No Money, husband ill and helpless

LegacyUser

This was my thread last Christmas. It will give you a little bit of back ground to my story

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057108283&page=2

I am sitting here waiting on a call from the bank at 2.30pm to fill in a SFS. We are in arrears, the arrears I spoek about at Christmas have grown and I just don’t know where to turn. 3 months. I have paid it every month since the new year except I didn’t have it once and was late a couple of times. My oldest child is just 4 and I have 2 younger ones. I just don’t know what to do. My husband was sel f employed and so am I. I waited until the end of February before I got paid the money I spoke about in the first thread and it was owed and gone before it hit my account
At Christmas we had no money as you can read in my first thread but my husband was doing ok, now his cancer has returned and at present he is in hospital getting treatment. Hopefully this will work. He is in a very low mood. So I try and be all cheery around him and hide all the worries from him. He can’t cope with any kind of stress now.
I can back from work to find that a registered letter from a solicitor action on behalf of the credit card company with a court order for €3772.00. I fell into arrears late last year and I did engage with them but with all going on, often not within the time scale required by them. I contacted the solicitor 3 weeks ago to say I would get in a statement of accounts but them my husband ended up back in hospital and with 3 kids, work, and trying to keep all going I only sent them on Friday but a court order was issued on the 5th. What am I going to do? That's the end of my credit rating.
This post is such a mess, I hope you can read it. My mother is 84 and had a stroke and not in good health, my brother has his own worries and his was was Diagnose with breast and Secondary cancers in April. My in laws are of no help and won’t even look after the kids while I visit my husband. I have a childminder who is wonderful and a friend who looks after then while I have to work away. I can’t talk to anyone about this and feel like I am falling apart. The tears are rolling down my face and my tummy is heaving.
I have a total of €101.24 to my name. I went to the social welfare 4 weeks ago and took in all my accounts but as I earn to much.... I was told by the social welfare inspector that they are there to stop people starving and NOT to pay for my mortgage or childcare. I didn’t ask them to, I just needed something to help. I explained its a cash flow thing and we are now on 1 income but I got turned down.
I work for myself as a consultant and one company I worked for this year went bust owing me €25,000.I was in contact with the receiver and I am at the end of the list and was told it is very unlightly I will ever see that money. That was my one chance to get back on track. That was months of work.
It takes so long to get paid that when I do it is already owed and I end up with nothing left. I own the childminder for the last month and she has reduced the fees by 1/3 but has said as much as she understands that if this goes on she will have to give me notice. I know I have a cheque for a small job coming in tomorrow for €370.00 and should have another for €450 in by the weekend. I did a fairly big job last week which will be worth over €4000 and as it was the other side of the country. I couldn’t afford a b&B or hotel so I slept in the car for 3 nights. Freshened up, changed and did my make up in public toilets. I bought bread and ham and ate that in the car. I really felt like such a waste of space. It will be at least 4-6 weeks efore I get paid for that if I am lucky. I also have a number of stuff I did for skillnets that the companys still haven’t paid them so I won’t get paid until they do and that can take months.

I got a letter today also form Electric Ireland looking for the 800 plus I owe them. I couldn’t pay the bills when they came in and they kept on rolling. I spoke to them and they where really nice and set up a payment plan that I pay €25 euro per week but when my husband went back into hospital with the added expense I couldn’t pay it the last 3 weeks. Going to phone them after I speak to the bank.
I am worried I will cry when the lady from the bank on the phones or that we will lose our home. I bought a €1 scratch card to day in the hope I would win €5000 2 which would change our life..no such luck.

My 4 year old old me she hate me and that I am the worstest(!) mammy in the whole world, that I am always cross and mean. I am and it kills me that my children see this.
I am not even sure why I am writing this, I suppose I just want someone to know how I feel. I am crying so hard here I don’t even know how I am going to talk to the bank.
Thank you for reading xx

freshpopcorn

So, sorry to hear about your situation.
I remember your thread from last time.
I don't have much advice to offer you/
Could you contact Saint Vincents de Paul for assistants or have you any large arrests such as a car that you could sell?

Rubberchikken

hi can't breathe
i genuinely don't know what to say.
i'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your family.

for now, speak to the bank. surely there is some arrangement they can make. after all what do they actually gain by making a family homeless if that's what there are heading towards?

you're supporting everyone but there's noone there for you.
is there any way your in-laws could step in and help with the children?

I'm sorry i have nothing of any use to post. but i wish you all the best.

take care.

bp

Is there anything practical us on boards could do - groceries for a few days. If you are local enough to me I could drop some basics around so it is one less thing to worry about.

I am so sorry you are in this situation and I really hope you get paid and your husband's health improves

Xxx

Magicmatilda

Have you contacted MABS?

Is there anything you can sell? Car, clothes, electrical goods, shoes, jewellry?

Have you a spare room you can rent out - even Monday to Friday?

Can you look to sell the house? Is it in negative equity?

Where in the country are you based, there may be a free counselling service nearby that you could get a few sessions just to sort your head out.

Have you any friends? You should talk to them, it will help.

I am really trying to think or practical solutions.

Try and take a few deep breaths. Remember you are healthy at the moment.

There is an organisation called the hub, that help people for free in dealing with banks. You might find them on facebook or through google.

Kalimah

You poor thing. I am so sorry that your husband is sick and that finances are bad. I know how money worries can turn you into a heap of absolute misery. I can only offer as someone else did, a few basics to keep you going. Talk to St V de P about the ESB, bill if nothing else. Vent to friends or here. We'll all give you moral support. Look after yourself as much as you can.

amdublin

My god you poor thing. You are being very strong.

Do you have any relatives that can help you financially??

I think you need to contact St Vincent De Paul.


P's. I second if there is anything i can do from here on boards??

fits

I donate to St Vincent de Paul to help people like you. Please contact them, they can be really great.

wakeboarding

You poor thing! I definitely would go to MABS if you haven't done so already. Is there no one that you can ask to bail you out (so to speak) with your husband being sick i would say family would completely understand your predicament. I would take yourself off to the doctors too and get checked out as you CANNOT carry all of this by yourself and may need help (as in counselling) you have done an amazing job already so please don't give up! The kids obviously see your under pressure so I can relate to that but you know what they will be fine - they have a knack of bouncing back! Look after yourself x

Meathlass

OP, definitely contact Vincent de Paul - I don't know what area of the country you are in but you can find your local office on this website. http://www.svp.ie/get-help/contact-your-local-office.aspx #

I'm on my way out to my local VdP meeting this evening and we help people in your circumstances all the time so don't be afraid of asking for help.

Meauldsegosha

You seem to have a lot of trouble getting paid for work you do. Instead of consultancy work can you do something more permenant until you are back on your feet?

roseybear

see can you speak to the social worker in the hospital your husband is in. If there's none, get In touch with your local hse health centre (was the public health nurse ever out to your husband) and see can they send a referral to the social worker - I'm not sure if they can do Anything or not but it could be just another person to bounce things off.

carolinespring

You poor poor woman. My heart breaks for you. I for one would find it a honor if you would allow me to gift you €500. I know its not a lot and wish I could offer you more. Maybe the mods could come up with some way that I can get the money passed onto you.

You are amazing.

dellas1979

bp wrote: »

Is there anything practical us on boards could do - groceries for a few days. If you are local enough to me I could drop some basics around so it is one less thing to worry about.

I second this OP. Am in the Limerick/Tipp area, if I can help with anything food-wise (or anything practical that might help you).

indigo twist

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

You seem to have a lot of trouble getting paid for work you do. Instead of consultancy work can you do something more permenant until you are back on your feet?

My thoughts exactly. With the big projects you're getting on big fees, you're obviously good at what you do, and well-known in your industry. Would you not just use your contacts and go for a job in the private sector - you might get paid less, but at least you'll GET paid.

You can always of course freelance on the side, if you choose to do so.

In your position, I'd be willing to take any regular job, even on half the money, even in an unrelated field, so long as I was taking in money to feed the kids (and earning it doesn't count if you're not actually receiving it!)

dudara

Get in touch with the SVdP - they are an excellent resource for people who are in difficulty. My parents in law are involved with their local SVdP and I'm constantly amazed by the amount of good work they do.

Also, I think that seeking permanent, salaried employment might be a good option for you right now. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but having two self-employed people in a marriage with kids, a mortgage and now an illness is a risky business.

fits

dudara wrote: »

Get in touch with the SVdP - they are an excellent resource for people who are in difficulty. My parents in law are involved with their local SVdP and I'm constantly amazed by the amount of good work they do.

.

You probably don't know half of what they do, or at least you shouldn't. I spoke in depth to a lovely lady last week and she told me some of the efforts they go to, to ensure people maintain their privacy. She also emphasised that anyone at all could look to them for assistance and you would be surprised by who they help out. All kinds.

Mikros

OP, I'm so sorry for the trouble you are going through. You sound like a wonderful wife and mother and to have all this land on your shoulders - I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is. I'm not sure if words of support from a random stranger on the internet can carry any weight, but for what they are worth you have mine.

As others has said talk to your local SVdP to help you get out of immediate trouble with the electricity. I would also get in touch with MABS to try and begin a process of getting your debts restructured where possible so you can keep your head above water in the short term. I hope something can be done for you, and if there was something more practical I could offer I would.

Neyite

OP, MABS will help negotiate your bills and debts with creditors. They will help you organise your finances and arrears so that those people calling you back off and give you space to breathe. If I recall correctly, once the creditors make an agreement with MABS about a payment plan, they cant disregard it. They have to legally stick to it.

They have offices nationwide, so please do call them.

Then call SVdp. If nothing else, they could help with your rent or utilities, or things the kids need, or groceries. But they will help you so much.

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time, you've shown incredible strength this past year, and I hope that things improve for you soon.

eviltwin

OP I am in tears reading your post. My own situation is we are also in arrears and going through the repossession process, we personally didn't get much help from MABS. I would recommend contacting either New Beginnings or Irish Mortgage Holders who will give you lots of practical help and having someone on your side is a huge comfort.

OP I wish I had some way of helping, I can offer you groceries or anything practical. I'm in Dublin. Please remember you are not alone, stay strong xx

m'lady

OP I've no further advice than what has already been offered. I PM'd you when you previously posted offering you a bit of help (groceries).. I'm in Cavan/meath area and if I can help please pm me.

I hope things improve somewhat for you and your family x.

Mr. Incognito

DebtBusting wrote: »

<snip>

I have checked that site. It is a subscription service which is littered with legal nonsense.

You cannot make a unilateral contract by correspondence. You cannot trademark your name unless it has acquired an exploited distinctive character.

Post reported as spamming.

Op please please get in touch with svdp

stalebread

My heart goes out to you.
Please keep strong for your children and your husband.
You can't give them what you haven't got so it is pointless worrying and getting yourself down. Hope this gives you some comfort and I wish you all the best

JillyQ

Op my heart goes out to you. I am self employed myself & have someone very close to me going through cancer as well. As other posters here have said contact mabs & the vdep. You should also contact your auditors they maybe able to chase the monies outstanding to you.

hagoonabear

Svp will help brilliantly especially with paying towards your bills and put you in the direction of other charities that can help , one in my town actually helps take kids away everyday like a free creche which could help out with your child minder costs . you should really look into employed work as it would be stable and you colud still do self employed work if it isnt too stressful for you , look after yourself OP you and your husband.

Taltos

Don't want to be the grouch here but can I please remind all posters that PM'ing on foot of posts in this forum is strictly prohibited. A new thread was recently opened on this due to some posters ignoring this and a resulting mess that bled into real life. I know it might seem heartless but this rule is as much to protect the posters here as it is to protect the OP.

Thanks
Taltos

Teachm

Cant breathe.I think you have been amazingly strong for so long,caring for three small children
And your sick husband still managing to get some work and essentially doing it all on your own.that type of long term stress is horrendous.lots of good advice from other posters, mabs,v de p,try to get other work,sell assets.i can't offer any practical help but advise you to find someone to talk to ,cry with .i understand about your mother and brother but maybe your brother might be emotional support for you and you for him?have you a good friend you can talk to?or go to a good GP.sorry I can't offer more than good wishes and admiration for how you have managed so far.as regards your daughter saying what she did,ignore.i ve been told that lots of times by my two.its what children say.I know that's hard when you are so stressed out.as far as I can see they have a wonderful mum who is doing her utmost.i really hope that you get some help or change in luck soon .if you cd take a break from mortgage for a time till you oh is back at work.i know you don't want to worry or stress him but this is too big a load on your own.has he any brothers or sisters that can help out even with minding children.
Am here on boards for you .hope it gets easier soon.

LegacyUser

The Irish Cancer Society has a hardship fund to help families get through any financial hurdle that occurs when a cancer diagnosis makes things difficult.

Please contact the Cancer care team which treats your husband.
I'm horrified that the social worker couldn't offer you the support you deserve.
Your priority is your husband's recovery,then your children's welfare.But your own emotional needs can't be ignored.

Best of luck and try to think positive.

bp

Taltos wrote: »

Don't want to be the grouch here but can I please remind all posters that PM'ing on foot of posts in this forum is strictly prohibited. A new thread was recently opened on this due to some posters ignoring this and a resulting mess that bled into real life. I know it might seem heartless but this rule is as much to protect the posters here as it is to protect the OP.

Thanks
Taltos

I know we cannot pm or ask for a pm but would it be possible for a moderator to ask the OP if any of the offers here of assistance could be passed on or honoured - I know that is not your job but a number of us want to help, even to get a food shop delivered to their home - we could do it without learning the OPs personal details such as name or address.

Thank you and sorry if it was inappropriate to ask the above but I know that I just really want to help her in anyway possible

chuckles30

Given the policy highlighted by the mod here, why don't the people who want to help make a donation to their local branch of St Vincent de Paul? Lots of people in every area in financial straights like the OP.

OP - you should also go to your local St Vincent de Paul as they will be able to help you out. Also check out local cancer support groups or as suggested already the Irish Cancer society. I know our local cancer support group provide some financial aid to help with travel expenses etc.

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply and offer to help. It means so much. I needed to voice how I fell.
I spoke to a lovely lady from the bank yesterday and was in tears within minutes, she was so nice. Took her time allowed me to calm myself. We went over a SFS and she is going to push for interest only repayments for 12 month, she did stress that it was what she would be putting forward but it is not her who makes the decision. They will send out all the info and I will have to reply within 20 days including accounts, bank statements, tax clearance cert etc
I will have to make this month payment but hopefully from October it will be interest only for a period of time.

1.I want to answer some of the questions some of you had to give a clearer picture.
Is there anything you can sell? Car, clothes, electrical goods, shoes, jewellry?

No, I sold my engagement ring and any decent stuff back in March to pay the bills. My car is a 2004 and I need it to get the kids around and to get to work.

2.Have you a spare room you can rent out - even Monday to Friday?
No, we live in a 4 bed house and at present my husband needs his own room, 2 of the girls share a room and the youngest is in the box room. My husband is so bad tempered at the moment we could not have anyone live with us when he returns from hospital. Plus not much call for it in the area we live

3.Can you look to sell the house? Is it in negative equity?
The house at present is worth half what we paid for it. If it was sold we would still be left owing and have to rent

4.Where in the country are you based, there may be a free counselling service nearby that you could get a few sessions just to sort your head out.
The West of Ireland. I have looked into counselling but its is money and time I don’t have right now. I spoke to my doctor back in feb/march and he gave me lexipro. Massive waiting list for free counselling.

5.Have you any friends? You should talk to them, it will help.
Yes, I do have Friends, they are great. Take the kids over night when I have to work. Look after them when I go to the hospital. They don’t have cash to help and I just can’t talk about this. I feel if I do I will fall apart and I need to keep going so please understand that.

6.Would I speak to MABS?

I did and to be honest I found the lady not all that helpful or supportive. She gave me the form for a medical card which I filled out and so far have only had requests for more information. The lady from MABS said she would be in touch with me the following week and when I heard nothing and called 4 weeks later, I was told she was gone on maternity leave. Perhaps I should go back.

7.Would my in laws help with the kids or money?

No, they don’t visit them and hardly visit my husband

8.Would I contact the ST DeVP?

The funny this is I used to work with them when I was living Dublin in my 20’s.I joined the local one here for a while when I but left as they tend to talk about cases outside and I live in a small town so I know most of the members and they are mainly in their 70’s and old school. I am trying to build myself up to ring head office and asking to meet with another conference and not my local one.

9.Can I look for full time employment?

I was made redundant from my job in 2008 and set up my own business. I have been applying for jobs but no luck.

10.What can you do to help

Just let me rant, knowing that someone is reading my story helps. I slept for the first time in weeks last nigh. I thank each of you for your kind offers. Feels so good to know I am not totally alone in the world.

I feel so, I just don't know. I can't put it into words. Empty, lost, afriad, not really sure anymore. I feel my kids are missing out on a childhood and that they are not going to have good memories. I am ashamed to admit that I did think how much easier my life would be if my husband died, at least the mortgage would be paid off and we would have the life insurance. What a utter evil bitch I am for even thinking that for a split second. I love him so much, he is my life and the father of my 3 beautiful children but it is so hard going on. I sometimes envy him his illness and wish that the roles were reversed and that it was me sick and him having to cope, than I feel so guilty for thinking such a thing and it make me feel so bad.

Taltos

I know we cannot pm or ask for a pm but would it be possible for a moderator to ask the OP if any of the offers here of assistance could be passed on or honoured - I know that is not your job but a number of us want to help, even to get a food shop delivered to their home - we could do it without learning the OPs personal details such as name or address.

Thank you and sorry if it was inappropriate to ask the above but I know that I just really want to help her in anyway possible

OK all

normally the post above would result in a minimum of a yellow card. PI is strictly moderated, we don't have one set of rules for one issue and another set for some other topic.
If people wish to help please use the facilities in your communities, eg St Vincent de Paul. PI is not equipped to handle such requests, the mods here are all volunteers, just like the posters.

While I understand and think it's great you want to help this forum is an advice forum, we cannot facilitate all such requests, we have to trust people know of the tools our there and where they don't people here can advise. Saying this however any further off topic posts will result in moderator action up to and including closing this thread.

Regrettably
Taltos

Neyite

OP, with regard to point 4: Counselling, there is a counselling service - online- that is provided by an organisation that partners with Boards - you can pm them in confidence from a registered account: Turn2me.org. They may be able to offer you free counselling. I do think you need someone impartial to be there for you when you are so busy being there for others.

MissFlitworth

Can't breathe wrote: »

What a utter evil bitch I am for even thinking that for a split second.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. You're not. Not a bit. It's just fear and panic and stress. You've so much other stuff going on on you at the moment that you are entirely responsible for holding together, don't let feeling guilty at panicky thoughts your brain is throwing at you add to your burden. You're just a good person with a huge amount on your plate.

bp

Taltos wrote: »

OK all

normally the post above would result in a minimum of a yellow card. PI is strictly moderated, we don't have one set of rules for one issue and another set for some other topic.
If people wish to help please use the facilities in your communities, eg St Vincent de Paul. PI is not equipped to handle such requests, the mods here are all volunteers, just like the posters.

While I understand and think it's great you want to help this forum is an advice forum, we cannot facilitate all such requests, we have to trust people know of the tools our there and where they don't people here can advise. Saying this however any further off topic posts will result in moderator action up to and including closing this thread.

Regrettably
Taltos

Sorry for the post - can delete it you wish, but yes will give to SvP this weekend

bp

OP, you are not a horrible person you are only human and trying to hold yourself and your family together. I hope you get some relief on your mortgage and it eases the burden on you and your family.

As for your daughter she doesn't mean it - I think we all told a parent that at least once (20 times) as children! Keep strong and talk to people

eviltwin

OP I take my hat off to you, you're an amazing woman

LegacyUser

Hi OP
You are doing so well just to keep going. My heart goes out to you. Just to let you know, while there are huge waiting lists for counselling in some services there are independent community Orgs who also run counselling services. Many of these will provide counselling for a very small fee or even free. They receive funding in order to do this. Many are located in the likes of women's centres in various counties. I know you said you were in the west and there is such a service in Roscommon and I think mayo also. Might be worth a shot if it's anywhere near you. Don't be hard on yourself. You are doing an amazing job looking after your family and they are lucky to have you.

Tramps Like Us

Do the SFS and get on to MABS.

The bank will do pretty much whatever possible to come to some sort of arrangement with you, I wouldn't be worrying too much at this stage with your level of arrears

biketard

You're amazing, OP. I just wanted to say that.

Meathlass

Definitely ring Head Office and ask a SVP conference from the next town/ or even regional head office to visit.

Greenduck

Plenty of centres offer very low cost of free counselling, however you may have to speak with a trainee or pre-accredited therapist. You could try some local centres to see if they offer this.

Jenneke87

It's people like you that have my utmost respect. There's nothing I can do to help you(and believe me if I could I would) and my heart goes out to you.

KatW4

I hope everything works out for you OP. You're doing an amazing job and your children will appreciate everything you're doing for them even if it doesn't seem that way now.

EmilyHoward

Hi OP

I would just like to offer some words of support, and for you to know there's another person who understands and empathizes with your situation. When me and my siblings were children, my parents were faced with serious challenges too - illness, father's business failing, moving from house to house to flat to house because of mortgage and debt problems, etc. Ireland was a grim place in the 80s, much more so than now. We were largely oblivious to what was going on, children's minds work a lot different to adults. We were more concerned with a friend being better at rollerblading than us, or my brothers getting stuck on a hard level of some computer game. It was only when I became an adult myself I realized the struggles they went through, and how they shaped us into the people we are today. I am proud and thankful of them for getting through those challenges and know they would be equally proud of the adults we have become today. Anyway sorry for rambling on, I know it's been said a million times already but let us know on here if there's anything we can do (apart from offering our words) to help.

marzic

This is depressing to read, that's not to even imagine how hard it is for you, and your husband.


I dont know if words are a comfort to you but I hope that your life will change and get better, and that you will survive the strain you are under.

Is theres any way in which you could get paid sooner for the work you do?
I understand that getting paid promptly is an issue for many self employed workers, but could you negotiate shorter payment period before the work?

would it be possible to just keep pressurizing their accounts till they pay? ringing everyday asking has the account been finalised?

When you take on work would you feel strong enough to say 'I do really need to be paid quickly as my husband is out of work with serious illness etc...'

Its easy for me to suggest these things but I hope it might help in some way. FLAC or new beginnings might be able to help on the debt side of things.

May god bless you and help you.

marzic

thefeatheredcat

Op you have so much on your plate to deal with.... and you know what while you maybe feel like you can't tell your friends, you might have to realise that you can't deal with all this alone. If total strangers here on boards would have it in their hearts to want to help you but actually realistically can't then you really need to open up to your friends who can be in a position to offer practical help and support to you. You don't have to go through all this alone.

If you haven't already please go back to MABS and look at dealing with your personal debt. Please do get into contact with head office of SVP and see if you can get help you need that will be more discrete.

I have to agree with Marzic on the cash flow situation... you're dealing with a lot already but this is an area you really need to deal with and get some help with. Would you consider Chartered Accountants Ireland's CAVA "Chartered Accountants Voluntary Advice" ? They might be able to look at your books and perhaps look at the cash flow situation and manage it for you. Or would you consider any of the organisations like Small Firms Association who might be able to give advice as to managing your cash flow? There are articles on their site about dealing with cash flow problems - although you need to be registered (only site only maybe?) to read them - but getting help on getting paid for your work either by being helped negotiate terms of payment for your services such as an upfront deposit or prompt payment, discounting to a regular customer for prompt payment, etc whatever is more applicable and within the legal framework, that should be a discussion you should be having with someone who has business knowledge. You can't, really can't, leave yourself doing work and then having to wait to the point of never for getting paid. That is an area you really need to tackle and where you need strong advice, and support if it does goes wrong. You might have to look at organisations like SFA or IBEC even ISME for advice but you are going to have to deal with when you are getting paid for your work and ensuring that you are getting paid promptly and to secure yourself from being stung again by a large sum owed to you that is unlikely to ever be paid. You need practical solutions to the cash flow problem, and you probably are going to have to look into industry organisations for that kind of support. Citizen Information do have an information page - detail of which most probably you either know already or are irrelevant to you now and your situation - but there's some detail there about CAVA and an email address and phone number http://www.gettingbacktowork.ie/en/setting_up_a_business/sources_of_information_on_selfemployment.html

AlanS181824

You're amazing OP.

Really hope something works out for you.

Best of luck.