Getting over my baby's father

deirdre6

I was with my ex fiancé for 3 years and we recently broke up. I'm finding it very difficult when he comes to see our baby. The pregnancy was unplanned. I love him very much. We were very happy but since I got pregnant he wouldnt see things from my perspective, i.e., where we should live as house he was renovating wasnt ready.I never thought I would be a single mother as I would love my daughter to have a father around full time.
There were many issues that led me to be miserable that I won't get into on here.
I'm lonely and I miss him but I have to accept that he's not coming back. He says its up to me to decide where my happiness lies. He's old fashioned, quiet man but a little controlling. He's very much attached to his parents and will listen to them rather than me. He says I'm wrong. I deserve a relationship that each partner has equal say.
He's moved home living with his parents.
I'm due to go back to work next month and the thought of telling colleagues is getting to me!
Has anybody been in this situation? I know time is a healer but I feel like its getting harder rather than easier. Any advice would be v welcome:)

LegacyUser

Obviously it's up to you how much information you want to give and you're entitled to you privacy, but so far all I can make out if that you were together 3 years, engaged, stayed together through an unplannned pregnancy, had a place to live and you were renovating somewhere more suitable or permanent for the three of you, then you weren't happy because he didn't agree with your opinion on what should happen with housing and you split up, so he gave you time and space to decide what you wanted.

If that's all there is so far, I can't see how he's the problem. If there's more to it than that, then I can't see how you can expect constructive, well-founded advice unless you say what's really happened.

blueb

Guessed wrote: »

I can't see how he's the problem. If there's more to it than that, then I can't see how you can expect constructive, well-founded advice unless you say what's really happened.

If she does not want to give info about why she became miserable then she dosent have too.. if theres not info info to give advice then simple do not advise!

Im the father of a small child and myself and my partner are in the middle of a break up.. luckily for us its alot more amicable.
I know how having a child can put a lot of strain on a relationship and completely derail it! Does your childs father want some time away from the relationship or is he done with it ? By any chance has he been put under a lot of pressure and maybe feels its all too much for him and so went back to his parents where he feels safe and comfortable?

<Mod snip - forbidden topic>

Neyite

Mod:

Blueb banned

greengirl31

OP, 7 years ago I was in a very similar situation to you. I had been with my ex for 3 years, we had made loads of plans together – including the one to have a baby. To cut a long story short, I found out 3 weeks before our daughter was born that he was having an affair. He didn’t offer to make amends and even though I was broken hearted, my pride stopped me from asking him to come back (this BTW turned out to be a blessing in disguise).

Anyway, I went off on maternity leave with the bottom having fallen out of my world and so afraid of mine and my baby’s future. I did tell my friends in work what had happened while I was off so I let the rumours and gossip run rife while I was off. I was dreading going back because I could hear all the whispers but I wouldn’t have it said that I was too embarrassed to show my face or that I wouldn’t face the music – again, probably misguided pride! But the truth is that it all dies down after a few days. Most people don’t really care because they have their own stuff going on and that’s not being unkind.

So for your immediate problem about how to face work, I’d put my chin out and shoulders back and have the photos of your little daughter ready to flash at all in sundry. Getting over your EX will not be so easy but it can be done … You’re right, you do deserve to be on an equal footing with your partner and if you’re not you’re storing up trouble for yourself at some point down the line. But maybe this break is for the best.

If anyone had told me 10 years ago that I’d be a single mum to the sweetest little girl and be in a position to put a roof over our heads, I’d have told them they were dreaming but that’s exactly what’s happened and Life is Good:)

deirdre6

Thank you for the replies.
My ex fiancé and I didn't live together until after our baby was born which in itself was going to be difficult. My partner worked long hours during the week and even at the weekends. I would do the shopping and he would ask for receipts before he gave me money. I always had to ask for money. Then he mentioned my weight which after having a baby is very insensitive!
He had his good points,I.e we were very good friends.
I had no say in the renovation of the house. He did it his way to save money. His parents picked out stuff for the house as they gave him money for the work.
I just couldn't go along with it. I wanted my say and build more onto the house and have more space to rear our family.
It's a very difficult situation which I hope will get better:)

December2012

Is the relationship over?

Do you want to get back with him or get over him?

If you want to get back with him, you might both benefit from couples therapy so you can both really listen to each other.

indigo twist

deirdre6 wrote: »

Thank you for the replies.
My ex fiancé and I didn't live together until after our baby was born which in itself was going to be difficult. My partner worked long hours during the week and even at the weekends. I would do the shopping and he would ask for receipts before he gave me money. I always had to ask for money. Then he mentioned my weight which after having a baby is very insensitive!
He had his good points,I.e we were very good friends.
I had no say in the renovation of the house. He did it his way to save money. His parents picked out stuff for the house as they gave him money for the work.
I just couldn't go along with it. I wanted my say and build more onto the house and have more space to rear our family.
It's a very difficult situation which I hope will get better:)

Is there a reason you didn't have any income of your own? How would you have managed to do the shopping if you didn't have him to give you money? In fact, how are you managing financially now that you've broken up - or is he still giving you money? (Fair enough, he should be paying maintenance towards the child - but I find it hard to understand how you were so dependent on him that you needed to ask him for money to do the shopping.)

When you say he mentioned your weight - this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad or insensitive thing, even after a woman has had a baby. It really depends on context - there's a big difference between saying it in a mean spiteful way, and saying it out of concern for your health and wellbeing.

And I really don't see the problem with him renovating the house his way to save money, if it's his money and his parents' money that was being used for the project. You can't really go demanding that he'd build more space onto the house, presumably at much greater cost, unless you're going to contribute financially. Also, I assume it would have taken much longer to finish the work - I'm guessing he just wanted to get the home for the three of you sorted as quickly as possible. And, with a new baby, he sensibly wouldn't have wanted to spend more than was really necessary.

It doesn't sound to me that the relationship is completely unsalvageable - but you need to decide, do you really want to get back with him? If the main positive thing you can say about the relationship is that you were very good friends - maybe the best thing you could do for both of you and for the child is to work towards simply being very good friends with each other, and no more. Also, don't get back with him just for the sake of "keeping up appearances" with colleagues, friends etc. I think you'll find that people will be more understanding and sympathetic than you'd expect.

I think that, if you do actually love him and want a relationship with him, you really need to look at things from his perspective. It sounds to me that you're both being quite stubborn about it, even though the relationship isn't really over as far as either of you are concerned.