Should I tell my ex that I still love her?

LegacyUser

I was with her (long distance - she lived in England) for two years. Things started to collapse a bit due to the distance, the spark we once had was lost, things started to descend into routine, and eventually she broke up with me.

The advice from everyone at the time was to forget her, improve myself, and move on. I didn't take it. She meant way too much to me and I knew there was still something left.

We struggled through 4 months of post-breakup hell and eventually emerged as really good friends who spoke almost every single day for almost a year. We even booked a holiday abroad together, which I'm just back from.

This was the first time we'd seen each other since before the breakup, so we were both worried about awkwardness, but there was none. We clicked immediately and it was like we’d met again for the first time. We cuddled in bed, held hands when we went out to dinner. I honestly never felt as close to her, and she said the same.

But we never kissed. She told me she's seeing someone else, but wouldn't go into details. They're not in a relationship though. At least not yet.

We’ve said goodbye plenty of times before, but this time it was so different. She cried. She never cried before.

We have plans to meet again around Christmas, assuming neither of us are in a relationship.

I know the distance still exists, but by May I’ll have graduated and will likely be moving significantly closer to her to find work anyway. I think she knows how I feel, but I can’t be sure.

Do I tell her something now while the time we just spent is fresh in our minds, or hope we can see each other at Christmas and tell her then (assuming she's no longer with the other guy)?

beks101

Oh God. My stomach flipped reading your post OP. This is not a healthy scenario for you AT ALL.

Put simply, you can't be best buddies with this woman because you are in love with her. You can't be her crutch, her shoulder to cry on, her mate to go on holidays with and spoon at night because it's not fair on you. She gets that with you and then she gets the sex and the romance and the butterflies with someone else.

I'm wondering if she cried when you said goodbye because it was closure to her, that in her head this was a final 'send off', the final stamp on the end of her relationship with you? Maybe she knew that things would never be the same again? Did she fall out of love with you but still has some deep love and affection for you, as can often happen?

I can't stress how unhealthy and emotionally dangerous this scenario is for you if that's the case. Why didn't you kiss? If you're lying in the same bed with someone and falling asleep with someone who you have this amazing chemistry and connection with, it's very difficult to keep things from escalating if the feeling's mutual. I'm not sure I could do it.

I think these are all questions that you need to ask your ex face to face, and you need to spell out exactly what your feelings are. Not 'I'm in love with you but I'm happy to be friends'. It's 'I'm in love with you and if you don't feel the same, I can't hang around and be your best buddy'. If she doesn't feel the same, for your own sake you need to cut contact and get over her.

Have that conversation before she falls in love with this other guy and your heart ends up getting thrown for a further loop.

LegacyUser

She broke up with you and now she's seeing someone else while doing all that on holidays with you. I would think very little of someone who'd do that and I wouldn't trust them again, certainly not enough to tolerate another 8 months of long-distance, which didn't work in the past anyway.
I'm at a loss to see how you imagine this could go well and I think you should now take the advice you were given the first time around.

FurBabyMomma

beks101 wrote: »

Oh God. My stomach flipped reading your post OP. This is not a healthy scenario for you AT ALL.

Put simply, you can't be best buddies with this woman because you are in love with her. You can't be her crutch, her shoulder to cry on, her mate to go on holidays with and spoon at night because it's not fair on you. She gets that with you and then she gets the sex and the romance and the butterflies with someone else.

I'm wondering if she cried when you said goodbye because it was closure to her, that in her head this was a final 'send off', the final stamp on the end of her relationship with you? Maybe she knew that things would never be the same again? Did she fall out of love with you but still has some deep love and affection for you, as can often happen?

I can't stress how unhealthy and emotionally dangerous this scenario is for you if that's the case. Why didn't you kiss? If you're lying in the same bed with someone and falling asleep with someone who you have this amazing chemistry and connection with, it's very difficult to keep things from escalating if the feeling's mutual. I'm not sure I could do it.

I think these are all questions that you need to ask your ex face to face, and you need to spell out exactly what your feelings are. Not 'I'm in love with you but I'm happy to be friends'. It's 'I'm in love with you and if you don't feel the same, I can't hang around and be your best buddy'. If she doesn't feel the same, for your own sake you need to cut contact and get over her.

Have that conversation before she falls in love with this other guy and your heart ends up getting thrown for a further loop.

^^^ This is sound advice and I'd take it before you get messed around, friend - zoned and ultimately have your heart broken again.

December2012

You're not friends - you don't cuddle and hold hands with friends.

Did you ask her about her feelings while you were away?

If I were you, I would clear the air for once and for all. Then she either wants you and you guys work at it. Or she doesn't. And you have to pull yourself back from this relationship

Into The Blue

Ah mate. This is brutal for you. No offence to your ex, but she's getting the best of both worlds and You're getting strung along for her soft landing.

Just because ye click is no reason to think there's a relationship there.. I click with all of my female friends, but that's the end of it.

Strike a line under this,
Get out and find someone who you more than just click with.

blankblank

Id confront her - tell her how you feel and gauge her reaction.

If this other person is not dropped immediately in favour of you, if there is any hesitation at all then walk away for good.

Shes having her cake and eating it, time to end that

car.kar

Replace your ex with one of your good guy mates. Would you cuddle in bed with him and hold hands at dinner?

You are not 'just friends', you're clearly not over her. If you want to be get over her, you need to cut contact for a long time.

And can I just add - if she's seeing someone, she shouldn't be booking holidays with her ex and cuddling with him. That's inappropriate and totally unfair on both you and the guy she's seeing.