Step Daughter

LegacyUser

Hi all

A little advice needed please.

When i met my wife we both had children from previous relationships. My step daughters father wasn't and still isn't in the picture. He doesn't pay any maintenance and we've never gone looking for it.
He seems to think that It's my wife's responsibility to encourage a relationship between himself and his daughter and takes no responsibility for his total lack of pro-activness as a father. Instead my wife might get a text once a year or maybe an abusive phone call in the middle of the night.

Anyway he's not really the problem we face.

When we got together my step daughter had just turned 2. The only memory of her father is that he stood her up at a luas stop a few years ago. ( That was the final straw for us and we haven't encouraged a meet up since).

So i have become her Dad in every way. When she was younger she still had an idea about who her real Dad was and who i was, but when she started school this idea began to fade.
She started to see her peers with their 'NORMAL FAMILIES' Mom, Dad, brother, Sister etc
and consequently one day started to call me Dad.

Now It gets complicated.

My step daughter calls my son her brother and we over heard her calling his sister, her sister. She's missing a piece of the biological puzzle and we feel at 9 she is still a bit young to be given all the facts.
My wife is now pregnant with our first child together and we feel we should tell our daughter the difference between a step father and a biological one.

I suppose I'm asking for suggestions on how to go about this as tactfully as possible, and without revealing all the facts of life.

Thanks for reading.

Taltos

OP - why would you want to draw attention to this?
Seriously?

One of my brothers is adopted. So what! He is still my brother, I don't consider or call him my "adopted brother".

Think long and hard about the effect of you trying to teach her here. It sounds like you have a great integrated family - why try to spoil it. At the end of the day she is 9, as she gets older these things will crop up naturally - from her as she gets curious but to force it just seems more than wrong to me.

pickarooney

The biological facts (and at nine I think she's well old enough to understand them) are really not that important. If the day to day relationship between the children is that of siblings then there's no need to enforce the use of step- or half- or any of the rest of it.
They are brothers and sisters in every way that really matters and long may it continue.

reprazant

If you are a family then the brother and sister are her brother and sister or am I missing something? Maybe not in biological terms, but as a family unit, as far as she is concerned, she is in, as you say, a 'NORMAL FAMILY'

LegacyUser

It's not so much the step daughter/ daughter aspect but more so that we are worried that she may some how resent us for never being clear on who i was exactly and for allowing the lines to become blurred. Of course nobody is suggesting calling anyone step daughter but
who knows how she may feel about having a relationship with her father in the future. And maybe it would be better to have at least a little bit more information to help her with these decisions.

I don't know, I'm so confused. I love her like my own and am so scared of our relationship changing.

LegacyUser

reprazant wrote: »

If you are a family then the brother and sister are her brother and sister or am I missing something? Maybe not in biological terms, but as a family unit, as far as she is concerned, she is in, as you say, a 'NORMAL FAMILY'

Sorry yes I was a little unclear. My son doesn't live with us he lives with his mother and her new husband and they now have a new daughter. The new daughter is who my daughter was calling sister.

Confusing enough?

LegacyUser

reprazant wrote: »

If you are a family then the brother and sister are her brother and sister or am I missing something? Maybe not in biological terms, but as a family unit, as far as she is concerned, she is in, as you say, a 'NORMAL FAMILY'

+ 1 OP I can understand maybe some issues over the whole dad thing when she was younger and your relationship with her mother was new but you've been a family a long time, you're having another child so you are a family. You are her father, even if her biological father comes back into the picture, her relationship with him and her relationship with you are two totally different aspects of fatherhood.

I don't understand your issue with her calling your son and daughter her brother and sister. They are, maybe not biologically but in ever sense of the word they are siblings so why do you feel the need to correct her? I've cousins who are adopted and no one in our family has looked at them as any different to anyone else. I've friends who are adopted and their siblings are as much their siblings as my biological ones are mine. I've two cousins whose parents split when they were older teens and both parents remarried people with children and they refer to these people as there siblings. They are well old enough to understand they are not biologically related but they feel like siblings and at the end of the day thats all that matters. Why get so hung up on labels?

A family is whatever make up you want or need it to be, this idea of 'normal' is a movie make believe.

Bobsammy

I think the OP is saying that the child is calling her stepbrother's half sister (I'm guessing on his mother's side) her own sister.
Would that be right?

indigo twist

You say you have become her dad in every way - those were your words - so why on earth have you any problem with her referring to your children as her siblings.

You're in a very lucky position that things seem to be working out so well with your combined family - I've no idea why you'd want to draw her attention to the fact that she's not your biological child. And I can't think of a worse time to do so than this - when a new baby is on the way.

Answer her questions when she has them in the future, but for now, leave well enough alone.

Riskymove

unreg010 wrote: »

Now It gets complicated.

My step daughter calls my son her brother and we over heard her calling his sister, her sister. She's missing a piece of the biological puzzle and we feel at 9 she is still a bit young to be given all the facts.
My wife is now pregnant with our first child together and we feel we should tell our daughter the difference between a step father and a biological one.

OP

I understand that you think it is right and proper for your step-daughter to understand that she has a biological father and that your children are her half-siublings and so on. The truth is usally the best policy. Whether she is old enough to understand all this yet I can't say.

I take it your kids do not live with you?

I do wonder what your approach is to be with your new child? Will you insist he or she is NOT her sibling either and tell her not to use brother or sister?

Jamaican Me Crazy

What you need to clarify for her is that your sons sister is not her sister, just explain that you are not that childs dad and keep it simple.

I wouldn't mess with what you have here. You clearly love this little girl and she sees you as her dad. When she is older I am sure she will want to know more about the family make up but she will understand it a bit better when she is older.

I have a half-sister and in a million years I would never refer to her as that and my 2 sons have different dads and they always refer to each other as their brother. Even my younger son is very accepting that X is his brother but they have different dads. That's modern families for ya

LegacyUser

Sorry i want to be clear.I have no intention of calling anybody step daughter/ brother/dad.
I'm just worried that she's so mixed up about who's who and I'm just worried how she may react when she finds out I'm not her biological father.

We do refer to my son as her brother and of course her new sibling will be her brother/sister. (she doesn't know yet, and will be so made up when we tell her) It's always been difficult for her that her brother doesn't live with us, and also her bio father has a son by another woman but she doesn't see him at all.

pc7

I'm in my 30s and call my step dad 'dad', introduce him as dad, he walked me down the aisle. I wouldn't say anything about being her step dad until she's a bit older and asks. In terms of her step brothers new sister maybe try explain that and how your new baby won't be that babies sister. Best of luck with it all and the new baby.

dellas1979

I dont really understand what harm it can do if you dont tell a 9 year old the family history (that the adults created).

As a kid, all she needs to know is that she is well loved.

Youll know when she is ready when she starts asking questions (of which she hasnt yet). Then thats your opportunity.

December2012

I dunno, I disagree with some of the other posters.

There are step families in children's media - eg Sofia the First - where the family is a blended step family who do refer to each other as Mom and Dad.

For now, you could explain that you love her very much and you remember when you met her, etc (maybe a book about adoption would help).

And you can do that with plenty of gentle reassurance of your relationship with her.

If she asks about her biological father, you can say that he is not in her life right now, but if she wants to meet him you will help her.

Again I'm sure you can find books on this that are age appropriate.

You are her Dad, you take care of her and you love her, and nothing can remove that. But I think she will ultimately benefit from knowing the truth - whenever I hear an adopted person talking about their adoption it's the ones who knew they were adopted that appear to be the most secure.

Rubberchikken

She has probably heard your son referring to his sister i.e half sister so assumes she is her sister too.
She's 9 and is tryjng to figure out things in her own way. I've heard my nieces half sister refer to my mieces half brother as her sister (complicated!).
It has done any of them any harm and now that girl is 13 she fully understands that her half sister has a half brother but isn't related by blood to her.
Gosh i hope thats a little bit clear

Big Bag of Chips

She calls you "Dad", but only started calling you that when she started school. So are you sure she doesn't know that you are not her dad? Maybe she does remember that she has "another dad", but doesn't mind and instead sees you as her dad?

My husband has a daughter. She has brothers and sisters. My kids think that they are "sort of" their brothers and sisters. But we've explained it and they "sort of" get it but still tell us that they are "sort of" their brothers and sisters! They share a common sister, so its causing no harm for them to "sort of" think! As they get older they will understand better.

Your step daughter is 9. I think that is old enough to understand the basics of the situation. I also think kids are more accepting and adaptable than adults. So you are worrying and panicking over how she will react etc and the chances are she'll either shrug and and not be that bothered because she "sort of" knows the score anyway or she might be excited to have it all clear on who's who. There's also a chance that she might be a bit upset or confused. But kids take their cues from us. If we can put a positive spin, if we can shrug and make them think it's no big deal (because really it IS no big deal) then they are usually ok with things.

LegacyUser

You could approach it from a different angle. Don't at all refer to your family. Explain it more scientific that there is biological siblings / family members and non biological ones and then let her ask the questions.

diveout

I disagree entirely with the majority of posters here.

You can do this by explaining you are her "dad" but you are not her father.

The way you explain the biology is that the moms have an egg and the fathers have seeds and the seed gets planted in the egg and the baby grows inside the mom.

Some fathers stay and be dads, and some don't.

Stick to the facts, watch your tone and your body language. Be as neutral as you can be.

Leave it at that. Soon enough in a year or two she will learn the facts of life.

Your instinct is absolutely correct here. And she deserves the truth. It's the lies that undo us.

lurker2000

unreg010 wrote: »

I don't know, I'm so confused. I love her like my own and am so scared of our relationship changing.

I sense that this is the 'nub' of your post which is a different matter to other aspects of this situation so far discussed. You mention a new baby on the way - one that is the first biological child of your relationship. So far its been about 'mine', 'your's' 'their's' and now its going to be 'ours'. Can you explain why you think that this new child will somehow change your relationship with this girl ? Do you think she will feel resentful of this new child? Or do you somehow think that you will have trouble adjusting to the new situation? Do you think its fair to hi-light to this child when the new baby arrives that she has a different dad ? I'm not an expert, but I would assume that fact might have the effect of making her seem 'different' or indeed nervous that you will love this baby more than you love her. I don't think having this discussion at this sensitive time is best. Children are very adaptable, to be honest if she was refusing to accept these other children as having anything to do with her, I'd be more worried. I would recommend that you carry on as normal and answer any questions she raises in the future with candid sensitivity.

Tasden

Have to say I don't agree with people saying not to even mention it. I agree with the sentiment that family is family and biology doesn't matter, you're her dad, that is all true, but at the same time I think its important that she sees this while also knowing the facts. That despite you not being her biological father you are still her dad.

I think even if you mean well by not mentioning it and allowing her to think of you as her dad you run the risk of her feeling that its all been a lie when she does find out. That's not to say you need to have a big discussion about how shes not your "real" child, i think a casual chat about family trees or something like that would suffice and let her bring up any questions that might arise.

I think its all well and good wanting her to feel that shes your child and you're her dad but by not letting her know the facts at the same time you might end up actually alienating her in the future if she feels everyone knew but her. Its better for her to know that she is loved this way despite biology etc.

Idle Passerby

I agree with Big Bag of Chips. She's 9, she knew when she was 3 that you are not her biological father, I doubt she has forgotten that piece of information in the intervening years, rather she has decided you are more of a father to her than her own dad is prepared to be so she has chosen you as her dad.

At 9, I'm sure she's aware that her step brothers new sister is not biologically related to her. Surely at 9 she knows how basic biology and family relations work. It seems to me she is using the term sister for the baby she's not technically related to as a way of being inclusive and sharing a greater bond with her step brother.

Unless one of the adults involved has taken offence to the baby being incorrectly labelled a sister I don't see what harm it does for your step daughter to refer to her step brothers sister as a member of her family too. I think its nice she has such a wide family regardless of the technical labels that might apply.

I think your underestimating her intelligence to think she doesn't already understand the dynamics of it all. She will I'm sure have had conversations with her step brother and other family members referring to all of this.