Nearly 5 years, have had enough

sarah_101

Hi all,

Ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and I honestly could see myself spending my life with him. Were 21 and 22 but have recently in the last 8 months argued a lot. Im constantly saying Ive had enough of his crap, and yet I cannot seem to stick with my decision of ending things.

For example, we fight about him smoking with his friends as it turns him into a different person. My mother was in hospital last summer and I never felt supported as I never received loving messages or phone calls. And this morning my dog was ran over and I tried calling him when I found out but no answer. And i just received a text from him (after i told him how upset I was about the accident) and he said he's out drinking with his friends.

Am I being over-bearing and dramatic? His lack of communication and letting me know what is going on is something that really bothers me, and I know I don't want to be with this version of him anymore. He isn't the same person I fell in love with.

He says he'll never change and yet I still cannot walk away as I start to miss him and wonder what he's doing when I do.

Help

Stavro Mueller

First off, sorry to read about your dog I've been there and it's heartbreaking.

The first thing that leapt out at me from the screen is your ages. You might not realise it yet but people can change a lot from their mid teens into their twenties. You've been with your boyfriend since you were quite young and maybe the relationship has run its course. You've said he isn't the same person you fell in love with and this is very true. There's a world of difference between a 17 year old lad and a 22 year old man. You'll have changed as well of course.

Part of your issue is that you've been with your bf so long you've forgotten what it's like to be like to be single. That of course and you loving the person he used to be. It is hard to close the door on such a big part of your life but let's face it, you're not happy with him any more.

It looks like this relationship has run its course. He sounds like he doesn't care to be honest and quite possibly is still with you because it's all he knows. Is he already starting to live the life of a single man and is only with you for convenience? You've been through two very upsetting times now (your mum and your dog) and he hasn't been there to support you. That in itself tells you all you need to know about where you figure in his list of priorities. I'm sure he knows you loved your dog yet he's happier to go drinking with his mates.

He has told you he'll never change - it's time to take this on board and finish things. Keep yourself busy. Catch up with your friends etc. and learn to live without him in your life. It's not going to be easy but in the long term you'll thank yourself.

freshpopcorn

I think ye're both young and ye were young when the relationship started and ye kind of stuck in a rut.
If he wants to smoke that's his business. As long as he's spending his own money on it and he's not blowing smoke into your face it's his life. ( I say this as a non smoker(cigerettes or whatever) and somebody who hates smoking)
As regarding your mother. I hope she meet a full recovery. I suppose it depends what was wrong with your mother to be honest. Did he ask how she was every day or every couple of days or did he totally egnore she was ill? I'd be the sort of person who would ask my oh how their mother was and if they need help with anything but I wouldn't be into all these love/dovey messages.
Sorry to hear about your dog. I lost a good few pets over the years and now I'm so used to it it doesn't bother me. I also grew up on a farm so this might be the reason the way I am. Pets are lovely but sometimes they get run over/die of illness and when this happens. They are burried a couple of fields away or sent to the incinerator and that's that. I would miss the pet but I wouldn't get all sad/crying over them. I know both women/men who'd be like this.
If I'm being honest I don't think your boyfriend is commited as much as you to the relationship. I also think that ye have changed over the years and he's not the person you fell in love with anymore.

kjl

Ordinarily I try to tell people to work it out, but in this case I think a break from each other wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

You have been together since you were young and as previous posters have stated you have both changed since then.

If you break up now, there is nothing stopping you from getting back together in a few years, but right now I would say you should see what life is like without each other.

Most of the relationship I've seen that span from teenage years into mid to late twenties always fizzle out and truthfully I don't think you guys are Corey and Topanga.

Stay with him by all means but you might wake up in a few years and realise you have wasted the one time in your life where you can be free and have fun on someone who won't even console you when something negative happens in your life.

sarah_101

Thanks for your messages, you have no idea how much I needed to hear those things. My last message to him was on the night he decided to go out (before my boards post), stating that i was finished with him and his crap. He has only messaged a one line text twice since i text him that, so I guess it just proves how much he really cared (not at all).

I intend to continue ignoring any contact with him and have kept busy as you all advised.

Thanks again, I'll most likely be looking for more advice soon!

keithclancy

sarah_101 wrote: »

Hi all,

Ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and I honestly could see myself spending my life with him. Were 21 and 22 but have recently in the last 8 months argued a lot. Im constantly saying Ive had enough of his crap, and yet I cannot seem to stick with my decision of ending things.

For example, we fight about him smoking with his friends as it turns him into a different person. My mother was in hospital last summer and I never felt supported as I never received loving messages or phone calls. And this morning my dog was ran over and I tried calling him when I found out but no answer. And i just received a text from him (after i told him how upset I was about the accident) and he said he's out drinking with his friends.

Am I being over-bearing and dramatic? His lack of communication and letting me know what is going on is something that really bothers me, and I know I don't want to be with this version of him anymore. He isn't the same person I fell in love with.

He says he'll never change and yet I still cannot walk away as I start to miss him and wonder what he's doing when I do.

Help

The point where you do not feel like you are yourself anymore, it is time to call it quits.

Stavro Mueller

sarah_101 wrote: »

Thanks for your messages, you have no idea how much I needed to hear those things. My last message to him was on the night he decided to go out (before my boards post), stating that I was finished with him and his crap. He has only messaged a one line text twice since I text him that, so I guess it just proves how much he really cared (not at all).

I intend to continue ignoring any contact with him and have kept busy as you all advised.

Thanks again, I'll most likely be looking for more advice soon!

If you want to do this properly, cutting contact with him is the only way to get over him. If you've got a smartphone it's easy to block his number. Your danger here is that he'll find himself at a loose end (and horny) some evening and try to get you back at least for the short term. You're still fragile so the last thing you need is this guy trying to get back with you. Try not to let the person he was years ago blind you to the sort of person he is now.

You should also block/delete him from Facebook. You could fall into the trap of checking his Facebook page to keep tab on his movements. The last thing you need is to see photos of him with some woman draped around him.