Should we read it or throw it out?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

My little sister committed suicide a year and a half ago. There are no words to describe how I felt the day I found out or how I feel now. I'm still in shock and it hurts massively as we were very close. I'm still trying to figure everything out, time moves on but it doesn't justify what happened. I have no idea what drove my sister to do what she did. I understand that depression clouds your judgement, isolates you and in general, affects every aspect of your life but I still feel in the dark. I knew she was depressed but I didn't know she was suicidal. And although they both go hand in hand I just still can't believe it.

I travelled home from the UK yesterday, my older sister came home too. I had shared a bedroom with my little sister and wanted to clear out some of my old books/ clothes etc. Emma (my older sister) was helping out. She was clearing out my wardrobe when on the top shelf she found a journal, it was hidden at the back. She asked me was it mine before looking in it, but I have never kept a diary. We opened it and my little sister's name and age were written on the inside of the cover. We didn't read it but closed it when we copped on as to what it was. The age written on the inside of the diary was 19, that was the age she passed away.

My issue is whether or not we should read it or throw it away - as if we never came across it. On one hand, it was her private journal, I'm sure she didn't expect anyone to read it and I would feel quite guilty if I invaded her privacy like that. She was always very private and never appreciated anyone prying into her business. I'm also terrified to read it and what we will find if we do. On the other hand, if we read it I feel like we'll have some insight and most of all some closure. Maybe we could understand a little more, see things from her perspective. The journal is full - I can see from the paper at the side. But I'm unsure what to do. Emma thinks we should read it but I'm not entirely comfortable with that? Although if we throw it away, I might always regret the decision. Does anyone have any advice? I know it's ultimately our decision to make but some advice would be appreciated.

CaraMay

Don't throw it away.

I personally would keep it and have it there as a source of comfort. The worst has already happened so maybe reading the journal will help you understand how she going to the point she did. It may help you all heal.

Maybe your parents will want it so definitely don't go throwing it out without telling them.

Sorry for your loss.

hagoonabear

My condolences op, please don't throw it away I lost 3close family members to suicide and if I found a diary belonging to any of them it would help so much , your parents as cara may mentions above will want it , it will give insight to her thoughts

Raminahobbin

In really sorry to hear about your sister, I can't even begin to imagine what you and your family must be going through

In terms of the journal, it's completely understandable to have these reservations about reading the journal, but at the end of the day I do think you will always regret NOT reading it if you don't. Whatever about the ethical dilemmas involved, I think anyone who found the same would read it.

Having said that, don't obsess about what's in the diary. Once things are written down, they become much more inflexible than having a conversation with someone- she can't explain anything she has written to you any further, and you need to be prepared to take what's said with a pinch of salt. I use my journal to vent a lot, I don't mean some of what I say.

Don't obsess over the journal. Don't dissect it, and don't read it looking for answers. You may never get answers, and this is just a fact anyone who had lost someone to suicide HAS to come to terms with. The diary is just a vent, a space for her to ramble. Just because it's written doesn't mean it's true.

If someone read mine, they'd think I hate my family, hate my job, and am completely miserable. It's not true - it's just that people don't tend to write about the good stuff. They write to tease out issues and come up with solutions, or just to vent. Please bear that in mind, because you will read upsetting stuff.

Big Bag of Chips

With suicide there will always be unanswered questions for those who are left behind. Feelings of guilt over could they have done something to prevent it. As someone else mentioned, people tend to vent in their diaries. It's the things you'd never say out loud.

I don't think there's any right or wrong way here. But if you do read it you need to be prepared for the guilt you may feel afterwards. I don't mean the guilt of having read her diary, but the guilt of hearing her say bad things about you.

As mentioned, if we read anyone's diary I'd guess it would all be giving out about the mundane things other family members do that annoy them! So if you do read it, you might hear things that weren't necessarily true, but were how your sister felt. Would this add to any guilt your family already feel?

Has anyone in your family been to Bereavement Counselling? I think it would be hugely beneficial to you all. Especially if you do decide to read the diary.

I am so terribly sorry for what your family have been through.

Rubberchikken

my sympathy on your loss.
hold onto the diary. it's a very important part of your sister and maybe in time, may help with the grief you and your family are going through.

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

First off I'm very sorry about your sister.

I actually had the same issue facing me a few years ago. In my case I read my sisters diary, while it provided me a source of comfort I distinctly remember feeling so nervous reading it in case there was anything negative about myself or my family in it. She could have wrote something in the heat of the moment and it would have been desperately upsetting to read that. I would wrap the diary up, keep it as a momento and give it to your parents. Never read it.

Stavro Mueller

OP_2014 wrote: »

Emma thinks we should read it but I'm not entirely comfortable with that? Although if we throw it away, I might always regret the decision. Does anyone have any advice? I know it's ultimately our decision to make but some advice would be appreciated.

If you're nervous about reading the diary but Emma's happier to do so, why not have her read it? Would she be OK with reading it by herself? If she did read it first, at least you'd have not have the fear of reading awful things about yourself when you picked it up.

I think even if neither of you read it now, you should put it away somewhere safe and have another think about it in a year or two. You can always throw it out at a later date if you think that's the right thing to do. Maybe now in the heat of the moment you could do something rash. <Mod Snip: Well intentioned but the wording may cause upset >

retro:electro

Losing someone to suicide can often leave someone consumed with a multitude of questions such as the hows and the whys. Reading the diary may come as some source of comfort to you but don't expect it to answer every question or to assist you in your grief. If anything it may raise more questions; why didn't she tell me that? If only we'd known this etc etc..
If your sister wants to and is comfortable reading it then maybe let her. Then when you are ready you can ask her some questions about it.

I know it feels like a crass invasion of your sisters privacy, but if it's all you have left and if it may go as far as providing you both with some comfort then I'd suggest reading it. She probably knew someday it would be found, otherwise she would have destroyed it. If you throw it away it's gone forever and you may regret that down the line.
When my uncle committed suicide he left no suicide note. I know his family searched his house high and low in complete desperation in the hope to find some words he may have left as to why he did this. They found nothing and so the hows and the whys never ceased.

folamh

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. The death of a close family member has got to be one of the most difficult things for a person to come to terms with. That's hard enough, but suicide makes it even more complicated. So many unanswered questions. I can imagine that this must make the temptation to read the diary very great.

My first thought was that someone who is planning to kill herself would likely get rid of things she wouldn't want others to see. Then again, you can't really think of a suicidal person in terms of what people in general do, can you? They aren't thinking in terms of consequences, they're thinking in terms of oblivion. Some people who commit suicide do have some consideration for consequences. They will do things like give away their possessions, write a suicide note, put plans in place for their children and dependents, stuff like that. But for others, all that stuff doesn't occur to them. They can only see death.

There are a number of possibilities. It's possible that your sister didn't get rid of her diary because part of her wanted it to be seen. It's possible that she really didn't want it to be seen. Maybe she forgot about it or was compromised in some way. It's possible that she didn't care about what happens in a world she will no longer be a part of.

With all of that considered, it's up to you and your family to make an informed decision. You know the details and pertinent factors that we don't. Consider also that reading this diary might leave you in a worse place than beforehand. You might see discover some things that you'll wrongly blame yourself for, read some nasty things about yourself that were never meant to be seen. It could actually make your life a lot more difficult than if you had left it alone. Whatever you do, do not go into this looking for answers. There can be any number of reasons for what is written there - a bad day, a stream-of-consciousness, anything.

Again, deepest condolences to you and your family. The suicide of your sister, how unthinkably awful. And only a year and a half ago too. I really can't imagine, I'm lucky to say. Stay strong.

LynnGrace

My sincere condolences on your very sad loss.
I would suggest keeping it safe, and in time, maybe, reading it. Things must be still very raw, so it may not be the time just yet to read it. Once again, I am so very sorry for your terrible loss.

StripedBoxers

My family is going through something similar at the moment too. A close family member took their own life only a few weeks ago, and now their parents are going through their stuff slowly, just bit by bit.

My relative didn't have a diary, but she did have a laptop her parents said recently that being able to access her laptop and look through her bits and pieces, and photos especially has helped them greatly. It's helped her siblings too.

I know a laptop is different to a diary, but if I were you, I wouldn't dump it, but if you are unsure about reading it now, then don't read it, just wrap it up and put it in a safe place and you could read it at a later date if you wanted too.

Suicide is the worst possible way for someone to pass away, for the family (and obviously the deceased) there are so many unanswered questions, so many thoughts, people (friends/family) wondering if they could have done something, anything at all.

Unfortunately those who suffer don't see what they do have - all they see is death and the pain they are suffering and feel that death is the only way to make that pain stop, but they don't see all the family, friends etc they leave behind, the pain, the upset, the devastation etc. it is absolutely heartbreaking but at least they are at peace now. I know, its no help, unfortunately grieving takes a long time, and affects everyone in different ways.

I agree with Big Bag of Chips about the bereavement counselling if you are having difficulties, and even without difficult, I think its something that will be majorly beneficial to you and your family, it might not work straight away, but stick with it, and you will see changes.

Good luck OP, I'm sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. I hope it all works out for you, and for your family.

GreeBo

I would echo the worry about what you might find if you read it.

indigo twist

I think you'd always regret dumping it, forever wondering what might have been. Whether you might have gotten some sort of answers that might have made it all easier.

At the same time, I think it could end up being very hurtful and upsetting to read it. How tragic would it be to read about how awful she may have felt towards the end, and knowing that you hadn't realised. It could put you back an awful lot in your recovery.

Then there's the fact that, really, it was hidden - not particularly well-hidden - but at the same time, it wasn't left in an obvious place, where she clearly wanted you to find it and read it. It's quite possible she'd forgotten about it altogether at the very end, she may have disposed of other bits and pieces, but never thought of this journal. I'd never read the journal of someone living, but it feels even worse to me to consider reading the journal of someone who's no longer around to justify or explain what was written and how they were feeling at that point in time.

I can't help but think that reading the journal will leave you with far more questions and sadness than before.

If anything, I would look at the last page that was written. If there's a message for you - if she MEANT for you to find the journal and read it - that's where she'd have left the message.

If I were in your position, I think I'd have to just pack it away safely somewhere for at least a few years, until everything has settled a little bit and the pain is a bit less raw.

beks101

So sorry for your loss OP.

If it was me, I would read it. It won't change the fact that your precious sister is gone and it certainly won't account for her death or alleviate your pain, but it was a little piece of who she was, and I can only imagine that's something I couldn't turn away from if I was in the same position.

Perhaps it will provoke more questions and more pain, but I think if I lost my little sister in such a way I would be filled with so many questions and so much pain anyway. The questioning and agonizing in the aftermath of a suicide never dissipates, I think you just learn to live with it over time.

Best of luck with your decision and please take care of yourself and your other sister. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Hotman

OP_2014 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

My little sister committed suicide a year and a half ago. There are no words to describe how I felt the day I found out or how I feel now. I'm still in shock and it hurts massively as we were very close. I'm still trying to figure everything out, time moves on but it doesn't justify what happened. I have no idea what drove my sister to do what she did. I understand that depression clouds your judgement, isolates you and in general, affects every aspect of your life but I still feel in the dark. I knew she was depressed but I didn't know she was suicidal. And although they both go hand in hand I just still can't believe it.

I travelled home from the UK yesterday, my older sister came home too. I had shared a bedroom with my little sister and wanted to clear out some of my old books/ clothes etc. Emma (my older sister) was helping out. She was clearing out my wardrobe when on the top shelf she found a journal, it was hidden at the back. She asked me was it mine before looking in it, but I have never kept a diary. We opened it and my little sister's name and age were written on the inside of the cover. We didn't read it but closed it when we copped on as to what it was. The age written on the inside of the diary was 19, that was the age she passed away.

My issue is whether or not we should read it or throw it away - as if we never came across it. On one hand, it was her private journal, I'm sure she didn't expect anyone to read it and I would feel quite guilty if I invaded her privacy like that. She was always very private and never appreciated anyone prying into her business. I'm also terrified to read it and what we will find if we do. On the other hand, if we read it I feel like we'll have some insight and most of all some closure. Maybe we could understand a little more, see things from her perspective. The journal is full - I can see from the paper at the side. But I'm unsure what to do. Emma thinks we should read it but I'm not entirely comfortable with that? Although if we throw it away, I might always regret the decision. Does anyone have any advice? I know it's ultimately our decision to make but some advice would be appreciated.

If i were you, i wouldn/t throw it away, I'd keep it somewhere safe, but i wouldn't read it. KNowing what that poor kid was going through that was so bad she thought she had to end it, isn't something i'd like to know about. Keep it, and keep it closed