Bf too attached to his parents

LegacyUser

As the subject suggests, my bf of 2 years is very attached to his parents and it has come to the point where I'd rather spend time alone than going to his parents.

Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful person and I love him dearly and I love his parents too - they are super nice and very attentive. But I've started to feel like I don't really enjoy spending time with them as I should and I'd rather be alone with him - if that makes sense.

A little bit of background. My bf is in his late 20's and he is an only child - which kind of explains why he is so close to them. His dad is slightly depressed and is an alcoholic and his mom dotes on the son. While the dad suffers from the above demons, they still are generally a happy family unit and they have really welcomed me as another family member over the years which I really appreciate.

We rent a property together as a steady couple would do but he only spends a day or two in 'our' house and during the rest of the week, he's with his parents. It is almost like I live there alone - which I don't mind - and he lives with his parents and I tag along and stay with the whole lot of them during the weekend.

I've already told him that I don't want to spend too much time being in his parents' because it has just become a bit too much for me which he understands. I've left home at 18 and been always very independent and I like my own space and doing things for myself. While I enjoy their company, I can't stand it when his mom 'mammies' him with little things and treats him like a little boy (he's going to be 30 soon for crying out loud!). Also, when I'm in their house, I'm almost always upstairs because I don't want to take up a space in the sitting room and make his parents feel like they can't sit/ lie there and watch TV etc. This is not really major problem but I feel like I'm not really being myself cuz I'm always in the bedroom unless we're outside.

I don't want him to choose between me and his parents because I understand how important a family is to anyone and I do try hard to spend as much time with them as he does. But it's not like when he's in their house, he's doing anything special with them, he just likes to be there, check on his parents, make sure that they are ok etc and just generally hang around. He does help a lot with house chores when he's with me in the rented property so it's not like he's lazy.

I don't know how to approach this with him again without sounding a bit jealous or weird. I mean, it is natural that I'd like more 'US' time than 'Us + folks' time and when I've already told him that I don't want to spend so much time in his parents, I don't know how to explain this better. Or is it a bit selfish of me to expect him to choose to spend more time with me when he's so concerned about his parents?

Any sound advice is welcome. Thanks!

MsMayhem

I'm sorry but it does sound a bit over the top & he needs to cut the apron strings. Obviously you can't tell your BF what to do but I would tell him exactly how you are feeling and that you would like some more time for just the two of you. It's up to him to decide then what he wants.

If it were me, I start doing my own thing with my free time and if he wants to partake, great but if not its better than being cooped up at his parents

LegacyUser

That's precisely what I've been doing. I try to keep myself busy after work so I don't have to go to his parents'. If he doesn't see me more than 1 day, he will always come and stay with me but he will usually just go to his parents' straight away.

It does feel like this relationship comes with a package of 3 people, not just him and I dont really want to be in a relationship with his parents even though I like them as 'his parents', but not as my partner if you know what I mean.

LegacyUser

Well there are four of you in this relationship, so its a bit crowded.

Nothing will change. He's an only child and they need him. He clearly doesn't mind. It works for the three of them.

As they get older, they will need him more. I can definately see him moving back in with them at that stage. And again, he may not mind.

I have a friend like this - only child, spent his youth moving around but from 35 was back taking care of his parents. His mum eventually got cancer and died, his father is lost on his own and my friend takes care of him full time, more emotionally than anything else. It has a happy ending of sorts, my friend has a girlfriend and a baby. BUT.....girlfriend and baby live with him and his father in the fathers house. One big happy family. The Dad is meant to be nice, but I still think she must be an extraordinarily patient person.

So basically I'm saying that they come as a package deal. Either you accept that and even consider the ties being even closer in the years to come, or you don't - and find someone with a different family dynamic.

Magicmatilda

Honestly this sounds really odd to me and I could not do it. I see my own parents about once a month and I would have no intention of spending any more time with someone elses.

I think what you need to do is just spend the time in your own home. After work go home to your house and stay there and start staying there at weekends. Why would you be going over to his parents. Is it because if you donlt you won't see him? That should not be the case, spending time with your partner should not have to involve spending time with their parents. I know nobody who has to do that.

What will happen if you have kids. Will you raise them alone your house while he is with the folks or will you you have to move in with them.

On a side note I donlt know any alocholics that have a healthy family dynamic around them in addiction. If things are that calm it maybe that they are enabling the father. Enmeshment is also common in alcoholic families . Just stuf to watch out.

If I am in a relationship and it looks like a life ling partnership then I would expect that our relationship would take precendence over any family of origin relationship. That does not sound to be the case here.

LegacyUser

It is definitely not a healthy family dynamic. They do get along - even when the dad turns into a monster every now and again. I realised a long time ago that the two of them are total enablers and it's almost like the dad just keeps living because he has to and drink is the only consolation he has as if there's no joy in life. I think it has definitely contributed to the family dynamic they have because the mother relies a lot on the son and the son himself feels like he has to look after everyone, in my opinion.

I don't want this to be a deal breaker but it has just reached the point where I feel like it's just too much and it doesn't seem like it's going to change. I only talk to my own parents once a week and that's enough for me and they don't know all the little details of my life and I have no intention of telling them everything either.

I am a very patient person and I do love them all. But for sanity sake, I've also started to spend most of the weekdays on my own. If we were to have children together, I think it would be bad to have the grandparents around often but I certainly wouldn't want to live with them.