Shes got me by the balls :/

blueb

hi all

Myself and my partner are splitting up, we have a 2 year old child together.
we are unmarried and i would like to be made a guardian of my child so i can be involved in her life and that she will be in the custody of me if anything happens to her mother.

She is moving to poland for 3 months then moving to the uk to be with family... im fine with this as if it was me i would want to be with the support of my family aswell.

we have agreed verbally that i will give her 120 euro each week that she is in poland and when she moves to uk i will give her a minamum of 90 euro each week, i will also give her 1500 when she moves to uk to get them set up in a house..

My issue is she wants me to sign an agreement saying i must visit at least twice a month and pay no less than 90 a week, also if i miss a visit i have to pay her 100 euro extra that week.. i plan to vist and pay as much as i can.. but theres bound to be weeks where i cant visit due to illness ect.

if i dont agree to these terms she wont give me guardianship!! i alread have moved home to my parents house and sold my car just to get ready for payments.. i make 24 grand a year before tax....... but she does not work

am i totaly screwed here or what!?

Just to emphasis i have no problem to pay my share and obviously will visit as much as i can... its just if i sign something and cant meet the terms at some point i get the feeling im going to be cut out of my kids life

January

She can't not give you guardianship you can bring her to court for it.

Moonbeam

Get it all legally drawn up to protect both of you.

Bigus

You need legal advice urgently before she leaves here.

Hunter456

go get legal advice ASAP.

bajer101

I wouldn't agree to any of this. Go to the family court straight away and seek an emergency hearing for guardianship. The clerks in the court will assist you. Tell the judge that you wish to request an abridgement in the time for the service of the summons to her (a reduction in the amount of time that she has to acknowledge receipt of the summons), as you believe she could be a flight risk. Once this case is officially before the courts, the court technically has guardianship rights over the child and therefore the child is protected by the Hague Convention. I would also seek sole custody, or at the very least joint custody and also request whatever access you think is best for you and your child.

She cannot prevent you from getting guardianship. She can voluntarily agree to you become a guardian by signing a statutory declaration, but she cannot prevent you from gaining guardianship through the courts. Maintenance payments have nothing to do with guardianship or access rights. If someone is starting to use these sorts of threats, it is time to get things done legally.

just for the record, why are you ok with someone taking your child? The child is an Irish citizen and its habitual residence is Ireland. I don't know the exact details of your situation, but you don't have to agree to this. If you genuinely believe that it is in your child's best interests, then fair enough. But don't just automatically assume that. Does the child have an extended family here? What will the child's environment be like in the new countries? In what country will the child have a better quality of life? Education, healthcare, and other social services? If you don't believe that it is in your child's best interests to be removed from the country then your ex-partner will have to go to court to seek permission to legally remove the child. There is an assumption that a child is better of with its mother and that's the end of it, but that's simply not true and every case is dealt with on its own merits.

Paddy Cow

blueb wrote: »

we have agreed verbally that i will give her 120 euro each week that she is in poland and when she moves to uk i will give her a minamum of 90 euro each week, i will also give her 1500 when she moves to uk to get them set up in a house..

..........

am i totaly screwed here or what!?

I am no solicitor but yes, I think you are being screwed. Not only is she taking your child out of the country but it seems like she expects you to pay for her to do so. Why would you agree to this? The advice in the above post is brilliant. Go and get your guardianship and rights and see how quickly she changes her tune when she realises she no longer has you by the balls.

I grew up without a father (he passed away) and while my mother did her best, at times it sucked. I can't stand it when mother's go out of their way to make life difficult for decent fathers. There are plenty of dead beat dads out there but you are not one of them and both you and your child deserve to be treated better. You are a father, not an ATM.

bajer101

BTW OP, I should have said that if you need any help with this, please feel free to PM me. I've been through this before.

pwurple

As above, get legal advice, sharpish.

I can't remember what the cohabitation rules are when there is a child, is it 2 years? It sounds like you have no major assets anyway to be claimed.

Don't sign any agreement without legal advice. Go pay a solicitor. The blackmail thing she is pulling is abhorrant.

bajer101

pwurple wrote: »

As above, get legal advice, sharpish.

I can't remember what the cohabitation rules are when there is a child, is it 2 years? It sounds like you have no major assets anyway to be claimed.

Don't sign any agreement without legal advice. Go pay a solicitor. The blackmail thing she is pulling is abhorrant.

Cohabitation rules are irrelevant when it comes to child welfare. This has nothing to do with assets. He doesn't have to pay a solicitor (yet, if at all.) All the OP has to do is go to the court and talk to the clerks and they will advise and help.

pwurple

bajer101 wrote: »

Cohabitation rules are irrelevant when it comes to child welfare. This has nothing to do with assets. He doesn't have to pay a solicitor (yet, if at all.) All the OP has to do is go to the court and talk to the clerks and they will advise and help.

If she is looking for money, of course assets come into it! She can easily start claiming what's his is now hers.

kev1.3s

Sounds very much to me like she is trying to bleed you dry. In my opinion you can keep any arrangement informal only if both party's accept reasonable terms. I wouldn't be signing anything until you speak to a solicitor.
As a matter of interest when this child moves to Poland how much access are you going to have?

amdublin

Why does she want 120 per week when she is in Poland, but 90 when she in the UK?
I would have thought the cost of living would be lower in Poland and higher in the UK.

blueb

when shes in poland she will not be working but will be working in the UK
She has agreed to see a mediator and the a family solicitor which is good.

The Corinthian

Just to repeat what others have said about being able to get guardianship via the courts, to begin proceedings to do so before she leaves the state and to seek professional legal advice.

Assets were mentioned and being unmarried while she is legally entitled to claim child maintenance from you, she would not have a claim for maintenance for herself or towards your assets, unless you have been cohabiting for two years or more, in which case she does and you should seek professional legal advice even faster.

As to her demands, she appears to be trying to cover herself both financially and the interests of the child, but in doing so she's making the all too common mistake of looking from only her narrow perspective.

For example, she's not considering if she can't meet the terms of the agreement. Neither is she considering the cost of such visits; even with cheap flights and presuming accommodation at her place, there's travel to and from the airport, other travel expenses and the fact that such visits are actually quite expensive when actually there, and all that can add up. Can you even afford it on 24k a year?

Perhaps if you offer to sign if you agree to pay 150 euro per week, less the costs of travel/accommodation, and include a caveat that if she fails to provide access that you deduct 100 euro from maintenance, it may make her think again and bring home to her the reality of the situation to her.

Finally, I believe strongly that giving in to blackmail, which is what this is, is also never a good idea, btw. It just means that you'll invite blackmail again and again.

But first and foremost seek professional legal advice.

blueb

I would like to thank everyone for the valuable advice.

Moderator please close this thread

Thank you

AndyBoBandy

The Corinthian wrote: »

But first and foremost seek professional legal advice.

Absolutely.

this will be the most important legal advice you are ever likely to receive in your life, so do it. do it now.

get off the internet, get yourself into a court and start the process ASAP

Big Bag of Chips

It is commendable that you understand her need to move closer to family, but be aware that you shouldn't have to do all the travelling to try maintain a relationship with your child. She should try to accommodate you as much as possible by travelling back here occasionally too.

Legal advice is vital here. I hope everything settles down for you and you come to an arrangement that is fair on everyone.