my long term partner. Neither could be further from the truth.
Though, the latter was the case until I suggested that my partner should start seeing other women.

I was always thin person and when I met my partner I was exceptionally slim and fit. I suppose this is what attracted him to me.

Over years I began piling on the pounds and at my heaviest my weight had doubled. I was deeply depressed. There were numerous factors that aided the weight gain but are too numerous to mention. My partner began to withdraw further from me and I suspected he was seeing somebody else but I put it to the back of my mind.

The final straw came when one night we attempted to have sex and on sight of my naked body he started retching and ran to the bathroom. I have never been so humiliated in all on my life.

The following morning I told him that he should start seeing other people and I would go and get myself help. I said all this to avoid further blushes. He began seeing a woman and they have been together for almost ten years now. She is aware of my existence but knows myself and my ex is not intimate.

He still insists on taking me on holidays twice a year and does everything couples do apart from the obvious.

I have become tired of our arrangement but he is refusing to let go . . .

My heart is breaking reading this post
Op you deserve so much more than this , Love is not about how a person looks or what they weight he never should have turned to another woman and expect you to just wait at home for him it sounds like this man wants the best of both worlds but how is that making you feel , if you are unhappy with your weight if you want to try loose it do but do it for yourself and not for him he does not deserve to be part of your life any longer
Tell him it is no longer his choice you have made a decision and seek advise I know it will be a bit embarrassing for you to talk about this with family or friends but I urge you to talk to someone about this let them know how unhappy your are and start building a new life for yourself , life is way too short to be so unhappy
I wish I could give you a big hug right now

thefeatheredcat

OP this is an unhealthy situation for all 3 of you.
Your housemate / partner has been involved with another woman for 10 years but has given her no commitment and no future in their relationship (I assume it is beyond just a sexual relationship) such as marriage or children and general expectations of a long term relationship. I have to wonder of the self esteem of a woman who would accept that in the long term, to stand that for so long, and be willing to accept that. And I've an uncomfortable feeling that she is the next you.

I have to wonder are you being used as an excuse for him to not evolve that relationship beyond 10 years of being boyfriend/girlfriend without any commitment? Just so that he can maintain whatever he has, whether it is a free cook and house keeper in you, a financial crutch in you, or a way of never dealing with his own feelings about you e.g. fear of leaving you behind / guilt of not being there for you....

I'm not entirely clear what the nature of your housemate/partner and the woman he has been in a relationship with for 10 years actually is.... But I would have to ask myself why someone would stick around for so long involved with a man who lives with another partner on a non sexual (but it is not described as platonic) relationship and takes them away on holidays twice a year and why both of you women accept this arrangement, regardless as to how it came about or who suggested it.

If you're tired of the situation then it is time to draw the situation to a close at your end. Sit down and talk with your housemate/partner and end the charade. The only people all 3 of you are hurting is yourselves in all loosing out on real relationships at the expense of whatever is behind this arrangement in remaining to be, that nobody is prepared to face up and see beyond the smoke and mirrors of a ridiculous fantasy and delusion that you are all in.

You, you need to focus on yourself. I think you need to be very honest with yourself and upfront with how you feel about all this and be motivated about doing something about it. Are you really going to waste away the rest of your life is some charade, some delusional fantasy created by all 3 of you until you're in your 60s and 80s? Don't you deserve more from life than this? I think you do! And there's no such thing as too fat for a relationship, physically no, I have an aunt through marriage who would be described as morbidly obese, but as long as I have known her (as she has been part of the extended family since I was about 5 years old) she always was, she had a husband (who died only a few years ago), she had 3 children with him, a house, a family, an extended family, a job, a loving relationship, and she is also quite a lovely person and has some very beautiful features. It's all about what's going on up there in your mind and how you feel about yourself, your self esteem, that sets a limit on what you can and can't have.
Your housemate/partner I don't quite get what he gets out of this except maybe a housekeeper and someone who will wash his clothes, or be financially dependent upon, however I don't know if that is what he is like.
The other woman, she needs also to dissolve whatever hopeless relationship she has with your housemate/partner because that is going nowhere. 10 years and he is still living with you, afraid to leave you, taking you on holidays, (is he taking her on holidays too?) worrying after you, there isn't a real hope of that relationship going anywhere in my opinion except that she will turn into you, becoming the housemate while he is off with some other woman.
I'm not sure of your housemate/partner's motivation and reason for maintaining this situation, whether it is love or guilt or fear or convenience that this has been the way for 10 years and I don't get why the other woman accepts it; the only thing I can see is that either all 3 of you have self esteem issues to maintain this delusion of happiness or there's other things playing around in the background like guilt and taking advantage or manipulation or going along with it hoping it all will magically change with time, either way the only way to end it if you no longer want to be part of this delusion is to end it. It's an unhealthy situation for all 3 of you, nobody is really benefiting to any extent - assuming I can give the benefit of the doubt to all of you of being without an underhanded motive in maintaining this situation - and it will just stay the same otherwise as the years and opportunities in having a real relationship with someone and being happy slip away from all of you, along with any flicker of self esteem.

Bobo Dupe

letgonow wrote: »

Hi guys,

My post is more of a ramble than a question. However, I need to put what I am going through down on paper to help relieve the heavy weight that is on my shoulders.

I see myself as a single female, with no dependents, which lives with her house mate. To the outside world I am a female in a relationship, with no dependents, living in a decent suburban estate with my long term partner. Neither could be further from the truth.
Though, the latter was the case until I suggested that my partner should start seeing other women.

I was always thin person and when I met my partner I was exceptionally slim and fit. I suppose this is what attracted him to me.

Over years I began piling on the pounds and at my heaviest my weight had doubled. I was deeply depressed. There were numerous factors that aided the weight gain but are too numerous to mention. My partner began to withdraw further from me and I suspected he was seeing somebody else but I put it to the back of my mind.

The final straw came when one night we attempted to have sex and on sight of my naked body he started retching and ran to the bathroom. I have never been so humiliated in all on my life.

The following morning I told him that he should start seeing other people and I would go and get myself help. I said all this to avoid further blushes. He began seeing a woman and they have been together for almost ten years now. She is aware of my existence but knows myself and my ex is not intimate.

He still insists on taking me on holidays twice a year and does everything couples do apart from the obvious.

I have become tired of our arrangement but he is refusing to let go . . .

Have you considered gastric bands?

rcarroll

It sounds like something happened ten years ago to make you start putting on weight...maybe now you're ready to start dealing with it and thats great news and will start the ball rolling on gettig your life back...have you asked him to move out? If so and he has refused get legal advice...there are other boardsies here or other forums that can help direct you to the right places.

Id also suggest getting emotional support through a friend or counsellor to talk about the major changes you're going to face. Deciding you are worth more than this situation you have, how you've let your weight increase so much and dictate how worthwhile as a person you are...thats a lot of stuff you'll need to work through and its a good step to recognise that this isnt healthy/acceptable to you anymore.

As for the weight gain...are you sure you werent using the situation as an excuse to feel down and eat more? I ask as I know myself I've allowed or encouraged situations that were emotionally bad for me as it was a crutch to reinforce feelings of insecurity about myself and give me the permission I needed to comfort eat...I'm single now and losing the weight I put on in the relationship. Like you I was slim before but at the end of the relationship I'd put on a stone and it had been commented on by my ex too.

Give yourself permission to get better, healthy again. You'll feel happier once your rid of him and the weight will start coming off once you address it-which is easier to do from a happy place..seek the help of a nutritonist too.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find yourself again

Emme

OP if you used to be slim and fit and have put on this huge amount of weight something isn't right. Did you get your doctor to check out your health to see if there are any underlying problems? An untreated or undertreated thyroid issue would make you pile on the weight and would make it resistant to diet and exercise.

How heavy are you now? Were you 8 stone when you got together and 10 or 11 stone now? That would be a definite weight gain but you would not be so overweight as to put off many men. Did you go up to 16 stone from 8 stone? That is very heavy and unhealthy.

If you are very overweight you should lose some weight for your own health. Your housemate/boyfriend :rolleyes: is showing no consideration for you by allowing this to go on. Obviously you are facilitating him in some way if he wants to stay in the house with you.

Start working on your health and your weight straight away. He may well try to sabotage your weight loss because the current situation suits him. Therefore it would be better if he moved out altogether but when you address your health and weight you will gain more confidence and you will be able to be more definite with him.

Stavro Mueller

letgonow wrote: »

I have become tired of our arrangement but he is refusing to let go . . .

***

He is refusing to leave the house and move in with his other half because he says he doesn't want to leave me. I know this is nonsense but he insists he is worried about me. I have had my head in the clouds for years and want out now.

I re-read your posts just now. It's all too easy to get caught up in the weight part which while connected to this in some ways, is another issue entirely. Is the biggest problem you have at the moment getting him out of your(?) house? It sounds like you've turned a corner and want the arrangement to end.

You didn't say what the story was with the house. If it's a house that you or both of you bought, you're going to need legal advice. Have you taken a look at the information about cohabitation property rights?

It might also help to get moral support from family or friends. You don't need to give them the gory details of what has been going on. I'm not suggesting you call them over to evict him but it could help to have them around.

LegacyUser

@ Stavro Mueller - yes, I've definitely turned a corner and want out of this arrangement.

Thanks so much to each and every poster who's taking the time to answer.

I went for a full check up late last year at my GP's and then at the hospital. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown at the time. The Doctor suggested they prescribe a mild anxiety medication. The results of tests at the hospital confirmed I had a hormone imbalance. This seems to be rectified now. It was through this period that I began to see my surroundings for what they really were.

I don't cook, clean or do anything for him. I asked him to leave on numerous occasions over the years but he refused to go. He'd worm his way around me, promise the sun , moon and stars, I'd relent and the cycle would continue. Ten years sounds like a long time but when your going through it, its like the blink of an eye.

I would never tell my family about what's been going on but outsiders have made one or two comments which leads me to believe they know something is going on. He has a friend from years ago that he occasionally keeps in contact with; when I was alone with the friend he told me that he had an indication of what was going on and told the "house mate" for want of a better word to leave me alone.

He is going away with his partner over the next few days. I have arranged a locksmith to change the lock when he is gone and will have his bags packed and ready to go.

Of course I have said nothing to him as its best to have done all this when he isn't there.

Betty Bloggs

I can't understand why he refused to leave so many times if he is not in a relationship with you. Is the woman he is seeing married or in a relationship with children of her own and having an affair with him? It's just so strange.

Whatever the reasons though, I'm very glad that you have found the courage to end this. Remain strong and don't let him worm his way back under your roof this time. You seem to be doing well and taking all the right steps. Have some of your own friends or even his friend that spoke up for you ready to talk him down if he tries to create hassle when he gets back.

Those 10 years are your past, you are on the right track now for the next new chapter in your life and I hope it will be a brighter happier one for you.

Stavro Mueller

Good for you I still think you could do with having some back-up though. Do you have anyone you could ask to stay with you for a few days. I've a feeling he's not going to go quietly. He'll either try to worm his way back in again or turn nasty.

daisybelle2008

letgonow wrote: »

@ Stavro Mueller - yes, I've definitely turned a corner and want out of this arrangement.

Thanks so much to each and every poster who's taking the time to answer.

I went for a full check up late last year at my GP's and then at the hospital. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown at the time. The Doctor suggested they prescribe a mild anxiety medication. The results of tests at the hospital confirmed I had a hormone imbalance. This seems to be rectified now. It was through this period that I began to see my surroundings for what they really were.

I don't cook, clean or do anything for him. I asked him to leave on numerous occasions over the years but he refused to go. He'd worm his way around me, promise the sun , moon and stars, I'd relent and the cycle would continue. Ten years sounds like a long time but when your going through it, its like the blink of an eye.

I would never tell my family about what's been going on but outsiders have made one or two comments which leads me to believe they know something is going on. He has a friend from years ago that he occasionally keeps in contact with; when I was alone with the friend he told me that he had an indication of what was going on and told the "house mate" for want of a better word to leave me alone.

He is going away with his partner over the next few days. I have arranged a locksmith to change the lock when he is gone and will have his bags packed and ready to go.

Of course I have said nothing to him as its best to have done all this when he isn't there.

You are changing the locks and throwing him out of his home without any discussion with him, what gives you the right to do that? You've had ten years to deal with the situation and yourself and haven't, why the big dramatic gesture now . Resorting to this kind of dramatics is hardly reasonable and not effectively dealing with it. Deal with him with courage, conviction of your decision and fairness. For whatever reasons he has stood by you, you told him to have an affair after all. If you want to change the goalposts now that's fine, but tell him in person not this cowardly way.

rcarroll

I think it's great that you're finally leaving him, well done!

However I think daisybelle is right. Changing the locks and kicking him out of what has been his home for ten years is not fair...who actually owns he house and does he contribute? It might not be that easy to walk away from the relationship...after ten years I imagine he has rights and honestly I'd be trying to work this out amicabally first..it might come back to bite you if you make such a dramatic attack

LegacyUser

I have to to agree with others, while it's great your taking positive steps you don't make it clear if you own the house and legally if you do own it he may have a claim to part of it as you have been living as partners for the past 10 years (fake relationship or not, you've been living as a couple to the outside world). From your posts it's really unclear what exactly the situation between the two of you is. You've maintained the illusion of relationship for family and the majority of people it seems but you don't give any reason why you would both chose to do this. While it's not on that he refused to leave when asked (assuming the house is in your name) your both as bad as the other for keeping the status que for as long as you have. The title of this threat implies the whole situation is all down to your weight gain but that doesn't add up or explain why you've kept the fake relationship up. You say he refused to leave and maybe your own issues stopped you from walking away but why did you pretend to still be in relationship to family?

Stavro Mueller

I take the point of the people who say it's wrong to just throw him out and I don't think they're wrong. On the other hand, the OP's "housemate" has been asked to leave repeatedly but he won't go. Trying to get him out of there won't be easy once he gets in through that front door. Can he not go spend the night with his other woman when he's kicked out?

LegacyUser

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I take the point of the people who say it's wrong to just throw him out and I don't think they're wrong. On the other hand, the OP's "housemate" has been asked to leave repeatedly but he won't go. Trying to get him out of there won't be easy once he gets in through that front door. Can he not go spend the night with his other woman when he's kicked out?

We don't know what their set up is so while the OP may have asked him to leave we don't know what the legal standing is regarding were they are living and the OP needs to be careful of the legal side of things. If the OP owns the house and he has been living there with her, in the OP's own words, as a couple except for sex then he may be able to claim for part ownership of the house so the OP changing the locks may land them in trouble. If the property is rented then legally the OP can't change the locks without the landlords permission and if both their names are on the lease she can't kick him out like that.

I don't want to put the OP down as it's good they have started to take positive steps but we're not taking about a typical break-up. How I read the OP's last post her family still thinks they are a couple and so do many other people so the OP's first step is to tell other people they are not a couple. Kicking him out like this implies to other people that it's something recent and he has done something wrong. Now he is wrong but so is the OP, they both kept up this fake relationship. Now the OP is dealing with their issues with their own self esteem but they are her issues, she says so herself she wasn't cooking and cleaning for his guy, they are, as she says, flatmates. They both appear to have some weird issues about letting go that needs to be addressed and should stop living together but just packing his stuff and changing the locks isn't right.

Betty Bloggs

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I take the point of the people who say it's wrong to just throw him out and I don't think they're wrong. On the other hand, the OP's "housemate" has been asked to leave repeatedly but he won't go. Trying to get him out of there won't be easy once he gets in through that front door. Can he not go spend the night with his other woman when he's kicked out?

I agree. It makes things much more complicated if he has some say on the house but I was getting the impression that he didn't? Being asked to leave repeatedly and refusing. One of his own friends even telling him to "leave her alone" (the op), makes it sound like he's bad news and not remaining there for the good of the op, but almost as though she has felt a bit stuck or trapped in a bad situation. Could be wrong, but that's the impression I was getting.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

It might seem I am being harsh on him by changing the locks and not informing him but it's the only thing I can think of.

I purchased my home before I met him so its registered solely in my name.

The only reason I believe he is not living with his partner is because he doesn't have anytime for her adult son. His friend told me that he hates the area she lives in and the mindset of the people who live there. This is the type of obnoxious twat he has turned out to be.

His partner is divorced and from what I've heard is a very meek mannered woman. So as you can gather he has a soft touch on both this side and her side.

I did love him and out of embarrassment told him to see other women because I knew he was repulsed by my weight gain. When he did meet another woman I thought over time he would have moved in with her but this never happened. He became quite happy with the arrangement. She wanted him to move in with her but he wouldn't.

Throughout the years I pleaded with him to move in with her but he always refused. Physically he is not attracted to me but emotionally he will not let go.

By know means am I placing all the blame on him as I was the one who told him to meet other people because it was an easier way out than me dealing with my own insecurities.

Stavro Mueller

Now that you've clarified that you own the house, you definitely need legal advice. Especially if he can claim he contributed towards the mortgage and is entitled to a share of the house. I thought you were renting for some reason. Don't be surprised if he gets himself to a solicitor if you change the locks. Be prepared for the gloves to come off.

JillyQ

Op you need to get legal advise he may have some claim on the house depending on how long he has lived there.

Emme

JillyQ wrote: »

Op you need to get legal advise he may have some claim on the house depending on how long he has lived there.

OP, DO NOT CHANGE THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE UNTIL YOU HAVE GOT LEGAL ADVICE.

You need legal advice on your position as it relates to the Civil Partnership Act.

See Part 14 (sections 172 and 173) of the Civil Partnership Act of 2010 (link and extracts below):

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/2010/en/act/pub/0024/

172.— (1) For the purposes of this Part, a cohabitant is one of 2 adults (whether of the same or the opposite sex) who live together as a couple in an intimate and committed relationship and who are not related to each other within the prohibited degrees of relationship or married to each other or civil partners of each other.

(2) In determining whether or not 2 adults are cohabitants, the court shall take into account all the circumstances of the relationship and in particular shall have regard to the following:

(a) the duration of the relationship;
(b) the basis on which the couple live together;
(c) the degree of financial dependence of either adult on the other and any agreements in respect of their finances;
(d) the degree and nature of any financial arrangements between the adults including any joint purchase of an estate or interest in land or joint acquisition of personal property;
(e) whether there are one or more dependent children
(f) whether one of the adults cares for and supports the children of the other; and
(g) the degree to which the adults present themselves to others as a couple.

(3) For the avoidance of doubt a relationship does not cease to be an intimate relationship for the purpose of this section merely because it is no longer sexual in nature

(a) they would be prohibited from marrying each other in the State, or
(b) they are in a relationship referred to in the Third Schedule to the Civil Registration Act 2004 inserted by section 26 of this Act.

(4) For the purposes of this section, 2 adults are within a prohibited degree of relationship if—

(5) For the purposes of this Part, a qualified cohabitant means an adult who was in a relationship of cohabitation with another adult and who, immediately before the time that that relationship ended, whether through death or otherwise, was living with the other adult as a couple for a period—

(a) of 2 years or more, in the case where they are the parents of one or more dependent children, and
(b) of 5 years or more, in any other case.

173.— (1) A qualified cohabitant may, subject to any agreement under section 202 , apply to the court, on notice to the other cohabitant, for an order under sections 174 , 175 and 187 or any of them.

(2) If the qualified cohabitant satisfies the court that he or she is financially dependent on the other cohabitant and that the financial dependence arises from the relationship or the ending of the relationship, the court may, if satisfied that it is just and equitable to do so in all the circumstances, make the order concerned.

This man may be aware of all the above. Legally you and he could well be the same as a married couple who live together and do everything together but do not have sex. I do not know this for definite as I am not a solicitor. You will have to show your solicitor the following:

letgonow wrote: »

I see myself as a single female, with no dependents, which lives with her house mate. To the outside world I am a female in a relationship, with no dependents, living in a decent suburban estate with my long term partner. Neither could be further from the truth.

He still insists on taking me on holidays twice a year and does everything couples do apart from the obvious. I have become tired of our arrangement but he is refusing to let go . . .

I wonder if he is refusing to let go because he knows he may have a claim to your house.

Seek good legal advice and I hope it goes well for you.

CaliforniaDream

Obviously legal advice is the way to go but would the fact that he's been in another relationship for so long mean he loses any rights to the house?

Good luck OP, hopefully you both come out better for it.

kylith

CaliforniaDream wrote: »

Obviously legal advice is the way to go but would the fact that he's been in another relationship for so long mean he loses any rights to the house?

Good luck OP, hopefully you both come out better for it.

Good point, if his girlfriend is willing to state on the record that she's his girlfriend then that may demote him to Housemate in the eyes of the law.

m'lady

He sounds quite manipulative, and the OP has described the girlfriend as being quite meek mannered, so I highly doubt she will go against him and say she's been in a relationship with him. OP you need legal advice before you do anything, and that includes changing locks etc

LegacyUser

Wow, I am truly floored by the legalities. I don't believe his other half will say she is in a relationship with him. She seems to hang on every word he says and will do as he says. They are going away for a week soon and I had hoped to have his belongings packed and new locks on the door.

Last night I brought up the subject of him moving out, he dismissed it and said he was not going.

I will contact a solicitor ASAP.

Thanks so much for all the advise.

sunshine and showers

For helping with the legalities, is there any proof of their relationship? Maybe pictures on Facebook or something like that? Do you have friends who would attest to their relationship being genuine?

Start thinking of evidence you can gather up to bring to a solicitor. And I'd gather it now before he has a chance to do anything.

LegacyUser

sunshine and showers wrote: »

For helping with the legalities, is there any proof of their relationship? Maybe pictures on Facebook or something like that? Do you have friends who would attest to their relationship being genuine?

Start thinking of evidence you can gather up to bring to a solicitor. And I'd gather it now before he has a chance to do anything.

It doesn't matter that he has a relationship with this woman, all he has to say is he and the op have an open relationship which the OP did technically agree to. As the op kept the end of their relationship a secret he can bring family and friends in to state they were a couple. The lack of sex in their relationship means nothing, they were living together as a couple.

sunshine and showers

Can't log in wrote: »

It doesn't matter that he has a relationship with this woman, all he has to say is he and the op have an open relationship which the OP did technically agree to. As the op kept the end of their relationship a secret he can bring family and friends in to state they were a couple. The lack of sex in their relationship means nothing, they were living together as a couple.

I would argue that it does matter that he has another relationship. Technically agreeing to an open relationship is bs. They were "roommates", that's more than a lack of sex. Her ex partner will only have equitable and legal rights in the property under certain circumstances if the house is in the OP's name.

Anyway, seek professional legal advice, OP. Do not fear that all is lost before then. But do tell at least one person what has been going on for the last decade!

Edit: the OP has also asked this man to leave HER house on a number of occasions. Proof of this would be ideal. He sounds like a leech.

Also, It has stuck with me for the past few days since I first read your OP: his reaction of "gagging" at your body after weight gain is despicable and unforgivable. That is not how one expresses oneself or deals with issues in a loving relationship. Get rid, pronto - I wish you all the luck in the world!

kylith

OP, do ye sleep in separate rooms?

liz lemoncello

letgonow wrote: »

....

He is going away with his partner over the next few days.....

letgonow wrote: »

... I don't believe his other half will say she is in a relationship with him. .....

I think it is sad that you refer to this woman using these term, "partner", "other half".
Please seek legal advice before you do anything.

hardCopy

I can't add anything to the legal discussion but just want to tell the op that none of what has gone on means you're "too fat for a relationship".

This relationship failed because your boyfriend is an ass, please don't take as an indicator of all future relationships.