Abused man

LegacyUser

I am 29 years old and married for five years now with two young boys between 17 months and 3 years old and......I am a man. I've been living with an angry my way or the highway abusive wife now for a long time. to give you an example, she controls the finances, estranged me from my family and any time I offer an alternative opinion to her or perhaps give out to her for something she is doing wrong in the household she gets upset and starts hitting me. I think the most dangerous time was when I was driving with kids in back and she punched me in the face. I let all these physical incidents go because I'm worried about my boys and I feel like I'm a man or something and should be able to just sort it out I dunno. I felt like this morning was the last straw when she started pounding me on the head as I lay on the couch with my three year son playing the ipad. I jumped up and said I've had enough and was taking the boys and leaving and then she started screaming and crying and being manipulative and using scare tactics to shame me in front of the neighbours like ''stop hitting me'' she would say when I do nothing of the sort and the boys began to cry also. now it is all died down and i don't really know what to do I'm so stuck. I feel so lost and have nobody to help me get out of this situation.

It should be noted my wife has just gone through cancer and has bi-polar also but is this an excuse to abuse and beat me? should I just try and find her treatment? every time I try she won;t go so how do I save a person ......from themselves?

Taltos

You can't save her from herself. You can only save yourself and your two children from her - get some legal advice and take action immediately. You might be lucky and spur her onto taking responsibility but to be honest I would not have her around the children, right now you are the focus, but what happens when that changes.

In the meantime before you get legal advice reach out to amen.ie today.

Silverfish

I don't often post in PI, but this is important - you need to leave. Please leave.

Have you anyone? Family? Friends? Anyone who can take you and the kids in, even for a few days?

There isn't enough support for men in these situations in my opinion, but please contact http://www.amen.ie/, even just to talk, get advice, or even help just get a plan together so you have it ready.

indigo twist

If she can pound a grown man in the head, just think what she could do to a small child. Especially when you're not around.

Leave, leave now, take the children. You have to. Please.

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

Just some practical advise, you need to get yourself to a doctor (probably southdoc on a Sunday) ASAP to get a medical report for what happened this morning. While the advise here to leave is correct I feel you need to stay and make records of this abuse. Unfortunately, the Irish justice system does tend to side with the mother as regards to children so you need to build a record of this happening. If you leave now without a proper plan in place then in the cold light of day I would worry she may get custody of the children and she could spin the story that she was abused.

LegacyUser

You have great worth man! You don't need to stand for this. There are a million decent women out there who wouldn't dream of physically attacking you. It will probably be tough; but some day in the future; instead of being punched in the face - you will be getting kissed in the face!! I know which one I'd prefer!

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the words of support. I have family but they don't take it seriously, in fact they take her side and she has them wrapped around her little finger simply because I'm a fella and don't have a job I'm seen as a meanie or something even by her own parents. Fact is, the reason I don't have a job is because I've to look after herself because she cannot clean, cook or go out and get a job either to help the house out and her parents are exremely wealthy who have hired her a full time nanny simply because under the guise that shes going through and has gone through cancer but really shes just extremely lazy and won't work or look after the kids but shes well capable of dragging me around to Jacuzzis and saunas and swimming and going shopping and I need the nanny because right now I'm trying to build a job for myself and do a business plan. surely if shes well fit to do all these things ( swimming shopping gym ) she is well fit to get a job or look after the kids whilst I get to work? This is her bi polar and I have explained to her ( and I try to do this in public so she won't go mental on me ) in the pool one day that perhaps we need to explore the possibility that she needs to get some help mentally but she then ''threatens'' to make a show of me and starts saying ''I'm gonna storm out of here, I've just gotten over cancer'' and I told her shes always had bi-polar since the day I met her and that she really needs to explore getting help as after just going through cancer can add to it also. But she just makes a show of me by walking or storming out. she did it in the pub the other night. This is a manipulative controlling tactic I do believe and it does work. another controlling tactic she uses is that she is going to call her mother in america and take the kids away from me as they are all wealthy and all ''Lawyers'' and sure I'm just a poor pauper on the dole. What chance do I stand? I am afraid that if I speak out social services will take my children off of me cause I'll be seen as unfit parent because I'm on the dole or something. I love my kids, she loves the kids and would never harm them but by behaving like that in front of me and using bad language she is causing them lasting damage especially my 3 year old who is approaching a good age of reason. he was traumatised by it all and crying.

I am afraid if I go to the doctor my kids will be taken off me, thats basically one of the scares I have of reaching out. I love my kids to death, but If I don't sort this out I'll end up jumpin off a cliff myself.

Another reason I'm afraid of leaving the house with my children is that it will be seen as kidnapping or something to that effect. as well my mother and father as well as extended family are not taking this seriously and tend to ''talk'' about it with me but then they just leave it at that and nothing gets done. I have no friends, she doesnt want me near my mother. I cannot leave the house and go for a walk on my own, she wants to be by my side ALL the time. I'm in bits. *sigh*

dellas1979

Abused wrote: »

It should be noted my wife has just gone through cancer and has bi-polar also but is this an excuse to abuse and beat me?

No.

There is no excuse to beat your spouse/partner.

Almost sounds at this stage like she is taunting you.

I'd be taking pictures of any marks on your body. Id video her. Id be getting legal advice.

But the most serious problem here is the mark that she has left, mentally. Id ring AMEN (details have been given here).

Rubberchikken

For the moment you need support and advice.
'Amen' would be the way to go.
You can speak to your gp. As nothing is technically happening to the kids, i'm sure he will listen and advice you.

It seems an awful situation to be in and maybe photographing any injuries might be of use if this gets worse.

Good luck

JuliusCaesar

abused man wrote: »

I am afraid if I go to the doctor my kids will be taken off me, thats basically one of the scares I have of reaching out.

The social services are extremely reluctant to take children into care.

If they can place children with family members, they will do so. As father, and primary caregiver, you would be first on the list.


Have you spoken with her psychiatrist? It's well worthwhile to do that. They will have a social worker on the team who can talk with you about your options. If they don't know, they can't help.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

You need to have a chat with your doctor. They are very supportive in domestic abuse situations. Your doctor will understand your fears in leaving, and have a good understanding of your wife's illness.

I know you say she loves your kids and would never hurt them, but do you know this for sure? I don't know your wife so I can't say, however I would be very wary because any adult so unhinged that she thinks its ok to take her temper out on you, with little provocation, I personally would not trust her with small children.

As for manipulating the situation, accusing you of hitting her, don't rise to it. If she assaults you, remove yourself from the situation and keep a record of it.

There is domestic help groups out there, they will be on your side and they'll offer you support and assistance in finding a safe place to go, and to help you get your children away from a violent home too.

Nobody will try and put your kids into care, everyone needs help sometimes and you would be better going now because honestly, I don't believe people like that can change, especially if she can't even see there's a problem. It won't get better, but I'm sure you know that.

Sometimes being "a man" is just being brave and doing the right thing for yourself and your children. Standing there and being a punching bag for a violent woman doesn't make you a man.

There is help out there, if you look for it. I know AMen deal with male domestic abuse. Best of luck

logic

At this point in time, you might not be ready to leave but what you need to do is start getting as much evidence as you can, while you are still there. You will need to document as much as you can, get doctor reports and talk to a solicitor, talk to citizens information about your options, talk to the social welfare about emergency housing for you and your kids. You need to start thinking along the lines of it is better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. The time will come when you have to leave and the last thing you want to do is to leave your children with her. If she hits you, she will hit them, might not be now but when they are big enough she will. Even having the kids see her hit you is going to mess them up.

It doesn't matter how expensive her solicitors are, they can't buy their way out of evidence and truth. If you are not working, you should be entitled to free legal aid. Look in to it. Get yourself prepared now. Even if you think you can put up with it, you won't when she starts on the kids.