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Marriage counselling

  • 22-09-2014 8:08pm
    #1
    oswald1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4 ✭


    I have made an appointment to attending marriage counselling, do not know what to expect. Looking for some advice on what to expect at it.


Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    oswald1 wrote: »
    I have made an appointment to attending marriage counselling, do not know what to expect. Looking for some advice on what to expect at it.

    I've been to marriage counselling twice and had a completely different experience each time. From what I know about counselling and my own experience, there are some common factors though. The first session will be an introductory one where your counsellor will lay out her/his procedure, and cover things like confidentiality and safety (a marriage counsellor will be meeting all sorts, so it's important that they lay out rules of behaviour within the sessions, as he/she has to feel confident that they wouldn't be in danger).

    In one of my first sessions I was asked the most pertinent question of all - "Do each of you want to stay together and put in the work to do so?". If I had answered that one without the notion that "staying together for the kids" was a good idea, I might have saved myself and my children a number of years in a bad relationship, but that's just me...

    As you will both be attending together (at first, for sure), obviously the counsellor will be asking each of you to describe the problems in your relationship as you each see them. It's very hard to hear your partner telling a complete stranger about where they think you are going wrong, and there is generally (I imagine) one partner who will take more responsibility for their own actions in a relationship and one who will point the finger more. A counsellor will promote listening properly to each other, both in the sessions and at home and will possibly also ask you both to talk about/to each other differently eg. instead of starting a sentence with the accusatory "You always...", starting with "I feel x/y/z when..." instead - subtle differences that may help better communication .

    Marriage counselling is a space to address issues in your relationship with mediation and guidance as to how to communicate better between you. There may be some "homework" on the first day - depends on the counsellor's techniques really. It's really important that you both like the counsellor's attitude. I remember (interestingly) that I liked our first one very much, but my partner didn't and gave up after the first 2 sessions, which of course I resented but in fairness, I didn't like the next one and found him very judgemental, so could see where my partner was coming from then. My advice to you is to be a bit flexible about finding a different counsellor if one of you objects to this one (unless, as in my case, one person persists in not wanting to talk about things/listen/take on board advice....then it's not marriage counselling you'd be after really..)

    Wishing you the very best of luck with it, hope this helps a bit. The counsellor is there to hear both of you out and to offer techniques, not judgement. Hope he/she is nice and you hit a decent one straight away.


  • #3
    Kalimah
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,323 ✭✭✭Kalimah


    I can second the above as similar to my own experience. We only did one session together actually, as it was me with the issues causing the problems! And it was to be honest. I couldn't deal with some of the in-laws who treated me appallingly throughout the years. All worked out in the end though for us so good luck with it!


  • #4
    oswald1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4 ✭oswald1


    Thanks for the replys. i have been married for 29 years, and we have not had a very good relationship from the start. To answer the question do we want to stay together, not if it is a Continuation the last 29 years.

    I was hoping it would help us if we were to seperate to be able to talk to each other, ( we have grown up children)

    At present we have no life together.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    oswald1 wrote: »
    Thanks for the replys. i have been married for 29 years, and we have not had a very good relationship from the start. To answer the question do we want to stay together, not if it is a Continuation the last 29 years.

    I was hoping it would help us if we were to seperate to be able to talk to each other, ( we have grown up children)

    At present we have no life together.

    In that case oswald, you appear to be heading in the right direction to try and improve your communication. Since you have grown up children, this will mostly be about YOUR relationship I imagine, so that's a bonus that no small children are involved. Also, if you are already separated, hopefully things between you will improve and maybe the worst that could happen is that this separated situation stays the same. In my experience, after a difficult session when each might need to have the head space to think, that's nigh on impossible when you're going home together to your small children...

    Well done for wanting to keep trying after so long a relationship. I wish you both the best of hope.


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