Loner

LegacyUser

I feel like I am living life totally by myself and alone. I am not from Ireland but have been living here for the past 10 years. I get on well with co workers, have joined a few clubs and made ‘friends’ and acquaintances from hobbies, social circle etc.
Both my parents passed on and I have 2 sisters who mostly only ever get in touch with me when they are in trouble or need monetary assistance. I don’t mind helping them coz after all, they are my family and I love them. I have realised that this has also become the pattern with most, if not all my ‘friends’. They only contact me when they need something from me. If I don initiate any contact, no one contacts me.
As for my friends getting in touch, I still initiate the one-sided contact because most of my friends are now either married or have little kids, so I feel like I need to cut them some slack and don’t mind inviting them over for dinner, meet ups etc.
I am 33 years and the last time I was in a steady relationship was nearly 15 years ago.
Basically I have just realised that I am so alone in this world. I don’t feel lonely (feeling-wise if that makes sense). I have a good job which I am extremely thankful for and also a few hobbies which I love that also keep me busy- hence rarely had time to feel ’lonely’. However I have just come to realize that I am living life totally alone and feel that no one truly cares. Unless friends or family are looking for help, I stay for weeks at a time without contact from anyone. I don’t know how that makes me feel. Actually it makes me feel sad and this is only hitting home today after all those years. Has any ever experienced this and did it get better? I’m wondering is there anything I can do to make my situation better. I feel like I am empty right now (in terms of a mutual love relationship- where this is always one sided be it friends or family, relationships etc) and maybe this affects chances of me getting into a relationship. I don’t mind being single for now, however I would very much like meet someone who we can share life experiences together one day.

ManOfMystery

You sound like a fairly happy and well adjusted guy with a good life. That doesn't mean you can't get lonely at times.

Is there a particular reason you've been single for 15 years? Not that there's anything 'wrong' with it, but the average person will usually drift in and out of a few relationships over the years. Have you avoided relationships explicitly, or did the opportunity just never present itself?

Do any of your hobbies involves socialising with like-minded people, clubs, etc? That would be a good avenue to explore in terms of meeting someone with similar interests.

LegacyUser

OP here again.
Thanks MOM for your reply. Actually I am a lady. Sorry just to clarify, the last time I was in a ‘steady’ relationship was 10years and not 15 years ago. I have been in and out of ‘flings’ since then. The ‘flings’ last anywhere between 2- 9 months and most of the time would have been abruptly ended by the other party.
I came to Ireland to pursue a PhD and that took quite a lot of my time. I also worked part-time then. So for the first 4 years here, even though I had flings, I never worried when they ended coz I felt that I never REALLY gave it my all (due to college/part-time work/being busy etc). I was never truly worried about meeting someone in the long run as I also understand that it takes time to meet someone with mutual interests/compatibility etc and also adding on the cultural (and in my case race) differences, I always that that it would be that bit more difficult to meet someone- but I mean not impossible?
I finished college and started working full time about 3 and half years ago but still finding hard to meet ‘someone’ despite me giving it a good ‘go’ now. I’m actually starting to come to terms with the reality that I might actually be single for longer than I had thought and that maybe will never have kids (due to biological clock etc). The beginning of this ‘acceptance’ is what has led to my current trail of thoughts and my OP.
I was never one with self esteem issues (though by no means did I think that I am a super model or anything). I consider myself just ‘normal’. However things just hit home now and I am afraid if this will start esteem issues etc  I can’t help but wonder, is there something really wrong with me as this is starting to seem like a recurring pattern and not just in relationships.
I should also mention that up until 2 years ago I lived in small towns and I only moved to a bigger town 2 years ago. I don’t know if this has something to do with anything or should I be examining myself a bit more closely?
I’m a member of a running club and also two other hobby clubs as well as a member of a meet up group. That’s how I have made my acquaintances (as well as met some through work) but never really ‘true friends
Sorry my posts are so long! All advice is welcome.

tenifan

Hi op. I'm a guy and can kind of relate to a lot of what you say.
But maybe my outlook's different as I don't get too bent out of shape wondering who's a real friend and who's just an acquaintance. (at least, I'm fairly secure at the moment). I've some good friends who I participate in hobbies or interests with, and find that most of them are just as grateful for the company or having something to do as I am.
What you said about friends only contacting you when they're in trouble or need money.. well, some people attract people who need a shoulder to cry on.. you don't need to be there for everyone, it's draining. Similarly if you have a "friend" who only contacts you to discuss her relationship issues or work woes, try to make a bit of a distance and concentrate more on friends you can enjoy spending time with. As for friends/family with money trouble.. the simple answer is to never part with your cash. There's nothing in it for you and it can only create resentment.

ManOfMystery

loneranger567 wrote: »

OP here again.
Thanks MOM for your reply. Actually I am a lady. Sorry just to clarify, the last time I was in a ‘steady’ relationship was 10years and not 15 years ago. I have been in and out of ‘flings’ since then. The ‘flings’ last anywhere between 2- 9 months and most of the time would have been abruptly ended by the other party.
I came to Ireland to pursue a PhD and that took quite a lot of my time. I also worked part-time then. So for the first 4 years here, even though I had flings, I never worried when they ended coz I felt that I never REALLY gave it my all (due to college/part-time work/being busy etc). I was never truly worried about meeting someone in the long run as I also understand that it takes time to meet someone with mutual interests/compatibility etc and also adding on the cultural (and in my case race) differences, I always that that it would be that bit more difficult to meet someone- but I mean not impossible?
I finished college and started working full time about 3 and half years ago but still finding hard to meet ‘someone’ despite me giving it a good ‘go’ now. I’m actually starting to come to terms with the reality that I might actually be single for longer than I had thought and that maybe will never have kids (due to biological clock etc). The beginning of this ‘acceptance’ is what has led to my current trail of thoughts and my OP.
I was never one with self esteem issues (though by no means did I think that I am a super model or anything). I consider myself just ‘normal’. However things just hit home now and I am afraid if this will start esteem issues etc  I can’t help but wonder, is there something really wrong with me as this is starting to seem like a recurring pattern and not just in relationships.
I should also mention that up until 2 years ago I lived in small towns and I only moved to a bigger town 2 years ago. I don’t know if this has something to do with anything or should I be examining myself a bit more closely?
I’m a member of a running club and also two other hobby clubs as well as a member of a meet up group. That’s how I have made my acquaintances (as well as met some through work) but never really ‘true friends
Sorry my posts are so long! All advice is welcome.

Apologies! I inferred from your post that you were male for some reason, my mistake.

In any event, my point still stands - you sound like a very secure and stable person with a lot to offer a partner. Have you thought about online dating?

Rhino101

Hi OP,

I'm 33 years old guy, also living in Ireland for the past 10 years and I feel that can well relate to the feelings you've described. Almost like I've written the post myself. I too quite recently relocated to a bigger city and haven't had a relationship for at least 10 years and even though people seem to enjoy conversations with me, I feel nobody ever really cares beyond that point and the only time my phone rings is when I receive some carrier email and or promotion updates. I've tried online dating but not much success on that front either, despite being ''tall/healthy/decent guy'' ( not my own words, I recognize my shortcomings ). Sometimes, I wouldn't be able to even express the emptiness that surrounds me at times, yet I feel like I have so much love to give. I know there's somebody out there who I can make happy, it's just not easy to stay strong and positive at all times but it's probably all there's left to do.


Feel free to pm if I can be of any assistance

santana75

Op do you come from an English speaking country? If you dont I'd just like to say your written english is incredible. You come across as somebody whos really intelligent and self aware and thats great, you have a lot going for you.
But from reading your post the one thing that stands out for me is the pattern you have in your life where people seem to only contact you when they need something. I know this all too well and its not nice. But it doesnt have to be like that. You need to change that dynamic in your life because it wont change by itself, if you let them, people will use you for their own needs and wont give back what they take. You just have make the decision to not put up with it any longer. You may go through a period of having nobody but yourself for company but trust me that wont last because once you decide to treat yourself better and establish boundaries, you will attract good people into your life. I mean it doesnt happen by sitting at home, but if you get out and do the things you love to do then you'll meet like minded people that way.
Being in a relationship isnt all that its cracked up to be. What I mean by that is if Hollywood, romance novels, the media etc are to be believed, the right relationship will make you happy. But its just not true. A relationship is the icing on the cake, thats all. The cake is your life and how you life it and how you make yourself happy. Figure out what are the things you'd like to do and then explore those things. For example if you ever wanted to learn how to dance you could take a dance class, theres a load of them going on all the time and theres a active and vibrant dance community aswell. But whatever you end up doing, set your boundaries out clearly. Dont let people use you, family or not, youre not here to rescue anybody, youre here to live your life so dont put up with anything less than being treated fairly. If you find that youre doing all the leg work and contacting people then theyre not worth it really. Dont make excuses for them either, if somebody isnt treating you fairly or kindly then dont give them your time. I know its scary to do that but if you do, you'll give out a cetain vibe and attract people who will treat you well.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you all of who’ve taken time to get back to me.

I feel a little bit better now. I think the reason all the emotions came through these past few weeks was when I realised I need a change in my life! You know how they say the definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results!

MOM, I tried online dating, met some good people and still keeping touch with a couple (strictly platonic) for coffee, dinners etc every once in a while. However I don’t think it is for me, so currently taking a break. It is a good way to meet people who one would have never met otherwise though.

Thanks Rhino- sometimes I can’t help but wonder if being foreign contributes to the making ‘real’ friends bit of it?. On the other hand I know of other foreigners who get along with others just fine (though I also know quite a few who kind of feel a bit ‘empty’).


Santana, no I don’t come from an English speaking country-thanks for the compliment, had a big ol’ cheesy grin when I read that.
Unfortunately you are right. I usually hate letting people down but I’ve realised I actually need to start looking after me a bit more. It’s going to be hard but I’ve tried it all these years and this is where I am today. I think it can eventually lead to being resentful if I keep going like this. You are right- I am not here to rescue anybody. So I’ve started baby steps of creating boundaries and will only nurture and encourage mutual relationship going forward. I had to delete a good few numbers from my phone because of this. I naturally felt a little sad, but on the other hand, I felt the dead weight lift right off my shoulders.

Yes I am a member of a few clubs and hobby classes (nearly have something every evening). So will continue going to those and just keep focusing on enjoying life.

Thank you all for taking the time to get back to me. It is really get the feedback and your take on this.

Rhino101

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if being foreign contributes to the making ‘real’ friends bit of it?. On the other hand I know of other foreigners who get along with others just fine (though I also know quite a few who kind of feel a bit ‘empty’).

A thought which occurred to me on more than few occasions indeed, but I don't believe in that being the case. I appreciate it may seem as the only rational explanation at times, but is simply not the truth and I strongly believe that the moment we allow ourselves to think that there might be something to it, it will be the moment we won't be able to go any further.
Rotten eggs can be found anywhere in the world and are not specific to a certain place. There are hundreds of similar threads on the internet, ( being lonely, social anxiety, lost friends etc. ) most of which their OP's appear to be native speakers themselves. I'd suggest and read some on Reddit for instance, as it helped form my own conclusions and realize that for others, Life has had even less mercy for some people out there somewhere