Parents and Finances

Hold the Cheez Whiz

What should be your financial obligation to your parents as they get older - or should there be any at all?

I'm curious about how others view this - I have one friend whose mother has nothing saved for retirement and who barely works, and another whose mother in law calls her and her husband at least every 8-10 months with a request for anywhere from $2000-3000 (broken down car, unpaid taxes, etc). Both of my friends have tried to get their mothers to talk to a financial advisor, make a budget, etc., but they always refuse to do so. At what point do you put your foot down - if ever - when a profligate parent can't seem to manage their own finances?

cloud493

Can't say I'd just be handing over large amounts of cash every few months, there'd be have to be a cut off point.

0byme75341jo28

I don't think I'd ever not look after my parents, as long as they were genuine.

No money saved for retirement? I couldn't change that fact, I'd just have to find some way of looking after them.

Looking for 2000$-3000$ regularly? I'd tell them to cop on or whatever, but I don't think I'd ever really stop helping them out unless it was getting absolute ridiculous, and even then I'd probably give them some small bit to help.

Hold the Cheez Whiz

Journey Spoiled Vender wrote: »

I don't think I'd ever not look after my parents, as long as they were genuine.

No money saved for retirement? I couldn't change that fact, I'd just have to find some way of looking after them.

Looking for 2000$-3000$ regularly? I'd tell them to cop on or whatever, but I don't think I'd ever really stop helping them out unless it was getting absolute ridiculous, and even then I'd probably give them some small bit to help.

Yeah, if the OH and I had to deal with this situation, then the MIL would have to move in with us because we just don't have the extra money. But that brings its own set of issues. While I've seen this work with some people because the parent provides child care (which is quite expensive) and can help with grocery runs, etc., it can also put a HUGE strain on a marriage. Not sure I would want to sacrifice my relationship with my spouse because their parent can't manage their finances.

fleet_admiral

Talk about gratitude. Your parents may have broke themselves to keep food in your tummy, clothes on your back and a roof over your head. As they get older its the least the deserve that their children look after them in the same way they looked after their children when they were unable

cloud493

Sure if they had saved nothing, cos they'd been busy or hadn't been able to save, course I would look after them. If they were constantly coming to me asking for that much money, unless it was desperate, or a standing payment for something like rent or whatever, then no.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

It all very much depends on the individual circumstances and means. My own parents had very little and I had no hesitation of supporting them when I was finally able to. This including paying nursing hone charges for them for several years and cover their home repairs etc before that. They got me to where I was in life and I owed them more than I could ever measure or repay.
In my own case, now a grandparent, I find it is quite the opposite and I seem to be subbing my kids and grandkids rather than they me.

0byme75341jo28

fleet_admiral wrote: »

Talk about gratitude. Your parents may have broke themselves to keep food in your tummy, clothes on your back and a roof over your head. As they get older its the least the deserve that their children look after them in the same way they looked after their children when they were unable

Yeah, that's an important part as well.

My parents tried their best, we were always well looked after and they were very supportive. If they treated me badly as a kid my outlook could be completely different though.

Lenin Skynard

Wouldn't refuse them anything at all, even if I had to live off bread and water for the rest of my life.

The Strawman Argument

Hold the Cheez Whiz wrote: »

Both of my friends have tried to get their mothers to talk to a financial advisor, make a budget, etc., but they always refuse to do so.

Is paying their bills directly instead of giving them lumps of money a possibility? That way they'd get to see exactly where it's all going. The sudden lack of freedom on the mam's side might make her a bit more willing to budget effectively too.

I know a lot of older people back home who are in rented accommodation seem to get a bit shafted by their landlords, paying way more than they should be due to the fact that it's where they're used to living. A few tidbits like that could build up, things like buying groceries from the nearby shop on the corner instead of popping into Tesco/Aldi/etc.

0byme75341jo28

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

Is paying their bills directly instead of giving them lumps of money a possibility? That way they'd get to see exactly where it's all going. The sudden lack of freedom on the mam's side might make her a bit more willing to budget effectively too.

I know a lot of older people back home who are in rented accommodation seem to get a bit shafted by their landlords, paying way more than they should be due to the fact that it's where they're used to living. A few tidbits like that could build up, things like buying groceries from the nearby shop on the corner instead of popping into Tesco/Aldi/etc.

Old people are often taken advantage of by landlords/utility companies. Eircom were nothing short of robbing my grandmother for years and she didn't even realise it.

Beaner1

fleet_admiral wrote: »

Talk about gratitude. Your parents may have broke themselves to keep food in your tummy, clothes on your back and a roof over your head. As they get older its the least the deserve that their children look after them in the same way they looked after their children when they were unable

Which they were obliged to do. None of us asked to be born, that was their decision.

Shakespeare's Sister

Parents are supposed to feed and clothe their children in fairness! I would help my parents out financially of course though - because they're my parents and I love them, and they did make sacrifices for me.

Beaner1

A child owes its parents nothing bar having the best life possible for themselves. That's all any parent wants.
I can't imagine giving parents any money as they really should have their **** together at that stage in their lives.

thomur

I do the best I can. My parents took care of me for the first 18 years of my life and now its my turn to do the same for them. Its called payback.

Shakespeare's Sister

Beaner1 wrote: »

A child owes its parents nothing bar having the best life possible for themselves. That's all any parent wants.
I can't imagine giving parents any money as they really should have their **** together at that stage in their lives.

But who knows what could be around the corner financially.

Beaner1

Shakespeare's Sister wrote: »

But who knows what could be around the corner financially.

Exactly, so never risk your own financial security bailing out someone else.

Hold the Cheez Whiz

fleet_admiral wrote: »

Talk about gratitude. Your parents may have broke themselves to keep food in your tummy, clothes on your back and a roof over your head. As they get older its the least the deserve that their children look after them in the same way they looked after their children when they were unable

But it the 'able' part that is the sticking point. Joblessness and disability are one thing. But I'm sympathetic to the resentment that comes from parents treating children as an unlimited checkbook, particularly when the parent can or does work full time and refuses to discuss money or budgeting. It is even more difficult when balancing a parent's demands with the demands of children: at the point when one's obligation to parents interferes with obligations to children, there is a real problem.

0byme75341jo28

Beaner1 wrote: »

A child owes its parents nothing bar having the best life possible for themselves. That's all any parent wants.
I can't imagine giving parents any money as they really should have their **** together at that stage in their lives.

They should, but what if they don't? It's grand to say that but oftentimes you can't change the fact that they're in financial trouble. There's no point saying they shouldn't need your help if they do, that won't solve the problem at all.

Beaner1

Journey Spoiled Vender wrote: »

They should, but what if they don't? It's grand to say that but oftentimes you can't change the fact that they're in financial trouble. There's no point saying they shouldn't need your help if they do, that won't solve the problem at all.

I'd emotionally blackmail them so they never asked again. "I need 2K...". So, you want to take savings money away from your grandchildren? Money that they are to use to better themselves?

Hold the Cheez Whiz

Journey Spoiled Vender wrote: »

They should, but what if they don't? It's grand to say that but oftentimes you can't change the fact that they're in financial trouble. There's no point saying they shouldn't need your help if they do, that won't solve the problem at all.

Well I kind of understand why people might need help - IIRC, most workers who lose their jobs that are 54 years old or more never work full time again. Employers don't want to hire older workers, but a 54 year old is still too young to qualify for state pension benefits. Even if you saved for a rainy day, a decade of unplanned joblessness is going to damage anyone's nest egg.

That said, I still think that there is a fundamental difference between a parent who needs help because of illness or extreme economic circumstance and a parent who wants help, no questions asked, because they think it is their child's filial duty.

Hold the Cheez Whiz

Lenin Skynard wrote: »

Wouldn't refuse them anything at all, even if I had to live off bread and water for the rest of my life.

Do you have kids? What about them?

TheSheriff

My parents put me through college , for 23 years they kept a roof over my head, food on the plate and all the books/etc I needed to get a degree and a good job.

Because of them (particularly my mothers encouragement) I am completely self sufficient at the age of 24, affording to live in Dublin and go onto further education. I owe everything I have to them.

I dont think I would hesitate to give them any amount of money they asked me for (although I know they never would ask).

The best I can do now is treat mammy to a nice dinner out whenever I am back in Cork (although she always trys to pay) - I know she appreciates the little treats!

Neyite

Beaner1 wrote: »

A child owes its parents nothing bar having the best life possible for themselves. That's all any parent wants.
I can't imagine giving parents any money as they really should have their **** together at that stage in their lives.

I hope your parents are millionaires. And that they leave every penny to a donkey sanctuary.

Sand

thomur wrote: »

I do the best I can. My parents took care of me for the first 18 years of my life and now its my turn to do the same for them. Its called payback.

Would you prioritise your parents over your own kids?

F1ngers

Hold the Cheez Whiz wrote: »

What should be your financial obligation to your parents as they get older - or should there be any at all?

You are under no obligation to your parents at all.
If they can't plan for their future, why should you look after them?

Aidric

I wouldn't hesitate to support my parents financially but thankfully they were fiscally responsible. Think the OP is on a pisstake tbh.

Hold the Cheez Whiz

Aidric wrote: »

I wouldn't hesitate to support my parents financially but thankfully they were fiscally responsible. Think the OP is on a pisstake tbh.

Sadly, it is not. But TBH, in my own family, I see the opposite: a lot of my cousins driving their parents to the poorhouse - they always need money to fix the roof or the furnace, but their kids all have iPads and they drive expensive cars. And their mom always shells out a few thousand, despite the fact that she is retired because she doesn't want her grandkids living in a house with a leaky roof or no heat...and all this as her house is falling apart around her.

Certainly with the recession of the last few years, there are a lot of people in their 20s and 30s who are, to their horror, again dependent on their parents. But again, I think this is where circumstances versus behavior come into play.

Hold the Cheez Whiz

fleet_admiral wrote: »

Talk about gratitude. Your parents may have broke themselves to keep food in your tummy, clothes on your back and a roof over your head. As they get older its the least the deserve that their children look after them in the same way they looked after their children when they were unable

The more I think about this, the more it bothers me. How is it ingratitude to resent parents who behave irresponsibly with money - especially if you are shelling out hundreds a month to raise your own kids? Frankly I see some of my friends parents and think that they are being incredibly selfish, particularly when it comes to moms and sons. Putting your son in a position to have to 'choose' financially between his mother and his wife and children is unconscionable.

Sunhill

Beaner1 wrote: »

A child owes its parents nothing bar having the best life possible for themselves. That's all any parent wants.
I can't imagine giving parents any money as they really should have their **** together at that stage in their lives.

I'd guess you were a spoiled child. They're the ones who show the least gratitude and cause the most hurt to their parents in later life.

Tail Docker

Don't make me laugh. This generation are all big kids, they'll be leeching off us parents till the day they drop. Support me?? Jog on. I'll support me. I'd be happy if they could support themselves.

Beaner1

Sunhill wrote: »

I'd guess you were a spoiled child. They're the ones who show the least gratitude and cause the most hurt to their parents in later life.

They did what they had to do as parents. I will reciprocate by giving my children the best start possible. That's how it works. All that any parent asks in return is that they make the most of their life.

B.A._Baracus

Hold the Cheez Whiz wrote: »

What should be your financial obligation to your parents as they get older - or should there be any at all?

I'm curious about how others view this - I have one friend whose mother has nothing saved for retirement and who barely works, and another whose mother in law calls her and her husband at least every 8-10 months with a request for anywhere from $2000-3000 (broken down car, unpaid taxes, etc). Both of my friends have tried to get their mothers to talk to a financial advisor, make a budget, etc., but they always refuse to do so. At what point do you put your foot down - if ever - when a profligate parent can't seem to manage their own finances?

Let me play a game of Sherlock Holmes for a moment :pac:
You seem to be invested enough to post a thread wanting other peoples opinions but yet, post no opinion about your 'own parents' or how you would help or not help them.
These friends who have a "mother" and "mother in law" is actually you right?

Pull the other one :pac:

lulu1

Elena Limited Slob wrote: »

It all very much depends on the individual circumstances and means. My own parents had very little and I had no hesitation of supporting them when I was finally able to. This including paying nursing hone charges for them for several years and cover their home repairs etc before that. They got me to where I was in life and I owed them more than I could ever measure or repay.
In my own case, now a grandparent, I find it is quite the opposite and I seem to be subbing my kids and grandkids rather than they me.

I hear the very same from my sister who has seven children all married. She says she is constantly handing out to one or other of them, not because they dont budget but because because of work morgage ect there is always one that is getting it tight

Hold the Cheez Whiz

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Let me play a game of Sherlock Holmes for a moment :pac:
You seem to be invested enough to post a thread wanting other peoples opinions but yet, post no opinion about your 'own parents' or how you would help or not help them.
These friends who have a "mother" and "mother in law" is actually you right?

Pull the other one :pac:

Um, I did this in post #3. Thanks for accusing me of trolling, though.

B.A._Baracus

Hold the Cheez Whiz wrote: »

Um, I did this in post #3. Thanks for accusing me of trolling, though.

Not saying you are trolling :pac: Just don't believe you :P

Pwindedd

This would depend on the particular parents involved. For mine to come to me and ask for money means that they are fecking desperate. They just wouldn't. And I'd move mountains to help them if I could. It's the very least I could do after all they have done for me. A parent however who expects to be bailed out because they cannot live within their means needs help of a non financial nature.

Sweet Rose

Lenin Skynard wrote: »

Wouldn't refuse them anything at all, even if I had to live off bread and water for the rest of my life.

Your parents raised you well

--LOS--

I was gona say that my parents could just DIAF if they expect any support from me, realistically I'm too much of an idiot that I probably would give them money if I was able to and they needed it. I do worry about being burdened with their health problems though as they get older and being expected to look after them (not talking about finances)

indigo twist

I certainly would if I could and if it were ever necessary - however, my parents are financially secure and have had their mortgage paid off for years, whereas I live month-to-month and have huge rent and creche fees. I have a sensible wealthy child-free sister, so if it ever came to it, I imagine she'd be the one they'd hit up for a loan! I'm sure she'd be happy to give it. Can't see it ever happening really though. If I win the lotto someday, my parents would definitely get a decent chunk of it! They've done a lot for me over the years.

Gran Hermano

The family who conduct bank robberies together tend to stay together.

Galwayguy35

Anyone who comes asking their offspring for a couple of thousand every few months must be very clueless as regards money, and I would think such people are very few and far between.

Electric Sheep

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

Is paying their bills directly instead of giving them lumps of money a possibility? That way they'd get to see exactly where it's all going. The sudden lack of freedom on the mam's side might make her a bit more willing to budget effectively too.

I know a lot of older people back home who are in rented accommodation seem to get a bit shafted by their landlords, paying way more than they should be due to the fact that it's where they're used to living. A few tidbits like that could build up, things like buying groceries from the nearby shop on the corner instead of popping into Tesco/Aldi/etc.

Usually it's going directly to another sibling who is a complete waster.

Miss Lizzie Jones

Beaner1 wrote: »

Which they were obliged to do. None of us asked to be born, that was their decision.

Your parents never asked to be born either.

KCC

What this comes down to is whether or not your friends are being taken advantage of - sounds like they are definitely being taken for a ride. Their parents might have an impression (rightly or wrongly) that they are loaded.

I would give my parents anything I could but they'd rather starve than ask or even accept anything from me. In turn, I've never asked them for a cent since I graduated and only asked for minimal support when studying. I'd also never ask anything from my children - it's the opposite - I want to ensure that I am saving and leaving enough for them. Parents relying on children for money is a dysfunctional situation unless they are very elderly and need full time care.

iguana

I'd give my parents anything they needed but not everything they wanted if they were taking the piss. Not that my parents would, but I do know of a couple who were constantly being tapped to buy luxuries for his mother even though the mother had a higher income than them and very few necessary outgoings, while they had 1 low salary with which to pay their mortgage and raise their 3 children. They rarely had money for luxuries for them or their kids and were always having to hand over money for part of a new suite of furniture for his mother when she replaced her 5 year old one, or money to pay for her to have a foreign holiday. All the while they were scrimping to afford the petrol to take their kids for a day out at the nearest beach and covering their ancient sofa that they'd bought secondhand when they first married with a pair of curtains bought on sale. They never begrudged spending time with the mother, they visited her twice a week, would take her shopping and to doctors appointments as she needed help understanding the doctor's instructions. They would do lots of diy and gardening for her and were more than happy to. But the expectation to pay money they didn't have to someone who had more than them but couldn't be bothered to budget and meant that their own children did without, was something that they resented.

My parents gave me life, and if they had a leaky roof they couldn't afford to fix or some bill they couldn't meet, then damn right I'd pay for repairs or whatever. No question.

It's not because I owe them, it's because I love them.

Greenmachine

I think my own financial position at the time would have a large impact. I have helped my mother out substantial when I had the funds. Would no longer be in a position to help her financially, but hopefully sibling would be able to do their part.