No Dateable Men

LegacyUser

I'm 20, in need of a rant and feeling like there's no men to be found for me to date. I'm getting sick of it.

I've been single for two years now. My first boyfriend and I broke up during the Leaving Cert (stress and lack of time and energy for each other). Since then, I haven't been able to find someone else. It never bothered me until quite recently.

I don't like nightclubs, so going there is out. I'm in a few societies and clubs in college, and will be joining another few this year, but I feel like that's still going to have no-one single and who will like me. The youngest man in my work is late 30s and married with kids.

Dad was an alcoholic while I knew him (before he left when I was 4) so I can vouch that I'm never getting involved with one of them. I may not remember much, but it's enough. Personally speaking, I wouldn't date anybody that is addicted to smoking or does drugs (I don't care if it's just recreational, still no). I feel like that takes 99% of straight men out of the equation.

A lot of the men in my college course use drugs at parties (or so they say - I've never gone to one and don't want to either by the sounds of things), so they're out. The guys who don't do drugs, I've talked to a couple of times. I wasn't physically attracted to either of them (although I'm usually only physically attracted to men after we've talked for a while and I find out how intelligent/witty/fun they are), and their personalities weren't the best either. There is one cute guy in my course who I *want* to assume doesn't do drugs, but I've never met him. I've seen him from afar - during our summer exams and repeats - and that's it. It's a small course (about 30) and he's rarely in for our overlapping lectures so I've never gotten to even speak to him. Apparently he's very shy (which I usually find cute, to be honest - gah).

It's not really that I can't find single, attractive men. It's that I can't find any who like me (ha, sad, I know). If I do, they're too old or a bit idiotic. The kind, interesting, attractive men I meet are usually five to eight years older than me (not that I know it when we first meet), so I'd consider them a no-go. We often meet at first through social media and later our paths overlap, or we meet at social events related to our careers (or the career I'm working on establishing, anyway). Sometimes I get the feeling that they like me back (or they'll make it clear), but once they find out my age I can just see their expression change slightly and it's clear that I'm a no-go for them too. We're in different life stages so it's understandable. I've seen from relatives how even just a six year age gap can cause some problems later on, and I don't want to experience that.

In regards to the whole "or they're a bit idiotic" bit, there's been a two men who I liked that were a bit... silly. One told me how he loved his ex so much, ten minutes after asking me out (and telling me this didn't stop him asking me out again the next day). The other just came on waaaay too strongly... Don't get me started.

I gained about a stone in late 2013/early 2014. I'm between a size 14 and 16 at the moment (but with exercise and healthy eating, I'm losing the weight at last). I think that's become a factor, but not really much of one. I've been told I'm pretty, and sometimes with makeup I think "oh, I actually am quite pretty today," but I'm not stunning or anything like it. So physically I'm not the best but I'm not the worst either, basically.

Personality-wise, I'm told that I'm very cute (as in n'awh, not sly) and appear quite innocent at first. I've been told I seem like the type who wouldn't be clued in on how terrible the big bad world can be, until you start to talk to me and eventually realise that I follow stories like what's happening with Syria, Gaza, etc, quite closely. People mistake me for being 23-26 when we talk on Twitter, and those I've met in person say that I seem more mature than what they'd expect from a 20 year old. When I was 19, I got "I thought you were 22, at least!" quite regularly. I carry myself well and I stand up for myself. I like to think I'm funny too.

I think I needed that rant. Thanks for reading.

Also, please don't suggest online dating. Tried it. I didn't meet one man my age who wasn't just looking for sex (and I mean on proper sites - not Tindr).

IlmoNT4

20 is really young, why not take a step away from finding a boyfriend and concentrate on getting healthy, going to college, working and having fun that you enjoy.

You appear to jump to conclusions about people rather quickly and while its good to see that you take an interest in the outside world, you come across as someone who might be a little unsure of themselves (very normal for a 20 year old). Try not to write people off straight away is my only advice and give people a chance. You are young, dont worry about boyfriends and all of that... focus on yourself, make friends and dont take things so serious.

Penny Tration

In the nicest way possible, you sound quite fussy and, dare I say it, judgemental.

You don't go to clubs, you don't go to parties, you don't want to date someone who uses drgs recreationally or who smokes, you won't date someone 5 years older than you, and the men you know who DO fit your criteria, you don't like their personalities.

Not liking clubs, parties and drug users is fine. The problem is, you're in college. It's what people in college do. So, people your own age sound like they're out of the equation, as drinking and partying are what most 20 year old college students do.

Usually by the time they hit 25 or so, they've grown out of that stuff. But that age is too 'old' for you.

So, i dunno. You seem very rigid on what you are and aren't willing to accept in a partner, and those who fit your list, you don't like anyway.

So I'd suggest you forget about dating. You sound quite naive in the rigidity of your expectations. The fact that you don't like the few people who do meet your criteria should show you that it's not about box ticking, and meeting your ideals.

You're still only young, just enjoy being free and single.

Barely There

So basically you want to find a guy, early 20's who is physically attractive, interesting, intelligent, witty, fun, non-smoker, non-drug taker, doesn't drink much, not into going to nightclubs or parties and is single?

Quite the list.

And then, this 'guy' has to be interested in you?


I'm not surprised you're having difficulty finding someone.


Obviously you have to have standards when choosing who to date, but your list of required attributes rules out 99.99% of the men you're going to come in contact with I'd imagine.

May I suggest setting the bar a bit lower initially?

skallywag

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm 20, in need of a rant and feeling like there's no men to be found for me to date. I'm getting sick of it.

To be completely blunt with you OP, I would just have to read this much of your post to come to the conclusion that I would never be interested in dating you myself.

R.D. aka MR.D

Listen OP, as one child of an alcoholic to another, I advise you to seek some professional help to deal with any unresolved issues that you may have.

You're in college which is the perfect time to avail of free services. When I was 20, I didn't realise how much my personality, especially the negative parts were influenced by my past.

The other posters are right. Your criteria is restrictive and not very usual (my own brother would be like you, super judgmental of drinking and it's just as unhealthy as having a care free attitude because it's coming from an unhealthy reasoning caused by past experiences).

Reading a book about the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics changed my life. Every single chapter basically described me. It was the first step in changing into a more well-rounded and together person.

You probably shouldn't get into a relationship until you are a bit more healthy in mind. I was overweight too and lost a lot of weight and suddenly got a LOT of interest and made some bad choices because of unresolved issues. I wish I hadn't had to learn those lessons the hard way.

Eric Cartman

Barely There wrote: »

So basically you want to find a guy, early 20's who is physically attractive, interesting, intelligent, witty, fun, non-smoker, non-drug taker, doesn't drink much, not into going to nightclubs or parties and is single?

at that age in college , being fun is being involved in those activities.

OP the only thing I could suggest to you is perhaps a religious society in your college , I dont know what your religion is but the only people I knew in college who met your ideal list were fairly heavy into christianity / islam.

its not ideal, but its an option.

Also you seem to be a fair bit of an introvert, looking for another introvert. Im afraid online dating or small groups may be the only place to find such people.

blankblank

Maybe aim for someone a bit older 23+ as they may have finished college and going out getting smashed etc may not be on the top of their priorities.

fatknacker

I know I'm stereotyping a bit here, but have you thought about volunteering for charitable or church organisations, or the scouts or something? A lot of young healthy non drinking, non drug users seem to do this kind of thing, from people I've met, anyway.

MrNoLuck

Barely There wrote: »

So basically you want to find a guy, early 20's who is physically attractive, interesting, intelligent, witty, fun, non-smoker, non-drug taker, doesn't drink much, not into going to nightclubs or parties and is single?

Quite the list.

And then, this 'guy' has to be interested in you?


I'm not surprised you're having difficulty finding someone.


Obviously you have to have standards when choosing who to date, but your list of required attributes rules out 99.99% of the men you're going to come in contact with I'd imagine.

May I suggest setting the bar a bit lower initially?

That guy you've described sounds just like me.

OP I'm exactly what the above poster described however I'm saying this in the kindest way possible you'd probably find an issue with me, so perhaps just maybe give the guys who's personalitys you don't initially like a chance, they might grow on you, and guys you don't find physically attractive try getting to know them, never know you might fall for them for personality.

Lux23

You're 20, there are practically thousands of men out there for you. And I think you're are being incredibly judgemental, recreationally drug users and drinkers aren't all going to be like your father. Maybe sort out your Daddy issues first?

galwayjohn89

What college are you in? I can think of loads of people in my college that would fit your requirements although you probably would find something wrong with them

eviltwin

Everyone has to have standards but there needs to be some flexibility there too because the perfect person who ticks all the boxes rarely comes along.

It comes across like you are deliberately trying to find reasons not to date the men you meet. I don't want to go all therapist on you but it could be as a result of your father's addiction and departure that has you afraid that maybe you'll meet a guy and he will let you down. You could be unknowingly using your dad as a mirror with these guys, yes of course when you have had that kind of rejection you are naturally going to be wary when it comes to relationships but don't let your father's behaviour affect you to the extent that you never take a chance on anyone.

Relationships do involve risk, you put your hopes into someone and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. You have age on your side, spend some time coming to terms with your past before you start dating.

ivytwine

You're 20! Why are you even trying to find a relationship!

I've said this here before but my friend once told me when I was down over being single, that at this age we will never be as young, free and beautiful. Why tie yourself down during these years of freedom. Enjoy college, learn who YOU are, deal with your past, and for goodness sake have some fun.

Sure men are like buses, they turn up when you least expect it!

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

You could be unknowingly using your dad as a mirror with these guys, yes of course when you have had that kind of rejection you are naturally going to be wary when it comes to relationships but don't let your father's behaviour affect you to the extent that you never take a chance on anyone.

Hi, OP here.

To start off with, I think this is the case. I thought this before and then thought "no, I'm being stupid." It probably doesn't help that my ex-stepfather (well, he and Mam weren't married, but were together for probably six years - although I didn't know it for a good while at first - and recently engaged) was a recreational drug user who got my Mam and grandparents into a lot of debt over his addiction before leaving. He lied about where the money was going (of course), but I'm afraid that if I get any more specific than that I'll be caught out and a family member will know me. He was planning on adopting me, which I was told about at the time. He said he wanted to be as close to an "official" father for me as possible (pfffft).

Maybe I am judgemental, but to be perfectly honest I'm also terrified. I'm afraid that I won't find someone soon enough to have a happy, long marriage with or that I will, but it will be too late to have kids. Growing up, my grandparents were never happy in their marriage and my aunts are all single, clearly struggling mothers. I don't know anyone who has what I want. I know that relationships have their rocky patches, but it's still scary to think that something I've dreamed of for years might never come true just because I haven't found someone.

Also, I read the description of adult children of alcoholics. It was like someone wrote (almost) everything bad about me on a page. The avoidance of emotions was one that's bothered me for years. A lot of people say that I never seem to be too happy, sad, angry, etc. Just... meh. I didn't think it was a proper problem that people could have though.

I went to a counsellor once and couldn't stop crying almost the whole time. I was just completely overwhelmed and couldn't go back for the fear I'd never stop crying that time. At the risk of sounding like a pure saddo, usually when I do cry it's at night, so I have the comfort that the night will soon end, I will fall asleep and my crying will be done for another day. Seeing as the counsellor was in college and I know a lot of people there through societies and my course, I was afraid that next time I'd walk out a blubbering mess trying to not cry and would bump into a someone with my waterproof mascara failing me.

I've been thinking I should probably try counselling again when my college can fit me in, but I'm just scared to be honest.

Penny Tration

Sounds as though going back to counselling could do you a lot of good.

You obviously have some issues as a result of your upbringing. And that's fine. Lots of us (myself included!) are left with issues from childhood. If you don't address them, though, they impact your life in negative ways, as you've started to see for yourself.

Forgetting about relationships for a sec, it might do YOU some good to speak to a counsellor, go to some sessions, get everything off your chest, and learn some coping mechanisms. As someone who went to counselling for years, I can completely understand why you're scared. It's bloody difficult to tell a stranger your life story! But, that's what they're there for. They chose to make that their career, because they care about helping people like you and me.

With regards to your fears about relationships - I think most of us have had that 'will I ever find someone?' fear. But, you're 20, not 40! It sounds like you want A relationship rather than a GOOD relationship, because you're scared of winding up alone. I really doubt somebody as seemingly intelligent and self aware as you are will end up alone. I always thought as a kid that I'd be married at 20, with two kids by 25.

By the time I was 22, I was ending a relationship. I was single then (by choice, surprisingly) til I was 24. Now, I'm with a lovely guy who's the opposite of what I'd have gone for in the past. I'm 25. Marriage and kids? I don't even want kids anymore, haven't since my teens! And marriage is but a distant possibility.

Relationship aspirations are rarely met in the timescale we'd like. But it doesn't mean you'll be alone.

Semele

The counselling isn't causing the crying, OP! Those emotions are there already and, yes, it can be scary to realise how much you are affected by something you've spent your life minimising, but it does not mean you can't cope with it.

You're already coping with it- counselling won't make that worse (although it can stir up emotions and make things temporarily seem worse. I always say "the only way out is through", in that you can avoid something forever but you can't get past it unless you're prepared to face it).

We learn ways of managing difficult experiences and feelings. In this case yours seems to be emotional distancing and reluctance to expose yourself to risk. That's fine, and those strategies work at first- they keep you safe in a difficult situation. But then life goes on, your situation changes, and the strategies that once were protective now don't fit with your aspirations for life. What once protected you by keeping the world at a distance becomes a prison instead, keeping YOU away from a world that is now safe and full of possibility.

Good counselling helps you to recognise this and to learn new ways of relating to others that are based on how things are now, not how they used to be.

The first time I went for therapy, I lasted 2 sessions in which I cried so much I could barely speak. I couldn't handle it at the time but it set wheels in motion in my head! I went back a few years later knowing what to expect a bit more and being in a more stable place in my life. Yes, I still cried, but I stuck with it and got a huge amount out of it. And now I'm a therapist, so there you go:p