infertility.. moving on..

rainemac

So been about 4 years ttc. initially 1.5 years unassisted and 2.5 years assisted, its come to the point now that I feel finished, we've gone as far as im willing to go with procedures, meds etc. I feel in my heart I am done, it is not going to work and we are looking into other avenues of having a family. My husband is coming to terms with it and getting on board with the decision I have tried to include him in but at the end of the day it is essentially my body and if I feel I cannot continue he has no option. It is my issue, no male factor.
Anyways the decision is made but Im feeling guilt for my husband and his mum. it sounds crazy but his mum is mad for a granchild, she knows all the issues but thinks me taking a break is going to help me get preg, we are going to have to tell her there will be no baby and we are probably moving away to adopt elsewhere. I know it not my fault and my husband never makes me feel guilty but i still feel it at times..
Has anyone any tips for moving on and not feeling the guilt? we have a couple holidays / weekends planned as 4 years on this journey meant we have not done much in the last few years.

nikpmup

Making the decision to stop fertility treatments is heartbreaking. Personally, I came to the point where I wanted to get the mirena coil - I'd had enough; every month I'd be hoping that this would be the miracle month and when my period came I'd be devastated. I just wanted to never wonder again. That takes it's toll.

I don't know what you can do to assuage the guilt you feel, except to reiterate the reasoning behind stopping. You have a wonderful relationship; never-ending fertility treatments can (and do) wreck the strongest of marriages; so by stopping, you can make sure that your relationship doesn't fall by the wayside in the pursuit of your dream. There's several really good books on the market about the emotional side of fertility treatments, maybe have a read of a couple of them? (I can't think of them atm but I'll edit my post with the names when I find them)

Lastly, giving up treatments fully allows you to embrace adoption as a valid method of having your family. I know several people who've adopted, and all of them, without exception, felt as excited to adopt as if they had their children biologically, and all the grandparents love their grandchildren fiercely.

Giving up treatments is a grieving process, and guilt is a part of grief. It serves no purpose except to make you feel bad. Take the time you need to process and accept your decision. I wish you the very best of luck, be it with or without children.

Neyite

I cant offer much better than Nikpmup in terms of advice, but I can tell you that I told family members I wasnt going to discuss my (ongoing and hopefully minor) secondary infertility issues, current treatments, or listen to what holiday I needed or what relic to rub on me or novena to say anymore.

Like that, we had a someone in our family who just didnt get it. Told people in the wider family about it, made jokes about it, and after breaking down one day, I'd had enough. We decided that this is OUR issue. Nobody else's. So nobody else's opinion/ anecdote/ relic/ homeopathy was welcome. In an ideal world, you would have promptly had a few kids and mother-in-law would be content. But life didnt happen that way and everyone has to adapt, including her. And as hard as it may be for her to understand, you (or ideally your husband) need to tell her that her grief over you moving on from infertility is not a patch on what you went through or are going through and basically in the nicest possible way to back off

skallywag

Sorry to hear that OP.

I can be very difficult to take the final decision to stop trying once and for all, particularly if one is going down the IVF/ICSI road, and it's always very tempting to have one last attempt, etc. It's very easy to end up feeling like you are a dog chasing your own tail.

All the best for the future, I hope that things work out well for you and your family.

nc19

My opinion is not a popular one nor one that will make you happy but if embrace the fundamentals of my opinion there should be some comfort in it.

Some people are not meant to have biological kids. It really is that simple.

Forcing the issue with IVF invariably leads to heartache and arguments and its only the strong marriages that come out the other side the same as before they went in.

My partner is a midwife so I speak with some knowledge of what I type next.
A lot of IVF babies are born with issues, some to do with the mothers age like Downs as the women who partake in IVF tend to be older women and we all know the older the mother the more likely the baby will have Downs. Autism etc is common to but even if the child is born perfect the desperation of the parents to have the child translates into mollycollying and enabling bad behaviour and in some cases(I speak from experience with a family member) delayed development due to being babied to the extreme because, again the parents were so desperate to have the child. Add to these potential issues the usual fact that a lot of IVF kids are the only child and you have all the usual trials that go with that.

Obviously I know all these issues can arise with a normal pregnancy but the chances are a lot greater with IVF.

Had you been successful with the IVF and the baby was born with some debilitating problem or other how would you have felt? I dont expect an honest answer to this questions on a public forum where you are terrified of strangers forming an opinion of you but I really don't believe anyone actively goes out to have a child with a physical or mental disability. I wait now for all the parents of such children to tell me how rewarding it is have a child with such problems! I doubt any one of you if given the choice when starting out would chose to have a child who's life will be compromised due to their issues.
I digress.

TL/DR

If you cant have a child biologically then you weren't meant to in my opinion.
Adopt. There are thousands of kids out there looking for a home.

indigo twist

nc19 wrote: »

If you cant have a child biologically then you weren't meant to in my opinion.
Adopt. There are thousands of kids out there looking for a home.

Wow ... I'm guessing you don't know anyone in Ireland who's attempted to adopt a child in the last few years.

Unless you're Brangelina, it's a lot easier said than done.

A family member of mine and her husband have been to hell and back with unsuccessful IVF attempts for unexplained infertility. They've spent thousands of euro trying to adopt from Russia and China - they even got to meet the little Russian baby in the orphanage - both attempts fell through last minute (after all the money was paid, but the monetary loss didn't even compare to the heartbreak they went through.) As they were in their mid thirties at the time, they were too old to be eligible to adopt an Irish child (if there were any to be adopted - there aren't.) They're now in their forties, and have given up on ever being parents. They are a healthy well-off couple and would have made fantastic parents, they would have met all the criteria.

Yes, there may be plenty of kids out there in the world looking for a home, but it's not as easy as you might think to provide a home for them.

And it's really crap that you think that if a couple can't just fall pregnant, they shouldn't have kids. 25% of couples have fertility issues. The vast majority of these issues can be overcome, often with minimum intervention. Who are you to say that some people are less "deserving" of parenthood than others? Surely if a couple is willing to go the extra million miles that are involved with assisted fertility, aren't they MORE deserving than most of the gift of being a parent?

I've a feeling you'll never agree with my viewpoint. I genuinely can't understand yours, to be honest.

skallywag

nc19 wrote: »

Some people are not meant to have biological kids. It really is that simple.

What a Stone Age opinion.

nc19 wrote: »

Adopt. There are thousands of kids out there looking for a home.

This is not practically correct.

LegacyUser

You have spent a number of years trying every option possible to have a baby but it has not happened for you. It is not an easy decision to make but having watched a friend of mine going though fertility treatment I have some idea how you feel.
Fertility treatment is hard on your system, you get hopeful that this month things will be different along with this is puts a lot of strain on the strongest of relationships.

Then you get some people making comments about why you don't have children. Your mother in law thinks now that you will take some time off and try again. Your husband needs to tell her that you have had enough of the fertility treatment and that in time you will look into other options that are open to you to have a family. This may sound blunt but she needs to realise that you don't need her making comments, asking questions or expecting you to start fertility treatment again in a few months time.

I would stop feeling guilty as from what you have told us you have done everything you can to have a family. At this stage you need you to give yourself a brake and spend time with your husband. I am glad to hear that you have planned some holidays as it will give you some thing to look forward to.
I would also get in contact with your friends and see if you could get involved with some new hobbies or groups as this will get you out of the house.

In time it will get easier for you and you can then decide what you want to do. Don't let your mother in law push you into adopting a child unless you and your husband decide this is what you want.
I hope that you will start to feel better soon.

nc19

indigo twist wrote: »

 Who are you to say that some people are less "deserving" of parenthood than others? Surely if a couple is willing to go the extra million miles that are involved with assisted fertility, aren't they MORE deserving than most of the gift of being a parent?

Making things up to make your point smacks of desperation.

Where did I say they were less deserving???

Also, the willingness or ability to spend wanton amounts of money does not make someone more deserving of being a parent.



I genuinely look at this as a natural selection kind of thing tbh

farmchoice

nc19 wrote: »

My opinion is not a popular one nor one that will make you happy but if embrace the fundamentals of my opinion there should be some comfort in it.

Some people are not meant to have biological kids. It really is that simple.

Forcing the issue with IVF invariably leads to heartache and arguments and its only the strong marriages that come out the other side the same as before they went in.

My partner is a midwife so I speak with some knowledge of what I type next.
A lot of IVF babies are born with issues, some to do with the mothers age like Downs as the women who partake in IVF tend to be older women and we all know the older the mother the more likely the baby will have Downs. Autism etc is common to but even if the child is born perfect the desperation of the parents to have the child translates into mollycollying and enabling bad behaviour and in some cases(I speak from experience with a family member) delayed development due to being babied to the extreme because, again the parents were so desperate to have the child. Add to these potential issues the usual fact that a lot of IVF kids are the only child and you have all the usual trials that go with that.

Obviously I know all these issues can arise with a normal pregnancy but the chances are a lot greater with IVF.

Had you been successful with the IVF and the baby was born with some debilitating problem or other how would you have felt? I dont expect an honest answer to this questions on a public forum where you are terrified of strangers forming an opinion of you but I really don't believe anyone actively goes out to have a child with a physical or mental disability. I wait now for all the parents of such children to tell me how rewarding it is have a child with such problems! I doubt any one of you if given the choice when starting out would chose to have a child who's life will be compromised due to their issues.
I digress.

TL/DR

If you cant have a child biologically then you weren't meant to in my opinion.
Adopt. There are thousands of kids out there looking for a home.

This post is a disgrace, its factually incorrect in almost every statement it makes, it is deeply insulting to many many good people on any number of levels and is premised on nothing more then the ignorant opinion of someone with some sort of moral axe to grind by the looks of things.

I personally think it should be removed forthwith, I don’t think I have ever read such appalling ignorant ranting allowed in PI.

Tokyo

I'd like to remind posters that the OP is asking for advice on 'moving on and not feeling the guilt' - this is not the thread for pushing one's own beliefs regarding IVF. Any more of these off topic posts will be infracted.

Regards,
Mike

eviltwin

This is an issue that my brother and his wife are facing at the moment. After years of trying they have given up on having a child at all. We knew they had problems with their fertility but had always hoped they would have a baby somehow.

It can be difficult for everyone, its not so bad in my side because there are other nieces and nephews but she is an only child and her parents are just devastated they won't have a grandchild. They have to go through their own grieving process because as parents they probably did expect that it would happen. But never have they blamed or made them feel somehow inadequate for not being able to provide that much wanted grandchild. We all know that our sadness at the situation is just a tiny fraction of what they are going through.

Please don't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong. You can't help that this has happened. Your mother in law bless her probably thinks she is being helpful by saying that. Maybe she is really trying to convince herself.

Your health issues are your business, you aren't responsible for how anyone else in your family or circle feels. I think you need to be selfish here and put yourself first, you can't take on your loved ones feelings as well as your own. Give yourself some space to think your options through away from everyone else. Best of luck xx

rainemac

Thanks to nikpmup, neyite, skallywag, indigo twist, lady2015 and evil twin for yer contributions, advice and reassurances and farmchoice for highlighting the inappropriateness of a poster. nc19 I understand where your coming from but dont think its at all appropriate. Also I never said I was doing IVF, there are many forms of fertility treatment.

I am definitely going to be taking a few holidays and enjoying life for a while before we make the move to another country to adopt. adoption in this country is just not an option. thanks so much again everyone, ye are all right in what ye said. take care xxx

ABajaninCork

I'm in the same boat as the OP. Sadly, we'll never be blessed with children. So now we have a little dog who, I'm not ashamed to say is our child. It's tough moving on from that.

Now's the time to spoil yourselves a little. You've gone through so many tough and heartbreaking times, it's time now for YOU. Enjoy yourselves for a while, kick back and relax while you decide where your lives will take you.

I wish you and your family all the very best and hope you'll soon have a little one.

rainemac

thanks for sharing ABajaninCork sorry to hear about what you've been through.Thanks for the advice, we'll def be taking it. Im glad to have the decision made and to be moving on.. best wishes xxx :-)

wdmfapq4zs83hv

nc19 wrote:

If you cant have a child biologically then you weren't meant to in my opinion. Adopt. There are thousands of kids out there looking for a home.

nc19 wrote:

Had you been successful with the IVF and the baby was born with some debilitating problem or other how would you have felt? I dont expect an honest answer to this questions on a public forum where you are terrified of strangers forming an opinion of you but I really don't believe anyone actively goes out to have a child with a physical or mental disability. I wait now for all the parents of such children to tell me how rewarding it is have a child with such problems! I doubt any one of you if given the choice when starting out would chose to have a child who's life will be compromised due to their issues. I digress.

nc19 wrote:

Obviously I know all these issues can arise with a normal pregnancy but the chances are a lot greater with IVF.

nc19 wrote:

My partner is a midwife so I speak with some knowledge of what I type next. A lot of IVF babies are born with issues, some to do with the mothers age like Downs as the women who partake in IVF tend to be older women and we all know the older the mother the more likely the baby will have Downs. Autism etc is common to but even if the child is born perfect the desperation of the parents to have the child translates into mollycollying and enabling bad behaviour and in some cases(I speak from experience with a family member) delayed development due to being babied to the extreme because, again the parents were so desperate to have the child. Add to these potential issues the usual fact that a lot of IVF kids are the only child and you have all the usual trials that go with that.

nc19 wrote:

Forcing the issue with IVF invariably leads to heartache and arguments and its only the strong marriages that come out the other side the same as before they went in.

nc19 wrote:

Some people are not meant to have biological kids. It really is that simple.

nc19 wrote:

My opinion is not a popular one nor one that will make you happy but if embrace the fundamentals of my opinion there should be some comfort in it.

What a load of rubbish! Not just insulting but factually wrong.

LegacyUser

This is something a family member came to terms with some years back. No one in my family said anything about it Grandparents were very understanding too. However my brothers in laws were very ignorant about it , pressure was put on to adopt by his in laws . It is really a couple's decision and a private one .