Drop out of college or not

LegacyUser

I've posted on here a few times but still need some help.

Basically I'm in college not really into the club scene which makes it hard to meet girls. I've also got minor social anxiety which doesn't help as a result I am extremely lonely. What's worse is that I have got feelings for a guy I've know since secondary school. We go to the same college course too. These feelings have confused me as he's the only guy I'm remotely attracted to. Basically I came clean to him about the feelings which he seemed sound enough about. Any time I see him with a girl my stomach turns and I feel like utter crap.

We are going into our final year in college. This summer I went travelling for 2 months on my own and purposely cut him out of my life for those two months. No texts, fb, WhatsApp etc. To be honest, I was very happy those two months. I've come back and immediately the awful feelings are back, and just found out he's gone on a few dates with a girl. It has affected me again and I know I haven't moved on at all. I honestly can't see myself moving on with him still in my life. I feel like I've wasted the last 3 years being in a bad mood because of him.

I'm thinking of dropping out of college to get away from him but as he went to same secondary school he's in both sets of my mates, college and school so I'd have nobody. I've no idea what to do.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I know that it may be difficult, but I really think that you need to be practical here about your final year in college, and your feelings for this guy, and try to separate the two. What you are thinking now may seem like an easy solution - walk away from college and you won't have to deal with stories about this guy, but really it's only a bandage for the problem, and does nothing to resolve your feelings for your friend, and the fact that he doesn't reciprocate them.

You say that you feel like you've wasted the last three years being in a bad mood because of him, but really those last three years will be wasted if you drop out now so close to your degree, just because of your feelings for him. And as you've pointed out yourself, you're still going to encounter him in your circle of friends either way.

Ultimately you need to get past this, and after three years of unresolved upset at this guy - who, I'd like to point out, has been honest with you from the start and didn't react adversely when you told him how you felt - have you considered seeking counselling fro this? Most colleges have a campus counsellor - it may very well be worth making an appointment, and they will have dealt with students before who were in exactly the same situation as you are in now. One final thing worth bearing in mind is that if you are in final year, then you'll probably find that it will fly by, with very little time for socialising, as you will be concentrating on your studies. Once the year is up, you can go wherever you wish, but with a qualification to your name that will make it that much easier to do so.

LegacyUser

I have been thinking about this for a while and I can walk away now with an ordinary degree which would be sufficient to get a good well paid job however I will probably just continue working for myself within my business.

I have been to counsellors etc and have been diagnosed with depression and am currently on meds for it. When I was away it was the happiest and healthiest I have been for as long as I can remember. Coming home and being in college had brought back all the bad feelings and anxiety. Last night I couldn't sleep properly at all and I just can't hack another year of this.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, would there be any chance maybe of just deferring the year? that way by the time you come back he'd be finished, and you'd have a whole new set of people to make friends with?

LegacyUser

Yes, that was one of the options I am considering. I am hoping to get rooms either on or near campus hoping that the 'change' will make the year easier. Otherwise, I think I could take a year out and go back next year. I am scared to make the decision as I would be in effect cutting 80% of my current friends.

done4now

We have all been there with heart break when you see someone you fancy getting with someone else but please do not consider dropping out of college just because of some guy who in a few years time you will have completely forgotten about.

You have less than 9 months left of your degree which is nothing just keep yourself occupied with getting as high grade as possible in your degree.

I can foresee you regretting just getting a ordinary degree in a few years time.

I would try and distance yourself from him defriend him on Facebook or hide them from your news feed. It's never too late to join one of the clubs or societies, as this would widen your social circle which would take your mind off him and you might even meet someone special.

Also fair play on traveling solo its a hard thing to do but it stands to you.

Rubberchikken

with one year left to go and a possible degree in your future, think long and hard before you drop out over any guy, please.

he seems kind and good but he's with someone else and it's about time you started thinking of your life and your future.

you did great to travel for 2 months by yourself. i'm not kidding when i say that lots of people wouldn't manage that, so well done.

good luck with your decision

mrty

helpwithchoices wrote: »

I've posted on here a few times but still need some help.

Basically I'm in college not really into the club scene which makes it hard to meet girls. I've also got minor social anxiety which doesn't help as a result I am extremely lonely. What's worse is that I have got feelings for a guy I've know since secondary school. We go to the same college course too. These feelings have confused me as he's the only guy I'm remotely attracted to. Basically I came clean to him about the feelings which he seemed sound enough about. Any time I see him with a girl my stomach turns and I feel like utter crap.

We are going into our final year in college. This summer I went travelling for 2 months on my own and purposely cut him out of my life for those two months. No texts, fb, WhatsApp etc. To be honest, I was very happy those two months. I've come back and immediately the awful feelings are back, and just found out he's gone on a few dates with a girl. It has affected me again and I know I haven't moved on at all. I honestly can't see myself moving on with him still in my life. I feel like I've wasted the last 3 years being in a bad mood because of him.

I'm thinking of dropping out of college to get away from him but as he went to same secondary school he's in both sets of my mates, college and school so I'd have nobody. I've no idea what to do.

I read your post but for my advice only the title was necessary. Take it from someone who knows, DO NOT DO NOT drop out. If you're looking for something to regret for the rest of your life then by all means do. But i urge you to rethink, college won't last forever and this person will not always be a part of your life. An education is something that will and is a much more important part. Pull yourself together and get stuck in to school. I would give my right arm to be where you are today, you will look back at this sooner than you think and laugh but only if you stay in school. Sort it out.

LegacyUser

I have had around half and half with people advising me to take the ordinary degree/take a year out and to keep going. A lot of people have taken the ordinary degree and said its the best decision they made.

I don't see the point in putting myself through it again for another year when realistically I'll probably end up with suicidal thoughts again and loose tonnes of weight/not be able to sleep. I could end up doing really bad in the finals and then end up with an awful degree which I won't be able to retake.

LegacyUser

well, ive been through something similar myself, this year i finished a 3 year course and for the final year had to be in class with someone who had ditched me and (so i felt at the time) broke my heart. I feel ridiculous saying that now, though, because after 2 years of liking the guy, over the course of that final year i managed to stop (had to avoid all contact though). I understand exactly just how horrible that experience can be. This is why id suggest deferring, cos you get the best of both worlds, you get the degree, but not the pain. However, I kept at it in my case, and got the degree, it was unpleasant but doable, but i was sooooooo close to deferring! Course has been over now a few months, and am happy again, actually had forgotten all about it 'til I saw this thread...So, at least if you stick at it just keep telling yourself 'this time next year itll all be history and i wont care anymore...'

retro:electro

OP you should defer the year. You're not in the right frame of mind right now to go making decisions that you could one day regret. Deferring it will put it off for the year, then when you go back this guy will be gone. If you still don't want to return to your final year next year well then at least you know it's not a rash decision as you'll have had the year to think it out and will come away with an ordinary degree. You have nothing to lose by deferring, it's an easy process just talk to the college and they give you a form to fill out.

Big Bag of Chips

Your biggest problem seems to be that you will lose 80% of your friends. Chances are when you all finish college and go in various different directions you are going to lose touch with a lot of then anyway. You can't help how you feel about this lad, but he can't help how he doesn't feel about you. The best you can do is protect yourself, and if that means deferring for a year, then why not?

Don't drop out now. At least give yourself the option of going back next year. If next year you decide it's not for you then let the college know at that point. Dropping out mainly because of a fella is silly. 5, 10 years time, the fella won't really matter. How far you went in college will.

LegacyUser

Firstly I would argue he led me on and he has admitted to that.

When I was away I was sleeping through the night, eating better, gaining weight generally much healthier. Soon as I came home everything went down hill. Can't sleep properly. Can't eat properly. Generally feel like absolute crap.

LegacyUser

I'd appreciate any other advise. I'm getting very worried and don't know what to do and need to decide soon. Had my first wet-dream in ages over the guy which really has me confused. I don't understand how I can have zilch feelings for any other guy and only girls except this one guy.

retro:electro

helpwithchoices wrote: »

I'd appreciate any other advise. I'm getting very worried and don't know what to do and need to decide soon. Had my first wet-dream in ages over the guy which really has me confused. I don't understand how I can have zilch feelings for any other guy and only girls except this one guy.

To be fair I think people have given you all the advise they can offer you regarding this issue.

You can either;
a. Continue with the year and get some counselling that the college will provide for you.
b. Drop out and take the ordinary degree.
c. Defer the year and return next year when he will be gone.

Big Bag of Chips

What other advice would you appreciate? People have given very good advice on both finishing the year and deferring. The only advice people haven't given you is to go ahead and drop out. Is that what you want someone to tell you? It sounds like you have your mind made up. You are dismissing advice to stay and finish the course or defer the year and go back without the distraction of this fella next year. So, I take it you don't really want to do either of these things and just want someone to back you up in dropping out?

Ok, if you honestly think that dropping out is for the best, then drop out. I just don't see why you wouldn't defer the year and at least give yourself the option to go back next year. You don't have to go back if things go in a different/better direction for you. But at least you would have kept your options open.

To be honest, your posts seem to be less about your college education and more about this lad and why you feel the way you do. So what is it you REALLY want advice on?

Betty Bloggs

I don't know if deferring is the best option. What if some circumstances arise that cause this lad to have to repeat? Then he would still be in your year when you went back.

What if ok he leaves, you go back and start hanging around with a new group of friends. What if you develop strong feelings for one of these new people that is unreciprocated - would this cause you to want to drop out again?

Basically I don't think your college decision should be based on your feelings for another person in the course. If this is the only issue affecting your decision then I think it needs to just be dealt with head on. Are you asking your counselor for advice specifically for this issue? I know it would be tough as you share friends but you need to limit your contact with him completely. See your mutual friends on days when he is not around. Get chatting to different people in classes and lunch breaks, spend more time studying in the library during free periods or join some clubs. Difficult but doable if you want it badly enough.

If on the other hand that even aside from this problem you are just not really that interested in doing the 4th year (which it sort of seems from your posts,) then maybe it would be best to just leave if your heart is not in the final year and you think you will still do well working for yourself within your own business.

Just don't make your decision based on romantic feelings is what I would advise.

LegacyUser

I am just looking for as many opinions as possible. To be honest, don't particularly want to make the decision so hoping there will be a clear winner in the thread.

My concerns are:

1) Staying and doing 4th year now: I would be distracted, depressed and unmotivated again resulting in getting a poor final grade. Once I got the grade there is no going back and doing it again so I would be stuck with it.

2) Deferring for a year: I feel like I could struggle to go back to college after a year out. Also, theres is a chance the guy will repeat (although slim) and then I will be in the same situation this time next year.

3) Dropping out: Might always look back and be disappointed I didn't get the honours degree. I would be alienating myself from my friends which could increase my loneliness and depression.

To be honest its all about this one guy, pretty sure 90% of my depression, poor moods, poor results, suicidal thoughts are all as a indirect result of this guy.

LegacyUser

OP i think you should do whatever you would have done if this guy never existed, because thats what you'd really want to do. If you do anything other than this then the guy has 'won', so to speak. Don't give him the satisfaction, and just do whatever you would have done if he hadn't been around. If you do decide to stay, i can tell you from experience that it is possible to avoid someone if the class is big enough, you're not the only person who's ever been in that position, sometimes in life we have to just put up with crappy situations for a while. (In terms of your other friends, you'd have to lose them anyway, unless you want a constant reminder of this guy.and You are in college so at least you don't have to attend all lectures, if you just study in the library and at home you can still come out with good grades in the end ...). It can be done, if you want. That's pretty much all I got ...Best of luck, it will be grand in the end, it just feels horrible when you're in it like

gugleguy

@cestmavie Well done I didn't think of things from that point of view, -, OP please do consider.

Minjor

Don't drop out because of him! It's not worth sacrificing your degree and all the hard work over that disappointment.

LegacyUser

I've been back in college for a week and already have noticed weight loss, difficulty eating, loss of motivation and dip in mood as well as a few other differences.

I really don't know what to do, as it's all stupid and I know hopefully I'll move on and forget about it but I'm worried my grades will suffer

Minjor

helpwithchoices wrote: »

I've been back in college for a week and already have noticed weight loss, difficulty eating, loss of motivation and dip in mood as well as a few other differences.

I really don't know what to do, as it's all stupid and I know hopefully I'll move on and forget about it but I'm worried my grades will suffer

I think you should book into the college doctor asap in that case.

I wouldn't advise against deferring as an option all the same, but do go see the doctor and student support services too, who can give you advice on the benefits and repurcussions of a deferral.

retro:electro

Op if you want to defer is there a date that you need to do this by in order not to incur fees? It's usually around the end of September, it may be worth your while to look into that. Also have you been managing to avoid the person in question thus far?

Glitter

helpwithchoices wrote: »

I'd appreciate any other advise. I'm getting very worried and don't know what to do and need to decide soon. Had my first wet-dream in ages over the guy which really has me confused. I don't understand how I can have zilch feelings for any other guy and only girls except this one guy.

This post is a bit unclear but is part of this that you're having issues with your sexual orientation? You always considered yourself straight but now you met this one guy who made you think this might not be the case?

There's bound to be resources in your college for LGBTQ students and if there aren't try the youth services group BeLonGTo, especially if you're under 24.

Maybe I read this post completely wrong but I thought it was worth a mention.

Either way, you should see your college doctor asap over the dropped weight, depression, anxiety etc.

LegacyUser

There isn't really a deadline for dropping out fees wise. As long as I don't sit the exams in Christmas I'll be alright getting fees back or putting it towards next year.

Really don't know what to do. Been to counselling including online one but no-one seems to be able to tell me what to do. I know I have to decide by myself but I just can't. I don't want to lose all my friends I've made in college but on the other hand, I am beginning to feel suicidal again, struggling to eat and sleep which I just cannot deal with for another year.

Betty Bloggs

helpwithchoices wrote: »

There isn't really a deadline for dropping out fees wise. As long as I don't sit the exams in Christmas I'll be alright getting fees back or putting it towards next year.

Really don't know what to do. Been to counselling including online one but no-one seems to be able to tell me what to do. I know I have to decide by myself but I just can't. I don't want to lose all my friends I've made in college but on the other hand, I am beginning to feel suicidal again, struggling to eat and sleep which I just cannot deal with for another year.

Okay I take back some of my earlier advice. If you are feeling suicidal, this college year is just not worth it. You need to seek help immediately, if one counselor isn't working then try another.
The best case scenario is that with new help you would be able to improve to the point where you could complete this year and move on.
If you can't do this though and are feeling suicidal then whatever is causing these thoughts has to be gotten rid of. If this means taking a year out whilst still attending counselling to prevent this happening in the future, then so be it. Do whatever it takes to get you of that mindset and don't be too hard on yourself.

LegacyUser

hey OP, sorry things aren't working out, but you shouldn't put the responsibility of your decision onto other people. It is your decision to make, all people can do is give you OPINIONS. it is ONLY YOUR responsibility as an adult to be able to make a decision. The truth is that you seem to have rejected all advice thus far, by the looks of it. And that's fine, but you cannot push your responsibilities onto somebody else just because you want to be able to blame somebody else if it doesn't work out well. Whatever you do will be what YOU choose to go with , regardless of who says what to you, so it's your decision , when it comes down to it. Even if you do nothing that's still making a decision to do nothing. This is what life is. I don't mean to be harsh because you sound very young indeed, but we've given you all the advice that's possible at this stage.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm sorry to have to do this, but as you are having suicidal thoughts this is the point where the posters of PI are no longer qualified to help or offer advice. Please take a look at the links in the Information for Distressed Posters thread. And also find below the introduction from turn2me.org who are a verified representative here on boards, who can offer online counselling to Boards.ie members in need. Log in with a registered account and contact them directly via the PM system.

We now have to lock the thread, and wish you the best in getting the help and support you need.

Hello Boards Members,

My name is Eoin O'Shea and I am a counselling psychologist working at Turn2me, an online mental health organisation (www.turn2me.org)

I write to announce that Turn2me, having received additional support from the Health Service Executive through the National Office for Suicide Prevention, would be willing to offer support for any (adult - 18 or over) Boards members wishing to avail of our services online and free of charge. Such services are for those experiencing distress, a difficult time in life, or any of a number of psychological/emotional difficulties.

We can provide anonymous support at Turn2me should you wish to avail of our support forums, take part in our Online Support Groups which run every day, or use any of the other features at our site.

We can also offer you free online counselling - up to eight sessions - with a professional counsellor. All you would need to do is visit www.turn2me.org/engage and a member of our staff can take things from there. (Please note that the free online counselling option is currently aimed at Irish residents).

Please contact us as per the url above if you'd have an interest in the free online counselling. Alternatively, feel free to simply visit our site and check things out in your own time.

I wish you the very best and hope to hear from you soon,

Eoin