Someone who never says Sorry?

LegacyUser

I have someone in my life who never apologises.
They are an alcoholic and also addicted to cannabis.
They are aware of this and don't deny that fact.
They say they will change but never really do. I enable this by constantly forgiving. I am aware of this now.
It's your typical alcoholic - enabler roundabout, but that is not what I am asking advice about for now, but maybe this information is relevant so I thought I'd add it.

What I want to know is why they never apologise for anything serious.
They will do regular everyday apologies like if they bump into me, or forget to do something, or drop something, and say oh I'm sorry.

Over the years there have been a number of incidents.
When drunk, this person has roared at me, smashed my belongings, and been caught out on several lies.
They owe me probably a few thousand at this stage if I added it all up, I've gotten loans for them that they never paid me back for. When I'm stuck for money for bills they have gone and spent the last cent of their money on drink and weed, not giving a toss how I am left and not giving a toss about how upset or angry I get.
They pay for absolutely nothing in life themself apart from booze and weed, and I know I am responsible for allowing this to continue.

Recent incidents include, one evening this person was drunk and begged and begged me for just a fiver. After begging at me consistently, I finally relented and gave him a fiver. I knew he would just get two or three cans from this and then go to sleep because he was already hammered. He was all happy and full of thanks for the fiver.

Shortly afterwards I thought he was gone to the bathroom. I went to another room to grab my charger and caught him red handed in my bag stealing money. To say I was furious is an understatement. I told him empty his pockets and he had another fiver and some 2 euro coins stuffed in there that he had stolen.

At first he was shocked that he was caught and just handed the money straight over to me not saying a word. When I started screaming at him calling him a thief and asking how could he steal from me after me just handing him money a few minutes previously, and the fact that I give and do so much for him already, he just completely flipped!

Started to try and turn everything on me calling me a sneaky person for sneaking up on him, that I must have deliberately being creeping around the house to catch him stealing. Then started to accuse me of stealing 20 euro on him from his pocket that he had "seen" me. I boiling with rage at this point, screamed how or why would I ever steal anything from you. You never have your own fcuking money, because you take mine! I asked him when this imaginary thing happened and he plucked out of the air 3 days ago as his answer, when he had not even got paid that week and had been penniless 3 days ago. Even when I argued this he kept to his make believe story.

He basically sprouted complete and utter bull**** in order to try and deflect the fact that he had just been caught stealing, and it was pathetic to witness.
Then he started demanding the original fiver I had lent back. I obviously refused, and he got so angry. He kept on and on and on, until I said fine just take the fiver you fcuking scumbag and get the fcuk away from me.

I couldn't believe he what he did next. He took the fiver, took out his lighter and just burnt it right infront of my eyes. He said he was making a "point" and then said give me the rest of the money!!! I kept refusing to give him the rest of my money, and he kept saying in this calm voice, I'm giving you a chance, just give me the money. I'm going to lose control just give me the money. Whilst saying this he kept slowly picking up and placing down an empty pint glass that was near me. It got to a point where he just grabbed my bag, I held on to it and we were basically wrestling over the bag, I wasn't letting go but when I saw his other hand move in the direction of the empty glass I just let go.

Something in my head told me he was going to smash that in my face if I didn't let go. He took the money and left. I spent the next few hours crying and shaking at what had just happened.

Another recent night I happened to be drunk myself as we were both out. He was arguing with me all night over stupid things. Later on in the night we were arguing and the previous stealing incident came up. He said oh you would have to bring that up, and then denied that he had been acting threatening with the glass. The argument escalated with me saying I want him out of my life and then he got right up in my face saying horrible insults about me and one of my family. I'm sorry to say but I snapped and slapped him once in the face with an open hand. In all these years I had not done that before and know violence is never acceptable.

He didn't hit me back thankfully, but he opened the door and flung me outside telling me to fcuk of home. This caused me a bad injury on landing, and I had to go to casualty.
All he said at the time was maybe you shouldn't have slapped me so hard. He has gone around telling everyone that I started "slapping the head" of him and that he just pushed me away and that this is how the injury occurred. More lies to make himself less culpable. One of his close friends has told me that he is seriously unimpressed with him right now. I did admit that I slapped him once first and that he hadn't actually meant to cause such injury when he had put me out the door, but He said it's your own choice what you do, but basically it came across that he was disgusted by him and what had happened.

When he is sober this person is a completely different person. He is kind, generous, affectionate, funny, very intelligent, and extremely chilled out and laid back. He is very popular and well liked by most. He just turns into a monster when too drunk.

One massive concern I have though is that despite how nice he is when sober, despite when we always eventually make up and are getting along, that even when he is in a sober nice phase, he never, EVER apologises for any of the bad things he has done.
If you try to bring up the topic of an argument when he's sober he just gets very agitated and won't talk or changes the subject.
But never once will he apologise.

He gets so angry and annoyed at other people sometimes for things he does himself. Like if he was owed a days pay and had to wait even just 1 day extra, or if a friend owed him even just a tenner but hadn't paid it back, he will be completely furious completely ignoring the fact that he owes me so much but never pays me back a cent.

Or when his brother spends his partners money on drink and she gets upset, he gets so angry with his brother and thinks of him as a complete waster but he is EXACTLY the same himself. I tell him this but he hates to hear it and denies that he is anything alike.

A few years ago, for a brief period of time I actually started considering that maybe he has some type of disorder like narcissism or psychopathy because of his apparent lack of remorse for things he did, and how he would think how dare people do anything that annoys him even though he does the same things all the time himself.

I quickly dismissed these thoughts though because I know there is a good person there too. He is good with kids and amazing with all types of animals and insects. You can see the genuine love he has for animals in his eyes and he is so happy around them. I think he prefers them to most humans. He does so many thoughtful and considerate things for me too. Most of the time he would do anything that he thinks will make me happy or put a smile on my face. We are so close and have great conversations and share the same great sense of humour. He has been there to help and support me through very tough times. He always speaks highly of me to his friends and family, and always has my back.
I've seen him break down on more than one occasion and cry. So I know he does have emotions.

I just can't understand why he never says sorry to me. Is it because it would mean having to REALLY acknowledge and face the horrible actions he does? Or is it because he's not sorry at all? I would hate to think it's the latter but can alcoholism change a persons brain to make people lack any remorse? I knew another family member alcoholic who would be sick with guilt and remorse after drink binges, but he never says sorry.

WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

I think it's probably lucky for you that he doesn't apologise, because by the sounds of it, if he did you'd forgive and keep facilitating him. At least his lack of apology is giving you some cause for thought, though I don't think you're taking that thought far enough and realising this is a more serious issue than a couple of quid and a failure to say sorry - the relationship is toxic, violent on both sides, founded on addiction and co-facilitation, and neither of you seem to be taking steps to change that.

I suspect he doesn't aplogise because that would be a step towards admitting he has a problem, so not aplogising is shoring up the denial, holding back the flood of realisation. Don't hold your breath for that apology, the relationship may not live that long and that might be a good thing for both of you.

kylith

I'm assuming that this man is your partner. It is a toxic and relationship. Please move out and get away from this man as the situation is unlikely to get any better. He may have a form of narcissism, but that is secondary to his alcoholism, theft, and bullying. Get as far away from him as you can and look after yourself.

bee06

Why would he bother saying sorry. He doesn't need to ask your forgiveness because he knows whatever he does you will forgive him anyway. He's treating you like sh*t and you let him get away with it every time. You need to end the cycle because I seriously doubt he will.

LegacyUser

hey op, think the question here is not why does he never apologise, but why do you keep him in your life? if you keep somebody in your life that bullies and threatens you like this then you can hardly expect him to respect you enough to apologise, as you don't respect yourself enough to walk away from someone who treats you this way.

December2012

Why??? wrote: »

They are an alcoholic and also addicted to cannabis.

What I want to know is why they never apologise for anything serious.

But never once will he apologise.

WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!

You've answered your question with your first few lines.

He is an alcoholic and a substance abuser.

He behaves in a way that he acts as if he has nothing to apologise for.

His behaviour is deplorable. It will not change until he changes, and there's no point in you trying to get him to change.

I agree that the bigger question for you is this - are you happy to put up with this?

IlmoNT4

Why do you want to be with this person? The relationship sounds just awful.

Nothing that you have described is healthy, you are in an abusive and toxic relationship. To summarize:

1. Your partner is dependent on alcohol and cannabis.
2. He steals from you
3. He physically assaulted you by man handling you, you physically assault him.
4. He has made you feel afraid
5. He verbally abuses you.

You need to put yourself first OP and put as much distance between you and this person. You cant help him and if you stay, he will make your life miserable. Is this the relationship you want for you and any future children you might have? Of course not... walk, as fast as you can.

piperh

I can understand you making allowances, I lived with a binge alcoholic and when he was sober I was treated like a princess but 1 drink was never enough and it didn't matter where the money came from.

We went through rehab and detox so many times I lost count. Unfortunately alcoholism does make a person selfish and mean tongued and there is nothing you can do to change them.

You really only have 2 choices and if at any point children come into the equation then only 1. If you were my friend I'd say get out now before you find yourself in a situation with him you can't get out of, you get hurt or even end up joining in his drinking annd ending up on the same path.

jopax

I agree 100℅ with the other posts.
When I was reading your post all I could think was, what are you doing with him.

I think you have issues yourself that you need to face up to and deal with before you could even think about figuring him out.

Maybe put your time and energy into sorting yourself out. It is not healthy to be in this relationship, you are playing your part in this too.

Would you consider getting counseling to help you to make a better life for yourself.
You deserve better!

Merkin

Any alcoholics I've known are the most selfish people imaginable. He doesn't apologise because nobody else features enough on his myopic radar to warrant any kind of consideration, his main preoccupation is where his next drink will come from.

I think you should a. Leave the relationship as a matter of urgency and b. Attend some counselling. The fact that you've described a violent, toxic, codependent and frankly vile relationship and have then gone on to describe his love for animals and wonderful sense of humour makes me suspect that you see the relationship as normal to some extent.

Extricate yourself now before he ruins your life, you're not going to change him.

Rubberchikken

tbh this reationship sounds bad.
rather than waiting around for an apology from someone who doesn't seem interested in being a decent person, wouldn't you prefer to get on with living your life?

ABajaninCork

Why are you looking for an apology? It's not going to happen! Instead I'd be asking him when he's coming for his gear (Belongings!!) - Cos if you have an ounce of sense, you'll have had packed it up and left it out on the step for him to collect.

And stop making excuses for him. You can't fix him, and there's no point in even trying since he cannot even acknowledge he has a problem.

Big Bag of Chips

I'll be perfectly honest, I didn't read your full post because the more I read, the worse it got, and I could not understand why your main problem with him is that he doesn't apologise?!

If he said sorry, even once, would that make everything else ok? Or somehow better?

ETA: I think you should look up Al-Anon. It's a group for people who are living with an alcoholic in their lives. You might find you are not the only one who never hears that magic word.

LegacyUser

OP, for 2 years I was in a relationship with a man just like this. He was a cannabis addict who bullied and hit me and trashed my stuff, once he even very violently raped me, leaving me with permanent physical damage. GET OUT NOW. He is NEVER going to end this cycle, and he is never going to change. The only person who can end this is YOU and the only way you can do this is by getting out, walking away and never looking back. Cut off all contact with him and if he continues to contact you, call the police and report everything he's done. He's already violently assaulted you, leaving you needing hospital treatment. Please believe me when I say that these situations never improve, they always get worse. Cut your losses and leave NOW. It doesn't matter how nice he is when he's sober (although I think you're deluded about how nice he's being as he won't apologise or acknowledge what he's done even then) what matters is what someone is like at their worst and at his worst he is DANGEROUS. Many women in situations like this end up killed by their partners eventually. I know that when you are in a situation like this you actually can't even see for yourself how bad it is, but once you've left you'll wonder how you ever put up with this.

LegacyUser

Sorry for the delay in responding.

Thank you for all taking the time to reply.

I'm aware this relationship needs to end. We don't want kids and I will never want nor have kids. We're 11 years together and it wasn't always like this. In about the last 4 years or so he has just changed so much when he's drunk. But I can't say that he is all bad, the person I fell in love with is still there when sober. Unfortunately I know this is not good enough. He has told me that he can't control his anger, not as an excuse for his behavior, this was before he even did any of the above stupid things.
He said he has had anger issues since he was a teenager and that he used to find that weed was the only thing that kept him calm and controlled but that it doesn't seem to work as well anymore.

I know I look so stupid for staying for so long but I really believed I could change him back to what he was and make him better again. I think the main reason I felt this way is because I grew up with an alcoholic parent. When everyone else gave up on her by the time I was an adult, I stuck by her for years always encouraging her and believing in her and it payed off. She went to a treatment center and found sobriety again. We were so close. I know though that she must have really wanted to change for herself.
I also know my partner wants to change, he is so miserable sometimes over his own drinking but seems completely unable to change. That is why I have been stupid enough to stay. I know he wanted help and to change and I thought I could do that like I did with my mother.
But I have tried a million things to help and no matter what I do nothing works or only works for a short while.

If I leave him he will either sink or swim. It might be the kick he needs to finally get help, but my biggest fear is that it will be the thing that makes him worse. I could easily picture him ending up homeless and increasing drinking to everyday. I can't describe in words the hear wrenching agony I feel when I think of that scenario.
I know that is a risk I'm going to have to eventually make but after 11 years it's something I'm going to need some help and guidance in doing and taking the right steps in getting there.

I am going to start to go to Al Anon meetings. I probably should have being going to these my whole life, but I suppose it's better late than never. I am hoping they might help me build the strength I need to make that final break.

The reason I was asking why he won't apologise is because I was hoping from some first hand experience from recovering alcoholic or drug addicts who might know whether this was normal behavior or not, to not apologise? Did they do similar themselves but were they really sorry underneath things at the time, and what where there reasons for hiding saying sorry in the past?

It's not that I think him saying sorry would make everything better. I know it wouldn't. It probably is selfish, but I think I want to know that he is sorry because it would make me feel less bad about having spent so many years trying to help him. Trying to help someone who was genuinely guilty and wanted to change is something I can live with myself over and forgive myself for. If I felt though that I had spent so many tears trying to help someone who felt no remorse and was laughing at me the whole time, then I would feel even stupider and find that fact harder to live with.
I think and hope with my partner though that it is a case of him just trying to avoid facing things head on. I can see guilt and sadness in his face and he tries to make things up in some actions but won't ever actually say sorry or talk about things. He will say things like I feel bad enough as it is or stop trying to make me feel even worse in an agitated way if we try to talk but never says sorry.


I know what I need to do but it breaks my heart. I will go to Al-anon meetings.

You can close this thread now if you like moderators.
Thanks for your help everyone.

Big Bag of Chips

Why???, it is so sad reading your posts. To be honest, whether or not he says sorry is irrelevant. Sorry is just a word. He could say it and not mean it if he thought it would keep you happy. It's actions that prove whether or not someone cares enough about you to consider you. You say you know he wants to change. How do you know? Has he said it? Has he tried? Has he gone to the GP about resources available to him to help him change? Has he gone to AA meetings or support groups for cannabis addiction? Has he actually made any real steps to sorting himself out, or does he just say he wants to?

Again - words are easy. Actions less so. So him telling you he wants to change, and doing nothing to actually change would be the exact same has him saying sorry but continuing to do the same things over and over. Would that not make you feel like more of a fool? That he says sorry but keeps doing it anyway? Lying to your face and not caring how that would make you feel?

You stuck with your mam, maybe because you had no choice. And she eventually sorted herself out. Maybe you were the driving force in her getting sorted, or maybe the time had just come and she realised she needed to do it herself. But you seem to think that you helped "fix" her - so you can help "fix" him. Your life doesn't have to be dedicated to nursing the lame duck back to full health. Where is your life? Where are your fun and carefree times? Your entire life from childhood to now seems to be as a carer to others... who's caring for you?

I feel very very sad for you. And I hope Al-Anon can give you some support and help. As you say, you probably should have been going there all along! Good luck to you. You deserve a bit of happiness.

Edit: Sorry OP, I had replied before I saw your last line about closing the thread. I will close it now for you. If you would like it reopened at any time you can contact any of the PI Mods in confidence using the PM facility.